Author: Kristen

The Four Relationship Killers

The Four Relationship Killers | 1.18.2022

Have you ever wondered why some relationships make it while others fail? 

At a very early age, I developed a keen curiosity about people and relationships. I often wondered why people made certain choices like who they dated or married. I had a thirst and passion to find out answers. 

I came across the work of Dr. John Gottman, a well-known psychologist at the University of Washington and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and immediately liked what he discovered during his research. 

Gottman studied more than 2,000 married couples over two decades and found four attitudes that most predict the dissolution of a relationship, especially in combination. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling — the four horsemen of the apocalypse.  He discovered patterns about how partners relate to each other that can be used to predict, with 94 percent accuracy, which marriages would succeed and fail. I found this to be powerful information. 

Let’s explore what these mean and how these might play out in your relationship.

Criticism is attacking your partner’s personality or character. Typically, it is with the intent of making someone right versus wrong. You might have said or heard these in your relationship, “Why are you so…?” Or, “You always or never…” It is healthy to talk about disagreements without attacking your partner’s personality or character in the process.  

Contempt is one step up from criticism and involves tearing down or being insulting toward your partner. These include insults, name calling, hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery and body language and tone of voice like sneering or rolling your eyes. Contempt for a partner is the most crucial indicator of divorce. 

Defensiveness is really about seeing yourself as the victim by warding off a perceived attack. Adopting a defensive stance in the middle of a conflict may be a natural response, yet it is not helpful in working through conflict. Making excuses like, “It’s not my fault…” or “That’s not true, you’re the one who…” Sometimes you will repeat yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying. Or, maybe you “yes-but,” which is starting off agreeing but end up disagreeing. 

Finally, stonewalling is withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral.” People who stonewall simply refuse to respond. For example, you may change the subject, physically leave the room, give a stony silence or mutter under your breath. 

All couples will engage in these types of behaviors at some point in their marriage. When the four horsemen take permanent residence, the relationship has a high likelihood of failing. It’s not the conflict that is the issue with how you handle it that makes the difference.

If your relationship is filled with these four issues, there is hope.  Take responsibility, change yourself and work together towards making improvements now. As Gottman made clear, with work and investment in overcoming these challenges, marriages can improve and become better.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Are You Sleepwalking Through Your Life?

Are You Sleepwalking Through Your Life? | 1.11.2022

Do you feel stuck in a rut and doing the same old thing? So many people feel exactly the same way. You may not feel fulfilled with your life or hopeless that things can be different. When you start working on yourself, you will see your life and the world with a different set of lenses. It really does shift your life in a way you might not thought was possible. You may be seeing things through distorted or foggy lenses now and not living in the present. 

Once you begin the journey of working on your issues, you will begin separating  your issues from others’ and not take things as personally or reacting to what others say so quickly. It gives you a sense of freedom, peace and joy you may not have experienced before. 

How do you begin to wake up and live in the present? Below are some quick steps to start the process. 

  • Write a vision statement. Start writing about what you want and feel passionate about. What are things you dream about or love to do? When do you feel alive and fulfilled? What have you always wanted to do and your negative self-talk has kept you from pursuing it? Once you have your vision statement, post it on your mirror, wall or someplace you will see it daily. 
  • Make a vision board. If you have trouble with your vision statement, start making your vision board first. This will help you gain clarity. Cut out pictures from magazines and paste them onto the board. You can include places you would like to travel to, a job you might dream of doing, inspirational people and words, quotes or anything motivational. Hang this up and look at it regularly. 
  • Determine your blocks. Start exploring your blocks to waking up and being present. Is there a past issue or trauma you haven’t dealt with that needs to be worked through and removed as an obstacle? Do you have some beliefs or negative thoughts that play in your head as tapes? For example, you may believe, “I am not good enough. I am different. I have to be perfect. I am not worthy or unimportant.” It’s important to explore these and where they first started so you can work through them and learn how to shift these into positive self-statements. 
  • Trust and believe you can make a change. Do you feel hopeless to make a change? No matter what has happened in your life or how old you are, it is absolutely possible to change and have more peace and joy. It takes a commitment to working on you and setting things into motion by taking some daily action. It’s all about changing your thoughts and behaviors. Do it today!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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5 Things To Try When You Don’t Feel Good Enough

5 Things To Try When You Don't Feel Good Enough | 12.28.2021

Do you look outside of yourself to feel better and get worthiness? Do you think if I look better, make more money, have a bigger house, lose weight, drive a nicer car, I would be happier and feel good enough? We live in a society that places value on appearance, material items, how much money we make and the cars we drive. We look outside of ourselves for worth and value. This truly is a black hole and a moving target. It ends up being an empty well that never gets filled up.

Everyone wants to feel like we matter, we are loved and important. Worthiness does not come from outside of you. It is an inside job. It has to come from within. If we spent more time looking deeper within, we can start to explore the blocks preventing us from feeling worthy. 

Are you ready to dig deeper? Below are a few steps to begin working on stepping more into feeling better about who you are. 

  1. Notice your pattern. What are you doing to gain worthiness? Are you placing a high value on external things or your image? Awareness is the first step to changing it. We can’t change what we don’t see. 
  2. Identify your negative beliefs. What are the beliefs you have about yourself? I am not good enough. I am stupid. I am ugly. I am a failure. These are statements that keep you from believing you are worthy. It keeps you stuck. When we identify them, we can begin to change them. 
  3. Change your self-talk. This truly does make a difference. Start telling yourself, “I am smart. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I matter.” No one else is going to do this for us.  We are our own worst enemy sometimes. We treat ourselves like dirt, which brings us down. We need to be lifting ourselves up. 
  4. Create meaningful connections. Research shows that when we have meaningful connections (even just one), then we feel more valued, loved and worthy. Step out of your comfort zone to reach out and make deeper conversations with others. Get curious about who they are and what they feel passionate about. 
  5. Ask for help and support. Many of us learned growing up that it is weak to ask for help. It’s actually the opposite. It represents strength and courage. A support network is essential to healing and growth.  It starts by reaching out. You are worth it! 

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Step Into Your Worth

 Step Into Your Worth | 12.14.2021

We are all here for a purpose. A universal need is to feel loved, to feel important and like you matter. We all want to feel as if we are making a difference in someone’s life, in the work place, at home, etc. We try to achieve in order to fill this black hole in our lives. So, we become “doers.” We are going from one thing to the next and barely have time to breathe. During the process, we start feeling out of control, out of balance and losing parts of ourselves. We feel completely overwhelmed.

We are trying to please everyone while in the process we end up pleasing no one and feeling depleted, exhausted and anxious. We wake up one day to say why am I doing all of this? Who am I? 

We are sleep walking through our lives. When we wake up, decide what we want and what matters, our lives shift. It might be about working through the past so you don’t feel stuck. It might be working through the feelings of not being good enough at whatever it may be.

There is no such thing as perfect. We begin comparing ourselves to others and thinking there is something wrong with us because we aren’t Martha Stewart or able to work 90-100 hours a week or have the perfect kids or spouse. When we let go of the idea of having it “all together,” then we can focus on what really matters and what you value most. When we compare ourselves we become stuck because we are no longer focused on what we want; we are focused on what we don’t have or where we fall short. 

Everyone has a story. Every person has been hurt or experienced some level of pain in their lives. Every family has some sort of “Pathology” or unhealthy patterns because there is no such thing as perfect. We are human beings. 

Here are some quick steps that are powerful:

    1. Explore forgiveness. Forgiveness is about you, not the other person. It might be about forgiving yourself and giving yourself grace.
    2. Write out your vision. What matters to you? What do you value? What do you want to be different in your life? Look at work, family, friends, spiritual, health, relationships, parenting, etc. Vision boards are great! 
    3. Explore your own feelings & journal. We often don’t know what we are feeling because we are too busy to stop and think. Writing them down and what you are going through really does help because you are not keeping it inside.
    4. Build a support network. Talk to people that are going to lift you up in your vision and goals. You both can serve this role for each other. It helps keep you accountable for making progress towards where you want to go. 
    5. Set healthy boundaries. Boundaries are about taking responsibility for your own feelings and choices. We can control how we respond to others. We cannot control others and rescue or fix everything. We teach others how to treat us. 
    6. Remove the masks.
    7. Speak your truth. 
    8. Give yourself grace. It’s okay to make mistakes. These are just learning opportunities. We are all humans. These are the times that we learn the most and grow and evolve. 
    9. Believe in yourself. Work on your self-talk. If you need to clear out some stuff from the past, do it. When we tell ourselves how inadequate we are, then we stay in that place. When we accept our inadequacies, then we can move past them and just know this is part of the human experience. 
    10. Never give up. You are worth it. You are enough. Be who you are and who you were created to be because you are the only you in the world.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Psychology of Star Wars

Psychology of Star Wars | 11.30.2021

The first three original Star Wars movies offer some deep and meaningful lessons woven throughout the story line. It’s interesting to look at them from a psychological perspective.  Even if you have not seen the movies, that is okay. There are some helpful themes that can be applied to daily life. 

The Jedi masters’ teachings are powerful. It is really about what we believe to be true that determines whether or not we have the “force.” Our beliefs determine the outcome and how we feel. If we focus on negative and hate towards yourself and others, then we are focusing on the dark side. If we try to see the good, spread love, support others and build connections, then we are focusing on the light side.  

Darth Vader believed he wasn’t enough. So, he shifted to the dark side to feel more powerful. In the end, when he allowed himself to feel, he connected to the light side. He always had the light within, which showed at the end of Return of the Jedi. Not feeling good enough drove a lot of his decisions and behaviors. He wanted to feel powerful and important.

Our beliefs play a huge role in how you see yourself and the world around you. Take time to be aware of your beliefs and how they shape how you feel. We all have so called dark and light within each of us. No one is all good or all bad. We all make mistakes and are imperfect. It’s how we look at these mistakes and feelings. Do you look for your worth by trying to be perfect or powerful by achieving? Do you focus on the negative and breed hate? 

Research shows that the happiest people feel all of their feelings, see they are imperfect, and work on building healthy connections with others. Start by exploring what you believe about yourself and make a choice to see the light within you.  

 

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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What Are You Lying About?

What Are You Lying About? | 11.16.2021

Are you honest with yourself? Do you lie to others? Have you been asked to lie by keeping secrets? Have you told part of the truth but not everything? Do you ever find yourself exaggerating the truth for the attention or a better story? Do you ever tell a “white” lie? For example, if someone asks if you like their hair or what they are wearing, you say you do even when you don’t because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are human. Lying is part of this human experience. It is part of this journey to teach and wake us up to the truth.  However, this is not giving people permission to lie. Lying is extremely toxic and causes much pain, hurt, harm and unhealthy patterns. 

Truth is essential. It is required to making a change. Where do we begin? 

  • Start by getting honest with yourself.  If you really want to make a change, don’t sabotage yourself by not being honest with you. For instance, if you want a better relationship, you need to start with getting honest about what is really happening. Don’t sweep long-standing patterns under the rug. Get courageous and face what you have put off. 
  • Write or talk about the truth. Have you been asked to keep secrets? It’s vital you share the secret with a safe person like a counselor in order to work through it and begin releasing it. Secrets are toxic and can eat away at you causing unnecessary stress and anxiety. It’s time to let it out, process through it and heal. 
  • Be mindful of how you communicate your truth. Speaking your truth with love and grace will bring more freedom and peace. Telling people whatever you think without a filter is not speaking your truth – it is just mean. It’s important to think about how you want to share your feelings or what you think before you speak it.
  • Lean into the discomfort. Change is sometimes uncomfortable. You might be afraid to face the truth. Do the opposite of what you normally do. Don’t run away from it. Face it and trust it will lead you on the road to healing and becoming more of who you are.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Breakdowns Can Lead To Breakthroughs

Breakdowns Can Lead To Breakthroughs | 11.02.2021

Have you ever felt like you were going to have a breakdown or actually experienced one? How did you handle it? Did you learn from it? Often breakdowns can lead to breakthroughs. They can lead us down a path to better understanding ourselves and our emotions. At first, we can feel out-of-control and overwhelmed with our feelings of despair and anxiety.  It’s hard to see that what we are going through is often a gift wrapped in a not-so-pretty package. 

A breakdown can remind us to slow down, regroup, take a breath and look at other possibilities. It can be a time of remembering what is really important and letting go of what’s not.  

In other words, what if we could see the good that can come out of challenges and know that we can learn, grow and evolve from them? In order to shift from despair to gratitude, we must first give ourselves permission to experience our emotions and remind ourselves we are going to, ultimately, be stronger. 

There are many healthy ways to shift from breakdown to having a breakthrough. Here are just a few suggestions:

  • Take a deep breath and slow down: Stop, breathe and ask yourself what really matters to you. 
  • Identify your feelings and sit with them: We often fight breakdowns, which makes them more painful and terrifying. We have a choice. We can choose to stay stuck or we can try and find gratitude in what is being uncovered. 
  • Talk to someone you trust: It can help to process and share what we are going through. Being vulnerable with a safe and healthy person can lead to reduced anxiety and more connection.
  • Journal: Write, draw or sketch what you are feeling and experiencing. Ask, “What can I learn from this situation?” 
  • Exercise: It can be as simple as taking a walk outside. Or, it might be running, yoga, Zumba or playing a sport. Find what you enjoy and works for you.
  • Ask for help or support:  Sometimes we have this idea that asking for help is a sign of weakness; however, it’s the opposite. It is a sign of strength and courage.

So, when you are experiencing what feels like a breakdown, slow down and remember what matters - YOU. Maybe, this is exactly what you needed to make a positive change.  

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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The Criticism Epidemic

The Criticism Epidemic | 10.19.2021

How often do you feel criticized by your partner, children, co-worker, boss, friend or parent? Do you feel like you are never good enough no matter what you do? Do you feel like you will not live up to someone else’s expectations of you? Are you critical of yourself and others? 

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, to criticize means to find fault with or point out faults.  Criticism is like cancer in relationships and can tear them apart. Self-criticism leads to feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy. If we are hard on ourselves, we tend to be hard on others. 

Why do you criticize? Is it to get people to change or do things your way? Is it because you feel powerless inside and not good enough? Is it because you feel you know better than the other person? Is it a way to manage your anxiety, fear and hurt? Does it create a barrier to getting close with others? The answer may be “yes” to several of these questions. 

Below are some immediate steps you can take to shift from being less critical and to becoming more accepting and peaceful. 

    1. Explore when you started being critical. Was someone critical of you early in your life such as a parent, boss, friend or partner and now you are continuing that pattern in your personal life? Do you have black and white thinking? Will you argue to win and be right? Ask yourself whether you would rather be right or in a connected relationship. Needing to be right is a relationship killer. 
    2.  Stop and think before you speak. Be mindful about what you are thinking and whether or not there is value in saying it. Begin to look at why you are being critical and the purpose it serves in your life.  
    3. Begin to accept others as they are and focus on working on you. What we resist and try to control, will persist. We cannot change others. Criticism isn’t going to change anyone including ourselves. It will push them further away and have the opposite impact. 
    4. Know the difference between criticism and feedback. We can tell someone how we feel and speak our truth without attacking someone else or putting them down. We can share how we feel out of love and coming from a place of grace. When we are trying to be “right,” then we are more likely to be critical of another person. We want to feel heard and understood.

We can only change ourselves. Take steps today to end criticism patterns. It will change your life!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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What Is Your Love Language?

What Is Your Love Language? | 10.11.2021

Have you ever felt unloved by your partner? Perhaps you both are simply speaking two different love languages.

There are several great relationship books. One I find extremely helpful when working with couples is The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. According to Chapman, the way we feel loved is different for everyone. This is how you feel the most loved and how our love tanks are filled. We have a primary and a secondary love language. He broke it down into five following basic love languages:

  • Acts of Service: These are doing something for your partner like emptying the dishwasher, doing laundry, cleaning the house, etc. You appreciate help more than anything.   
  • Physical Touch: This can be expressing your love by holding hands, a back rub or a touch on the arm. The type of touch varies based on the individual.
  • Words of Affirmation: This is when you notice and communicate something you like or appreciate about your partner. It can also be words of encouragement. For instance, if you notice that your partner vacuumed the living room, you might say, “Thank you so much for taking the time to vacuum the living room. I really appreciate it.” It helps your partner feel loved and appreciated.
  • Gifts: This is achieved by giving your mate a “special something.”  It can be as simple as a rose out of the garden, or a card from your local card shop. This is an “act of love” to your mate by taking the time to pick up and find the right gift, which shows to your mate your love. Often, less can be more.
  • Quality Time:  Some people feel loved by spending time together, whether they are walking, talking, eating or working out in the yard. It’s about being together without distractions like the television, computer or cell phone. 

In order to understand your own love language, ask yourself these questions: 

  1. How do I give and express love?
  2. What do I complain about the most? 
  3. What do I ask for most often?

Speaking in your partner’s love language probably won’t be natural for you or how you feel loved. Typically, we tend to give our own love language. For example, if your love language is physical touch, you will offer a lot of affection. However, that may not be your partner’s. Once couples figure out their primary love language, I have seen relationships transform. It seems so simple yet it can be extremely powerful.

Once you become aware of your love language and your partner’s, begin to “speak” their language, and see what happens. Check in with your partner and ask, “What can I do to help fill up your love tank?”

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Bully Prevention

Bully Prevention | 9.21.2021

The effects of being bullied can have a lifelong impact if they are not dealt with or worked through. Bullying can lead to lower self-worth, depression, anxiety and even suicide. When you have either experienced or had one of your children experiences being bullied, it really hits home. If we continue working together as a community, we can help prevent bullying and stop others from a lifetime of pain. 

Now, with the internet, texting using cell phones and social media such as Facebook and Twitter, there are so many more avenues to harm others. It is now labeled, “Cyberbullying,” and it has had devastating effects on many young people.  

Bully prevention first begins at home. There are several key initiatives to help stop bullying in our schools and communities that you can begin today.

  1. Teach empathy – Work with your children on empathy skills. The most powerful way to teach empathy is by using it yourself with others and your children. You can start by saying, “I can imagine you feel (sad, mad, scared)." It helps them understand what it is like to be validated for their feelings and understood. It’s important to learn feelings and what they mean so they can identify what another person might be feeling. Ultimately, you are trying to help them see how another person might feel. You can ask questions like, “What do you think he or she is feeling? How would you feel if you were in the same situation?”
  2. Speak Up – It’s extremely important kids feel like they have a voice and will be heard. This first begins by telling someone safe what is happening like a parent, teacher or school counselor.  For years we taught our children not to be “tattle tales.” In other words, we didn’t want them coming to us to tell everyone time someone did something wrong.  I recommend having a conversation about if someone is saying mean words or pushing them around that is not okay and to first use their words to tell them to, “Stop!” Assertiveness skills are essential for life. Teaching them to say, “I don’t like it when you push me. Stop!”  If the words do not work, then they need to tell someone safe. If it happens more than three times, it needs to be reported by an adult to a teacher or someone that can help keep your child safe.  

Internet Safety – If you do let your children use cell phones, Facebook and Twitter, it’s imperative that you have access and passwords to their accounts. Do not be afraid to monitor their texts and threads, which are the conversations. It will provide you a lot of information on their friends and what is happening in their social world. Outline safety rules and guidelines and consequences if they do not follow them.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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