10 tips for overcoming your fear of rejection| 3.23.2022
In this episode, Kristen shares the 10 tips for overcoming your fear of rejection, the different types of rejection, and how do you work through them.
- What does fear of rejection means
- How does rejection affects a person
- Different types of rejection
- Ways to overcome the fear of rejection
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Welcome to this week's Close the Chapter Podcast. Thank you for being here. I am so excited that you've decided to tune into this week's episode, it is going to be one of the most important topics we talk about because it's a universal fear. I don't know one single soul, unless there's some other secondary personality disorder that isn't afraid of being rejected. And I thought it was an important conversation for us to dive into to explore, to hold space for. So we're gonna go into 10 tips for overcoming your fear of rejection. We're going to be defining rejection, what is it exactly? How do we define it? What are the types of rejection? And then how do we work through it? How do we tend to this fear that plagues us shackles us, it keeps us in shame, and kind of a bondage in our own heads. And it creates anxiety, depression, loneliness. So we're gonna dive into all things related to rejection today. Before that, be sure to download the journal, I created a five day journal, and it walks you through what I walk clients through, and you can get it for free at kristendboice.com forward slash free resources and it will be delivered to your inbox. And then you also will get each week the latest and greatest episode, and other blog posts, videos, important information in your healing journey. Don't want to spam you. And if you find this episode, helpful in any way, I would love it if you would share it with somebody that it could also help. I'm on a mission to transform in rehab the way we think about emotional wellness, and have deeper conversations as part of our general interaction with people instead of just the surface II How are you I'm fine, which is feelings inside not expressed. We are creating more connection because we are so lonely in the world right now. And in order to create deeper connections, this is a great caveat to start the conversation with Hey, did you hear that episode on rejection? What are you afraid of like what scares you when you're putting yourself out there? And then we begin to normalise that we are not so different. Because when we feel different, it creates shame. When we feel like we're different than everybody else, we feel like there's something wrong with us, which is shame. It's about ourselves, whereas versus guilt is about our choices. And so when you share this on social media, it helps more people find the episode or if you just share it straight from your phone. I am so so grateful. Because when one more person gets the information they need to know they're not alone. We are helping find healing and connection with others. So you can also post it on social at Kristen D Boice. You can do that on Instagram or Facebook. And if you want to follow along on twitter, it's just Kristen Boice Pinterest I'm on there, I'm on all the platforms. So you can find me either Kristen D Boice, or Kristen Boice. But mainly Kristen D Boice. And I would love to connect with you. So I just want to say you matter and you're important. And I love you and I'm so glad you're here. So let's dive into this important topic today. And this may be one that you want to take some notes with. But if you're working out if you're driving, if you're walking, you can listen to this and then come back to it when you need it most. So let's define rejection. As I was researching today's topic, I always like to start with a definition so we can get on the same page. And what we're talking about when it comes to rejection. And I also want to tap into vulnerability because when we think of rejection, a vulnerability is associated with that. So here's the first definition of rejection. Rejection is a refusal to accept or approve or support something. Who, when you think of that definition, what came up for me is it's so based on another person, and based on their own history, their own potential trauma history or life experiences, we're giving our power away to somebody else to approve of us versus us proving of us.
And if you have spirituality or faith as part of your journey, you will know that you are loved and accepted no matter what it's it's just part of being a human we know we're going to learn in this lifetime on. That's the journey is learning how to love ourselves and other people that is it. It's so many pains and traumas and hurts that get in the way of loving ourselves and other people, and so much fear. And we're going to talk about that, because that's the topic of our conversation today fear of rejection and putting ourselves out there. Okay, the second definition I ran into was a refusal to show someone the love and kindness that they need or expect, who there it is, again, a refusal, that word refusal. And yet, we're putting so much of our worth into somebody else and what they think of us. And that word refusal, maybe their own 99.9% of the time, it's their own stuff, it's their own pain, it's their own blocks, and it's their own shame of not feeling good enough, that blocks them from the ability to accept themselves. When we can accept themselves. Oftentimes, we can accept other people, it doesn't mean we don't have boundaries, what's okay and what's not, okay, it means that we're less judgmental, because we're less critical of ourselves. Okay? The third definition is rejection is the feeling that someone does not love, or want, you prove the feeling that someone does not love. Or once you how many of us and I say us, I can feel the tears almost coming up just thinking of all of you. And all of us who have walked through being rejected or feeling rejection. And I heard this a long time ago. And it stuck with me what feels like rejection is God's protection. And yet, when we're in the middle of feeling rejected, we don't feel like it's protection, we feel hurt, we feel pain, we feel shame. We feel grief, we feel loss, we feel depressed, anxiety, anxious, however you want to frame that. Because we feel like what's wrong with me that you don't love or accept me? Or what's wrong with me that I didn't get the job, or get the promotion? What's wrong with me that you didn't invite me out in the social group where you invited everybody else out in the neighbourhood, but you didn't invite me? What's wrong with me that I didn't get accepted into this college or this graduate programme? What's wrong with me that I'm not a part of this popular friend group, or the group in general, at work or with socially, what's wrong with me that this, this person I loved, and I really liked, didn't like me back. They didn't find me attractive, they didn't want me, they didn't want to be with me. And we take that that's so painful, because we feel so vulnerable, which is risk of emotional exposure. That's what vulnerability is that it takes us down the shame spiral. And I want to help you today. Shift, heal, nurture, move through that fear. So you're not hiding people pleasing, pretending, perfecting, performing, to get worth in value to get someone to like you. Because guess what, they have their own traumas, they have their own blocks, that they may be incapable of offering you, what you crave and what you need. We have to do that ourselves, I have to do that for myself. That's where the power comes in. I'm going to walk you through the 10 tips on how to work through this. But let's break down the types of rejection because there's many different types. And it helps us just to kind of frame up the conversation today. That's what I like to start with the definition. We can start with the types we can start with what causes it, and then we can move to the 10 tips. That's the application. That's the practical steps on how do we move through this. It's not a 1234. It's an evolution is a process. So the there's three types. One is if you've been rejected in your family system, so it can be from you might even feel rejected, being adopted. You might have been in the foster care system, and that feels like rejection from your family of origin, your birth family. Perhaps you've had a parent that has left and you have felt abandoned by them. Maybe there was a divorce and you felt rejected by one parent, or maybe you got triangulated in which means you got put in the middle of a crisis. conflict between both of your parents that had nothing to do with you. And as a result, you felt disconnected, sad grief because you, you weren't able to connect with both of your parents, maybe you had a death in the family and that kind of felt like a rejection. And that can be deep and wide when you have a family rejection where we are neuro biologically wired to belong to be. This is Dr. Dan Siegel's work to be seen for who we are to be soothed. That means in infancy, you're being held, you're being nurtured, you're being cuddled, you're being like, you know, they have baby massages, you're being connected with emotionally with your, with your eye contact. That's what's so concerning with phones right now giving babies phones and parents having phones, because we're missing that attachment work where the baby is trying to connect with the parent, the way they know how is through the face and the body and their nervous system. And when you're consistently soothed and held and rocked and sung to and queued at being mirrored back the feelings there's what then turns into a felt sense of safety. And security, you begin to feel secure with who you are. So suit seen, soothe, secure and safe. Those are the four S's that Dr. Dan Siegel came up with in terms of attachment, and feeling that consistently those four consistently, then you will develop what we call a secure attachment. You will feel like you know how to self soothe because you are soothed. You can see yourself and accept yourself for who you were because that was offered to you, you then feel like you can handle and tolerate your emotions. You don't feel threatened or scared by them or overwhelmed by them. You may occasionally but you feel like you can handle it. And you will oftentimes be able to come back to centre and come back to calm if you get dysregulated or triggered. And that is because you had consistency of a primary caregiver offering those to you. Now, most of us did not get that. So we're like, well, then what Kristin, I didn't get those things. It's okay, you're okay, we can learn how to self soothe by working through those triggers in dysregulated parts or the self protective parts, the traumatised parts to be able to come back to centre and feel more secure. That's why I love therapy. So I love E M, Dr. I've talked about it so many times I movement, T sensitization re processing. It's a form of trauma therapy, brainspotting, somatic experiencing internal family systems, there's many modalities, and they can be used in combination, but it really is about the relationship you have with the therapist, to feel safe enough to go back and re process those familial those families system traumas. So it's important you start identifying where did my fear of rejection begin? So we can begin nurturing that working through that tending to that. It's not a permanent situation where you feel like well, I'm permanently damaged. No, you're not. That is not true. That is a false belief that you might have felt conditioned to believe, but it's not true. I have seen people heal from the most traumatic abuse, emotional, physical neglect, and traumas that you would think no one could heal from you can I promise you, but it takes time. It's not like it's an overnight healing. It's a willingness to sit with discomfort. It's a willingness to connect with those emotions and body sensations. It's a willingness to work through those defence mechanisms that have been automatic, and that are now maladaptive in your life. So it's important to understand the origins of where your fear of rejection came from.
And so if you know you have a rejection, or a perceived rejection in your family system, it's important you're taking time to heal what was not able to be healed. Back when you were 567892345, or even an infancy. If you were in the hospital for extended period of time as an infant and you really needed to get held in your in an incubator that affects you that affects your nervous system that affects you feeling separate like anxiety, separate separation anxiety, that affects your nervous system and your ability to regulate. And you might not have an implicit, or explicit memory might have an implicit memory, which means you don't have a memory you can pull from, you might have some body sensations that come up regularly that can be tended to nurtured and re processed. Okay, number two. So we have the first type of rejection is a familial a family system rejection or family rejection. Number two is a social rejection. This is in social situations, if you can float back to childhood. I remember I went out for cheerleading, every year like clockwork, I don't know why. But I thought if I was a cheerleader, then maybe I would feel enough. And I would feel accepted, popular, liked. And so I would go out every year and I liked it, I thought I liked it, at least who knows I was looking for acceptance, never made it. So that was a feeling or go up to the wall, they would post the list of who made it, I come up to that wall in front of all the kids. And the ones that made it would get excited, of course, because that would be exciting. And I would just stare at the wall and then go cry. And then next year, I try out again. And it really was a longing to belong, and feel enough like that was going to be the ticket. To me feeling enough, which is a shame. It's not true. But that's at that age and middle school, is what I thought. So that would be kind of a social rejection, right? That I feel socially that I wasn't good enough. So that's an example of that, maybe it's a friend group that you wanted to belong to. And they didn't let you sit there at lunch. Or I remember my freshman year going with my tray of food and going Who am I going to sit with them that pit in my stomach, and I have to manage that with my kids, because I can't project that onto them. Because I have to self soothe that even though that has been experienced for one of my kiddos. At one point, it's it happens and I have to manage my inner child, my little girl in that project that onto them, so I can be emotionally regulated and available for them.
We probably have a lot of examples of social rejection, going all the way from little girl boys, little souls all the way up. And so it's important to kind of identify which ones really impacted you and how they impacted you. So we're looking at roots of things. I am not a bandaid therapist, we're going to just think our way through it. And we're going to move on, it's so much deeper than just thinking your way through it. That's part of it. But it's connecting to those emotions that you perhaps didn't get to process in real time along with the body sensations. And where did the origins of these beliefs about yourself come from? And experiences shape our fears, or hearing things shaped our fears or things we've been told? So it's important identify those number three is romantic relationships, friendships, these are just relationships in general, that you've had that you've felt rejection in how many romantic relationships have you felt rejected? I can go back to remember in elementary school, high school or middle school? And we like Do you like me check yes or no? Man, we would really put it out there. Or if you had, you know, your first crush? And can you go back and remember what that was like? And maybe you didn't put yourself out there? Maybe you did and what happened. And maybe it's bigger than that maybe it was a relationship you were in for a long time. And you found out there was a betrayal, which feels like a major rejection, like what's wrong with me that they're going to go with somebody else instead of me. And that is due to that attachment wound. So if you didn't get your four S's seem soothed safety and secure consistently from your primary caregivers. You're looking for it in all the wrong places, instead of giving it to yourself. You're thinking those love romantic relationships, we'll give it to you and then come to find out that no, you didn't. He didn't get that there either. Because you have to offer it to yourself, that's icing on the cake. So we can all kind of go back to that maybe you've had a work environment. That could also be relationships, but that may be in the social category as well. So some of these may overlap. And maybe you've been number fours. Maybe you've been rejected from work where you applied for a job or maybe you got fired, or maybe they reorg and eliminated your job. And that feels like rejection or maybe you didn't get the promotion that you wanted and somebody else did. So those are the types of rejections. There's many more, but I wanted to classify the main ones that I work with most often with clients. Those are the ones family, social, romantic relationships or friendships, and then work situation careers. So it's important for you to explore where you might have felt rejected, or had a perception that you were rejected. Because where there's rejection, or perceived rejection, there is pain that needs to be processed. So where there is rejection, past, or present, there is pain, and pain looks like sadness, fear, anger, disgust, grief. And that all needs to be tended to otherwise it's like a leaky boat. And you're projecting that you're putting that on different people or situations, that it's not really connected to, you're displacing that, those emotions because you're so afraid of being rejected. And we have different ways of defending against it. We might shut down, we might hide, we might people, please, we might perform, we might become a perfectionist. We might be an achiever, we might be a workaholic, we might get critical, we might Stonewall, which means that you're really kind of just flat, you're not really you kind of play Switzerland. And you're like, I don't know, I don't know, it's used as a defence to not get in trouble or say the wrong thing, or have people reject you or get mad at you. And we have developed all these defence mechanisms. I've done several episodes on defences that you can go back and listen to, that plays in to try to protect your cell from the fear of shame, blame, judgement, rejection, abandonment. So let's talk about the 10 tips for overcoming, working through your fear of rejection. We're all afraid to be rejected, I need to make sure we're clear on that. How do you face it? Not intimate, not move away from it. Not pretend, not hide. Not live in a fantasy. How do we live in truth, so we can face tolerate self soothe through that fear. Okay, so we're going to get to it number one.
This is my number one tip, I'm not going to start from the back. I'm starting from the front. So number one, we have to take our deep breaths. You know this, because I tell you if you're new to the podcast, deep breathing is something I teach every client feet on the floor. We call it square breathing deep inhale through your nose for four, we hold for four, and a slow exhale out our mouth. So let's do it together right now. If you're listening to this, I need you breathing. Don't Don't skip it. Do it with me. So inhale, hold. Exhale, slowly out your mouth, like your cooling soup.
Just check in see how you're slowing things down. When we get afraid or anxious we speed up. Especially when we're working with our kids or our partners, or at work. Or we're feeling really anxious, you'll hear people if they're public speaking, they'll start talking really fast. And you got to slow it down on how we slow it down as get into your body feel your feet on the floor. So they're your grounding. And then you're breathing. And then you're going is this is still step one, we're acknowledging your emotions, or not ignoring them, because that's what was done to you in childhood, perhaps we're tending to them, we are nurturing them, we are processing them by naming them noticing where you feel them in your body. We're connecting to them so they can move up and out. They can move up and out, up and out like a wave a wave a wave up and out, up and out, up and out. We're not disconnecting from them. Some some modalities are teaching a disconnected view of emotions and we can't really release them if we're disconnected from them. We have to notice where they live in the body. Like for example, when I get afraid, I know my fear lives in my stomach, sometimes it's in my throat. And so I have to attend to it. I have to go okay, now how do I feel? What am I feeling and it's often my inner child that needs attention and attunement and needs to be seen, soothe, to feel safe and secure. And I'm going to offer that to her because she needs that really to myself. Okay, so number one we're breathing and we are acknowledging your emotions. We are not bypassing them. We are not minimising did not dismissing, denying pretending We're letting them have a voice, we are letting them tell us the truth about what's really going on inside you. Because we didn't get that opportunity as children and it becomes maladaptive. Now, that's why you're so afraid of rejection, you're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of feeling that pain again. And when you can go, I can handle it. I can nurture myself, I know what to do, you're going to be less afraid of the pain. And let me give you an example of this. Okay, so we all had, most of us have had to get shots in our lifetime. Mother, whatever kind of shot it is, it might be a vaccination, it might be a flu shot, it might be whatever shot, it's it's part of taking care of yourself. Now, we're going to take all the vaccination arguments off the table, just work with me on this analogy, we all have to get shots. And many people have fear of a shot cluding myself, I do not like them. I can go back to childhood and I have memories of getting shots. My mom didn't know, it's not my mom's fault. But I had no skills, I had no tools, I had no ability to learn how to soothe myself through the shot. And when my mother was present, if she was anxious and unable to soothe, she was unable to offer me the ability to sue. That's why holding your child tenderly secure, softly rubbing them, you being regulated during high intense times helps them learn how to self soothe. So I have not, and I mean, not like shots. And I've worked myself through how do I nurture myself? How do I soothe myself how to prepare, so I can handle and tolerate the pain. And again, the pain may be a second, the pain may be a little longer. Nobody likes to feel pain, some people. I mean, take that back. Some people do want pain because it makes them actually feel something. And that's not what I'm talking about. I'm making this analogy. So you can buy into the ability to handle the pain and have a window of tolerance for it. and nurture yourself through it by breathing. And tolerating. So I had to have a procedure done. This was a while ago, and it was no anaesthesia. But they needed to get a sample.
So I had to use all the tools I'm teaching you and put them into play. I had to it was it was I didn't have to but I chose to I needed to get the sample. And I could feel the flop response if you listen to a couple weeks ago, I did an episode on the freeze response. And there is a flop response which is a faint response essentially. And if I get too flooded in the in pain, my flop response will take over and I'll fate so I had to prepare myself. So what I did was feel my feet on the floor. I found a spot on the wall, I nurtured myself I said Honey, you can handle this. Take some deep breaths I literally focused on breathing in through my nose out through my neck mouth in through my nose out through my mouth and soothing myself saying you got this you're okay, you can handle this. I'm literally talking to myself like I would somebody that's scared. But I had to learn that because we aren't taught this. And so I also was able to just kind of I had a soft shirt on so I kind of was able to touch the shirt, nurture myself through that. Sometimes even giving yourself like a little squeeze a little hug. Anyways, I the whole point of this is if you're going to work through any kind of fear you have, you have to be willing to lean into the discomfort and tolerate and know that you can handle and that's what I work with clients is being able to handle it and that's what my 10 tips are. So we are using these tools on a regular basis not just when you're under distress or when you're afraid you kind of work on these proactively. So when fear comes up, you're like okay, honey, I got you I know how to help you through fear. Number two process through past experiences of feeling for being rejected feeling as if you were rejected or or being rejected. Remember rejection is God's protection often leads us to greener pastures. Even though we don't feel like that in the moment. I can look back at all of it and go oh, that was for my bet that was for my highest good but we don't think about that in the moment. Now we're thinking about the hurt The fear of being alone forever or never being enough, and never having the job we need or making the money or never finding love again. And we can't see past that, because we're so future oriented. And we're so much in the shame that we have to process past experiences through either therapy, journaling, identifying and processing, what you're feeling, and I'm going to go through a lot of these, you know, we could go through therapy and EMDR, we can do brain spotting, we can do some body work. And that helps release all of that. It doesn't mean it never comes back. But when it comes back, we're like, oh, that's my four year old self. That has to do with the time that I was left in the grocery store. I'm making this up, I really wasn't left in the grocery store. But that's that has happened to people. And you know how to nurture yourself back through it. So let's talk about number three, perspective taking. Watch that you aren't catastrophizing, we I see when we get in a high level of anxiety, we catastrophize and we go into the what if what if they say this to me? What if they do that? What if I'm not able to handle it? What if I am not able to get a handle on my emotions? And instead of just saying, I'm going to focus on the here and now we go to the catastrophizing worst case scenario, knowing it. So then if it happens, we're like, See, I predicted it, I'm okay. With like the net waiting for the next shoe to drop. Well, I knew that was going to happen. So I'm okay. But really, we're not processing it. It's almost like a defence mechanism. So watch contrast, or phising, and take perspective and put things in perspective to say, Okay, what's true, and what's not really true? True, what is rooted in my past that I need to work through that I'm projecting on to the future. Let's look at what my little soul inside is trying to tell me versus the reality of the situation.
And then we can deal with the reality. Number four, manager expectations, expectations are resentments waiting to happen. And what we expect to happen, often doesn't happen, and then we're let down and then we have anxiety, and then we feel like we're not good enough. And then we have shame. So our expectations of ourself, and other people oftentimes aren't realistic. And they're based on our unmet needs. They're based on our wounds, and what we think will heal it. So if I expect that I my kids will always be compliance and mannerly and never yell at me or never be dysregulated. It's a sham. That is just not reality. That's an unrealistic expectation. I see this a lot in couples therapy, where they're, they'll go in and go, Well, he or she should know what I like. Okay, that's really not true. Even if we've told them, we have to be clear and direct and communicate what we like and what we don't like what we want and what we don't want. And sometimes they're not realistic, it's based on a movie, it's based on a fantasy of what we hoped would be the case and not reality. So you have to watch your expectations and check them. Because oftentimes, what we put on other people is a hope and a fantasy rather than reality, what's realistic and what's not. So in a romantic relationship, we may have this expectation that if I text the person, they're going to text me within an hour. And that might not be possible. So we have to check that expectation. That's a simple one. So manage the expectations realistically, number five, work on your ability to self soothe and self regulate in a healthy way. You need to develop school skills and coping mechanisms. I wish they did teach this in school. And they are starting to which is wonderful to self soothe, because remember, we had that one of the esses was soothing, and for not self soothing, we're looking to other people or other things to soothe us. We're looking outside of ourselves for that soothing, just like we did when we were infants, which was appropriate, which was neuro biologically wired to have our primary caregivers soothe us as adults. That goes back to infancy and we have to learn how to soothe ourselves, not some substance, not alcohol, not sex. Not another relationship. Not achievement, not the house, not the money, not the car, not the weight loss, not the facial facelift. That's not going to suit you. You think that will prevent rejection. You think all those things will help you not be rejected. did. And the reality is you're rejecting yourself. You're not accepting or soothing yourself and accepting who you are, you're looking at what will make you acceptable, what will make you lovable? What will make you lovable as you loving yourself. And that sounds so just love yourself. And we want to go walk, walk, walk. But really what it is, it's loving the inner child parts of ourselves that I've been teaching on this podcast. And it's not easy. We don't all just love ourselves, and we're not combining everything. It's a real rumble. It's a real deep dive into the inner critic. And those hurt wounded parts that were told we weren't good. We were told we were bad. We were shamed. We were read, we were punished, which is disconnection in a relationship, which is what we're so afraid of. We were shunned. We were disciplined and put in separated from our parent or primary caregiver. We weren't neglected emotionally. We're not blaming anybody. This is just speaking truth of what really happened so we can heal. I'm a truth teller, bring it to the light so we can transform it. You don't speak truth with love and grace, we cannot transform what's going on on the inside. It's impossible. That's why I love doing this work. To bring to the light your truth. Okay. Number six, explore your fear of being rejected, like what is it you're really afraid of? Are you afraid of being alone? Are you afraid of being in a shame spiral? Are you afraid of your own emotions? Are you afraid you'll never get through the pain, and you'll be stuck in it forever, which probably means you've been stuck in past pain that you haven't gotten through. So if you're stuck in pain now.
I want you to check to see if there's a deeper pain there that never got tended to. And it kind of got displaced on your current pain. Is there deeper pain that you haven't dealt with? If so, I'm not your therapist. But there is time is time to deal with that deeper pain in a safe environment with a healthy therapist that can help walk you through it, if available. And again, universities often have graduate counselling clinics that they'll do therapy at no charge. Churches sometimes have a counselling if it's a healthy church, right? I disclaim everything. There are options to get therapy. And I know right now there's a shortage of mental health providers. Keep listening to podcasts, reading books, journaling, naming out loud, even if you're by yourself in your car, what you're feeling and offering yourself compassion. Number seven, face your fear by having conversations, instead of avoiding so one of the things I have clients do is we roleplay conversations out loud. So they can just try on. And you can do this in the mirror, even, you can even tape record tape, record it, Sam dating myself to the 80s. But you could do it on your phone on your voice app, and say it out loud into the voice memo. So you're practising in the mirror, recording it saying what you need to say, instead of avoiding it. So for example, if you feel rejected by somebody, it might be, I'm feeling sad and scared to tell you how I really feel. Because I'm creating a story that you really are not that into me. Is that true? I love that. I love adding Is that true? At the end, check your stories. Now you have to be prepared for the answer. And this is where people like I don't want to know the answer. Will you avoiding wanting to know the answer is keeping you stuck? Don't you want to know if somebody cares likes you as much as you like them? It's scary. Yes. And I rather know the truth and move on. I'd rather not invest all my energy in something that isn't a mutual feeling back. That's your inner child looking for something based on an unmet need, either soothing to be seen, that you didn't get and you're looking in this relationship that they don't have to offer. And sometimes they do because they feel secure. They've done their own work. They're on a growth trajectory, like you are great. But you have to face the fear by role playing. And so in therapy, we'll do role plays, even though we can't predict what the other person's going to say they get the confidence up to start communicating with an I feel statement and they're using an eye feeling in there and being clear and direct and telling the truth about how they feel with love and grace. This isn't vomiting on somebody. So we have to To face the fear, instead of avoidance, we got to break the pattern of avoidance. It keeps people stuck. It keeps you shackled. There's no progress when you're avoiding things that just, and I do it my own life and I realised, oh, I'm stuck, I'm procrastinating, I'm avoiding Okay, number eight, build a support network. And you can start with let's say, a grief group. Maybe you need Coda codependents, anonymous 12 Step programme, maybe you need a, maybe you need Al Anon. Maybe you need just to start, like we talked about therapy. Maybe you need one or two friendships that you can be 100% yourself and tell the truth about how you're really feeling with love and grace, and they accept you. And there's no shame in that. And if you have one friend, you've hit the lotto. Honestly, if you have one friend that you can do this with, if you have to, you've really hit the jackpot. This isn't a, you have to have a huge group of people, you have to start trusting yourself. And then you can start opening up to emotionally healthy people.
That's why I love when you share podcasts like this, then you're starting to have a support network, because they're willing to listen to the episode, you guys can talk about it. You can talk about when you've been rejected, how that's been for you, where did you get stuck in it? Now you're having deeper conversations with friends, with your partner? With co workers. There's nothing better now we're building authentic relationships. That's why I'm, I hope and pray that this can help you with building the support system. And it's a platform to get you started in having these conversations. So hey, did you listen to yesterday's episode? Or did you listen to last week's episode? Oh, my gosh, it was about overcoming your fear of rejection. And I've been playing small, and I've been not opening up. Because I was so afraid of judgement and people thinking less than me. And it reminded me of the time, in seventh grade, when I switched schools in I was new. And I was so afraid of not belonging. And then I tried out for cheerleading, I'm making this, you get the idea, but see how we're starting a deeper conversation. We're getting to know each other on a deeper level. And we can be authentic and real, and tell the truth about how we're feeling. This is a nice entry point into that by sharing these episodes. And the reason I'm saying that is because I know the healing and the transformation that comes when you have other people on a growth journey with you. It can be lonely, if you're the only one doing this work. And I get that I realised that that's why I try to work intentionally on building friendships that also are willing to have these conversations. So it's not how's the weather? Well, that's fine and dandy. I do not feel connected. And not that every conversation has to be this deep connected conversation because that's not realistic. Nor would that be healthy either. But I do crave and I know many of you do too much deeper conversations much deeper, more authentic real connections. And you can create those, I promise you, but it starts with you. If you're not willing to connect emotionally, you're not going to source other people that are wanting to connect emotionally. If you're disconnected from your emotions, and you're so busy, and you're perfecting and your people pleasing, and you're not really taking the time to connect and centre, you're probably not going to pick people that are taking the time to connect and centre and that have growth mindsets. So you doing this creates another subset of people because you'll start recognising and feeling when you have more authenticity in your relationships. Number nine, this is an important one. Number nine, develop a plan for nurturing your fears. What do I mean? Okay, let's be real. Your fear of rejection isn't just going to disappear. We want to make it less, but there'll be moments in time in your life where it will pop up. You're having new social interaction. And here it is the fear of rejection. You're starting a new relationship. You're starting a new job. You're you're meeting your kids, parents, your friends, kids, your children's four friends, parents, you are in new environments, new situations, your fear of rejection, or starting a new project or putting yourself out there in a day. Different way, it's going to come up because you're human, you need a plan. So what's the plan, here's some ideas for writing out a plan for when you're afraid of rejection, put that at the top, my plan when I feel afraid of rejection, first of all, you're going to write a letter to yourself. Acknowledging that fear, and letting that younger part of you know that you're there, you can handle the emotions, you will help them through the feelings, you will help them be able to self soothe. So now you're going to be the ideal parent that you might not have gotten, there's no such thing as perfect parenting. But you're now going to be the soothing co parent that sees those wounded parts and offer space.
Unconditional Love. And you're going to acknowledge the hurt and pain and their fear. Okay? In the letter, so right, if you can identify, so for me eight, six of my mind as a part was when my parents got divorced. And I keep a letter to my eight year old self, loving her letting her know she's seen, I'm seeing her she safes she secure. I have clients that have gotten pictures of themselves at the age that they're going to write the letter to put it in front of you. And you're going to write that letter to that little boy or little girl, or little soul inside. Doesn't matter the pronouns. I mean, it does matter, but you use the pronouns that work for you. I didn't mean to be dismissive about that I met, pick the pronouns that you identify with. And you're going to acknowledge her, you're going to acknowledge Him, you're going to acknowledge them, the pain, the fear, the sadness. And you're going to work through acknowledging that it's okay to be who you are. It's safe to be who you are. In that, you might also in your plan identifies a song list, that would be good and you could have a premade you know, if you need a song list to help you soothe your nervous system, you're going to have the song list. So music can be very soothing. You might put their pet you know, go pet, your dog, your cat, whatever animal you might have, spend time with them, walking them. If it's a dog, walk the dog journal, you might put in their journal, prayer, spend some time praying or centering the Holy Spirit or whatever works for you. Meditation, you might put some friends that can be on your phone, a friend list, when you're in a shame spiral, you really need some extra support. Or if you're in a 12 step programme, or a sponsor, or a mentor you might have that you could put down. You might schedule a therapy session EMDR, brainspotting, somatic experiencing internal family systems. You might go for a walk in nature might be outside, you might decide you're going to go exercise, whatever you're physically able to do. And you're gonna remind yourself, that what healthy looks like is processing your emotions, and not numbing the pain, facing the pain sitting in the discomfort by doing all these things. And sometimes we just have to sit and cry. Honestly, sometimes I just need to sit and have a good cry and then put myself to bed through some listening to kind of a meditation. And then tomorrow's a new day. If you feel suicidal, you're gonna call one 800 273 talk one 800 273 talk or text 741741 Do not do this alone. You suicide is because you're so much in pain and you're trying to make the pain stop. It's there is ways through the pain. I promise you. I wouldn't do this work if I didn't believe that I've walked through so many people in so much pain. And there is hope. And I know when you're in it, you don't see it. And that makes sense. No need to go into shame over that. And then the last number 10 It's not really the last but this is integrated all the way through is self compassion to be kinder, more nurturing to yourself that is soothing. That is seen the pain and not bypassing it, minimising it, dismissing it rationalising it, trying to make it go away and fixing it. It's actually saying yeah, that makes sense. You're in pain. This okay, it's okay to let it out. It's okay. I mean not to hurt anybody but it's okay to process it. When we give ourselves permission to process we we are On the healing path, we are on the healing path. And so when you get a fear of rejection, and you're afraid to put yourself out there, these are ways that you can go, You know what, being myself is actually healthy in a way that empowers you to break toxic patterns, hiding, pleasing, medicate all the ways we've already talked about, keep you stuck. They keep you stuck. And so we kind of have to face the fear. That's the bottom line. If you don't face it, you don't heal it. If you don't face it, you don't move through it. If you don't face it, you're stuck in the past. I know that sounds big.
The possibilities are endless. When you decide to face the fear. Breathe through it. nurture yourself through it. I love putting signs up. So right on your mirror. You got this, you can handle this, I love you. I'm going to take care of you. It's okay to have your feelings, whatever works for you. And write what you're grateful for at the same time. Focus on what you're grateful for. And acknowledge when you do face your fear, acknowledge it, celebrate it, go You go girl, like I want to cheer you on you go God, whatever you go, you did it. You faced it. And I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of you. Because you could have kept avoiding the fear, you could have kept just staying stuck and frozen in time. And what you did is you decide to face it, even though the outcome might not be what you want it to be. Maybe it is we're unattached to the outcome. We're cutting the cord on needing the outcome to be a certain way to be enough. It's a sham, the outcome is the outcome. You can handle it. You are enough. And your willingness to grow. accept yourself for who you are, accept that you have feelings. And that's okay to accept that everybody's got pain and you're going to face it. That is huge. And I'm so proud of you. And I am so grateful you're listening today. Because we are on this journey together. And I hope this is a support to you in always, some things may trigger you. And that makes sense. Write it out to get it out. Thank you for listening, I hope these top 10 tips on working through your fear of rejection help you to know that your worth of value does not come from somebody else or something else outside of you know sorry, Bob, we cannot put that much on that. We cannot put that much on that. You accepting you. That's how we move through the fear of rejection. You loving you you nurturing you, you accepting that you have hurts and feelings and emotions. That's the key. Thanks for listening and I cannot wait to be with you again next week.
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