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Speaking with Heart with Dr. Heather Browne| 1.24.2024

In this episode, Kristen and returning guest, Dr. Heather Browne explore the transformative power of communication and how bringing love into every conversation can transform relationships

You'll Learn

  • The positive impact of incorporating love into your communication.
    Valuable insights on fostering meaningful connections.
  • Practical tips for improving communication in various aspects of life.
  • Strategies for addressing common challenges rooted in attachment styles.
  • Key concepts from Dr. Heather's upcoming book, "Speaking with the Heart."

www.drheatherbrowne.com

 

Resources

For counseling services near Indianapolis, IN, visit www.pathwaystohealingcounseling.com.

Subscribe and Get a free 5-day journal at www.kristendboice.com/freeresources to begin closing the chapter on what doesn’t serve you and open the door to the real you.

Subscribe to the Close the Chapter YouTube Channel

This information is being provided to you for educational and informational purposes only. It is being provided to you to educate you about ideas on stress management and as a self-help tool for your own use. It is not psychotherapy/counseling in any form.

Kristen Boice

Welcome to the Close the Chapter podcast. I am Kristen Boice, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice pathways to healing counseling, through conversations, education, strategies and shared stories, we will be closing the chapter on all the thoughts, feelings, people and circumstances that don't serve you anymore. And open the door to possibilities and the real you. You won't want to miss an episode, so be sure to subscribe. Welcome to this week's close to Chapter podcast. I was so glad you're here with me. It's hard to believe we are already midway through the first month of the new year. And I just want to say I am so proud that you are where you are, no matter where it is that it's okay to be messy right now. And I don't even like that word messy. But it's okay to not have it all together. And the fact that you're on this growth journey speaks volumes about you. So I'm excited you're here today as we're talking about communication and speaking with the heart like speaking and communicating in a loving kind way. And I have a repeat guest today that is back with us. And going to talk about her new book speaking with the heart, Dr. Heather Browne, LMFT, which is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, which is what I am helps people recognize the power of communication, it is one of the most important skills that we have. And yet we don't consider our understanding, approach belief and therefore miss our possibilities. Living with a paranoid schizophrenic Mother gave Dr. Heather a unique and powerful awareness that no one has the same reality, though we believe we do. utilizing this revolutionary awareness has allowed her to transform communication within self. And within all other types of relationships. This is the hidden key to acceptance. And this is her mission to share. As a relationship expert. She has worked with 1000s of individuals and couples in psychotherapy. She has a TEDx speaker, and her couples communication book, which is going to be released, hopefully January 24. And she's been published in hundreds of other publications. So we're excited to have her on the podcast to talk about her book. And we get deep, we talk about love, and what is love? And how do we access more of it, and communication and faith and all kinds of stuff. So we kind of deconstruct some big ideas. And if you want to catch the first interview I did with her, you can go back and listen to episode 172 unmasking who you really are. Highly recommend that episode. If you ever want to listen to that episode first and then listen to this episode. You can do that. We'll link it in the show notes. Without further ado, here is my deep conversation with Dr. Heather Brown. Welcome to this week's close the chapter podcast It is with great honor and pleasure to have a repeat guest Dr. Heather brown back with us. If you didn't listen to our first episode back in August of 2022. Isn't that I cannot believe it's been that long. We talked about unmasking our true selves like how do we kind of be our true selves. And I'm so excited to talk about her new book speaking with the heart. Congratulations, welcome back author gonna be best selling New York Times best selling author living, when that be great. That would be so exciting.

Dr. Heather

Never know, as long as I love people really well, it

Kristen Boice

will happen. Bingo, that is so beautifully said. So tell me about the inspiration for your book? Well,

Dr. Heather

as a therapist, you know that you've got all these nuggets. And you know, you have all these places that help people so deeply. And I've been doing this for 27 years. And so after having had 1000s upon 1000s upon 1000s of sessions, it just became clear that there's some really important troops that we don't know about communication with ourselves with our partner with the world. And I'll talk about it in pretty much every first session. And after a while I thought, Gosh, I should share this. And then the couples I work with have been saying for years like I want your book. So we can go back and refer to the exercise. We can go back and refer to the prayer we can go back and refer to the homework and so during college, but I finally thought it's just tired. So it was time for me to share what I've learned and offered for 27 years with people who I don't get the opportunity to to see one on one. And so I'm really excited about

Kristen Boice

that. Congratulations. I know putting together a book is a labor of love.

Dr. Heather

Yes, it makes a long time it does. People

Kristen Boice

don't realize how long it takes to write it to publish it to market it I mean, there's a lot that goes into it. So congratulations. Thank you. Yes. Okay, so let's hit these truths that you refer to because I think people are like, Okay, what kind of truths are you talking about? So let's go through some of the truths that you want people to know about?

Dr. Heather

Well, I think the biggest one is that every single thing that goes on to this world, every conversation that we have, can be improved if we add love. And that's why I call it speaking with the heart, not from the heart, not here's a little truth from a heart that I'm going to share with you. But with Bri the energy of love forward and everything. Because whether somebody's angry, whether someone's frustrated, whether someone's resentful, whether someone's scared, whether someone's confused, whether someone's attacking, there needs to be more love somewhere in that whole scheme. And so since God is love, and that is his most important commandment to us, my thought was, well, let me bring a book that really speaks into that and speaks through that, and then shows people how to do that. We so oftentimes in life will say, we'll just speak with love or do it with love. We'd like yeah, of course, but we're not. And so there's something within us that doesn't know how to do it. And so instead of just telling someone how to be my thought was, but let me show them. And that's the reason why postal press picked it up. They said, We've never seen a book like this before, because I'll give an exercise. And then I'll say, Okay, so now let's talk about what happened. And then we go through the different feelings, expressions awarenesses, that have come up for the individual, as much as I can book format. But the big picture idea of it was I wanted to bless the world, I wanted to bless people with recognizing they can love themself, they can love the other, they can love a conversation. And if you choose to bring that energy in, it is going to go better, at least for you. And you will feel better, more centered, more congruent with yourself. And so that's the big picture premise of it. And then I do it in all the important ways in a relationship. So I cover attachment styles and love languages, and how do you even step into a conversation? What are the most important questions to ask what's important and good communication, giving and taking anxiety, anger, fighting money, sex, intimacy, family, holidays, budget, money, all of that, I just cover all the components that you touch upon if you're blessed to be in a relationship with somebody for a really long time. And I feel all of it's done through love. And then an interesting component of it is I've written it as a widow. And that's a beautiful thing when you're writing a couple's book, because I'll say, go grab that hand, that's next two years, because I miss not doing that. And I'm careful to not be like, Oh, feel sorry, for Heather. That's not the point of the book. But there is a point to recognize what you do have, and to really treasure it, to really nurture it, to really be grateful and to honor it, and to look at your partner, as best you can is your beloved. And so I offer lots of beautiful exercises to do that, to really cherish who you are, your partner and what you have together and to nurture it and some really fun ways to help it grow.

Kristen Boice

I love that because we do take for granted, I think oftentimes what's in front of us, because we're too mired and maybe our own stuff our own past our own pain. How do you help people get through resentments because I feel like it sounds easy to go just love more because I'm, I'm with you like that is my vision for life is love more what I find this people have blocks to accessing, like you said, they don't know how, because it wasn't shown to them. So how to help people work through the blocks and resentment to access love,

Dr. Heather

when some of these areas and I share this people might need an individual session with a therapist to take them further. Because in a book, you know, you can't do all the little idiosyncrasies that therapy is amazing for but some of the components with resentment is to ask yourself, How is it serving you if you want to stay resentful, you can stay resentful. But then you have to ask yourself, Well, how am I feeling? Because what you did to me that hurts so badly. Now I'm going to stay in a place where I'm just going to stay in hurt. And you can choose that. But if you're not going to move to a place of either freeing yourself of that, or free in your viewpoint of your partner on that your relationship is not going to thrive. And so there's some looking at that. If someone has infidelity, I'll tell a couple. You both need to be willing, but also you both need to be able sometimes the person who has been cheated on is not and I tell them if you don't move to a place where you're willing to receive your partner, even though they did do this, then you might need to be done because they did do this. So there is a place to really help the individual move into the current moment. Yes. And they hurt you deeply. And is there anything that you need from them to care about your hurt, if you're in resentment, you're not really wanting them really to care about your hurt, yet, you're angry, you're mad, you're frustrated that they hurt you. But there's a shift that needs to happen. If you're going to move out of that, which to let yourself receive. And until you're ready to receive, you're not going to there's a whole chapter on giving and receiving, we think are good at that. And I think we're all pretty not. I think we have a hard time. Most of us, I think, have a hard time truly receiving. And so I walk couples through How can you receive more and more and there there also is the place of asking and resentment, am I getting now what I want, I didn't get it, then what would I want now, and you'll have more clarity, it might not be to stay in the relationship, it might be that you really want to be loved more dearly. But an injury opens up a possibility. If you're both are willing to do something very differently going forward. We grow from our hurt, we grow from our brokenness, if we allow it. And that's the key to redemption. That's the grace of God. That is the beauty of our brokenness, the human, it was through the nails that Jesus was held up, but it was also through the nails that we pinned him to the cross. So there's always that double plays. And that's the beautiful moment of God giving us the choice of will in a moment. What do I do with us? So if you're in a place of resentment, I would ask yourself, Is this serving me? Is this blessing me? Is this bringing me closer to God? Do I feel Christ like in this? Do I even care, because you might just say, I'm just going to totally be human right now and just be angry and mad, and I'm going to stay here for a long time, do it, do it, if that's what you choose to do. At some point, it's not going to feel like that's what you want. And that's when you've got the ability to start to shift and to start to actually receive in some ways that you need because of where you were hurt, and probably a lot of clarity of where do we move forward? So this doesn't happen again? Or how do I better take care of myself? In case you remain unable to change this?

Kristen Boice

Yeah, cuz I always ask couples, like on a scale of zero to 1010. Being what I'll stay in this whatever it takes zero mouth the door? Yeah, it's kind of like assessing how willing are you to really take a look with it and at your own stuff? Because we have one finger pointing at the other person and three fingers pointing back to ourselves? Like, are you willing to do that? And if your current is so big, that you've built all these defenses up? To protect yourself? Are you willing to look at that? So when we teach people how to love, okay, how do you teach people how to love? Like, what are some of the things you start with themselves?

Dr. Heather

What are the thoughts that are going on in your head? Those thoughts that you have? This is what I tell people and myself? Is that something you would hear Jesus say, is that something that sounds like it comes from God? And a lot of times we were like, no, like, well, then how do I change my thought process to care for myself better? Every morning, I thank God that I'm alive. And I thank God that he's given me this opportunity to have this day. And I recognize that he has given it to me, for me to use it in the very best way possible. I can't change any of the choices that I've made from the past. But I can decide how I engage today. And I can keep changing that moment by moment by moment, if I realize I'm not really in alignment, or not under his discernment. And so there's the place of how committed to that are you and he knows we're gonna fall away and be selfish and be lazy and watch Netflix and eat popcorn and not do the things we're supposed to do from time to time. But that's also part of the human experience. There's these wonderful, wonderful indulgences that we get to experience at times, too. So it's finding that balance for yourself that start with you. How do you look at your life? How do you treat you? Are you really taking care of you? There's the saying that be able to love somebody else. You have to love yourself first. I absolutely thought that was a lie. I absolutely did. And I thought No. How dare you love people amazingly well, like you don't really love yourself, but like, nobody does. And the more I have allowed my heart to be grateful that I have this life that I just am this person. Not that I'm great. Not that I'm amazing. No, just that this was given to me. This is who I am. I am so much better at loving other people. Because like I accept myself. So if you come to me and you say Oh, hi there. I'm so sorry. I messed up. I forgot about doo doo doo doo doo doo da I'm probably gonna say shoot. Okay, well, yeah, I do that too. When you accept yourself, you're no longer in much resistance with somebody else. And then you really get to the place of well, how can I help you in this now? What do we do together? Loving yourself turns you very much into a we very quickly and I'm no that's the reason for it. That's the reason for the union with Christ to turn us into a week. And our focus has to be a weenus. Always walk with Christ, he's in your heart, following what it is that God calls for you to do, we are to stay in a place of weenus. Now, if you go here, a place of weakness, if it's of God and Christ, it is full of love. I had an awareness sometime last year. And I remember thinking, separation is a lie that I have told myself, there is no separation. There's no separation. I am of God, born onto the world is daughter. I'm always with God. So I had this huge awareness. And then I went, Wow, that's wild. Because so much of my life, I have felt alone. And I felt sad. And so I was thinking about that. And then I started to feel blue, like, oh, my gosh, I'm like this 25 It was so dark. And it was so hard and have a very, very lovely connection with Mother Mary. And she tapped me on my head and she goes, hold on it, you just realized there's no separation. And you're choosing to go here. Now what yell to said, why. And it was so hard for me to accept. But I said, because I want to feel sorry for myself. And she said, really? And I said, Yeah, she said, Okay, so I felt sorry for myself for a couple of minutes. And then I went, Oh, no, I want to be with God. I want to be of God, I want to feel God. So if you're anybody, because we can always grow and we're alive. If you start your day in that place, thank you. Let me feel your love. Let me be full of your love. Let me be aware, I come from your love. And let that fill me up and come through me and channel through me and touch the world and bless the world, then you're going to be vibing all day long. There is no limitation to love, there's just a limitation that we put upon it, and so on, we decide, Oh, no. Like it's all around somebody, it's in me, it's through me, then we can bring it for so much more easily. And when you have resistance that comes your way, you can recognize that and hold yourself in the place of love and shed love upon them and just keep that place of not losing your connectedness when they are in a place of separation. God did it so beautifully. He really did it so beautifully. He puts us in the place of saying you choose. And they're very different. And it's up to you, and do whatever it is that you desire to do. So we can play with it and then see, but when we hold ourselves to a place of not letting ourselves connect with who's we are, gosh, it feels so shallow and different. So start there start with what is most important, which is with your connection with God and why you are here on this earth. And when you really do that deeply. It goes better. It just does. And it feels so much better. Because you feel held, you feel loved you feel cared for. What would

Kristen Boice

you say to folks that have had religious trauma, because a lot of people that I've worked with have had religious trauma, they don't see God as loving. Like if we're using this truth. And this isn't resonating with some people, they're like, I don't even believe in God, I have been manipulated and controlled. And this has been a hell and damnation and I don't feel lots of religious trauma. So when access love, when there's been they don't see God that way, beautifully.

Dr. Heather

So what I would say to them as so you have loved yourself dearly, through some horrific experiences, let's take a moment and honor that. You removed yourself from something that was destructive and damaging and hurtful for you that is of love. So let's focus on that energy within you. That knowledge within you, that discernment within you, that wants to care for you, that wants to protect you, that is holding you right now. It can be their inner being. It can be God, it can be Mother Mary, it can be Mother Earth, it can be collective unconscious, it can be Christ energy, it's love. I mean, do we need to have a name upon it, we choose too often. But do we, that part of you that wants so much for you to feel cared for, for you to feel protected? For you to feel valued for you to feel beautiful? For you to feel present? For you to feel oneness in alignment with all that is? That is love. That is glory that is creation. And so the label the name, really to me, doesn't matter. Is it truly of love, I will use the word God. But that doesn't mean that others will at all. But I would go back to that that part of you that wants the best of you. Maybe it's a really small voice, but every time you said no, every single time you said that hurts, that part of you was resonating. This is not what I want. That's the part that I would speak to and say let's connect there. Let's connect with your inner mother. Your inner father, your inner true self, your inner divine awareness of you, who was you when you are your most glorious? Yeah,

Kristen Boice

I really liked that. Because I think a lot of people have experienced this in the name of God in the name of love, and yet abused as a result. And so it's gotten very conflictual and scared, and, and yeah, and people have been realistically abused terrifically in the name of God and the name of love, quote, unquote,

Dr. Heather

I have a very close relationship with mother Mary. And I've had some people reach out to me concerned and worried, like, what is that the dawn mother of Jesus, like, I don't know, I don't think there's really could be a more holy woman ever leave, I'm not. However, I also need to be very respectful, because some fear within them is coming up with what resonates with me. And that would be something that I would talk to people about in depth, who have gone through that, that somehow some fear was brought up in the person who was so abusive, who was so destructive, and the only thing that they needed to do was to extinguish, I had somebody the other day talk to me about love. And they were wanting it defined. And I said something that I thought was, it went to an interesting place, because he's like, well put it into words. And I said, Well, I guess this my best is love inclusive or exclusive. And he said, Oh, inclusive, lecithin, I think that's probably all we need. And when you sit with that, I don't know about you. But for me, it kind of goes, oh, there are some places where I'm not good at that. And we are all God's children. We are all here. Even if you want to move away from the Word of God,

Kristen Boice

let's say that's triggering for someone, and they don't know 8

Dr. Heather

billion people on this planet, a billion, we are each here, I am not more important than you. I am not less important than you. But I am here that significant. Even if you want to say it was an accident, it was a big boom, it was a whatever, I'm still here, probably for 90 years of me. That's a long time. So what is it that you do with that? And then more so for the individual? How do you want to experience that life? This is your life? This is this gift, whether it was supremely designed, or whether it was just a UPS, you're here? So what do you do with that? How do you enjoy it? Do you enjoy it? You don't have to have massive accolades or big plans. But do you enjoy being you? Do you enjoy the life that you have? Are you taking really good care of you? Or you're letting yourself grow and play and experience and delight, no matter what we've been given in our experience of life? Who were born into intelligence that we have physical components? What have you, this is what you got? So what are you going to do with it, and the place that I think we rest a lot is this doesn't feel fair, which there's no such thing. There's no such thing as fairness, and life. I am so blessed compared to so many people, I live in America, to Lord, and my brain works really well. I'm so blessed. You can't compare me to somebody who's been born and sex trafficking or drug addiction. So there's the place of really saying, since this is my life, how do I take the very best care of me? And in all these places where I have been hurt or wrong? What choices do I make for myself? Now, as a child, we don't have the ability to protect ourselves? We don't. And that's scary. As an adult, a whole lot more. So? Are there some situations where we completely can't? Yeah, those are rare. Most situations, we can do something to take care of herself and protect ourselves. So I mean, I would ask people, How much are you doing? Have that for you? And your thoughts? With your feelings? With your words, with your actions? With the determinations? Yeah, it's deep.

Kristen Boice

It's complex. Yeah. I mean, when you have trauma, you have family history of that, you're learning a whole new way to feel safe in the world and experience the world. So when we say love, and they get into a marriage, and they're like, Oh, I think I'm loving this person, but yet they don't have it. And the other person is looking for sort of a parent to meet these needs that they didn't get in childhood, and they pick someone that never got it either. And they're like, Oh, well, you don't have a to offer pay either. And learning to give it to yourself is like what this is all about, which is what I hear you saying is all about speaking with the heart. It's about learning to access it. Well,

Dr. Heather

and it is so important that yes, of course, I mean, I'm a widow, and I don't have a partner so I don't get to have that lovely sight right now. Hopefully, but not right now. That there's the place of recognizing, well, why would that be your responsibility anyway? What kind of position Am I putting myself in that if I'm completely dependent upon you to make me feel loved? for you to make me feel beautiful, or even safe, there's no guarantee you're going to stay. And so what am I doing to really be mindful of me that a lot of women come to me and they were raised, and they're much the traditional format, and the husband either leaves or the husband dies, and they don't know how to take care of themselves. And now they have kids in the house, and they don't understand finances, and they don't have a job. And they never learned it. And their viewpoint is, well, I'll just rely on my husband doesn't work well, right now. And there's also a place of Do you feel capable and confident within yourself. And as a human, I think that's important. Yes, I'll do partnership. But also, if something were to happen, I'm not completely reliant upon you, for me to be okay. If that's the case, then I am defining, I'm allowing you to delineate who I am, I'm letting you define me, oh, my gosh, that's dangerous. And no one should do that. But you and your internal truth, this is your life. And it's important to protect that. Because that we would want a relationship to go on forever, it doesn't always. And sometimes it's just not healthy for you to stay. And for anybody who has gone through abuse, you got to be really careful there. Because on one level, you're used to it, and you can tolerate that you can endure it because ya have. But that doesn't necessarily doesn't mean that that's what's best for you. There is a place of deciding, do you take care of yourself in situations, I heard a podcast with Matthew Hussey and I like a lot of what he does. And he was talking to a woman whose husband had cheated on her. And she said to him, I just don't know if I'll ever trust him again. He literally responded with you won't. And as a therapist of what I don't say, oh, my gosh. But he continued. And he said, Why would you he's already proven he's not trustworthy. So there's a part that, you know, he could always be untrustworthy again. So we're not going to make you have to try to make somebody who feels unsafe, feel safe, and my heart murmur, and I like, Okay, I'm getting closer, keep going, keep going. And he said, We're gonna help, yes, you guys are gonna work on your relationship, or him to see you differently, to do things differently. So you experienced that differently, that now he has a better knowing this, and you will always take care of yourself. So if at some point you find out, he has not, you take care of you, you don't leave yourself dependent upon him to decide if he's willing to care for your heart going forward. And it took me to a really interesting talk within myself about trust, because there's a Walb limit, which is, I can know for me, but I can't ever know for you. And I can know from my experience with you to this moment, but you could also throw that away in two seconds. And that isn't something that we talk about. And I think it's because we don't want to because it's scary, but I think we need to What are you doing within yourself? Or what are you doing within your relationship to really keep that present? Because that's vital for your relationship? Do you really nurture the protection within your relationship? So one of the exercises I give my clients is every single day to say, Is there any place that I have missed you today? Or is there any place where you feel like I haven't honored you? People go? Oh, I don't want to ask that. I'm like bedser, you'd have thought? Because there probably is, and wouldn't you want to know that. So you could come through. So number one, you can always say, this day forward, I am asking my partner to help me clear up any place where they haven't really felt loved, beautiful, and that I asked every day to ask them. And where did you feel the most loved by me? Where did you feel the most connected? Can we grow that a little bit more right now, if you do that every single day, oh, my gosh, your relationship is so protected. unless somebody's lying. And if somebody's lying, there's not much you can do anyway. But if you ask your partner, or your child, or your boss, or your best friend, is there any place that I've missed you, please, because I don't want to? Oh, and that's the bridge of connection with compassion that my book is all about. And to me, that is why we are here. How can I let myself care about you, and want us to be as good as we can be together until I give that to all my couples, and they come in the next week, and I can take one look at them. And I can know if they've done it or not. And I tell them like, Are You Psychic, I'm really good energetically. There's a shift that happens when every single day you're coming through for your partner. There's also something incredibly profound to never again be able to say at the end of the day, it didn't know if I loved you well today or I didn't know if you receive love. Think about it. If you do that every single day, you're gonna know your partner felt love from you, you're not gonna have that same argument. You don't love me. You don't care about me can't have those anymore. can have those. This hurt right now, I don't like this in this moment. It takes us to today being really vital, which of course it is, because that's all the rows, but it also doesn't let it pass by. And it takes two seconds. And you know what will happen? Most times the person will say, just asking me that was all that I needed. Okay, good. I have a hug. Yeah. It's so simple. It's so simple questions,

Kristen Boice

write them down? How much do you think I think just being doing marriage work you and I for so long? Attachment wounds are at the heart of so many things to the bond between the mother and the child, the connection, the emotional connection, the physical connection, I mean, all of that. And I definitely think affairs are rooted in attachment wounds. And I think communication issues are rooted in attachment wounds on a

Dr. Heather

percent. That's why it's in my Bolgar chapter on attachment. I will old chapter on love languages. And there's so many different things you could do EFT narrative, there's so many different things you could do. But attachment is key. And so when I was studying it, what really blew my mind is when I take the test, I'm secure. And yet as soon as I took the test, I'm like, Yeah, I'm anxious. Like, I know, I'm anxious. And so when I took the test and was looking through it, I was kind of embarrassed. I was embarrassed that deep down inside, I know I come from anxious. And then the most beautiful thing happened. I had incredible amount of compassion for myself. And they said my mom was a paranoid schizophrenic alcoholic who killed herself. You were molested, and then disowned at 17. Dear Lord, woman, you get a lot of reasons to be anxious. But then something bless it happened to me. When you see somebody who is detach and avoidant. Our thought process is what's wrong with them? Why are they so cold? Why don't they like people, and from studying attachment, I went, Oh, wow, they weren't love. They don't know the value of the benefit of a relationship. And they might not ever choose to have that, because they haven't experienced that. And I am imposing my anxious needy people pleaser, you know, enmeshed this upon this person who's like, lifted a play pen and took care of themselves. And by the age of 12, probably had like $100,000 in the bank was about to buy a house, you know, what I'd like to likely do like we do lightning. And then I also look to the other and I thought the person who's needy, clingy, grabbing, just needing attention, I thought up poor, poor little kid wasn't love. So when you see that, then you can help yourself with your old, you can understand yours more so. But it also gives you this beautiful way to work with others. And then when the challenges come up, they make more sense to you, the person who's more detached, you know what they're going to do, they're going to shut down, they're going to disappear, they're going to need some days to themselves, because that's how they process anxious. We're here to be texting non stop and call with no stop. And like, what did I do? What did I do? Like there's the place of knowing your partner, or yourself both? To learn how to walk through that. And I have it in my book, because I think it's a really important conversation to have. What do you need? It's in there? What do you need? When you're stressed? What do you need, when you're scared? What do you need, when you're angry, they're not going to necessarily be the same. And learning how to respect another. And the way that they walk in this world is I'm gonna say it sounds weird coming out of my head, but it is as important and helping them learn how to love you in the way that you need. Because you're honoring them, then, and you were drawn to this person for some aspects of who they are. And then there's going to be some aspects of who they aren't that you're going to have to deal with that there's going to be some aspects of who they are that you're going to have to deal with to. But if you can recognize what they come from, it makes so much more sense. I remember I was having tea with my mother in law and my daughter a couple years after my husband had passed. And Sienna my daughter asked her, when was the time that you felt the most comfortable being a mom and with your kids. And she responded never. And I couldn't understand. So we just asked her questions. And she said something really profound. She said, I had to be perfect. So I was continually concerned with making certain that everything was just fine. So that I could be perfect. That brought a lot of clarity, because honesty was a problem for my late husband. And I can see where that was. We need to look a particular way. It must all be fine. We're not going to really deal with where it's messy, or where it's fractured. And I didn't have that till after he passed, but it really helped me recognize Some of these habits and patterns that he had that were problematic for our marriage, but I didn't see it from that lens. And so when you do, I can help you tremendously. You can recognize what's going on. This is getting tense. Are you feeling overwhelmed? Do you need this to slow down? Do you need some security right now? Do you need more stability? Do you need some time to process this on your own? Do you not know what you want? And you're feeling a little reckless? Could you leave the car keys and the credit card? I mean, there's places of knowing like, what do you do when you kind of go off your wheels? And how can I help you with that attachment? So important. And if you think about it, we come into the world, there's some test tubes, but for the most part, an egg and a sperm coming together and connection, and that becomes the union. And then that becomes the embryo. And it's within the placenta, tied together with the umbilical cord on nutrients, nourishment, everything coming from Mama. And then we come out into the world and it's cut. And we're unbelievably dependent upon someone to feed us and take care of us, probably largely mom, but maybe not. Eventually, we come to the place where we can care for ourself. And even just thinking about that, what an amazing process. What an amazing process. Rom das shared something that I thought was fascinating, he said that children have to believe they're wrong. Because if a child can look at mom and dad, and say mom and dad are unsafe, then the world doesn't feel safe to them. And it's really hard for a child to exist, feeling the world around them is not safe. So they make it that they are wrong. And then at some points, we are wise enough to say no, what you did was jacked. I didn't deserve that. And that's when we realize we are to keep ourselves safe. And to bring our safety into the world. I think we're so many of us struggle is we work on trying to feel safe within ourselves. And then we step into the world and kind of go and we let go of taking care of ourselves. I needed to look up the word vulnerability a couple weeks ago, and I didn't know why. Cuz I know what it means. So I thought, but I looked it up. And it basically said, to step into a situation that you know, that is going to be harmful for you. And our dear God, why would anybody be vulnerable and so horrible time? And I thought, Okay, let me take this, because I think a lot of people look at vulnerably that way, let me open up my heart. And please don't stop me. So I thought, okay, let's change this, I'll come to you open. And I'll say I am open. And I'd love to step in more, if you can come to me open as well. And if you say no, and I say, Okay, thank you for letting me know, let me know when you are, and then I'll step back in. But we don't do that. We just say, Here's my heart, I'm jumping off a cliff, please don't kill me. And that is so foolish. And it's why we're so scared, we can change the way we experience intimacy, to lessen that fear in that place of okay, I'm going to open up a little bit more to who, and I'm going to open up a little bit more to you. And to honor that we dis honor our truth from I don't know how early on, but back being a child, and then we don't know how to take care of ourselves. I think a lot of us are all glued myself in here feel like really big, really somewhat successful three and five year olds, like wishing somebody else would tell us what to do or give us the game cloud. And I have to remember, like little four year old Heather's still here. And she at times is still really scared. And that's okay. So to me, it starts with really looking at what has your life been, and to take a deep breath and say, wow, like I've been through a lot. And I really want to take good care of me going forward, what's up beating myself up. I'm not going to shame myself anymore. I'm not going to belittle myself anymore. I had an amazing experience. I put on a dress that I hadn't worn for a wild couple years. And I put it on and it looks a little tight on my thighs. And so the thought that was popping into my head was oh my god, your thoughts are so fat, but I stopped myself before it came out. And I said thank you Dr. House. Oh my goodness, thank you. You've just shared a truth with me. I am to go to the gym, when you back of my closet. And when I've gone to the gym enough times, I'm gonna put you back on. And I realized, Oh, this is lovely. I can take a truth. Use it to help me and not shame me. Now was I excited by the fact that the dress looked a little too tight in my phones. Now was I proud of myself that I had not been going to the gym and I'd been eating more chocolate. Oh, but that wasn't my fault. My thighs didn't ask for any of that. My mouth. Okay, different story. So there's the place of really letting yourself look at how do I use this to bless me? How do I use says to help me that includes attachment styles, how do I use this knowledge that I have of you, I might not really completely understand it, I might not completely like it. But you need to go off on your own for five hours and process. And that helps you feel solid within yourself. And that helps you come back and be able to listen to me. And then I got to deal with that. Because it is very important that we do what honors ourselves for our own healing. We're the only one who lives with us, always. And we will have the most conversations with ourself than anybody else our entire lives. So it's important to nurture that and take care of that, and hopefully be grateful for that. I don't get to be you. I don't get to have somebody else's life. So how can I make mine as beautiful or as wonderful as I can? Dr. Heather

Kristen Boice

Brown, get laid it down. This is great. Is there anything else we did not cover as a takeaway for today?

Dr. Heather

Oh, god, yes, like hours of our needs without it. But I think mostly be gentle with you. Like it's confusing being a human being, it just is and a mom or a husband or a son or a daughter, just you it's just hard being you it is hard being you being in this world of all these people who do all these things. And so there's the place of Be gracious with you. Be on top of your stuff, to help yourself grow and, and improve but be gracious with you. And as as much as possible, like be your best friend, people will reach out to me and they just need to come in from other effects. And I know what I mean, because that's something that I think I've gotten pretty good at is loving my experience as much as possible. And it's just easier to deal with the crud that happens when you do so take really good care of you and honor you and nurture you and uplift you and protect you and share yourself in any way you're willing to share yourself. And if you do it from a place of love, amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing amazing things are gonna happen. Because everything is better with love. I never replace or wasn't enough so that means for sure where to bring more for ourselves and for everybody else because this world needs so much love we all to

Kristen Boice

doctor had a brown thank you so much working like you did I want you and your new books speaking with the heart, where can they find the book and you

Dr. Heather

go to my website, the hub of Heather's so www.drheatherbrowne.com Everything's there social media, the book also you can go to Amazon and Barnes and Noble. It will be out we're hoping the 23rd 24th 25th sometime and that for whenever this airs that yeah, if you go to my website, you'll find everything my workshops, my freebies, so just go there.

Kristen Boice

Thank you for sharing your heart, your love and your energy grateful for you. Oh, I'm

Dr. Heather

so grateful for your love. Thank you for having me.

Kristen Boice

Thank you for being on the closer chapter podcast. I was so excited for your book go grab it. Thank you so much for listening to the close the chapter podcast. My hope is that you took home some actionable steps, along with motivation, inspiration and hope for making sustainable change in your life. If you enjoyed this episode, click the subscribe button to be sure to get the updated episodes every week and share with a friend or a family member. For more information about how to get connected visit kristendboice,com. Thanks and have a great day.