Author: Kristen

07.15.25

What Is EMDR Therapy and How Can It Help You Heal?

Have you ever felt stuck like something from the past keeps replaying, and no matter how much you talk about it, it just won’t go away?

Maybe it shows up as anxiety that feels bigger than the moment. Or shame that hits out of nowhere. Or maybe your body reacts—tight chest, racing heart, shutting down—and you can’t explain why.

When something overwhelming doesn’t get fully processed—especially in childhood or trauma—it doesn’t just “go away.” It lives on in your body and nervous system. That’s where EMDR comes in.

What Is EMDR, Really?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. (I know, it’s a lot of syllables.) But in simple terms, it’s a therapy that helps you finally move through what got stuck—emotionally, physically, and mentally.

Originally developed to treat combat trauma and PTSD, EMDR has now helped people around the world work through:

Childhood trauma
Anxiety and panic
Grief and loss
Phobias and triggers
Shame and core beliefs like “I’m not safe” or “I’m not enough”

It helps you put the past where it belongs—in the past—so you can live more fully in the present.

How It Works

Here’s how I explain it to clients:

Imagine your brain is like a computer. When something overwhelming happens—especially early in life or without support—it’s like that moment stays open on your hard drive. You might not be thinking about it every day, but it’s running in the background, draining your system.

EMDR helps you close the file.

We use something called bilateral stimulation—which just means right-left, right-left movement. That could be:

Following a finger or light with your eyes
Holding little tappers that vibrate back and forth
Using headphones with gentle tones that alternate sides

While that’s happening, we invite your system to connect to a belief, a memory, a body sensation—whatever feels most alive. And your brain starts to do what it didn’t get to do back then: process, release, and settle.

The memory doesn’t disappear. But the intensity? The stuckness? That starts to shift.

What You Don’t Need

You don’t need to remember every detail.
You don’t need to tell your whole story if that feels too vulnerable.
You don’t need to push yourself.

We go at your pace. We build safety first. And we make sure your nervous system feels supported the entire way.

What Starts to Change

Clients often say things like:

“It doesn’t hit as hard anymore.”
“I can talk about it without falling apart.”
“I feel calmer in my body.”
“I actually believe I’m safe now.”

You start responding instead of reacting.
You learn to stay with your feelings instead of numbing out or shutting down.
You come back home to yourself.

Is EMDR Right for Me?

If you’ve been talking about the same pain for years and still feel stuck...
If your body feels like it’s holding something you can’t quite name...
If the same triggers keep hijacking your peace...

EMDR might be worth exploring.

It’s not a quick fix—but it’s a powerful one. Especially when you're ready to show up for what’s been waiting to be healed.

One Last Thing

Healing doesn’t mean you’ll never get triggered again.
It means when you do, you’ll know how to come back to center.
You’ll know how to soothe, how to stay, how to move through.

You are worth the healing.
You are allowed to feel safe in your own body.
And you don’t have to carry it all anymore.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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07.09.25

How to Reconnect With Yourself: 8 Everyday Habits for Emotional Wellness

Life can get busy, and before we know it, we find ourselves disconnected—physically, mentally, and emotionally. But it doesn't have to be this way. There are simple, everyday practices we can all integrate into our lives to feel more grounded and connected with ourselves. If you're feeling overwhelmed or unsure where to start, you're in the right place.

I want to share some practices that have had a major impact on my emotional and mental well-being, and I hope they’ll do the same for you. These are things I do regularly.

Let’s dive in.

1. Start With One Simple Question: Journaling Made Easy

Let’s talk about journaling for a minute. I know some of you might be thinking, “I’m not a journaler,” or “That doesn’t really work for me.” And I get it. But what if you gave this one simple thing a try?

Each day, ask yourself this one question:

“Dear God (or whatever works for you), what do you want me to know or see today?”

This isn’t about having a huge revelation or trying to figure everything out all at once. It’s more about giving yourself a moment to pause, quiet the noise, and invite guidance into your day. Whether that’s God, your inner wisdom, or simply the clarity you need—allow yourself to make space and listen.

For me, this practice has been such a game-changer. It’s helped me work through feelings of doubt, shame, and anxiety. It brings a sense of peace and perspective that I don’t always find elsewhere.

You can always write it down in a notebook or journal that feels safe to you. There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to do this. Just trust the process and see where it leads. You might be surprised by what shows up.

2. Slow Down to Recharge

Sometimes, we need that “reset” moment where we give ourselves permission to do nothing. Maybe for you, that looks like taking a break from the busyness of life to reconnect with what really matters.

What do you need to let go of to make space for your mental and emotional health? The answer may be as simple as slowing down.

Taking the time to step back, recharge, and reconnect with what truly matters makes all the difference. It's not always about doing more. Sometimes it's about doing less to let yourself breathe and be.

3. Get Back to Your Practices (Even the Small Ones)

Life gets busy, and sometimes we drop the practices that keep us grounded. I know I do. But when I made time to get back to the simple practices I’ve taught my clients over the years—journaling, reflecting, meditating—it made a huge difference.

Whether it's a five-minute breathing exercise in the morning or a quick gratitude practice, find a routine that works for you. If you’re feeling out of touch with yourself, getting back into these habits is a great place to start. You’ll feel emotionally clearer and more connected to yourself when you do.

4. Set Your Intentions (Instead of “Goals”)

Every day, write out 10 intentions. Don’t worry about them being perfect. Just check in with what you want to focus on. It could be something like "be more patient" or "make time for creativity," but it helps you stay grounded in what truly matters.

Rather than getting caught up in external expectations (or that dreaded “goal-setting pressure”), intentions come from a place of self-awareness and connection. They allow you to align your day with what you truly need, not what the world or society expects from you.

5. A Simple Planner Can Make All the Difference

I use a planner every day. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but it really helps me stay focused on my emotional well-being. Some people use planners with calendars, but I personally prefer ones with a gratitude practice or daily intentions. These planners help me stay connected to what really matters—like how I’m feeling and what my emotional priorities are that day.

Find a planner that works for you, or simply use a notebook to jot down what’s most important. Just writing down what you want to focus on, be it your to-do list, your gratitude, or your feelings, helps you stay connected to the present moment.

6. Avoid Toxic Habits (Like Alcohol)

I know this one might be tough to hear, but it’s important. Alcohol can have a huge impact on your mental health. I’ve seen it too many times in my work—how alcohol can affect relationships, stifle emotional growth, and hinder clarity of mind.

If you're relying on alcohol as a coping mechanism, it’s time to reflect on how it's serving you (or not serving you).

Reducing or eliminating alcohol might be one of the most powerful ways to clear your mind and help your emotional growth.

7. Listen to Inspiring Podcasts or Books

If you’re like me and find yourself scrolling on your phone instead of connecting inwardly, try listening to something that inspires you. Whether it’s a podcast, audiobook, or even a YouTube channel, make space for things that help you grow and feel less alone. Podcasts, especially, have taught me so much over the years, and I always walk away with new insights.

8. Have Hard Conversations with Love

Lastly, I want to talk about something that we often avoid—having difficult conversations. Whether it’s with a partner, friend, or family member, avoiding hard conversations only keeps us stuck. It keeps us in cycles of resentment, misunderstanding, and emotional distance.

What if we could have these conversations with love instead of fear? What if we could show up, speak our truth, and listen deeply? It might be uncomfortable, but it’s one of the most powerful ways to build emotional wellness.

There you have it—8 practices to support your emotional and mental health.

I want you to know that no matter where you are on your journey, these things can help you reconnect with yourself and create the space for healing. Take it slow, be gentle with yourself, and know that you’re not alone in this.

I’d love to hear from you—how are these practices working for you? Feel free to share your journey with me anytime. And don’t forget to grab your free journal to get started.

With love and support,

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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06.24.25

The Power of Listening: Strengthening Our Mental Health and Community

Have you ever had someone truly listen to you? Not just hear your words, but be fully present—taking it all in without judgment or distraction? It’s rare, but when it happens, it can be life-changing. Being deeply heard impacts how we see ourselves, how we connect with others, and even how we begin to heal.

In our fast-paced, often distracted world, we don’t always make the time to really listen. But when we do, something powerful happens: we feel seen, understood, and less alone. And that kind of connection is essential for our mental and emotional well-being.

The Impact of Listening in Our Communities

Sometimes the most healing thing we can offer is simply our presence—just listening without trying to fix, judge, or interrupt. I see it in my work all the time: the simple act of being heard can be a huge relief.

And it’s not just in personal relationships. Listening plays a vital role across every part of our communities.

Take healthcare workers, for example. They’re on the front lines every day, holding so much. When they don’t have the space to share their own struggles, burnout sets in—impacting not just their mental health, but the care they give.

Patients need to be heard, too. For someone facing a difficult diagnosis or a long treatment journey, being truly listened to builds trust, offers comfort, and fosters hope. When care teams take the time to hear what patients are saying, beyond just symptoms, it makes a real difference.

Making Room for Everyone

In a world filled with noise, fear, and division, listening is a radical act of connection. We don’t have to agree with each other to show empathy. When we choose to listen with an open heart, we create space for understanding and healing.

This is the kind of mental health work we need more of. Not just in therapy rooms, but in homes, workplaces, and communities.

A Call to Action: Start Today

Building a more connected and emotionally healthy community doesn’t require grand gestures. It starts with small, meaningful moments.

Begin by checking in with the people around you: your partner, a friend, a colleague, or even a neighbor.

Ask how they’re really doing and then truly listen. Not just to the words they say, but to what’s underneath. Put down the phone, pause the distractions, and give them your full attention. Simply creating space for someone to speak without rushing to offer advice or fix things.

When someone feels genuinely heard, it can ease loneliness, deepen trust, and even shift the course of their day. And over time, these small moments of connection become the foundation of stronger relationships and a more compassionate community.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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06.17.25

When “Closeness” Costs You Your Self: Understanding and Healing from Enmeshment Trauma

You may not have called it trauma. In fact, you may have called it love.

Maybe you grew up in a family that seemed close. Really close. You talked every day. You knew everything about each other. You were the one everyone leaned on, the dependable one, the one who “just understood.” And maybe even now, you find yourself being the strong one, the fixer, the person others turn to when they’re falling apart.

But somewhere along the way, something started to feel off. You second-guess your needs. You feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions. You find it hard to say no without guilt. You lose yourself in relationships or avoid them altogether. And you’re not exactly sure when or how that started.

This might be the moment you realize what looked like closeness was actually enmeshment. And it’s been shaping how you show up in relationships, in decisions, in your sense of self.

If any of that lands for you, keep reading. We’re going to talk about what enmeshment actually is, how to recognize it, how it shows up in relationships, and most importantly how to begin healing.

What Is Enmeshment?

Enmeshment is a relational trauma that happens when the boundaries between parent and child are blurred. Instead of supporting the child’s individuality, a parent becomes emotionally over-reliant on them. The child’s role becomes one of emotional caretaker, problem-solver, companion, or even surrogate partner.

What makes enmeshment particularly hard to identify is that it can masquerade as closeness. From the outside, it looks like a tight-knit family. But what’s actually happening is a lack of emotional separation, a fusion of identities. And it often leaves the child with a persistent fear of setting boundaries, a deep sense of guilt when they do, and a struggle to connect to their own needs.

As a therapist trained in systems theory, I look at the full picture—family patterns, intergenerational dynamics, unspoken rules. And enmeshment often hides in plain sight.

The Three Types of Enmeshed Parenting

Enmeshment can take many forms, but it often falls into one or more of these patterns.

The Romanticized Parent

This parent leans on the child for emotional companionship, often without realizing it. They might share adult problems, rely on the child for comfort, or idealize them in a way that feels special but also suffocating. The child learns to prioritize the parent’s emotional needs, becoming the surrogate spouse instead of just being a kid.

The Helicopter Parent

Driven by anxiety, this parent micromanages the child’s every move including school, friendships, and choices. It can look like care, but it's rooted in fear. The child doesn't learn autonomy. They learn that love is conditional and that control equals safety.

The Incapacitated Parent

When a parent is struggling with chronic illness, addiction, or unhealed trauma, the child often steps into a caregiving role. This is known as parentification. The child becomes the emotional or physical caretaker and never gets to fully develop their own identity because they’re so focused on keeping the family functioning.

How Enmeshment Shapes Adult Relationships

These early patterns leave a lasting imprint. As adults, many people who experienced enmeshment struggle with codependency, difficulty identifying their own needs, or feeling consumed by guilt when they try to set boundaries.

Intimate relationships often feel overwhelming or confusing. You might attach quickly, feel anxious when a partner pulls away, or completely shut down when someone gets too close. You may find yourself over-giving, constantly seeking reassurance, or defaulting to caretaking roles because somewhere along the way, love got tangled up with responsibility and performance.

Some people become serially independent, avoiding closeness out of fear it will consume them. Others merge completely, taking on their partner’s preferences, needs, even identity. And some swing between both

What Healing Looks Like

Healing from enmeshment is a process of learning to reconnect with yourself. That might start with simple things like breathwork or journaling, where you begin to ask, “What do I feel? What do I want?” And it grows from there.

Therapy is often an essential part of the journey, especially with a trauma-informed therapist who understands family systems and relational wounds. Modalities like EMDR, brainspotting, or somatic experiencing can be incredibly helpful.

You’ll also learn to set boundaries without shame. You’ll learn to say no not as rejection, but as self-honoring. You’ll begin to recognize your own patterns and give yourself permission to do something different.

Books like Homecoming by John Bradshaw or It’s Not Always Depression by Hilary Jacobs Hendel are great resources. So is any practice that helps you slow down, notice your thoughts, and reconnect with your body.

And maybe most of all, you’ll start offering yourself the validation, compassion, and space that you spent your childhood giving to everyone else.

You Are Allowed to Be Your Own Person

If this stirred something in you—maybe a quiet knowing, maybe a heavy grief—I just want to say: you are not alone.

You are not wrong for needing space. You are not selfish for wanting boundaries. You are not broken for losing your voice. You are healing.

And it is okay to be new to this. It’s okay if some days feel strong and others don’t. It’s okay if it feels messy, slow, or layered. That’s exactly what healing looks like.

You get to take your time. You get to ask for support. You get to be someone who is learning to belong to themselves again.

That is not just healing. It's a reclamation. And it’s yours.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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06.08.25

5 Healing Myths That Can Keep You Stuck (And What’s Actually True)

You can be years into therapy. You can have shelves full of self-help books, a breathwork practice you actually stick to, and a therapist you trust. You can be the person your friends turn to for support, the one who’s done the training, learned the language, practiced the tools, and still feel stuck.

What’s more likely is that you’re bumping up against a few deeply ingrained beliefs about what healing is supposed to look like. And when those expectations don’t match your lived experience, it’s easy to assume something must be wrong with you.

When we carry quiet myths about how healing should unfold, we can end up stuck in shame or self-doubt without even realizing it.

Here are five of the most common healing myths I have come across. Let’s walk through them together.

Myth 1: Once I process my trauma, it won’t come back up again.

This is just not true. It’s very possible the pain will return in another form or at a different stage of your life.

That doesn’t mean you didn’t do the work. It just means healing comes in layers. When something reactivates, it’s often a gentle invitation to go a little deeper. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your body is wise and wants care.

Myth 2: If I heal enough, I won’t get triggered anymore.

Triggers are not signs that you’ve failed. They’re signs that you are human and that something inside you is asking for attention. You might notice a feeling in your body or a sudden emotional reaction. That’s your system responding to something it has learned might not be safe.

Myth 3: If I heal, other people will heal too.

Your healing can inspire and impact people around you, especially if you're a parent. The way you show up does shift relationships. But no matter how much inner work you do, others still have to choose their own healing.

You can model change. You can break patterns. You can create emotional safety. But you cannot heal someone else’s pain for them. And that doesn’t make your healing any less valuable.

Myth 4: I don’t need to explore my past to move forward.

This one comes up a lot. It’s understandable to not want to revisit painful memories. But the past does shape how you respond in the present. If something from childhood was never acknowledged or processed, it often shows up again as emotional patterns, self-protection, or disconnection.

Looking at your past is not about blame. It’s about clarity. When you understand what shaped you, you begin to soften. You begin to choose something new. That’s what creates real change.

Myth 5: The answers are outside of me.

This is one of the biggest misconceptions I see. The truth is, the answers are already within you. They may be buried under shame or fear or past survival strategies, but they are there.

Healing is not about finding someone to fix you. It’s about returning to your own voice and learning how to trust it again.

If you're doing this work and it feels messy or slow, I want you to know that's normal. Healing is not a straight line. Sometimes you feel strong and clear, and the next day, something pulls you back into an old pattern.

That’s okay. You are not failing. You are healing.

Give yourself permission to keep going, especially on the hard days. You're doing the most important work of all.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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06.01.25

Learning to Be on Your Own Side: What Self-Compassion Really Means

Most of us know how to show up for others when they’re hurting. We offer kind words. We soften our tone. We reassure. But when we’re the ones in pain—whether we’ve made a mistake, feel like we’re falling short, or are stuck in the fog of self-doubt—our inner dialogue often turns cold, critical, and sharp.

So here’s the question worth sitting with:
How do you treat yourself when you’re in pain?

Not once you've fixed it. Not when everything’s smoothed over. But right in the middle of the mess.

That’s what self-compassion is about.

The word compassion comes from the Latin meaning to suffer with. Self-compassion is how you respond to your own suffering.

Do you meet it with warmth and care or judgment and distance? And more importantly, can you begin to shift the way you show up for yourself, especially when things aren’t going well?

It’s Not Just About Being Nice

Self-compassion isn’t just about saying nice things to ourselves. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, it has three parts:

Mindfulness – the ability to actually notice and name what’s happening, without getting overwhelmed or ignoring it.
Common humanity – reminding ourselves that we’re not the only ones who struggle. Everyone feels like this sometimes.
Kindness – talking to ourselves with warmth and understanding, instead of criticism.

And one of the things that often surprises people is that self-compassion isn’t just soft. There’s a fierce side, too.

The Fierce and the Tender

Tender self-compassion is the soothing kind. It’s what we offer ourselves when we need to be held. Try placing a hand on your heart, taking a breath, saying “It’s okay, I’m here.”

But sometimes, what we need isn’t soothing—it’s action. That’s the fierce side.

Fierce self-compassion is setting a boundary. Saying no. Leaving the situation. Speaking the truth. Standing up for yourself with clarity and courage.

And we need both. Because sometimes healing means softening. And sometimes it means taking a stand.

So self-compassion might sound like, “You’re doing your best. Let’s take a break.” Or it might sound like, “This isn’t working. It’s time to make a change.”

Both are valid. Both are loving.

“But What If I Don’t Even Like Myself?”

This comes up all the time. I’ve had so many clients say, “I don’t even like myself, let alone love myself. How am I supposed to be compassionate?”

And the answer might surprise you as liking yourself isn’t actually required.

Self-compassion isn’t based on judgment. It’s not about whether you think you’re a good person or a bad one. It’s not even about whether you love yourself or not. It’s about offering kindness to yourself because you’re human. Just like you would to anyone else who’s hurting.

You don’t need to pass a test to be worthy of compassion. You were born worthy.

So... How Do You Actually Start?

You start right where you are. Honestly, that’s the most compassionate place to begin.

If being kind to yourself feels unfamiliar or even impossible—try saying something simple and true, like:
“It’s really hard to be kind to myself right now.”

That alone is an act of self-compassion. You’re acknowledging your experience without judgment. And that kind of honesty is far more powerful than forcing something you don’t believe.

Then gently remind yourself. You’re not the only one who feels this way.

“Other people feel this too.”
“This is part of being human.”

From there, ask yourself what might feel supportive in this moment. Maybe it’s a slow breath. A softer inner tone. A hand over your heart. The words don’t need to be profound—just real.

“I’m doing the best I can.”
“I deserve some care too.”
“It’s okay to feel this way.”

You don’t need to be fixed. You need to be cared for.
You don’t need to earn your own tenderness. You just need to let yourself have it.

You are allowed to struggle.
You are allowed to fall apart sometimes.
And you are still—always—worthy of compassion.

Right here. Right now. No perfection required. Just start where you are.

And if you forget? That’s okay, too.
That’s just another moment to begin again.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

This blog was inspired by Close the Chapter Podcast Episode 239 – Developing Fierce Self-Compassion with Dr. Kristin Neff.

🎧 Want to go deeper?
Watch or listen to the full conversation below.

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05.21.25

When Food Feels Safer Than Feelings: A Gentle Path Toward Healing Emotional Eating

Have you ever opened the fridge—not because your body needed food, but because your heart felt heavy?

Maybe you were anxious. Lonely. Overwhelmed.
Maybe you just needed something to soften the edges of a moment that felt too sharp to bear.

It’s more than just food.
It's about survival.
It's about a nervous system that learned early on how to reach for comfort in a world that didn’t always feel safe.

Where Emotional Eating Begins

Most approaches to emotional eating focus on food: what to eat, when to eat and how much. But real healing doesn’t start with rules—it starts with understanding.

Many people who struggle with emotional eating were never taught how to feel their feelings safely. In childhood or adolescence, food may have been one of the only accessible ways to self-soothe. While other coping tools—like alcohol, cigarettes, or emotional support—weren’t available, food often was. A dollar for a candy bar could bring a moment of relief when no one else was there to hold your pain.

Food became comfort. Consistency. Protection. Not because you were lazy or lacked willpower—but because your body was doing what it had to do to survive.

This is why emotional eating is not a discipline problem. It’s a relationship issue—shaped by early experiences, trauma, and the ways your nervous system adapted in the face of stress.

What’s Really Beneath the Craving?

That craving for food—especially when you're not physically hungry—isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a message.

Your body is trying to say:
“Something inside me needs care.”

Cravings aren’t random; they’re relational. They point to discomfort, unmet needs, or emotions that haven’t yet found a safe place to land.

Emotional eating is often a signal—not a problem to fix, but an invitation to listen.

When a craving hits, especially after emotional overwhelm, pause if you can. Take a breath. And gently ask yourself:

What just happened?
What am I feeling right now?
Where do I feel it in my body?

A tight chest. A lump in your throat. A pit in your stomach. These sensations aren’t “overreactions”—they are cues from your nervous system, speaking in the language it learned to survive.

Try to name what you’re feeling: “I feel sad.” “I feel scared.” “I feel forgotten.” Just naming it can begin to calm your system and bring you back into relationship with yourself.

The Role of Shame

One of the most painful parts of emotional eating isn’t the eating—it’s the shame that follows. We quickly move from “I’m hurting” to “I messed up.” The original pain gets buried beneath self-blame.

Shame doesn’t stop the cycle. It fuels it.

It keeps you locked in a loop of guilt and silence, pulling focus away from what actually needs care: your emotional world. Shame distracts you from the healing work of understanding, soothing, and reconnecting.

Trauma, Dysregulation, and the Body

If food has long been your go-to comfort, it may be because your nervous system has lived in a state of high alert for years. Especially for those who’ve experienced trauma—whether through abuse, neglect, grief, or chronic instability—the body often learns to stay braced, guarded, hyperaware.

Even everyday stress can feel overwhelming when your system is already holding so much.

You may notice tightness, anxiety, numbness, or brain fog. You may feel disconnected from your body altogether. This is called dysregulation—and it’s not a flaw. It’s a nervous system doing its best to protect you.

When you’re dysregulated, it becomes hard to access intuition around food or emotion. You might wonder, Am I actually hungry? Or just overwhelmed? But the signals feel mixed or muted.

That’s why true healing goes beyond changing behavior—it begins with creating a felt sense of safety within your nervous system, especially in the places that learned to stay on guard.

Learning to pause. To breathe. To notice. To gently come back into connection with your body, again and again, with compassion.

Healing doesn’t mean you’ll never emotionally eat again.

It means you’ll learn how to respond to yourself with care instead of criticism. And over time, that gentle care becomes the very thing that helps you feel safe enough to heal.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

Dive a little deeper into this topic below

05.14.25

What If Your Thoughts Aren’t Even Yours? How Introjection Shapes Who You Think You Are

“I don’t even know who I am.”

If you’ve ever thought that, whether in therapy, to a friend, or quietly in your own head, I want you to know something – it’s okay. In fact, it’s more common than you think. And, it’s a powerful place to begin.

Because so many of us walk around carrying beliefs, patterns, and behaviors that were not truly ours. They were passed down. Taught. Implied. Ingested, sometimes without a word being said. That’s called introjection, and it impacts everything from how you feel about yourself to how you function in relationships.

What Is Introjection? (And Why It Matters)

Introjection is a psychological process where we unconsciously absorb the beliefs, emotions, and personality traits of others—especially caregivers, authority figures, or people we needed love and approval from. It often happens in childhood, when we’re still forming our sense of self.

Let me break it down. If your parent believed “emotions are weak,” you likely internalized that message – whether it was said out loud or just shown through actions and tone. If your family prioritized peace over truth, you probably learned to silence your voice to avoid conflict.

We do this to stay safe. To stay connected. But over time, those absorbed beliefs can feel like our own—until we start questioning them.

Signs You’re Living from an Introjected Belief

You feel disconnected from your authentic self.
You’re afraid to express your emotions or needs.
You feel “bad” or “wrong” for disagreeing with people you love.
You struggle with people-pleasing or self-criticism.
You notice recurring patterns in your relationships (especially unhealthy ones).

These signs aren’t proof that something’s wrong with you. They’re clues that you might be living from someone else’s values, not your own.

Introjection vs. Projection: What’s the Difference?

While projection is when we place our own feelings onto others (e.g., assuming someone is judging us when really, we’re judging ourselves), introjection is the opposite. It’s when we take on the feelings or beliefs of others and internalize them without conscious thought.

It often happens between children and parents, but it can also happen with teachers, coaches, spiritual leaders or anyone we looked to for guidance or safety.

How Introjections Affect Your Adult Relationships

Let’s say you grew up in a family that didn’t show affection. You learned that emotional expression = weakness. Fast forward to adulthood, and now you're in a relationship where your partner is craving emotional intimacy but you shut down or pull away.

That isn’t just a “you problem.” That’s an introjection showing up. And if you don’t examine where it came from, you may continue to repeat the same painful patterns.

This is something I see all the time in couples therapy—one partner with anxious attachment, the other with avoidant attachment, both reenacting the dynamics they learned from childhood.

The good news? You can unlearn it.

How to Identify Your Own Introjected Beliefs

Here’s where the self-awareness work begins. Grab a notebook or journal and explore these questions:

What belief just got triggered?
Where do I think this belief came from?
Does this feel like something I truly believe—or something I was taught to believe?
How does this belief show up in my body (tension, anxiety, etc.)?
Is it serving me now? Do I want to keep it?
If not, how do I want to rewrite it?

This is the heart of inner child work and reparenting—learning to examine what you’ve absorbed, and giving yourself permission to rewrite the narrative.

Introjection and Generational Trauma

A lot of the beliefs we carry didn’t start with us. They were passed down—generational trauma that we absorbed without even realizing it. Maybe your parent was emotionally unavailable because their parent was too. And so on.

Doing this work is about breaking those cycles.

You might be afraid to question what you were taught. You might worry, “Will my family still love me if I change?” That fear is valid. But as an adult, you have the power to decide what you want to believe. You don’t have to carry everything you were handed.

What Happens When You Start to Grow?

It’s normal to feel grief. Confusion. Even loneliness. Because when you grow, the system around you feels it. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It means you’re evolving.

You may have chosen a partner who matched your old belief system. And now that you’re waking up and doing the deeper work, you want something more—connection, truth and emotional safety.

That’s growth. And it’s okay to invite your partner (or family) into that journey. Share this blog with them. Start the conversation.

But know this: you don’t need anyone’s permission to heal.

Reclaiming Your Authentic Self

At the end of the day, this is about rediscovering you.

The you that isn’t performing, pleasing, or protecting.

The you that gets to feel, question, speak up, and choose.

So next time you're triggered, pause. Get curious. Ask yourself: Is this belief truly mine? Or was it someone else’s I never got to question?

That’s how we break the cycle. That’s how we reclaim our freedom.
And, that’s how we finally come home to ourselves.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

Dive a little deeper into this topic below

04.29.25

Before You Say “I Do”: How to Build a Relationship That Actually Lasts

A guide for couples who want more than just a beautiful wedding day

What if the best time to do the deeper work in your relationship isn’t when things feel hard—but before the wedding, before the ring, maybe even before the words “I love you” are spoken?

The truth is, many of us carry unspoken baggage into our relationships—childhood wounds, unhealed experiences, and protective patterns we don’t even realize are there. And while they may stay hidden for a while, they almost always surface—often as tension, miscommunication, or emotional distance.

Starting the hard conversations early doesn’t mean something is wrong. It means you’re choosing to build something strong, honest, and lasting.

So instead of waiting until disconnection shows up, what if you created space now—to talk about what shaped you, what you need to feel safe, and how you want to grow together?

Let’s explore what you can do before you say “I do” to lay the foundation for a relationship built on emotional safety, curiosity, and truth.

1. Get Curious About the Story Behind the Story

Before marriage, it’s easy to focus on logistics—where to live, how many kids you want, what the wedding will look like.

But deeper questions matter more.

Ask each other:

What was conflict like in your home growing up?
How did your family express (or suppress) emotion?
What messages did you receive about love, safety, anger, or affection?

You are not just marrying someone’s present—you’re entering their past too. And understanding that landscape helps you walk it with compassion, not confusion.

2. Consider Premarital Counseling… Even Early

Let me normalize this for you — therapy isn’t just for when things are falling apart. It’s for building something healthy and lasting—on purpose.

Some couples choose to go to premarital counseling just months into dating. Not because they’re in a rush, but because they want to get real—fast.

They want to:

Talk about family of origin wounds
Get honest about communication and sex
Explore what marriage truly means to each of them
Learn tools to navigate conflict in healthy, connected ways

If you’re afraid to bring it up, that’s okay. But maybe lean into that fear and ask what it’s trying to tell you. Growth requires courage—and love does too.

3. Learn How to Listen With Empathy, Not Defense

One of the most powerful skills couples can practice is mirroring—slowing down enough to reflect back what your partner said before responding.

It might sound like:
“What I’m hearing you say is that you felt dismissed when I didn’t respond to your message.”

That simple act helps your partner feel seen and heard, which creates safety—and safety is what allows intimacy to deepen.

Empathy isn’t fixing. It’s not agreeing. It’s being with. And that presence is often more healing than any solution.

4. Recognize That Everyone Brings Baggage

We all bring something into the relationship—family pain, past heartbreaks, defense mechanisms we developed to survive.

The goal isn’t to pretend those don’t exist. The goal is to name them, understand them, and take responsibility for how they show up now.

If you tend to shut down when emotions get big, explore why. If you notice yourself reacting with anger, get curious about what’s underneath that. (Often, it’s fear, shame, or sadness.)

Awareness isn’t self-criticism—it’s self-leadership.

5. Create Your Own Blueprint

Just because you grew up with yelling or silence doesn’t mean that has to be your norm.

You can choose something different.

Sit down and talk honestly about:

How you want to handle conflict
What rituals or rhythms help you reconnect
What it looks like to repair after a rupture
What kind of emotional environment you want to raise a family in (if you choose to)

You get to design your own emotional home.

6. Normalize Needing Space and Staying Connected

If you or your partner tend to pull away in conflict, that doesn’t mean you’re broken. It might mean you need time to self-regulate, breathe, and come back clear.

The key is communication.

Saying something like:
“I need some space to get grounded, but I’ll come back to talk in 30 minutes,” can be a game-changer.

Creating space when emotions run high allows each of you to self-regulate in your own way, so you can return with clarity and compassion—side by side, not against each other.

7. Do Your Own Work—Even If Your Partner Isn’t Ready Yet

The deepest relationships are created by people who are willing to look inward. Who are willing to say:
“I want to understand why I react this way.”
“I want to heal so I don’t repeat the same patterns.”

Even if your partner isn’t ready to go there yet, your work matters. And it creates ripple effects.

Read the books. Go to therapy. Listen to podcasts. Journal. Be willing to grow—and invite your partner into that journey gently, without shame or pressure.

Rooting Your Relationship in What Lasts

Doing the deeper work before marriage doesn’t mean you need to have all the answers. It means you’re choosing to walk in with awareness and intention.

You’re choosing honesty—even when it’s uncomfortable.

You’re willing to face the hard stuff, instead of avoiding it.

You’re open to growth, even when it challenges old patterns.

And you’re committed to love that feels safe, steady, and real—not driven by fear, performance, or control.

If you’re moving toward marriage—or simply growing deeper together—consider this your invitation to pause and lean in.

Get curious about each other. About the stories, patterns, and beliefs you both carry. And about the kind of relationship you truly want to create—together, on purpose.

When you build from that place—intentional, grounded, and emotionally safe—you’re not just preparing for a wedding. You’re creating the kind of connection that can grow, evolve, and thrive from the inside out.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

Dive a little deeper into this topic below

04.22.25

A Big Factor Keeping You Stuck: Are You Living in Fantasy or Reality?

A Big Factor Keeping You Stuck:

Are You Living in Fantasy or Reality?

Have you ever wondered, why do I still feel stuck even though I’m doing the work?

Do you feel like you’ve been patient, loving, understanding—maybe even bending over backwards—but nothing is actually changing?

Are you holding onto the hope that someone will finally “get it,” or that things will magically shift… if you just say the right thing, or wait a little longer?

There’s a big, often invisible factor that keeps people stuck in their relationships, in their healing, and in their growth. It’s this: you’re living in a fantasy instead of reality.

And let me be honest—this shows up with almost every single client I see. So if it’s showing up for you, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken. But it is something we need to look at, because you can’t heal what you won’t name.

The Quiet Movie You’re Playing in Your Mind

A lot of us don’t realize it, but we’re living out a movie in our heads. We’re holding onto a vision of who someone could be or used to be, and not paying attention to who they are right now.

You're hoping they’ll change if you just say it the right way. If you present it gently enough. If you stay quiet long enough. You’re hoping that somehow they’ll finally see what you’ve been saying all along. But they don’t. And that hope keeps you stuck.

What we’re doing is dropping hints. And let me tell you—people don’t respond to hints. They respond to clear, direct, and courageous communication. But you might be afraid. Afraid of hurting someone. Afraid of being rejected. Afraid of the fallout. So instead, you stay in the movie. And that movie? That fantasy? It becomes a trap.

Why It’s So Hard to Let Go

Let’s get underneath it. Many of us grew up in homes where emotions were suppressed or exploded. Where needs were unmet. Where love came with conditions or silence or shame. So we created ways to cope. We pleased. We performed. We perfected. We learned to read the room, to be what others needed so we didn’t get hurt or left or shamed.

And now, as adults, we bring those same strategies into our relationships. Into parenting. Into marriage. Into work. Into every corner of our lives. We keep trying to play the fantasy out. We think, “If I can just do it right this time, I’ll finally get what I needed all those years ago.”

But the truth is—you won’t. Because those unmet needs from childhood? They can’t be filled by your partner, your kids, your friends, or your coworkers. They have to be acknowledged, processed, and healed by you.

Let’s Talk About Parenting and Fantasy

One of the biggest fantasies I see is that children will fill the void. That they’ll make us feel needed. Loved. Whole. Important. Like we finally matter.

But here’s the reality: our children are not our emotional support systems. They’re not here to validate us or keep us company or take care of us when we’re older. That’s a heavy, unfair burden to put on a child.

They are their own sovereign beings, here to live their lives—not to make up for what we didn’t get growing up. And when we place that expectation on them, we create disconnection. We get disappointed. We feel abandoned all over again.

The truth is, they will leave. They should leave. That’s a sign of healthy development. And if that stirs up fear or sadness for you, it’s okay. That’s where the work is. That’s your healing calling.

Fantasy in Marriage and Relationships

Let’s get even more real. Maybe you’re in a marriage where you’ve been waiting. Waiting for your partner to wake up. To engage. To get into therapy. To want to grow. And every once in a while, they do just enough to keep the hope alive.

You tell yourself, “They’re just stressed.” “It’ll get better.” “They used to be so kind, so present.” And you hang onto that good memory like it’s a lifeline. But the reality is—they aren’t showing up that way now.

And I say this with love: reality is the only place healing can begin. If you keep clinging to what could be, you’ll stay stuck in what isn’t.

The Grief No One Talks About

Leaving the fantasy means grieving. And that’s why so many people avoid it.

You’re not just letting go of a person or a job or a dream. You’re letting go of the story you told yourself. The movie you wrote. The ending you were hoping for. And that hurts.

But when you grieve the fantasy, you make room for the truth. For clarity. For peace. For healing. You stop trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change, and you start choosing yourself.

What You Can Do Right Now

Start by telling the truth—to yourself.

Sit down with a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side, write down all the fantasies you’re holding onto. “If I just…” “Maybe someday…” “When they finally…” And on the other side, write the reality. The facts. The patterns. What’s actually happening.

This is not about shaming yourself. This is about getting clear. Because clarity gives you choices.

And from that place, you can start to breathe differently. Speak differently. Set boundaries. Choose differently.

You can get support—a therapist, a group, a trusted friend who’s doing this work too. You can read books like Homecoming by John Bradshaw. You can listen to podcasts that speak truth and compassion. You can join the Close the Chapter Facebook Group and surround yourself with people who won’t let you go back to sleep.

Healing Doesn’t Mean Perfection

This work isn’t linear. Some days you’ll feel strong and grounded. Other days you’ll want to crawl right back into the fantasy. That’s okay.

What matters is that you keep showing up. That you keep telling the truth. That you breathe through the fear. That you say to yourself, “I’m not going to abandon me anymore.”

You matter. You’re not too much. You’re not behind. You’re brave. You’re doing the work most people never even start.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.