Before You Say “I Do”: How to Build a Relationship That Actually Lasts
A guide for couples who want more than just a beautiful wedding day
What if the best time to do the deeper work in your relationship isn’t when things feel hard—but before the wedding, before the ring, maybe even before the words “I love you” are spoken?
The truth is, many of us carry unspoken baggage into our relationships—childhood wounds, unhealed experiences, and protective patterns we don’t even realize are there. And while they may stay hidden for a while, they almost always surface—often as tension, miscommunication, or emotional distance.
Starting the hard conversations early doesn’t mean something is wrong. It means you’re choosing to build something strong, honest, and lasting.
So instead of waiting until disconnection shows up, what if you created space now—to talk about what shaped you, what you need to feel safe, and how you want to grow together?
Let’s explore what you can do before you say “I do” to lay the foundation for a relationship built on emotional safety, curiosity, and truth.
1. Get Curious About the Story Behind the Story
Before marriage, it’s easy to focus on logistics—where to live, how many kids you want, what the wedding will look like.
But deeper questions matter more.
Ask each other:
- What was conflict like in your home growing up?
- How did your family express (or suppress) emotion?
- What messages did you receive about love, safety, anger, or affection?
You are not just marrying someone’s present—you’re entering their past too. And understanding that landscape helps you walk it with compassion, not confusion.
2. Consider Premarital Counseling… Even Early
Let me normalize this for you — therapy isn’t just for when things are falling apart. It’s for building something healthy and lasting—on purpose.
Some couples choose to go to premarital counseling just months into dating. Not because they’re in a rush, but because they want to get real—fast.
They want to:
- Talk about family of origin wounds
- Get honest about communication and sex
- Explore what marriage truly means to each of them
- Learn tools to navigate conflict in healthy, connected ways
If you’re afraid to bring it up, that’s okay. But maybe lean into that fear and ask what it’s trying to tell you. Growth requires courage—and love does too.
3. Learn How to Listen With Empathy, Not Defense
One of the most powerful skills couples can practice is mirroring—slowing down enough to reflect back what your partner said before responding.
It might sound like:
“What I’m hearing you say is that you felt dismissed when I didn’t respond to your message.”
That simple act helps your partner feel seen and heard, which creates safety—and safety is what allows intimacy to deepen.
Empathy isn’t fixing. It’s not agreeing. It’s being with. And that presence is often more healing than any solution.
4. Recognize That Everyone Brings Baggage
We all bring something into the relationship—family pain, past heartbreaks, defense mechanisms we developed to survive.
The goal isn’t to pretend those don’t exist. The goal is to name them, understand them, and take responsibility for how they show up now.
If you tend to shut down when emotions get big, explore why. If you notice yourself reacting with anger, get curious about what’s underneath that. (Often, it’s fear, shame, or sadness.)
Awareness isn’t self-criticism—it’s self-leadership.
5. Create Your Own Blueprint
Just because you grew up with yelling or silence doesn’t mean that has to be your norm.
You can choose something different.
Sit down and talk honestly about:
- How you want to handle conflict
- What rituals or rhythms help you reconnect
- What it looks like to repair after a rupture
- What kind of emotional environment you want to raise a family in (if you choose to)
You get to design your own emotional home.
6. Normalize Needing Space and Staying Connected
If you or your partner tend to pull away in conflict, that doesn’t mean you’re broken. It might mean you need time to self-regulate, breathe, and come back clear.
The key is communication.
Saying something like:
“I need some space to get grounded, but I’ll come back to talk in 30 minutes,” can be a game-changer.
Creating space when emotions run high allows each of you to self-regulate in your own way, so you can return with clarity and compassion—side by side, not against each other.
7. Do Your Own Work—Even If Your Partner Isn’t Ready Yet
The deepest relationships are created by people who are willing to look inward. Who are willing to say:
“I want to understand why I react this way.”
“I want to heal so I don’t repeat the same patterns.”
Even if your partner isn’t ready to go there yet, your work matters. And it creates ripple effects.
Read the books. Go to therapy. Listen to podcasts. Journal. Be willing to grow—and invite your partner into that journey gently, without shame or pressure.
Rooting Your Relationship in What Lasts
Doing the deeper work before marriage doesn’t mean you need to have all the answers. It means you’re choosing to walk in with awareness and intention.
You’re choosing honesty—even when it’s uncomfortable.
You’re willing to face the hard stuff, instead of avoiding it.
You’re open to growth, even when it challenges old patterns.
And you’re committed to love that feels safe, steady, and real—not driven by fear, performance, or control.
If you’re moving toward marriage—or simply growing deeper together—consider this your invitation to pause and lean in.
Get curious about each other. About the stories, patterns, and beliefs you both carry. And about the kind of relationship you truly want to create—together, on purpose.
When you build from that place—intentional, grounded, and emotionally safe—you’re not just preparing for a wedding. You’re creating the kind of connection that can grow, evolve, and thrive from the inside out.
- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained
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