Author: Ella Elbanbuena

When “Closeness” Costs You Your Self: Understanding and Healing from Enmeshment Trauma

When “Closeness” Costs You Your Self: Understanding and Healing from Enmeshment Trauma

You may not have called it trauma. In fact, you may have called it love.

Maybe you grew up in a family that seemed close. Really close. You talked every day. You knew everything about each other. You were the one everyone leaned on, the dependable one, the one who “just understood.” And maybe even now, you find yourself being the strong one, the fixer, the person others turn to when they’re falling apart.

But somewhere along the way, something started to feel off. You second-guess your needs. You feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions. You find it hard to say no without guilt. You lose yourself in relationships or avoid them altogether. And you’re not exactly sure when or how that started.

This might be the moment you realize what looked like closeness was actually enmeshment. And it’s been shaping how you show up in relationships, in decisions, in your sense of self.

If any of that lands for you, keep reading. We’re going to talk about what enmeshment actually is, how to recognize it, how it shows up in relationships, and most importantly how to begin healing.

What Is Enmeshment?

Enmeshment is a relational trauma that happens when the boundaries between parent and child are blurred. Instead of supporting the child’s individuality, a parent becomes emotionally over-reliant on them. The child’s role becomes one of emotional caretaker, problem-solver, companion, or even surrogate partner.

What makes enmeshment particularly hard to identify is that it can masquerade as closeness. From the outside, it looks like a tight-knit family. But what’s actually happening is a lack of emotional separation, a fusion of identities. And it often leaves the child with a persistent fear of setting boundaries, a deep sense of guilt when they do, and a struggle to connect to their own needs.

As a therapist trained in systems theory, I look at the full picture—family patterns, intergenerational dynamics, unspoken rules. And enmeshment often hides in plain sight.

The Three Types of Enmeshed Parenting

Enmeshment can take many forms, but it often falls into one or more of these patterns.

The Romanticized Parent

This parent leans on the child for emotional companionship, often without realizing it. They might share adult problems, rely on the child for comfort, or idealize them in a way that feels special but also suffocating. The child learns to prioritize the parent’s emotional needs, becoming the surrogate spouse instead of just being a kid.

The Helicopter Parent

Driven by anxiety, this parent micromanages the child’s every move including school, friendships, and choices. It can look like care, but it's rooted in fear. The child doesn't learn autonomy. They learn that love is conditional and that control equals safety.

The Incapacitated Parent

When a parent is struggling with chronic illness, addiction, or unhealed trauma, the child often steps into a caregiving role. This is known as parentification. The child becomes the emotional or physical caretaker and never gets to fully develop their own identity because they’re so focused on keeping the family functioning.

How Enmeshment Shapes Adult Relationships

These early patterns leave a lasting imprint. As adults, many people who experienced enmeshment struggle with codependency, difficulty identifying their own needs, or feeling consumed by guilt when they try to set boundaries.

Intimate relationships often feel overwhelming or confusing. You might attach quickly, feel anxious when a partner pulls away, or completely shut down when someone gets too close. You may find yourself over-giving, constantly seeking reassurance, or defaulting to caretaking roles because somewhere along the way, love got tangled up with responsibility and performance.

Some people become serially independent, avoiding closeness out of fear it will consume them. Others merge completely, taking on their partner’s preferences, needs, even identity. And some swing between both

What Healing Looks Like

Healing from enmeshment is a process of learning to reconnect with yourself. That might start with simple things like breathwork or journaling, where you begin to ask, “What do I feel? What do I want?” And it grows from there.

Therapy is often an essential part of the journey, especially with a trauma-informed therapist who understands family systems and relational wounds. Modalities like EMDR, brainspotting, or somatic experiencing can be incredibly helpful.

You’ll also learn to set boundaries without shame. You’ll learn to say no not as rejection, but as self-honoring. You’ll begin to recognize your own patterns and give yourself permission to do something different.

Books like Homecoming by John Bradshaw or It’s Not Always Depression by Hilary Jacobs Hendel are great resources. So is any practice that helps you slow down, notice your thoughts, and reconnect with your body.

And maybe most of all, you’ll start offering yourself the validation, compassion, and space that you spent your childhood giving to everyone else.

You Are Allowed to Be Your Own Person

If this stirred something in you—maybe a quiet knowing, maybe a heavy grief—I just want to say: you are not alone.

You are not wrong for needing space. You are not selfish for wanting boundaries. You are not broken for losing your voice. You are healing.

And it is okay to be new to this. It’s okay if some days feel strong and others don’t. It’s okay if it feels messy, slow, or layered. That’s exactly what healing looks like.

You get to take your time. You get to ask for support. You get to be someone who is learning to belong to themselves again.

That is not just healing. It's a reclamation. And it’s yours.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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5 Healing Myths That Can Keep You Stuck (And What’s Actually True)

5 Healing Myths That Can Keep You Stuck (And What’s Actually True)

You can be years into therapy. You can have shelves full of self-help books, a breathwork practice you actually stick to, and a therapist you trust. You can be the person your friends turn to for support, the one who’s done the training, learned the language, practiced the tools, and still feel stuck. 

What’s more likely is that you’re bumping up against a few deeply ingrained beliefs about what healing is supposed to look like. And when those expectations don’t match your lived experience, it’s easy to assume something must be wrong with you.

When we carry quiet myths about how healing should unfold, we can end up stuck in shame or self-doubt without even realizing it.

Here are five of the most common healing myths I have come across. Let’s walk through them together.

Myth 1: Once I process my trauma, it won’t come back up again.

This is just not true. It’s very possible the pain will return in another form or at a different stage of your life. 

That doesn’t mean you didn’t do the work. It just means healing comes in layers. When something reactivates, it’s often a gentle invitation to go a little deeper. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your body is wise and wants care.

Myth 2: If I heal enough, I won’t get triggered anymore.

Triggers are not signs that you’ve failed. They’re signs that you are human and that something inside you is asking for attention. You might notice a feeling in your body or a sudden emotional reaction. That’s your system responding to something it has learned might not be safe.

Myth 3: If I heal, other people will heal too.

Your healing can inspire and impact people around you, especially if you're a parent. The way you show up does shift relationships. But no matter how much inner work you do, others still have to choose their own healing. 

You can model change. You can break patterns. You can create emotional safety. But you cannot heal someone else’s pain for them. And that doesn’t make your healing any less valuable.

Myth 4: I don’t need to explore my past to move forward.

This one comes up a lot. It’s understandable to not want to revisit painful memories. But the past does shape how you respond in the present. If something from childhood was never acknowledged or processed, it often shows up again as emotional patterns, self-protection, or disconnection.

Looking at your past is not about blame. It’s about clarity. When you understand what shaped you, you begin to soften. You begin to choose something new. That’s what creates real change.

Myth 5: The answers are outside of me.

This is one of the biggest misconceptions I see. The truth is, the answers are already within you. They may be buried under shame or fear or past survival strategies, but they are there.

Healing is not about finding someone to fix you. It’s about returning to your own voice and learning how to trust it again.

If you're doing this work and it feels messy or slow, I want you to know that's normal. Healing is not a straight line. Sometimes you feel strong and clear, and the next day, something pulls you back into an old pattern.

That’s okay. You are not failing. You are healing.

Give yourself permission to keep going, especially on the hard days. You're doing the most important work of all. 

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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Learning to Be on Your Own Side: What Self-Compassion Really Means

Learning to Be on Your Own Side: What Self-Compassion Really Means

Most of us know how to show up for others when they’re hurting. We offer kind words. We soften our tone. We reassure. But when we’re the ones in pain—whether we’ve made a mistake, feel like we’re falling short, or are stuck in the fog of self-doubt—our inner dialogue often turns cold, critical, and sharp.

So here’s the question worth sitting with:
How do you treat yourself when you’re in pain?

Not once you've fixed it. Not when everything’s smoothed over. But right in the middle of the mess.

That’s what self-compassion is about.

The word compassion comes from the Latin meaning to suffer with. Self-compassion is how you respond to your own suffering. 

Do you meet it with warmth and care or judgment and distance? And more importantly, can you begin to shift the way you show up for yourself, especially when things aren’t going well?

 

It’s Not Just About Being Nice

Self-compassion isn’t just about saying nice things to ourselves. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, it has three parts:

  • Mindfulness – the ability to actually notice and name what’s happening, without getting overwhelmed or ignoring it. 
  • Common humanity – reminding ourselves that we’re not the only ones who struggle. Everyone feels like this sometimes. 
  • Kindness – talking to ourselves with warmth and understanding, instead of criticism. 

And one of the things that often surprises people is that self-compassion isn’t just soft. There’s a fierce side, too.

 

The Fierce and the Tender

Tender self-compassion is the soothing kind. It’s what we offer ourselves when we need to be held. Try placing a hand on your heart, taking a breath, saying “It’s okay, I’m here.”

But sometimes, what we need isn’t soothing—it’s action. That’s the fierce side.

Fierce self-compassion is setting a boundary. Saying no. Leaving the situation. Speaking the truth. Standing up for yourself with clarity and courage.

And we need both. Because sometimes healing means softening. And sometimes it means taking a stand.

So self-compassion might sound like, “You’re doing your best. Let’s take a break.” Or it might sound like, “This isn’t working. It’s time to make a change.”

Both are valid. Both are loving.

 

“But What If I Don’t Even Like Myself?”

This comes up all the time. I’ve had so many clients say, “I don’t even like myself, let alone love myself. How am I supposed to be compassionate?”

And the answer might surprise you as liking yourself isn’t actually required.

Self-compassion isn’t based on judgment. It’s not about whether you think you’re a good person or a bad one. It’s not even about whether you love yourself or not. It’s about offering kindness to yourself because you’re human. Just like you would to anyone else who’s hurting.

You don’t need to pass a test to be worthy of compassion. You were born worthy. 

 

So... How Do You Actually Start?

You start right where you are. Honestly, that’s the most compassionate place to begin.

If being kind to yourself feels unfamiliar or even impossible—try saying something simple and true, like:
  “It’s really hard to be kind to myself right now.”

That alone is an act of self-compassion. You’re acknowledging your experience without judgment. And that kind of honesty is far more powerful than forcing something you don’t believe.

Then gently remind yourself. You’re not the only one who feels this way.

  • “Other people feel this too.” 
  • “This is part of being human.” 

From there, ask yourself what might feel supportive in this moment. Maybe it’s a slow breath. A softer inner tone. A hand over your heart. The words don’t need to be profound—just real.

  • “I’m doing the best I can.” 
  • “I deserve some care too.” 
  • “It’s okay to feel this way.”

You don’t need to be fixed. You need to be cared for.
You don’t need to earn your own tenderness. You just need to let yourself have it.

You are allowed to struggle.
You are allowed to fall apart sometimes.
And you are still—always—worthy of compassion.

Right here. Right now. No perfection required. Just start where you are.

And if you forget? That’s okay, too.
That’s just another moment to begin again.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

This blog was inspired by Close the Chapter Podcast Episode 239 – Developing Fierce Self-Compassion with Dr. Kristin Neff.

🎧 Want to go deeper?
Watch or listen to the full conversation below.

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When Food Feels Safer Than Feelings: A Gentle Path Toward Healing Emotional Eating

When Food Feels Safer Than Feelings: A Gentle Path Toward Healing Emotional Eating

Have you ever opened the fridge—not because your body needed food, but because your heart felt heavy?

Maybe you were anxious. Lonely. Overwhelmed.
Maybe you just needed something to soften the edges of a moment that felt too sharp to bear.

It’s more than just food.
It's about survival.
It's about a nervous system that learned early on how to reach for comfort in a world that didn’t always feel safe.

Where Emotional Eating Begins

Most approaches to emotional eating focus on food: what to eat, when to eat and how much. But real healing doesn’t start with rules—it starts with understanding.

Many people who struggle with emotional eating were never taught how to feel their feelings safely. In childhood or adolescence, food may have been one of the only accessible ways to self-soothe. While other coping tools—like alcohol, cigarettes, or emotional support—weren’t available, food often was. A dollar for a candy bar could bring a moment of relief when no one else was there to hold your pain.

Food became comfort. Consistency. Protection. Not because you were lazy or lacked willpower—but because your body was doing what it had to do to survive.

This is why emotional eating is not a discipline problem. It’s a relationship issue—shaped by early experiences, trauma, and the ways your nervous system adapted in the face of stress.

What’s Really Beneath the Craving?

That craving for food—especially when you're not physically hungry—isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a message.

Your body is trying to say:
 “Something inside me needs care.”

Cravings aren’t random; they’re relational. They point to discomfort, unmet needs, or emotions that haven’t yet found a safe place to land.

Emotional eating is often a signal—not a problem to fix, but an invitation to listen.

When a craving hits, especially after emotional overwhelm, pause if you can. Take a breath. And gently ask yourself:

What just happened?
What am I feeling right now?
Where do I feel it in my body?

A tight chest. A lump in your throat. A pit in your stomach. These sensations aren’t “overreactions”—they are cues from your nervous system, speaking in the language it learned to survive.

Try to name what you’re feeling: “I feel sad.” “I feel scared.” “I feel forgotten.” Just naming it can begin to calm your system and bring you back into relationship with yourself.

The Role of Shame

One of the most painful parts of emotional eating isn’t the eating—it’s the shame that follows. We quickly move from “I’m hurting” to “I messed up.” The original pain gets buried beneath self-blame.

Shame doesn’t stop the cycle. It fuels it.

It keeps you locked in a loop of guilt and silence, pulling focus away from what actually needs care: your emotional world. Shame distracts you from the healing work of understanding, soothing, and reconnecting.

Trauma, Dysregulation, and the Body

If food has long been your go-to comfort, it may be because your nervous system has lived in a state of high alert for years. Especially for those who’ve experienced trauma—whether through abuse, neglect, grief, or chronic instability—the body often learns to stay braced, guarded, hyperaware.

Even everyday stress can feel overwhelming when your system is already holding so much.

You may notice tightness, anxiety, numbness, or brain fog. You may feel disconnected from your body altogether. This is called dysregulation—and it’s not a flaw. It’s a nervous system doing its best to protect you.

When you’re dysregulated, it becomes hard to access intuition around food or emotion. You might wonder, Am I actually hungry? Or just overwhelmed? But the signals feel mixed or muted.

That’s why true healing goes beyond changing behavior—it begins with creating a felt sense of safety within your nervous system, especially in the places that learned to stay on guard.

Learning to pause. To breathe. To notice. To gently come back into connection with your body, again and again, with compassion.

Healing doesn’t mean you’ll never emotionally eat again.

It means you’ll learn how to respond to yourself with care instead of criticism. And over time, that gentle care becomes the very thing that helps you feel safe enough to heal.

 

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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What If Your Thoughts Aren’t Even Yours? How Introjection Shapes Who You Think You Are

What If Your Thoughts Aren’t Even Yours? How Introjection Shapes Who You Think You Are 

“I don’t even know who I am.”

If you’ve ever thought that, whether in therapy, to a friend, or quietly in your own head, I want you to know something – it’s okay. In fact, it’s more common than you think. And, it’s a powerful place to begin.

Because so many of us walk around carrying beliefs, patterns, and behaviors that were not truly ours. They were passed down. Taught. Implied. Ingested, sometimes without a word being said. That’s called introjection, and it impacts everything from how you feel about yourself to how you function in relationships.

What Is Introjection? (And Why It Matters)

Introjection is a psychological process where we unconsciously absorb the beliefs, emotions, and personality traits of others—especially caregivers, authority figures, or people we needed love and approval from. It often happens in childhood, when we’re still forming our sense of self.

Let me break it down. If your parent believed “emotions are weak,” you likely internalized that message – whether it was said out loud or just shown through actions and tone. If your family prioritized peace over truth, you probably learned to silence your voice to avoid conflict.

We do this to stay safe. To stay connected. But over time, those absorbed beliefs can feel like our own—until we start questioning them.

Signs You’re Living from an Introjected Belief

  • You feel disconnected from your authentic self.
  • You’re afraid to express your emotions or needs.
  • You feel “bad” or “wrong” for disagreeing with people you love.
  • You struggle with people-pleasing or self-criticism.
  • You notice recurring patterns in your relationships (especially unhealthy ones). 

These signs aren’t proof that something’s wrong with you. They’re clues that you might be living from someone else’s values, not your own.

Introjection vs. Projection: What’s the Difference?

While projection is when we place our own feelings onto others (e.g., assuming someone is judging us when really, we’re judging ourselves), introjection is the opposite. It’s when we take on the feelings or beliefs of others and internalize them without conscious thought.

It often happens between children and parents, but it can also happen with teachers, coaches, spiritual leaders or anyone we looked to for guidance or safety.

How Introjections Affect Your Adult Relationships

Let’s say you grew up in a family that didn’t show affection. You learned that emotional expression = weakness. Fast forward to adulthood, and now you're in a relationship where your partner is craving emotional intimacy but you shut down or pull away.

That isn’t just a “you problem.” That’s an introjection showing up. And if you don’t examine where it came from, you may continue to repeat the same painful patterns.

This is something I see all the time in couples therapy—one partner with anxious attachment, the other with avoidant attachment, both reenacting the dynamics they learned from childhood.

The good news? You can unlearn it.

How to Identify Your Own Introjected Beliefs

Here’s where the self-awareness work begins. Grab a notebook or journal and explore these questions:

  1. What belief just got triggered?
  2. Where do I think this belief came from?
  3. Does this feel like something I truly believe—or something I was taught to believe?
  4. How does this belief show up in my body (tension, anxiety, etc.)?
  5. Is it serving me now? Do I want to keep it?
  6. If not, how do I want to rewrite it?

This is the heart of inner child work and reparenting—learning to examine what you’ve absorbed, and giving yourself permission to rewrite the narrative.

Introjection and Generational Trauma

A lot of the beliefs we carry didn’t start with us. They were passed down—generational trauma that we absorbed without even realizing it. Maybe your parent was emotionally unavailable because their parent was too. And so on.

Doing this work is about breaking those cycles.

You might be afraid to question what you were taught. You might worry, “Will my family still love me if I change?” That fear is valid. But as an adult, you have the power to decide what you want to believe. You don’t have to carry everything you were handed.

What Happens When You Start to Grow?

It’s normal to feel grief. Confusion. Even loneliness. Because when you grow, the system around you feels it. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It means you’re evolving.

You may have chosen a partner who matched your old belief system. And now that you’re waking up and doing the deeper work, you want something more—connection, truth and emotional safety.

That’s growth. And it’s okay to invite your partner (or family) into that journey. Share this blog with them. Start the conversation.

But know this: you don’t need anyone’s permission to heal.

Reclaiming Your Authentic Self

At the end of the day, this is about rediscovering you.

The you that isn’t performing, pleasing, or protecting.

The you that gets to feel, question, speak up, and choose.

So next time you're triggered, pause. Get curious. Ask yourself: Is this belief truly mine? Or was it someone else’s I never got to question?

That’s how we break the cycle. That’s how we reclaim our freedom.
And, that’s how we finally come home to ourselves.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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Before You Say “I Do”: How to Build a Relationship That Actually Lasts

Before You Say “I Do”: How to Build a Relationship That Actually Lasts

A guide for couples who want more than just a beautiful wedding day

 

What if the best time to do the deeper work in your relationship isn’t when things feel hard—but before the wedding, before the ring, maybe even before the words “I love you” are spoken?

The truth is, many of us carry unspoken baggage into our relationships—childhood wounds, unhealed experiences, and protective patterns we don’t even realize are there. And while they may stay hidden for a while, they almost always surface—often as tension, miscommunication, or emotional distance.

Starting the hard conversations early doesn’t mean something is wrong. It means you’re choosing to build something strong, honest, and lasting.

So instead of waiting until disconnection shows up, what if you created space now—to talk about what shaped you, what you need to feel safe, and how you want to grow together?

Let’s explore what you can do before you say “I do” to lay the foundation for a relationship built on emotional safety, curiosity, and truth.

1. Get Curious About the Story Behind the Story

Before marriage, it’s easy to focus on logistics—where to live, how many kids you want, what the wedding will look like.

But deeper questions matter more.

Ask each other:

  • What was conflict like in your home growing up?
  • How did your family express (or suppress) emotion?
  • What messages did you receive about love, safety, anger, or affection?

You are not just marrying someone’s present—you’re entering their past too. And understanding that landscape helps you walk it with compassion, not confusion.

2. Consider Premarital Counseling… Even Early

Let me normalize this for you — therapy isn’t just for when things are falling apart. It’s for building something healthy and lasting—on purpose.

Some couples choose to go to premarital counseling just months into dating. Not because they’re in a rush, but because they want to get real—fast.

They want to:

  • Talk about family of origin wounds
  • Get honest about communication and sex
  • Explore what marriage truly means to each of them
  • Learn tools to navigate conflict in healthy, connected ways

If you’re afraid to bring it up, that’s okay. But maybe lean into that fear and ask what it’s trying to tell you. Growth requires courage—and love does too.

3. Learn How to Listen With Empathy, Not Defense

One of the most powerful skills couples can practice is mirroring—slowing down enough to reflect back what your partner said before responding.

It might sound like:
 “What I’m hearing you say is that you felt dismissed when I didn’t respond to your message.”

That simple act helps your partner feel seen and heard, which creates safety—and safety is what allows intimacy to deepen.

Empathy isn’t fixing. It’s not agreeing. It’s being with. And that presence is often more healing than any solution.

4. Recognize That Everyone Brings Baggage

We all bring something into the relationship—family pain, past heartbreaks, defense mechanisms we developed to survive.

The goal isn’t to pretend those don’t exist. The goal is to name them, understand them, and take responsibility for how they show up now.

If you tend to shut down when emotions get big, explore why. If you notice yourself reacting with anger, get curious about what’s underneath that. (Often, it’s fear, shame, or sadness.)

Awareness isn’t self-criticism—it’s self-leadership.

5. Create Your Own Blueprint

Just because you grew up with yelling or silence doesn’t mean that has to be your norm.

You can choose something different.

Sit down and talk honestly about:

  • How you want to handle conflict
  • What rituals or rhythms help you reconnect
  • What it looks like to repair after a rupture
  • What kind of emotional environment you want to raise a family in (if you choose to)

You get to design your own emotional home.

6. Normalize Needing Space and Staying Connected

If you or your partner tend to pull away in conflict, that doesn’t mean you’re broken. It might mean you need time to self-regulate, breathe, and come back clear.

The key is communication.

Saying something like:
 “I need some space to get grounded, but I’ll come back to talk in 30 minutes,” can be a game-changer.

Creating space when emotions run high allows each of you to self-regulate in your own way, so you can return with clarity and compassion—side by side, not against each other.

7. Do Your Own Work—Even If Your Partner Isn’t Ready Yet

The deepest relationships are created by people who are willing to look inward. Who are willing to say:
 “I want to understand why I react this way.”
 “I want to heal so I don’t repeat the same patterns.”

Even if your partner isn’t ready to go there yet, your work matters. And it creates ripple effects.

Read the books. Go to therapy. Listen to podcasts. Journal. Be willing to grow—and invite your partner into that journey gently, without shame or pressure.

Rooting Your Relationship in What Lasts

Doing the deeper work before marriage doesn’t mean you need to have all the answers. It means you’re choosing to walk in with awareness and intention.

You’re choosing honesty—even when it’s uncomfortable.


You’re willing to face the hard stuff, instead of avoiding it.


You’re open to growth, even when it challenges old patterns.


And you’re committed to love that feels safe, steady, and real—not driven by fear, performance, or control.

If you’re moving toward marriage—or simply growing deeper together—consider this your invitation to pause and lean in.

Get curious about each other. About the stories, patterns, and beliefs you both carry. And about the kind of relationship you truly want to create—together, on purpose.

When you build from that place—intentional, grounded, and emotionally safe—you’re not just preparing for a wedding. You’re creating the kind of connection that can grow, evolve, and thrive from the inside out.

 

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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A Big Factor Keeping You Stuck: Are You Living in Fantasy or Reality?

A Big Factor Keeping You Stuck:

Are You Living in Fantasy or Reality?

Have you ever wondered, why do I still feel stuck even though I’m doing the work?

Do you feel like you’ve been patient, loving, understanding—maybe even bending over backwards—but nothing is actually changing?

Are you holding onto the hope that someone will finally “get it,” or that things will magically shift… if you just say the right thing, or wait a little longer?

There’s a big, often invisible factor that keeps people stuck in their relationships, in their healing, and in their growth. It’s this: you’re living in a fantasy instead of reality.

And let me be honest—this shows up with almost every single client I see. So if it’s showing up for you, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken. But it is something we need to look at, because you can’t heal what you won’t name.

The Quiet Movie You’re Playing in Your Mind

A lot of us don’t realize it, but we’re living out a movie in our heads. We’re holding onto a vision of who someone could be or used to be, and not paying attention to who they are right now.

You're hoping they’ll change if you just say it the right way. If you present it gently enough. If you stay quiet long enough. You’re hoping that somehow they’ll finally see what you’ve been saying all along. But they don’t. And that hope keeps you stuck.

What we’re doing is dropping hints. And let me tell you—people don’t respond to hints. They respond to clear, direct, and courageous communication. But you might be afraid. Afraid of hurting someone. Afraid of being rejected. Afraid of the fallout. So instead, you stay in the movie. And that movie? That fantasy? It becomes a trap.

Why It’s So Hard to Let Go

Let’s get underneath it. Many of us grew up in homes where emotions were suppressed or exploded. Where needs were unmet. Where love came with conditions or silence or shame. So we created ways to cope. We pleased. We performed. We perfected. We learned to read the room, to be what others needed so we didn’t get hurt or left or shamed.

And now, as adults, we bring those same strategies into our relationships. Into parenting. Into marriage. Into work. Into every corner of our lives. We keep trying to play the fantasy out. We think, “If I can just do it right this time, I’ll finally get what I needed all those years ago.”

But the truth is—you won’t. Because those unmet needs from childhood? They can’t be filled by your partner, your kids, your friends, or your coworkers. They have to be acknowledged, processed, and healed by you.

Let’s Talk About Parenting and Fantasy

One of the biggest fantasies I see is that children will fill the void. That they’ll make us feel needed. Loved. Whole. Important. Like we finally matter.

But here’s the reality: our children are not our emotional support systems. They’re not here to validate us or keep us company or take care of us when we’re older. That’s a heavy, unfair burden to put on a child.

They are their own sovereign beings, here to live their lives—not to make up for what we didn’t get growing up. And when we place that expectation on them, we create disconnection. We get disappointed. We feel abandoned all over again.

The truth is, they will leave. They should leave. That’s a sign of healthy development. And if that stirs up fear or sadness for you, it’s okay. That’s where the work is. That’s your healing calling.

Fantasy in Marriage and Relationships

Let’s get even more real. Maybe you’re in a marriage where you’ve been waiting. Waiting for your partner to wake up. To engage. To get into therapy. To want to grow. And every once in a while, they do just enough to keep the hope alive.

You tell yourself, “They’re just stressed.” “It’ll get better.” “They used to be so kind, so present.” And you hang onto that good memory like it’s a lifeline. But the reality is—they aren’t showing up that way now.

And I say this with love: reality is the only place healing can begin. If you keep clinging to what could be, you’ll stay stuck in what isn’t.

The Grief No One Talks About

Leaving the fantasy means grieving. And that’s why so many people avoid it.

You’re not just letting go of a person or a job or a dream. You’re letting go of the story you told yourself. The movie you wrote. The ending you were hoping for. And that hurts.

But when you grieve the fantasy, you make room for the truth. For clarity. For peace. For healing. You stop trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change, and you start choosing yourself.

What You Can Do Right Now

Start by telling the truth—to yourself.

Sit down with a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side, write down all the fantasies you’re holding onto. “If I just…” “Maybe someday…” “When they finally…” And on the other side, write the reality. The facts. The patterns. What’s actually happening.

This is not about shaming yourself. This is about getting clear. Because clarity gives you choices.

And from that place, you can start to breathe differently. Speak differently. Set boundaries. Choose differently.

You can get support—a therapist, a group, a trusted friend who’s doing this work too. You can read books like Homecoming by John Bradshaw. You can listen to podcasts that speak truth and compassion. You can join the Close the Chapter Facebook Group and surround yourself with people who won’t let you go back to sleep.

Healing Doesn’t Mean Perfection

This work isn’t linear. Some days you’ll feel strong and grounded. Other days you’ll want to crawl right back into the fantasy. That’s okay.

What matters is that you keep showing up. That you keep telling the truth. That you breathe through the fear. That you say to yourself, “I’m not going to abandon me anymore.”

You matter. You’re not too much. You’re not behind. You’re brave. You’re doing the work most people never even start.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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The Truth About Anxiety: It’s Not What You Think It Is

The Truth About Anxiety: It’s Not What You Think It Is

We all have anxiety. Every single one of us. It lives on a continuum.

Anxiety is your body’s natural response to stress. It’s a feeling of fear or apprehension about what’s to come. And we’ve all felt it — think about the first day of school, a big job interview, giving a speech. All of those moments can bring anxiety.

But what we’re not talking about — and what I really want to highlight here — is that underneath anxiety is fear.

Fear of the future. Fear of something going wrong. Fear of failing. Fear of being rejected. Fear of looking stupid. Fear of not being good enough.

And that fear — that’s what gets buried and left unprocessed.

Unprocessed Fear + Grief = Anxiety

I see this with clients all the time. They’ll come in and say, “I don’t know why I’m anxious. I’m just worried all the time. I’m afraid something bad is going to happen. I’m afraid I’ll be alone.”

And I’ll ask, “Can we float back for a second? Tell me about a time you were afraid to lose someone. The first time you lost someone, maybe a pet, a grandparent, a parent?”

Because here’s the truth: a lot of what we’re calling anxiety today… is actually unprocessed fear and grief from childhood.

And I want to be really clear — this isn’t about blaming childhood or our parents. It’s about understanding why we feel the way we do.

Did You Learn to Trust Your Own Feelings?

Let me ask you a few questions:

  • Do you trust yourself?
  • Do you constantly look outside of yourself for answers?
  • Do you wish you didn’t care what people think?
  • Were you told things like “be quiet,” “stop crying,” “keep it to yourself,” “don’t talk about that,” or “just shake it off”?

Because if so, you might be walking around with unprocessed grief and fear that never got witnessed

And when something isn’t witnessed, it doesn’t get processed.

Anxiety = A Body Full of Unexpressed Emotions

Anxiety is your body saying, “Please pay attention.

It’s saying, “There’s something you never got to feel.”

I’ve had panic attacks. I know what it feels like when your heart’s racing, your chest is tight, you feel like you can’t breathe — like something terrible is about to happen.

That kind of anxiety is trauma-related. It’s linked to unprocessed childhood wounds — those moments when we were abandoned, ignored, or told our emotions were too much.

Let’s Talk About Generational Emotional Neglect

Our parents didn’t know how to tend to their own emotions, let alone ours. It’s not their fault. But we have to acknowledge the impact. Because if we don’t, we’ll end up passing it all down.

And I promise you — anxiety and shame are two of the most contagious things we can pass on to our kids.

If we’re not doing our own work, we’ll ask them to perform so we feel okay. We’ll expect them to be popular, to succeed, to be the star — because our inner child is still craving validation.

You’re Not Broken — You’re Holding Unfelt Emotions

I want to say this clearly: you are not broken. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not weak. You’re not “too sensitive.” You’re not overreacting.

What’s actually happening is that you’re carrying emotional experiences — fear, grief, sadness, maybe even anger — that never got to be processed. You didn’t have a safe space for those emotions to be seen, heard, or validated. And so they got stored in your body.

That anxiety you feel now? That’s your body saying

“Please pay attention. Something inside still needs your care.”

And when you begin to tend to those parts of yourself — when you stop pushing through, when you give yourself permission to feel, when you start getting curious instead of critical — that’s when things start to shift.

It doesn’t happen all at once. This isn’t about quick fixes.
It’s about building emotional awareness. It’s about learning how to sit with what’s real, and responding with compassion instead of shame.

This work isn’t easy. But it’s deeply transformative.

When you do it, not only do you start to feel more grounded and connected to yourself — you also stop passing on what was passed down to you.

That’s the power of doing this work. 

Not with fixing it, not with pushing it down — but with listening to it.

It’s trying to lead you somewhere deeper. And you’re allowed to go there.

You deserve that kind of care. You really do.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

Dive a little deeper into this topic below

Deconstructing Disappointment: Healing the Shame, Reclaiming Your Worth

Deconstructing Disappointment: Healing the Shame, Reclaiming Your Worth

Have you ever felt like a disappointment to someone you deeply care about?

Maybe you’ve asked yourself, “Why does this hurt so much?”
 Or maybe the voice inside says, “I let them down. I let myself down.”

If this is you, take a deep breath. You are not alone—and more importantly, you are not a disappointment.

There’s a profound difference between feeling disappointed and believing that you are a disappointment. One speaks to a fleeting emotional state. The other cuts deeper—it questions your worth.

You Are Not a Disappointment

Let’s begin with truth:

You matter. You’re important. You’re enough. You’re loved.


 If you’ve never heard those words from someone close to you—hear them now, and let them land.

Disappointment is part of the human experience. But when it shifts from “I feel disappointed” to “I am a disappointment,” that’s when shame takes root.

What Is Disappointment, Really?

Disappointment is often misunderstood. On the surface, it might show up as frustration, anger, or even numbness. But when we go deeper, we discover that disappointment is, at its core, a form of sadness.

“Disappointment is sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations.”

It stems from wanting something deeply—an outcome, a relationship, validation, belonging—and not receiving it.

Whether you were passed over for a job, didn’t get into the school you dreamed of, or felt unseen in a relationship… your disappointment matters. And so does your pain.

Disappointment Begins with Expectations

Here’s a powerful truth from author Anne Lamott:

“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.”

Disappointment is often born out of unspoken, unexamined, or unrealistic expectations. We expect someone to understand, to show up, to do something we haven’t clearly communicated—or sometimes, to meet needs they were never meant to fulfill.

And when they don’t? It hurts. Not just in the mind, but in the body and spirit.

Reflect for a moment:

  • What are some moments in your life where you felt deeply disappointed?
  • Were those expectations spoken or silent? Realistic or inherited?

Childhood Roots of Shame and Disappointment

If you’ve ever felt like “I’m a disappointment”—pause and consider: where did that belief begin?

So often, it starts in childhood.

Maybe you didn’t get the grades your parents hoped for. Maybe you didn’t pursue the career they wanted, or didn’t live up to their ideal. Maybe you were simply yourself, and that self wasn’t met with acceptance.

Many of us were talked out of our feelings of disappointment with phrases like:

  • “It’s not that big of a deal.”
  • “You should be grateful.”
  • “At least you got something.”

Though well-meaning, these responses created internal confusion and shame. They taught us that sadness was unsafe, that disappointment made us weak, and that our emotions were wrong.

The Dangerous Shift: From “I Feel” to “I Am”

When you internalize disappointment from others, it’s easy to begin believing:

  • “I am not enough.”
  • “I always let people down.”
  • “I’m too much.”

This isn’t just about pain—it’s about identity. And this toxic shame can shape our behaviors, relationships, and inner voice for years.

But here’s the truth:

You are not a disappointment. You’ve experienced disappointment—and that’s different.

You are worthy of compassion, especially from yourself.

Reframing Disappointment in Relationships

Disappointment often shows up in romantic partnerships, disguised as frustration, control, or fear. Without realizing it, we recreate old dynamics—we try not to let our partner down the way we feel we let our parents down.

This can lead to unhealthy parent-child dynamics in adult relationships:

  • The “child” avoids upsetting the “parent.”
  • The “parent” becomes the judge or fixer.
  • Intimacy suffers. Authentic connection fades.

What if we replaced “I’m disappointed in you” with “I feel sad and afraid this pattern won’t change”?

This reframe invites honesty, vulnerability, and mutual growth—not shame.

The Neuroscience of Disappointment

When we experience disappointment, our nervous system responds. Neurochemicals like dopamine and serotonin drop, causing physical and emotional distress. You may feel:

  • Disconnected
  • Frozen
  • Anxious
  • Numb
  • Reactive

That’s your nervous system trying to protect you. But you can return to safety.

Try this:

  1. Feel your feet on the floor.
  2. Inhale slowly through your nose.
  3. Exhale fully through your mouth.

Grounding helps regulate your body so you can process emotion instead of shutting it down.

Owning and Healing Your Disappointment

Healing begins with ownership. Ask yourself:

  • Are my expectations clear?
  • Are they realistic?
  • Are they rooted in old wounds or present needs?
  • Am I putting responsibility on others to validate my worth?

Sometimes, our disappointment reveals a deeper need for healing, especially around feeling seen, heard, and understood. That’s an invitation to reparent yourself—with gentleness, compassion, and support.

You don’t have to get over your disappointment—you can move through it.

Journaling, therapy, support groups, and self-reflection can help you name your emotions and release shame.

You Will Heal

Disappointment hurts. It carries sadness, grief, and sometimes betrayal. But you can learn to carry it with compassion. You can release the shame.

You can say:

  • “I’m feeling sad about this.”
  • “This hurts, and that’s okay.”
  • “I don’t have to be perfect to be loved.”

And then breathe.

You will heal from this.
 You are enough—always have been.
 You matter. Your story matters.
 You are loved.

You're not just surviving disappointment—you’re learning how to transform it.

And you’re doing it beautifully.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

Dive a little deeper into this topic below

Top 10 Most Downloaded Close the Chapter Podcast Episodes in 2024

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Top 10 Most Downloaded Close the Chapter Podcast Episodes in 2024

I just want to take a minute to say thank you—seriously, thank you so much—for being a part of the Close the Chapter Podcast journey. Whether you’ve been here since day one (April 22, 2019!) or just started tuning in, I’m so grateful for you. Your support means the world to me.

My goal with this podcast has always been to give you something real, something that can actually help you in your own journey. I want to offer you practical tools and conversations that make a difference in your life. Healing isn’t easy, but I truly believe that with the right support and perspective, it’s totally possible. You are doing amazing work, even on the hard days, and I’m so proud of you.

As we step into 2024, I’d love to hear from you. I have a few questions that could help me make the podcast even better for you:

Which episode really resonated with you, and why?

How has the podcast made you feel supported or understood on your mental health journey?

What would you love to hear more of in upcoming episodes?

I know that prioritizing yourself can be tough, and there’s no “one size fits all” approach. But I want you to know that I see you, I’m cheering for you, and I’m here to support you however I can.

Thanks again for subscribing, leaving reviews, sharing episodes, and telling your friends. Your support makes a bigger difference than you know.

I’m wishing you an amazing year ahead, filled with calm, growth, and self-compassion. You’ve got this. 💛

Be sure to check out the 10 most downloaded episodes in 2024 below!

#1-Episode 251-Helping High Conflict Couples with Jennine Estes, LMFT and Jackie Wielick, LMFT

#2-Episode 239 -Developing Fierce Self-Compassion with Dr. Kristin Neff

#3-Episode 256-Communication Skills that will Change your Life

#4-Episode 247-Ways to Improve Your Mental & Emotional Health

#5-Episode 246 -Key Questions to Ask Yourself to Begin the New Year

#6-Episode 252-Sober Curiosity with Amanda Kuda

#7-Episode 253-5 Myths About the Healing Journey

#8-Episode 248-Important Ways to Help Your Mental Wellbeing this Year

#9-Episode 249-Speaking with Heart with Dr. Heather Browne

#10-Episode 254-Healing From a Break Up with Denna Babul

With so much love and gratitude,
Kristen

 

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.