Author: Kristen

02.10.20

The Power of Family Patterns

The Power of Family Patterns

Family patterns, both healthy and unhealthy, have a legacy and power for future generations. We are grateful for healthy patterns. Unhealthy patterns tend to be more difficult to confront. And, these can teach us the most when we are open to exploring them.

How often do we stop and examine what we might be passing down to our children or those around us? Often, we are just doing what we know. We may tell ourselves we will never be like our parents or others in our lives and think we create a different pattern. We soon discover we have just recreated the patterns that are normal or comfortable for us.

It’s important to explore why we think, feel and act the way we do. Sometimes we are on auto-pilot and not awake to our daily actions and how they show up.

Taking time to explore your unhealthy patterns will help stop the multi-generational transmission of issues. It’s a gift you give to yourself and the people you care about. It is not about getting stuck or blaming our past. It’s about creating insight, becoming aware of what we want to do differently and then taking action to change it.

Below are a few key areas to begin your journey of making a lasting change.

Explore the role of guilt and shame. Do you struggle with guilt or feeling bad? Do you use guilt to “get” your children to do what you want them to do? Was guilt or shame used in your family system as a form of control or manipulation? Write out how you use shame and guilt with others and yourself. Let go of the “should’s” and start accepting yourself for who you are. We are human beings that are imperfect. The key is to grow and learn from our choices so we be more joyful, happy and at peace.
Look at boundaries. What were the boundaries in your family growing up? Were they rigid or did you not have any rules? We teach other people how to treat us. Did you learn to set healthy boundaries with others? Do you set them with your children? Write out what your boundaries are and start communicating what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship.
Understand your feelings. Were you able to express your feelings or did you have to hold them in? Are you uncomfortable when others express how they feel? Some people neglect their own feelings and needs by taking care of others, even when others aren’t asking for it. This may lead to feeling resentment and neglected. You are not responsible for fixing or changing your whole family. We can’t change or control others. You are responsible for you, your choices and making changes

This is some of the most powerful and transformative work you can do. Be patient with yourself. It takes courage and a willingness to be accountable. It takes one person to change the pattern. So, start with you!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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02.10.20

The Blame Game

The blame game

Do you blame someone else for your feelings, issues or how your life has turned out? How does it play out in your relationships, marriage or in the work environment? The blame game can have a powerful impact on your life. It can keep you stuck.

Blame keeps us focused on the other person so we don’t have to work on ourselves. It’s really a deflection to dealing with our own issues. When we blame, we place responsibility for our negative feelings and upsets onto another person or situation. Focusing on blame misses the opportunity to resolve the conflict.

How can we work on ourselves when we are focused on what someone else is doing, saying and what they have done to us? This can lead us to feel like a victim as opposed to feeling empowered.

Once we make a decision to stop the blame game and to take ownership of our own feelings and actions, then we can focus on living out the life we want. By focusing on ourselves, we begin to feel stronger and have the courage to face our feelings and pain. Below are some initial steps to begin the process of shifting from blame to taking responsibility for our emotions.

Explore your blaming patterns. Who do you blame? Why do you blame them? How often are you blaming others like your spouse, friend, co-worker, neighbor, parent, boss, etc.? Do you notice a pattern? Do you have a pattern of wanting to be right?
Learn to recognize your own feelings. Do you know what you are feeling? Do you take time to dig deep and really figure out what is bothering you and why? Begin to pay attention and notice what you are feeling.
Focus on solutions. Look at how you can resolve the conflict or work through it in order to begin the forgiveness process.

Ultimately, blame and not forgiving doesn’t hurt the other person, it hurts you. It’s time to look within and step into an empowering state of being. It’s about becoming a better you.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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02.03.20

Uncovering Pain Opens the Door to Authenticity

Uncovering pain opens the door to authenticity

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you like what you see on the inside and out? Do you feel stuck? Do you carry around pain, hurt or trauma that you have buried for years that affect how you see yourself? Do you look to others to feel better about yourself?

Not many people can say they truly love themselves. They spend so much of their energy keeping their feelings under lock and key because they are afraid others will not like them or think less of them if they show who they really are.

Often the pain of carrying around the hurt or dislike for ourselves manifests physically. Our bodies absorb the emotions since they have been stuffed for so long. Some people cover the hurt with layers such as eating, drinking, shopping, smoking, or whatever else you have used to keep the feelings at bay.

Once you stop the cycle of covering your feelings, you can begin to really know who you are. Feelings truly are our guides in life and teach us about whom we are. Authenticity comes when you give up trying to live your life so others will like you and start being who you are in all situations. You start by letting go of the thought that our worth is tied to what others think and get centered in knowing your boundaries, triggers, passion and, most importantly, your purpose.

When you do not seek or need other people’s approval, you are at your most powerful. We give away our power when we worry about what someone might think of us. Compromising who you are and covering up how you feel to gain the approval of another is an example of giving away part of your spirit.

Here are some helpful tips to move through pain and live your life with authenticity and meaning:

Check in with how you feel and what you are thinking. Then try saying what you feel and think more often even if you think someone else isn’t going to like it. It might be something they need to know or hear.

Look at what you use to manage your feelings. Do you have healthy or unhealthy coping strategies?
Explore your passions and discover your purpose. What gets you excited? What do you feel passionate about? Your passion often leads to your purpose.

The more you look within and discover your worth and value, the more you will be comfortable in your own skin and being your authentic self.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT,EMDR, Trained

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01.27.20

What Are Your Shields?

What are your shields?

Are you afraid of being hurt? Are you uncomfortable with uncertainty? Are you afraid to feel your feelings? It’s a universal need to feel safe and secure emotionally and physically. Most of us are looking for certainty. We want to know for sure it’s all going to work out. When we don’t feel like we are emotionally safe or certain about the outcome, we become afraid and want to protect ourselves by closing off emotionally – using shields or defense mechanisms. Unfortunately, they really don’t protect us. They tend to create feelings of disconnection, separation, loneliness, anxiety and depression.

The five most common shields are listed. Look within to examine how often you use these in your daily life and whether or not you are ready to change your patterns.

Anger. This one is an easy one to fall back on. It’s a cover up for something deeper such as fear, hurt and/or pain. For many, it’s easier to get angry than to figure out why you are triggered and calm yourself down before reacting.

Blame. We often want to blame others for how we feel. We don’t want to deal with our painful or hurt feelings so we discharge them onto other people. When we focus on the other person, it keeps us stuck and prevents us from moving forward and healing.

Criticism or judgment. When we are in judgment of another person, it’s because we are struggling with that same issue within ourselves. When we are critical or judgmental of another, it’s time to look within and figure out what is driving this behavior.

Shutting down. We will freeze or just turn it off. We won’t communicate or talk about a situation, which tends to make it only get worse.

Withdrawal. We might go into flight, runaway or numb out from a situation or conflict. The situation doesn’t go away. We must face it and move through it in order to get to the other side.

The first step to any change is awareness. We then need to make a choice to create a new pattern. Notice when you use these patterns and take a deep breath before you use your default ways to cope. Often, these defense mechanisms are learned responses from our past experiences. The good news is you can change these and learn to set healthy boundaries and communicate more effectively. It’s never too late to start feeling better and creating more connected relationships.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT,EMDR, Trained

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01.20.20

Five Steps to Overcoming Insecurities

Five steps to overcoming insecurities

There is one thing most of us have in common – insecurities. What do you feel insecure about? Do you feel insecure about some part of your body or face? Do you sometimes feel not smart enough?

You may be well aware of what you don’t like about yourself. If not, you can peel back the onion, look within yourself and you will soon figure it out. It doesn’t matter what it is, we can all come together and share something we feel insecure about because we are human.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could wave a magic wand and have them all disappear? Well, we may not be able to make our insecurities disappear overnight, but we can work on feeling better about ourselves by changing our thoughts.

There are five steps to working through insecurities and feeling better about you.

Recognize your insecurities. What do you feel insecure about? What are the conversations or tapes in your head that play around them? Pay attention to what you are telling yourself. Don’t pass judgments on the messages. Don’t beat yourself up for what you are thinking. Don’t act on the message. Just observe and be mindful.
Write down the messages and identify when they started. What is your first memory of feeling insecure? What happened? How did it change the way you see yourself?
Think about a dear friend. Then imagine these statements being told to your friend. What might you say to your friend to counter these damaging messages?
Say what you have said to your friend to yourself. In other words, treat yourself as kindly as you would a friend. Everyone matters, including you.
If you continue to believe these old tapes or thoughts, consider taking the messages to a trusted friend. Ask your friend to help you find the lies and exaggerations in your tapes. Work together to create statements that are accurate and truthful. Believe your trusted friend and make it a point to actively tell yourself the truth. When the thoughts come up, you can be aware and ask yourself whether they are rational or irrational.

Underneath insecurities are fears such as not being liked, being made fun of or not being good enough. The fears lead to feeling vulnerable and you may try everything we can not to feel vulnerable. In order to heal, we need to be vulnerable with healthy people.

Working through your insecurities can lead to loving yourself and being happier with who you are.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT,EMDR, Trained

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01.06.20

What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

Does fear prevent you from doing what you really want to do with your life? Does fear keep you stuck? Are you afraid to fail or speak your truth? If you weren’t afraid, what would you do differently?

A state of fear creates anxiety and that anxiety can run our lives. We are looking for security and certainty and ways to manage our anxiety. We want things to feel safe, secure and somewhat predictable. Many want to know what is coming next and really don’t like change because they are afraid of it. So we live our lives trying to create certainty and play it safe. One day you wake up and realize that you feel stuck and are ready to not let fear dominate your thinking and decisions.

It is absolutely possible to conquer a fear. It starts with a desire to face it.

Below are a few initial steps to begin the process of moving through fears to get to the other side.

Sit down and write about what you would do or change if you had no fear. What is your vision? What would be different? What do you want to change? Can you imagine living your life without constant fear? Are you willing to let it go?
Identify your blocking beliefs and when and where the fear began. Where did these beliefs come from? Are they old? Do they hold you back? When did the fear begin? How old were you? These are key questions to begin unpacking the fear and not letting it take over and control you. Fears often come from past experiences. It’s important to reflect on them and how they have played a role in your life. We can make a conscious choice to not let them control our way of life.
Build a strong support network. Surround yourself with people that encourage you and help you step outside of your comfort zone to grow and evolve. Ask for help if you need it in order to not let it control your thoughts and beliefs.
Be willing to be uncomfortable. Sometimes we have to move through the discomfort in order to overcome and work through the fear. Be willing to take a chance knowing the payoffs are significant.
Reframe what failure means. Does failure mean the end of the world? Absolutely not! It means you learn the lesson you need in order to grow to the next level. Everything in our lives is a learning opportunity. The greatest leaders make uncomfortable decisions and move through their fears in order to align with what they believe it the right decision.

This will be one of the best decisions you will ever make! It might be hard work, but it is so worth it!

Kristen Boice, M.A., LMFT, EMDR-Trained

12.18.19

Managing Holiday Stress

Do you feel more stressed, depressed, overwhelmed or sad during the holidays? You might also feel the sense of joy and peace sprinkled in at times, yet there is a sense of wanting to get through it. Maybe they bring up a sense of grief and loss because they remind you of losing a loved one. The holiday season can be a time of happiness and gratitude and a time of loss and stress. Below are some helpful hints to help manage the stress.

Focus on what matters – Remember what is really important during the holidays. Is it the gifts or the meaning behind the celebration? Is it having the house perfectly decorated or giving to someone in need? Is it about giving the most expensive gift or is it about taking the time to personally write a poem or note to someone you love? It’s about the love in your heart and not about the stuff that truly matters. Maybe shifting the focus from not having enough to just showing up and being you is truly all that really matters. Giving from the heart instead of giving because you think it’s the right thing to do, or listening more and talking less can be the best gifts. When we get clear about what is the most important piece of Christmas, which is love, it makes room for more joy.
Set healthy boundaries – Determine what you want to commit to doing and then say “no.” There are some things that we do because we think it’s the right thing to do. Do you say “yes” to everything out of guilt or because you truly want to do it. There needs to be a balance. It’s okay to say it is not going to work this year. When someone asks you to do something, tell them you will think about it. Take the time to really dig deep and figure out what makes the most sense for you and your family. This might mean it doesn’t work to travel to a family function or take on another holiday party this year. Or, maybe, you decide you are not going to send out Christmas cards because it creates too much stress.
Reach out – If you are feeling lonely or sad, pick two people to connect with and share how you feel. It can be so powerful to share what you are going through because it might help them too. Vulnerability leads to freedom and happiness. Volunteer and give your time to an organization that is close to your heart. Maybe you love animals or children. Make the time to give back and it will fill your heart.

Kristen Boice, M.A., LMFT, EMDR-Trained

08.19.19

Change is an Inside Job

Change is an inside job

Where does your worth and value come from?

We live in a society that looks outside of ourselves to feel good about who we are.

We compare ourselves to others and feel less than and not good enough.

We learn quickly this is an empty space that cannot be filled.

We will never feel enough because there is always someone better looking, richer, smarter, thinner, prettier, more successful, wealthier, has a bigger house, more fit and the list goes on.

So, how do we change this?

Change truly is an inside job. It takes self-work to start the process. We have to take responsibility for our own stories and begin to unpack who we really are. Over time, we will stop looking to others to tell us we are good enough or worthy. We have the ability to write our own ending by taking our power back.

It begins with you.

We continue doing the same things and behaviors even if it makes us feel bad about ourselves because it’s easier. Our brains like repetition and patterns. This does not mean they are healthy for us.

There are some essential steps to begin the process of change.

1. Ask yourself some key questions.

Do you really want to change? Are you committed to whatever it takes to make the change? Are you ready to give up and let go of something that no longer serves you even if it makes you uncomfortable? Are you willing to step out of your comfort zone? Are you willing to move through the fear to get to the other side?

2. Own your own stuff.

We can’t change anything unless we own it first. For example, if you want to create healthier relationships, then it’s important to take an inventory of how you have contributed to the issues. Maybe you need to improve your boundaries, how you communicate or your negativity. Growth happens when we are uncomfortable.

3. Write down possible solutions.

When you say, “I don’t know.” I challenge you to look deeper. I believe we don’t give ourselves enough credit and we often have a gut feeling and talk ourselves out of it.

4. Watch the self-talk.

This can be the key killer to making change. The more negative self-talk, the more we won’t attempt to make a change. Write out the negative statement and then the opposite statement. We are not our thoughts.

5. Inaction keeps you stuck.

Not taking any steps, even if they are baby steps, will keep you stuck.

Try doing things differently every day. Make an intention to focus on what you want. Keep
trying.

Never give up. You are worth it!

08.19.19

Stop giving away your power

Do you give other people your power by letting them control how you feel about yourself? Do you try to please others so you will feel better about yourself?

Do you try to keep the peace within your relationships by not rocking the boat so you end up walking on eggshells and losing a sense of who you are?

We give away our power when we focus on what others think about us or let their opinions define how we see ourselves. When we don’t speak our truth, we slowly lose parts of ourselves. When we start letting go of trying to please others, focus on what they think of us or stop walking on eggshells, we begin to feel empowered and start having more joy, peace and happiness in our lives.

We live in a world with so much judgment about how we look, how we dress, what house we live in, what car we drive and what job we have. When in reality, none of this truly matters.

What matters is that we are centered in who we are.

When we live our lives with integrity, passion, honesty, authenticity, compassion and heart or, whatever has deeper meaning to you, we step into a more fulfilling life.

It is easy to get caught up in the latest and greatest and comparing ourselves to others. When we compare ourselves to others, we are no longer empowered. We are stuck in shame, doubt, not feeling good enough and inadequacy.

Below are three steps to begin taking back your power and building a solid foundation for who you are and what you want in your life.

1. Weed out toxic people in your life.

Surround yourself with safe people that are going to love you for who you are. They provide honest feedback, let you have a voice and, most importantly, help you continue to grow and be the best person you can be.

2. Empower others.

One of the greatest gifts we can give to others is to show up and honor others by letting them have a voice. This leads to more people feeling like they matter and are
important. It’s really about, “Doing unto others as you would like done unto you.”

3. Take time to figure out who you are.

You are not alone if you don’t know exactly who you are.

It’s a journey of self-discovery. Write in a journal five minutes a day about answering this question, “Who are you?” Explore your likes, passions, dislikes and what pulls at your heartstrings.

You are worth it!

08.19.19

Need to find balance again? Try this.

Do you feel stressed, overwhelmed, anxious and tired?

Do you feel out of balance?

Are you worrying over things that you cannot control?

Are you spending too much time doing things that are not adding value to your life?

Are you overscheduled?

It might be time to hit the pause button and bring awareness to what is taking up your thoughts, time and energy.

The good news is we can make a choice, change and get back into alignment and integrity with ourselves.

If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, then you may not feel centered, grounded or peaceful.

You can begin to make a change and feel better.

Try these five steps and see if it makes a difference in how you feel.

1. Keep a daily log for one week. Write down what you do during the day, any worries or concerns taking up your thoughts and the amount of time spent on each item.

For example, you might write down how much time you spend on Facebook or social media during the day and notice it is taking up way too much time and creating feeling of inadequacy or not feeling good enough. You may decide to limit your time or delete your account.

2. Explore why you do or think these things.

Are you doing a lot of things in your life to feel important, to be noticed, to feel like you matter, to get attention, to belong or be liked? It’s essential to stop and understand what drives your behavior, choices and thoughts.

3. Write down your values.

What is important to you? What matters most in your life? Are you living out these values with your actions and thoughts?

4. Set boundaries for yourself.

This can be a gift for you and others. Determine what is out of balance and not aligning with your values. You don’t need to explain yourself when setting boundaries. A simple “no” is enough.

Often, we feel like we need to give a good explanation for why we can’t do something, but it isn’t necessary.

5. Take time for yourself!

This is the most important step. It is often skipped because we tell ourselves we don’t have time. We can absolutely make time to take care of ourselves. It is essential we walk, read, journal, be in nature or whatever helps you to slow down and remember what is important.

You can recharge your batteries, think more clearly, make better decisions and feel more balanced. You are worth it!