Author: Kristen

06.09.20

Turning Inner Struggle Into Inner Peace

Turning Inner Struggle Into Inner Peace

Do you feel unworthy, unloved, unimportant, or not good enough? Do you remember when you started to feel this way? Most likely, it started some time ago. We may deny, cover-up, or stuff how we feel. The power comes when we stop and decide to deal with how we feel about ourselves. As a result, life shifts and we become more content with yourself, which includes our imperfections. We stop looking outside of ourselves for worthiness and acceptance. It truly begins within.

Everyone has something they struggle with inside because we are human beings. It may appear that others have it all together. We don’t know what struggles they might have or what happens behind closed doors. They may be hiding, covering up, or in denial about what they are really feeling or it is too scary to share it with others.

We often live in fear of really being who we are because we are afraid of getting hurt or may have a fear of abandonment or rejection. We want to have a sense of belonging and acceptance.

Below are a few steps to take to begin stepping into your worth and taking charge of how you see yourself.

Make working on you a priority. Working on stepping into your worthiness and value has to come from your desire to want to do the self-work, which includes working on the mind, body, and spirit. The desire has to come from within. We can’t change others and they can’t change us.
Don’t give up. This isn’t an easy process. It is hard work yet it’s the most powerful and transformational work you will do. It is rewarding and life changing. Build a healthy and safe support team.
Stop beating yourself up. It begins by working on changing your thoughts. Ask yourself, “Is this helping me to feel better?” We tend to be our own worst critics. This only keeps us stuck in the same patterns.
Give yourself grace. It’s important we reflect on our patterns and choices, learn the lesson, and then let it go. It doesn’t help for us to have it play as a tape over and over. This just keeps us from growing and moving forward.

Feed your spirit. It’s important you take time daily to work on feeding your spirit. Read an inspirational or motivational book or write out your favorite quotes or sayings on notecards and keep them with you as reminders that you are enough and worth it!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community!

06.03.20

Are You Stuck in Your Anger?

Are You Stuck in Your Anger?

We can all relate to getting angry. Anger is a normal human emotion. It is often triggered by a sense of endangerment by an outright physical threat or by a threat to our self-esteem or dignity. Common triggers for anger include “being treated unjustly or rudely, being insulted or demeaned, and being frustrated in pursuing an important goal.” (Goleman, 1995) Fear and sadness are commonly underneath feelings of anger.

A few key questions to explore when dealing with anger include the following:

How often do you get angry?
Do you feel angry most of the time or every now and again?
Were your parents or primary caregivers angry often?
How did they express their anger, in healthy or unhealthy ways?
How has anger impacted your relationships?
How do you handle your anger?
What is your fear?

Many people were never taught how to express or handle their feelings, including anger. Perhaps, when you were growing up it wasn’t okay to be angry or maybe anger was the primary emotion that was expressed. Many of us didn’t learn how to self-regulate. In other words, we didn’t know how to identify or handle our feelings.

There is a myth that “venting” your anger will make you feel better. In reality, it often makes you feel worse because of the aftermath. “Venting” is a concept that began in the 1960s. At the time, it was believed that venting or letting it out would serve to free up the pent up feelings and somehow lead to healing.

Volumes of research studies have revealed that “venting” actually increases anger, rage, and other intense emotions. It is counterproductive. Venting is banned in most anger management programs.

Below are some key strategies to learn how to regulate your anger.

Recognize and label your feelings.
Understand your triggers.
Identify your fear and where it comes from.
Learn to use self-talk to calm down.
Take a deep breath and count to 10.
Ask yourself if it’s worth the price to express your anger in unhealthy ways or are you ready, willing, and committed to working on yourself and working through your anger? It’s critical you get to the root of the fear and where the anger comes from. Once we make peace with it, the anger often begins to decrease and we are able to calm ourselves down.
Take time to learn from the times you do get angry. This might lead to a need to forgive someone else or yourself or a breakthrough to change it.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community!

04.13.20

Passion Leads to Purpose

Passion Leads to Purpose

What do you feel passionate about? What do you love (besides your family, children, and friends)? Our passion often leads us to our purpose in life. For example, I am absolutely passionate about helping people work through blocks or barriers such as hurt, guilt, shame, and self-doubt in order to experience the freedom to be authentically who they are.

I believe when you find your passion, you will experience freedom, happiness and, ultimately, less anxiety and more peace. It sounds so simple. However, many people do not really know what they are passionate about because they have lost a sense of who they are. We have spent so much time trying to please others or creating stories about why we can’t do something. What if you could change this? How would your life be different?

Below are some questions to ask yourself in order to find and live out your passion, which will lead you to your purpose.

What do you get excited about? Technology, gardening, helping others, interior design, leadership, finances, health, fitness, writing, photography, art, managing projects, and the list goes on. Identify and write down the areas you love.

What are the blocks or limiting beliefs that hold you back from pursuing it either personally or professionally? Look at your thoughts around placing more emphasis on this area. What are you telling yourself? I’m not good enough. I don’t have the time or money. Whatever it is, work on deleting this from your thoughts and replacing them with the opposite statement.

How do you feel when you are doing what you love? Do you feel less anxious and happier? Do you find yourself thinking about it often?

Do you have a plan on how to live it out? Create more time in your calendar or research what additional information or resources you might need to integrate this more in your life. Maybe it’s getting a coach or mentor to help keep you on track, reduce your fears and work on your limiting conversations. Set goals and make them happen.

Living out your purpose may mean a different job or it may mean focusing your time differently or making your passion more of a priority in your life. We all matter and have a purpose. It’s never too late to create what you want.

This quote by Bob Proctor summarizes what this all means, “Your purpose explains what you are doing with your life. Your vision explains how you are living your purpose. Your goals enable you to realize your vision.”

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community!

04.06.20

The Fear Factor

The Fear Factor

Fear is an emotion caused by anticipated danger. We all have fears. It is a natural part of human existence and a response to perceived physical and emotional danger. Some fears can be helpful in that they alert us to danger. But often we fear situations that are in no way life-or-death, yet they somehow have power over our thoughts and behaviors.

In an innovative test of what people fear the most, Bill Tancer, author of Click: What millions of people are doing online and why it matters, analyzed the most frequent online search queries that involved the phrase, "fear of...”. This follows the assumption that people tend to seek information on the issues that concern them the most. According to his study, the top ten list of fears were flying, heights, clowns, intimacy, death, rejection, people, snakes, success and driving. Do you share any of these same fears?

Whether your fear is of spiders, tunnels, storms, fires, airplanes, public speaking, failure, social interactions, exams, needles or whatever the fear, it can become terrifying and overwhelming. It can produce an enormous amount of anxiety and may even lead to panic attacks.

We often make decisions based on fears. For example, if you make the “wrong” decision, then you might feel like a failure. I believe we are either coming from a place of love or fear. We start doubting ourselves and then the negative thoughts and fears begin to play in our minds.

If we face fear, it tends to shrink. If we refuse to face it, it grows. It doesn’t happen instantly or automatically. It is a result of deliberate intention and conscious action toward doing what scares you. As a result of working through your fears, you grow as a person and expand the possibilities that surround your life.

Here are a few immediate steps to start:

Identify and acknowledge your fears: Make a list of what scares you.
Look at when it started: Were you a child or an adult? Was there a traumatic event or situation?
How has it affected your life? Decide and commit to whether or not you want to work through the fear.
Face it head-on. Work on your thoughts, perceptions, and beliefs around the fear. Most importantly, believe you can overcome it. Doubt is like cancer; don’t give it power. Decide today that you can and will overcome your fears. It really is all about facing them to overcome them.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community!

03.30.20

How to Improve Your Relationships

How to Improve Your Relationships

When couples are in crisis or having issues, often they feel ashamed so they don’t talk to anyone about it. Or, maybe, they turn to their family and then get them in the middle of the issues. They feel lost, alone and don’t know how to make the relationship work. Below are some steps to take in order to improve your relationships.

Work on yourself. Make a list of how you have contributed to the issues in the relationship and what you are going to do to make some changes. You can’t change someone else. They have to want to work on themselves. However, you can work on yourself and try to gain some peace and insight into why you have certain triggers or react the way you do. If one person changes, it will change the dynamic of the relationship. It goes back to the saying, “Accept what you cannot change and change what you cannot accept.”

Use “I” statements to communicate. Notice how you communicate to your partner. It’s important you are tapping into how you feel. A good format to use is “I feel ____ when you ____ because I need______.” Many people think they are communicating a feeling when they are actually communicating a thought or simply making a statement. Research shows that intimacy comes from an emotional connection. Starting a sentence off by saying, “You always or never…” will instantly stop any effective communication. It is more helpful to come back when you have calmed down and are able to talk rationally about the issue.

Listen and try to understand your partner’s perspective. Are you truly listening or coming up with your argument or why you are right and they are wrong? When you can shift from trying to be right to trying to truly understand, it can shift the relationship. Everyone wants to feel heard, validated and understood. This is a key element in a relationship.

Work on your expectations. You and your partner make a list of ten things you like your partner to do for you. “I like it when you vacuum, hold my hand, text me during the day, tell me you love me…” These are small items your partner does that help you to feel loved. Exchange your lists and do something from each other’s lists a few times a week. You will keep your partners list so you can do something from their list. This can literally change the relationship instantly because you are helping them to feel loved.

These are a few things that can begin to change the relationship.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community!

03.16.20

Relationship Killers

The Four Relationship Killers

Have you ever wondered why some relationships make it while others fail?

At a very early age, I developed a keen curiosity about people and relationships. I often wondered why people made certain choices like who they dated or married. I had a thirst and passion to find out answers.

I came across the work of Dr. John Gottman, a well-known psychologist at the University of Washington and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and immediately liked what he discovered during his research.

Gottman studied more than 2,000 married couples over two decades and found four attitudes that most predict the dissolution of a relationship, especially in combination. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling — the four horsemen of the apocalypse. He discovered patterns about how partners relate to each other that can be used to predict, with 94 percent accuracy, which marriages would succeed and fail. I found this to be powerful information.

Let’s explore what these mean and how these might play out in your relationship.

Criticism is attacking your partner’s personality or character. Typically, it is with the intent of making someone right versus wrong. You might have said or heard these in your relationship, “Why are you so…?” Or, “You always or never…” It is healthy to talk about disagreements without attacking your partner’s personality or character in the process.

Contempt is one step up from criticism and involves tearing down or being insulting toward your partner. These include insults, name calling, hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery and body language and tone of voice like sneering or rolling your eyes. Contempt for a partner is the most crucial indicator of divorce.

Defensiveness is really about seeing yourself as the victim by warding off a perceived attack. Adopting a defensive stance in the middle of a conflict may be a natural response, yet it is not helpful in working through conflict. Making excuses like, “It’s not my fault…” or “That’s not true, you’re the one who…” Sometimes you will repeat yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying. Or, maybe you “yes-but,” which is starting off agreeing but end up disagreeing.

Finally, stonewalling is withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral.” People who stonewall simply refuse to respond. For example, you may change the subject, physically leave the room, give a stony silence or mutter under your breath.

All couples will engage in these types of behaviors at some point in their marriage. When the four horsemen take permanent residence, the relationship has a high likelihood of failing. It’s not the conflict that is the issue with how you handle it that makes the difference.

If your relationship is filled with these four issues, there is hope. Take responsibility, change yourself and work together towards making improvements now. As Gottman made clear, with work and investment in overcoming these challenges, marriages can improve and become better.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community!

03.09.20

Lessons Learned From Imperfect Parenting

Lessons Learned From Imperfect Parenting

There is no such thing as perfect parenting. When you take your baby home, the hospital doesn’t hand you a how-to manual. Parents learn on-the-job.

Parents do the best we can with what we know. We tend to take what we liked or didn’t like from our own parents and upbringing. Have you ever thought to yourself, “Wow, I sound exactly like my mom or dad?”

Here are just a few strategies I thought were helpful.

First, it’s vital we regulate and calm ourselves down before we can help try and calm our children. Think about the metaphor when flying on an airplane. The flight attendants give instructions, “If the cabin loses pressure, then the oxygen masks will drop from overhead. Place the mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting children.”

It would be wonderful if this mask would magically drop down in front of us when experiencing a conflict moment like a huge tantrum so we could be reminded to breathe instead of yelling and screaming. Not many of us learned how to self-regulate as children. We need to be mindful and aware of our own emotions and how we are acting in front of our children. What are we modeling?

Secondly, teach our children to stop and breathe. This will help them learn how to manage their emotions. It’s not just about practicing deep breathing during times of conflict. It’s important to teach them when things are going well too.

For small children, it can be helpful to pretend to blow up balloons so they may learn how to breathe through their nose and out their mouth.

Remember, it takes children 2,000 times to hear something before they really integrate it into their way of being. So, if it doesn’t work the first time, keep trying. Don’t give up. Stay with it.

Third, give your children two positive choices. You may (positive choice #1) or (positive choice #2). Which is better for you?" This will shift the focus to what you want the child to do.

I will be the first to admit, I am not a perfect parent. We all make so called “mistakes,” which are really opportunities to learn and grow. It doesn’t help to beat ourselves up. Know it’s never too late to change what you don’t like. We just have to stop, breathe and, perhaps, try something new.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community!

03.02.20

Giving Away Your Power

Stop Giving Away Your Power

Do you give other people your power by letting them control how you feel about yourself? Do you try to please others so you will feel better about yourself? Do you try to keep the peace within your relationships by not rocking the boat so you end up walking on eggshells and losing a sense of who you are?

We give away our power when we focus on what others think about us or let their opinions define how we see ourselves. When we don’t speak our truth, we slowly lose parts of ourselves. When we start letting go of trying to please others, focus on what they think of us or stop walking on eggshells, we begin to feel empowered and start having more joy, peace, and happiness in our lives.

We live in a world with so much judgment about how we look, how we dress, what house we live in, what car we drive and what job we have. When in reality, none of this truly matters. What matters is that we are centered on who we are. When we live our lives with integrity, passion, honesty, authenticity, compassion, and heart or, whatever has a deeper meaning to you, we step into a more fulfilling life.

It is easy to get caught up in the latest and greatest and comparing ourselves to others. When we compare ourselves to others, we are no longer empowered. We are stuck in shame, doubt, not feeling good enough and inadequacy.

Below are three steps to begin taking back your power and building a solid foundation for who you are and what you want in your life.

Weed out toxic people in your life. Surround yourself with safe people that are going to love you for who you are. They provide honest feedback, let you have a voice and, most importantly, help you continuously grow and be the best person you can be.
Empower others. One of the greatest gifts we can give to others is to show up and honor others by letting them have a voice. This leads to more people feeling like they matter and are important. It’s really about, “Doing unto others as you would like done unto you.”

Take time to figure out who you are. You are not alone if you don’t know exactly who you are. It’s a journey of self-discovery. Write in a journal five minutes a day about answering this question, “Who are you?” Explore your likes, passions, dislikes and what pulls at your heartstrings. You are worth it!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community!

02.24.20

Hiding Behind Our Masks

Hiding behind our masks

Do you ever feel like you wear a mask to cover how you really feel in order to fit in or be accepted? Do you put on a happy face even when you feel sad? Do you feel like you have to be a certain way in order for people to like you? These feelings can lead to exhaustion, anxiety, depression or loneliness.

Millions of people struggle with being completely themselves. They feel like if they are themselves then people won’t like them. So, a disconnect exists between their outward identity and their true selves. People often desire the freedom to be themselves, yet more often than not, the fear of rejection or disapproval drives them to compromise their individuality.

People wear masks to cover up parts of themselves they don’t like. The more masks you wear, the deeper you hide your true self.

There is a popular quote that says, “You are only ever loved to the extent that you are known.” We cannot feel loved for who we really are as long as we mask our true identity. At the same time, we fear if we expose our true selves, we will be rejected. The relationships where we wear lots of masks are often shallow and unfulfilling, which creates a frustrating cycle. It leaves us longing for more meaningful connections.

There are many different types of masks people wear. The two most common types are the following:

Masks to cover pain: These are the smiling masks you wear when everything in your life feels like it’s crashing down around you. Taking this mask off would mean facing and dealing with the hurt and feelings. Because of the fear of failure and rejection, people get uncomfortable and overwhelmed with the thought of removing the mask and exposing what they are really experiencing.
Masks to cover shame: These are masks about low self-confidence or taking pride in material possessions. We hope these things or achievements will give us worth. We think these types of masks serve as a distraction to keep outsiders from looking at what we see as our flaws.

Ultimately, wearing masks attempts to hide our feelings of unworthiness and not feeling good enough. It takes deep strength and courage to take these masks off and be who you are. It is completely possible to free yourself. Start by sharing your hopes and dreams with a safe person. So, what masks are you going to remove to experience freedom and more happiness?

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community!

02.17.20

Are you wanting someone to “Complete You”?

Is your love life like the movies? Are you wanting someone to "Complete You?"

Relationships have become one of the most important factors towards defining ourselves and our happiness.

Often, people look for happiness from their partner. They may have this idea that the "perfect match" will somehow “complete” them. They are putting their worth in someone else. Even Hollywood has it that life ends “happily ever after” once we find our prince charming or soul mate. There is so much more to creating healthy, happy and fulfilling relationships than what plays out in the movies. Love is not scripted. It's not all wrapped up in a bow in just under 90 minutes. Relationships are hard work. Romantic movies make it look so easy.

Relationship issues can be worked out if both people have a desire to work on themselves and owning their part in the relationship challenges. The key is to first take responsibility, work on yourself and then on the marriage or relationship.

There are some basic ingredients to a healthy and fulfilling relationship. These are based on putting these into practice in my own life. Within two months of dating my husband, we both thought each other could be “the one.” So, I told him I wanted to go to pre-marital counseling. I wanted to ensure we started this relationship off on the right foot and to understand whether we were compatible with several key elements such as values, character, family, spirituality, and finances. He actually agreed to go because he’s that kind of guy.

So, we started unpacking all of our “baggage” and family stuff and, most importantly, learned how to communicate effectively. We built the foundation of our relationship right out of the gate and worked on some key issues. It’s not to say we don’t have disagreements because we do. Every healthy relationship has them. It’s how you work them out and talk to each other that matters. Below are some communication and relationship strategies we found to be the most helpful.

∙ Active Listening: Be open and get out of your head. Truly hear what the other person has to say. Be present with them in that moment. It’s not about being right or wrong. It’s about connecting.

∙ Validating: This does not mean you agree with what the person is saying. It lets them know you have heard and understood what they are telling you. “What you said makes sense?” You might not agree, yet you can see where the other person is coming from.

∙ Empathy: You understand what they are feeling about the situation. You can say something like, “I can imagine you might be feeling sad.”

∙ Support: Recent research indicates that the most important element of a fulfilling relationship is supporting and encouraging your spouse or partner in their interests and endeavors.

So, try putting these strategies into action and see how your relationship changes. I think you'll be glad you did. Go out and enjoy your popcorn at the movies with the one you love. And, know you've done the work it takes to make your relationship have a happy ending.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community!