Author: Kristen

04.06.20

The Fear Factor

The Fear Factor

Fear is an emotion caused by anticipated danger. We all have fears. It is a natural part of human existence and a response to perceived physical and emotional danger. Some fears can be helpful in that they alert us to danger. But often we fear situations that are in no way life-or-death, yet they somehow have power over our thoughts and behaviors.

In an innovative test of what people fear the most, Bill Tancer, author of Click: What millions of people are doing online and why it matters, analyzed the most frequent online search queries that involved the phrase, "fear of...”. This follows the assumption that people tend to seek information on the issues that concern them the most. According to his study, the top ten list of fears were flying, heights, clowns, intimacy, death, rejection, people, snakes, success and driving. Do you share any of these same fears?

Whether your fear is of spiders, tunnels, storms, fires, airplanes, public speaking, failure, social interactions, exams, needles or whatever the fear, it can become terrifying and overwhelming. It can produce an enormous amount of anxiety and may even lead to panic attacks.

We often make decisions based on fears. For example, if you make the “wrong” decision, then you might feel like a failure. I believe we are either coming from a place of love or fear. We start doubting ourselves and then the negative thoughts and fears begin to play in our minds.

If we face fear, it tends to shrink. If we refuse to face it, it grows. It doesn’t happen instantly or automatically. It is a result of deliberate intention and conscious action toward doing what scares you. As a result of working through your fears, you grow as a person and expand the possibilities that surround your life.

Here are a few immediate steps to start:

Identify and acknowledge your fears: Make a list of what scares you.
Look at when it started: Were you a child or an adult? Was there a traumatic event or situation?
How has it affected your life? Decide and commit to whether or not you want to work through the fear.
Face it head-on. Work on your thoughts, perceptions, and beliefs around the fear. Most importantly, believe you can overcome it. Doubt is like cancer; don’t give it power. Decide today that you can and will overcome your fears. It really is all about facing them to overcome them.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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03.30.20

How to Improve Your Relationships

How to Improve Your Relationships

When couples are in crisis or having issues, often they feel ashamed so they don’t talk to anyone about it. Or, maybe, they turn to their family and then get them in the middle of the issues. They feel lost, alone and don’t know how to make the relationship work. Below are some steps to take in order to improve your relationships.

Work on yourself. Make a list of how you have contributed to the issues in the relationship and what you are going to do to make some changes. You can’t change someone else. They have to want to work on themselves. However, you can work on yourself and try to gain some peace and insight into why you have certain triggers or react the way you do. If one person changes, it will change the dynamic of the relationship. It goes back to the saying, “Accept what you cannot change and change what you cannot accept.”

Use “I” statements to communicate. Notice how you communicate to your partner. It’s important you are tapping into how you feel. A good format to use is “I feel ____ when you ____ because I need______.” Many people think they are communicating a feeling when they are actually communicating a thought or simply making a statement. Research shows that intimacy comes from an emotional connection. Starting a sentence off by saying, “You always or never…” will instantly stop any effective communication. It is more helpful to come back when you have calmed down and are able to talk rationally about the issue.

Listen and try to understand your partner’s perspective. Are you truly listening or coming up with your argument or why you are right and they are wrong? When you can shift from trying to be right to trying to truly understand, it can shift the relationship. Everyone wants to feel heard, validated and understood. This is a key element in a relationship.

Work on your expectations. You and your partner make a list of ten things you like your partner to do for you. “I like it when you vacuum, hold my hand, text me during the day, tell me you love me…” These are small items your partner does that help you to feel loved. Exchange your lists and do something from each other’s lists a few times a week. You will keep your partners list so you can do something from their list. This can literally change the relationship instantly because you are helping them to feel loved.

These are a few things that can begin to change the relationship.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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03.16.20

Relationship Killers

The Four Relationship Killers

Have you ever wondered why some relationships make it while others fail?

At a very early age, I developed a keen curiosity about people and relationships. I often wondered why people made certain choices like who they dated or married. I had a thirst and passion to find out answers.

I came across the work of Dr. John Gottman, a well-known psychologist at the University of Washington and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and immediately liked what he discovered during his research.

Gottman studied more than 2,000 married couples over two decades and found four attitudes that most predict the dissolution of a relationship, especially in combination. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling — the four horsemen of the apocalypse. He discovered patterns about how partners relate to each other that can be used to predict, with 94 percent accuracy, which marriages would succeed and fail. I found this to be powerful information.

Let’s explore what these mean and how these might play out in your relationship.

Criticism is attacking your partner’s personality or character. Typically, it is with the intent of making someone right versus wrong. You might have said or heard these in your relationship, “Why are you so…?” Or, “You always or never…” It is healthy to talk about disagreements without attacking your partner’s personality or character in the process.

Contempt is one step up from criticism and involves tearing down or being insulting toward your partner. These include insults, name calling, hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery and body language and tone of voice like sneering or rolling your eyes. Contempt for a partner is the most crucial indicator of divorce.

Defensiveness is really about seeing yourself as the victim by warding off a perceived attack. Adopting a defensive stance in the middle of a conflict may be a natural response, yet it is not helpful in working through conflict. Making excuses like, “It’s not my fault…” or “That’s not true, you’re the one who…” Sometimes you will repeat yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying. Or, maybe you “yes-but,” which is starting off agreeing but end up disagreeing.

Finally, stonewalling is withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral.” People who stonewall simply refuse to respond. For example, you may change the subject, physically leave the room, give a stony silence or mutter under your breath.

All couples will engage in these types of behaviors at some point in their marriage. When the four horsemen take permanent residence, the relationship has a high likelihood of failing. It’s not the conflict that is the issue with how you handle it that makes the difference.

If your relationship is filled with these four issues, there is hope. Take responsibility, change yourself and work together towards making improvements now. As Gottman made clear, with work and investment in overcoming these challenges, marriages can improve and become better.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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03.09.20

Lessons Learned From Imperfect Parenting

Lessons Learned From Imperfect Parenting

There is no such thing as perfect parenting. When you take your baby home, the hospital doesn’t hand you a how-to manual. Parents learn on-the-job.

Parents do the best we can with what we know. We tend to take what we liked or didn’t like from our own parents and upbringing. Have you ever thought to yourself, “Wow, I sound exactly like my mom or dad?”

Here are just a few strategies I thought were helpful.

First, it’s vital we regulate and calm ourselves down before we can help try and calm our children. Think about the metaphor when flying on an airplane. The flight attendants give instructions, “If the cabin loses pressure, then the oxygen masks will drop from overhead. Place the mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting children.”

It would be wonderful if this mask would magically drop down in front of us when experiencing a conflict moment like a huge tantrum so we could be reminded to breathe instead of yelling and screaming. Not many of us learned how to self-regulate as children. We need to be mindful and aware of our own emotions and how we are acting in front of our children. What are we modeling?

Secondly, teach our children to stop and breathe. This will help them learn how to manage their emotions. It’s not just about practicing deep breathing during times of conflict. It’s important to teach them when things are going well too.

For small children, it can be helpful to pretend to blow up balloons so they may learn how to breathe through their nose and out their mouth.

Remember, it takes children 2,000 times to hear something before they really integrate it into their way of being. So, if it doesn’t work the first time, keep trying. Don’t give up. Stay with it.

Third, give your children two positive choices. You may (positive choice #1) or (positive choice #2). Which is better for you?" This will shift the focus to what you want the child to do.

I will be the first to admit, I am not a perfect parent. We all make so called “mistakes,” which are really opportunities to learn and grow. It doesn’t help to beat ourselves up. Know it’s never too late to change what you don’t like. We just have to stop, breathe and, perhaps, try something new.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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03.02.20

Giving Away Your Power

Stop Giving Away Your Power

Do you give other people your power by letting them control how you feel about yourself? Do you try to please others so you will feel better about yourself? Do you try to keep the peace within your relationships by not rocking the boat so you end up walking on eggshells and losing a sense of who you are?

We give away our power when we focus on what others think about us or let their opinions define how we see ourselves. When we don’t speak our truth, we slowly lose parts of ourselves. When we start letting go of trying to please others, focus on what they think of us or stop walking on eggshells, we begin to feel empowered and start having more joy, peace, and happiness in our lives.

We live in a world with so much judgment about how we look, how we dress, what house we live in, what car we drive and what job we have. When in reality, none of this truly matters. What matters is that we are centered on who we are. When we live our lives with integrity, passion, honesty, authenticity, compassion, and heart or, whatever has a deeper meaning to you, we step into a more fulfilling life.

It is easy to get caught up in the latest and greatest and comparing ourselves to others. When we compare ourselves to others, we are no longer empowered. We are stuck in shame, doubt, not feeling good enough and inadequacy.

Below are three steps to begin taking back your power and building a solid foundation for who you are and what you want in your life.

Weed out toxic people in your life. Surround yourself with safe people that are going to love you for who you are. They provide honest feedback, let you have a voice and, most importantly, help you continuously grow and be the best person you can be.
Empower others. One of the greatest gifts we can give to others is to show up and honor others by letting them have a voice. This leads to more people feeling like they matter and are important. It’s really about, “Doing unto others as you would like done unto you.”

Take time to figure out who you are. You are not alone if you don’t know exactly who you are. It’s a journey of self-discovery. Write in a journal five minutes a day about answering this question, “Who are you?” Explore your likes, passions, dislikes and what pulls at your heartstrings. You are worth it!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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02.24.20

Hiding Behind Our Masks

Hiding behind our masks

Do you ever feel like you wear a mask to cover how you really feel in order to fit in or be accepted? Do you put on a happy face even when you feel sad? Do you feel like you have to be a certain way in order for people to like you? These feelings can lead to exhaustion, anxiety, depression or loneliness.

Millions of people struggle with being completely themselves. They feel like if they are themselves then people won’t like them. So, a disconnect exists between their outward identity and their true selves. People often desire the freedom to be themselves, yet more often than not, the fear of rejection or disapproval drives them to compromise their individuality.

People wear masks to cover up parts of themselves they don’t like. The more masks you wear, the deeper you hide your true self.

There is a popular quote that says, “You are only ever loved to the extent that you are known.” We cannot feel loved for who we really are as long as we mask our true identity. At the same time, we fear if we expose our true selves, we will be rejected. The relationships where we wear lots of masks are often shallow and unfulfilling, which creates a frustrating cycle. It leaves us longing for more meaningful connections.

There are many different types of masks people wear. The two most common types are the following:

Masks to cover pain: These are the smiling masks you wear when everything in your life feels like it’s crashing down around you. Taking this mask off would mean facing and dealing with the hurt and feelings. Because of the fear of failure and rejection, people get uncomfortable and overwhelmed with the thought of removing the mask and exposing what they are really experiencing.
Masks to cover shame: These are masks about low self-confidence or taking pride in material possessions. We hope these things or achievements will give us worth. We think these types of masks serve as a distraction to keep outsiders from looking at what we see as our flaws.

Ultimately, wearing masks attempts to hide our feelings of unworthiness and not feeling good enough. It takes deep strength and courage to take these masks off and be who you are. It is completely possible to free yourself. Start by sharing your hopes and dreams with a safe person. So, what masks are you going to remove to experience freedom and more happiness?

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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02.17.20

Are you wanting someone to “Complete You”?

Is your love life like the movies? Are you wanting someone to "Complete You?"

Relationships have become one of the most important factors towards defining ourselves and our happiness.

Often, people look for happiness from their partner. They may have this idea that the "perfect match" will somehow “complete” them. They are putting their worth in someone else. Even Hollywood has it that life ends “happily ever after” once we find our prince charming or soul mate. There is so much more to creating healthy, happy and fulfilling relationships than what plays out in the movies. Love is not scripted. It's not all wrapped up in a bow in just under 90 minutes. Relationships are hard work. Romantic movies make it look so easy.

Relationship issues can be worked out if both people have a desire to work on themselves and owning their part in the relationship challenges. The key is to first take responsibility, work on yourself and then on the marriage or relationship.

There are some basic ingredients to a healthy and fulfilling relationship. These are based on putting these into practice in my own life. Within two months of dating my husband, we both thought each other could be “the one.” So, I told him I wanted to go to pre-marital counseling. I wanted to ensure we started this relationship off on the right foot and to understand whether we were compatible with several key elements such as values, character, family, spirituality, and finances. He actually agreed to go because he’s that kind of guy.

So, we started unpacking all of our “baggage” and family stuff and, most importantly, learned how to communicate effectively. We built the foundation of our relationship right out of the gate and worked on some key issues. It’s not to say we don’t have disagreements because we do. Every healthy relationship has them. It’s how you work them out and talk to each other that matters. Below are some communication and relationship strategies we found to be the most helpful.

∙ Active Listening: Be open and get out of your head. Truly hear what the other person has to say. Be present with them in that moment. It’s not about being right or wrong. It’s about connecting.

∙ Validating: This does not mean you agree with what the person is saying. It lets them know you have heard and understood what they are telling you. “What you said makes sense?” You might not agree, yet you can see where the other person is coming from.

∙ Empathy: You understand what they are feeling about the situation. You can say something like, “I can imagine you might be feeling sad.”

∙ Support: Recent research indicates that the most important element of a fulfilling relationship is supporting and encouraging your spouse or partner in their interests and endeavors.

So, try putting these strategies into action and see how your relationship changes. I think you'll be glad you did. Go out and enjoy your popcorn at the movies with the one you love. And, know you've done the work it takes to make your relationship have a happy ending.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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02.10.20

The Power of Family Patterns

The Power of Family Patterns

Family patterns, both healthy and unhealthy, have a legacy and power for future generations. We are grateful for healthy patterns. Unhealthy patterns tend to be more difficult to confront. And, these can teach us the most when we are open to exploring them.

How often do we stop and examine what we might be passing down to our children or those around us? Often, we are just doing what we know. We may tell ourselves we will never be like our parents or others in our lives and think we create a different pattern. We soon discover we have just recreated the patterns that are normal or comfortable for us.

It’s important to explore why we think, feel and act the way we do. Sometimes we are on auto-pilot and not awake to our daily actions and how they show up.

Taking time to explore your unhealthy patterns will help stop the multi-generational transmission of issues. It’s a gift you give to yourself and the people you care about. It is not about getting stuck or blaming our past. It’s about creating insight, becoming aware of what we want to do differently and then taking action to change it.

Below are a few key areas to begin your journey of making a lasting change.

Explore the role of guilt and shame. Do you struggle with guilt or feeling bad? Do you use guilt to “get” your children to do what you want them to do? Was guilt or shame used in your family system as a form of control or manipulation? Write out how you use shame and guilt with others and yourself. Let go of the “should’s” and start accepting yourself for who you are. We are human beings that are imperfect. The key is to grow and learn from our choices so we be more joyful, happy and at peace.
Look at boundaries. What were the boundaries in your family growing up? Were they rigid or did you not have any rules? We teach other people how to treat us. Did you learn to set healthy boundaries with others? Do you set them with your children? Write out what your boundaries are and start communicating what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship.
Understand your feelings. Were you able to express your feelings or did you have to hold them in? Are you uncomfortable when others express how they feel? Some people neglect their own feelings and needs by taking care of others, even when others aren’t asking for it. This may lead to feeling resentment and neglected. You are not responsible for fixing or changing your whole family. We can’t change or control others. You are responsible for you, your choices and making changes

This is some of the most powerful and transformative work you can do. Be patient with yourself. It takes courage and a willingness to be accountable. It takes one person to change the pattern. So, start with you!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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02.10.20

The Blame Game

The blame game

Do you blame someone else for your feelings, issues or how your life has turned out? How does it play out in your relationships, marriage or in the work environment? The blame game can have a powerful impact on your life. It can keep you stuck.

Blame keeps us focused on the other person so we don’t have to work on ourselves. It’s really a deflection to dealing with our own issues. When we blame, we place responsibility for our negative feelings and upsets onto another person or situation. Focusing on blame misses the opportunity to resolve the conflict.

How can we work on ourselves when we are focused on what someone else is doing, saying and what they have done to us? This can lead us to feel like a victim as opposed to feeling empowered.

Once we make a decision to stop the blame game and to take ownership of our own feelings and actions, then we can focus on living out the life we want. By focusing on ourselves, we begin to feel stronger and have the courage to face our feelings and pain. Below are some initial steps to begin the process of shifting from blame to taking responsibility for our emotions.

Explore your blaming patterns. Who do you blame? Why do you blame them? How often are you blaming others like your spouse, friend, co-worker, neighbor, parent, boss, etc.? Do you notice a pattern? Do you have a pattern of wanting to be right?
Learn to recognize your own feelings. Do you know what you are feeling? Do you take time to dig deep and really figure out what is bothering you and why? Begin to pay attention and notice what you are feeling.
Focus on solutions. Look at how you can resolve the conflict or work through it in order to begin the forgiveness process.

Ultimately, blame and not forgiving doesn’t hurt the other person, it hurts you. It’s time to look within and step into an empowering state of being. It’s about becoming a better you.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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02.03.20

Uncovering Pain Opens the Door to Authenticity

Uncovering pain opens the door to authenticity

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you like what you see on the inside and out? Do you feel stuck? Do you carry around pain, hurt or trauma that you have buried for years that affect how you see yourself? Do you look to others to feel better about yourself?

Not many people can say they truly love themselves. They spend so much of their energy keeping their feelings under lock and key because they are afraid others will not like them or think less of them if they show who they really are.

Often the pain of carrying around the hurt or dislike for ourselves manifests physically. Our bodies absorb the emotions since they have been stuffed for so long. Some people cover the hurt with layers such as eating, drinking, shopping, smoking, or whatever else you have used to keep the feelings at bay.

Once you stop the cycle of covering your feelings, you can begin to really know who you are. Feelings truly are our guides in life and teach us about whom we are. Authenticity comes when you give up trying to live your life so others will like you and start being who you are in all situations. You start by letting go of the thought that our worth is tied to what others think and get centered in knowing your boundaries, triggers, passion and, most importantly, your purpose.

When you do not seek or need other people’s approval, you are at your most powerful. We give away our power when we worry about what someone might think of us. Compromising who you are and covering up how you feel to gain the approval of another is an example of giving away part of your spirit.

Here are some helpful tips to move through pain and live your life with authenticity and meaning:

Check in with how you feel and what you are thinking. Then try saying what you feel and think more often even if you think someone else isn’t going to like it. It might be something they need to know or hear.

Look at what you use to manage your feelings. Do you have healthy or unhealthy coping strategies?
Explore your passions and discover your purpose. What gets you excited? What do you feel passionate about? Your passion often leads to your purpose.

The more you look within and discover your worth and value, the more you will be comfortable in your own skin and being your authentic self.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT,EMDR, Trained

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