Author: Nicole Weis

What Are You Stuffing?

What Are You Stuffing? | 6.29.2021

Do you communicate how you feel or what might be upsetting or bothering you? Or, do you keep it inside and stuff it until you blow up with anger, feel depressed or highly anxious?  Are you the type of person that tries to let things roll off your back? Do you think to yourself, “Just get over it. The situation isn’t that bad. People don’t want to hear about my problems?” Maybe you think you are talking about how you feel yet when you stop and think about it, you really aren’t. 

It’s extremely important to communicate how you feel to safe people. Why it is important? Because if we keep things bottled up inside, they manifest in other ways such as physical issues like high blood pressure, headaches or stomachaches. If we stuff our emotions and then blow up in a fit of rage, it often causes major issues in relationships. It may lead to ending a relationship causing major emotional pain and distress. 

You may have learned a pattern at a very early in your childhood to not express your emotions because if you did, then there was a “price” to pay. Therefore, you learned to stuff how you felt about things. It is common to have developed this pattern growing up. If you want to change this pattern, it is completely possible to work through. It begins with a desire and willingness to look at you.

Below are a few suggestions to work on creating a healthy way of dealing with your emotions. 

  1. Take a deep breath and notice what how your body feels. Our bodies store emotions. They tell us something is not in alignment. Notice where you hurt (e.g., headache, stomachache, back ache). 
  2. Identify what you are feeling. Some people aren’t even sure how to know what they are feeling. Start with trying to identify the basic emotions such as happy, sad, mad and then branch out into guilty, shame, fear, etc. 
  3. Communicate it. I recommend using this structure to get started. “I feel sad (or whatever feeling you are experiencing) when you (fill in the blank) because I need or want (communicate what you need).” 
  4. Figure out your fear underneath your feelings. I believe we operate from a place of either fear or love. Try and identify what you are afraid of and communicate your fear. This can help make sense of what is really going on underneath your feelings. 

You can break the cycle and change the pattern by looking within for the answers and then sharing how you feel with someone safe.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Exploring Your Past to Live in the Present

Exploring Your Past to Live in the Present
| 6.15.2021

What was it like growing up in your family? What did you learn about yourself and how to relate to others? How has it impacted the decisions you make today? What were some defining moments?

In order to create understanding into who you are and why you make certain choices, it’s important to look at your family of origin. This refers to the significant caretakers and siblings that you grow up with, or the first social group you belong to, which often is your family.

Our early experiences have a major influence on how we see ourselves, others and the world and how we cope and function in our daily lives. They heavily influence our key choices such as selecting a partner, how you parent and in our personal and professional relationships.

Sometimes you have to go backwards in order to go forward. Many people don’t want to look at the past because they want to forget it, they don’t think it really matters or they don’t want to be victims of the past. It’s not to get stuck, blame, dwell or be a victim of the past, rather it’s to create understanding and awareness about you and why you think and act the way you do.

Anxiety, depression, anger, fear and recurrent relationship problems are often tied to unresolved or unconscious issues from the past. Our family taught us how to interact and communicate, how to manage our emotions and meet our needs. Most of our values, beliefs and our sense of self originate from our parents or primary caregivers.

Once we have awareness and become conscious of our choices, we can make changes that can lead to more clarity, happiness and peace.

Here are some helpful suggestions to get you started:

Create a timeline. List all the significant events and circumstances that have happened in your life. Think about things that had a major impact on who you are such as moves, parental separation, accidents, traumas, deaths, key relationships, etc.

Journal about key memories and experiences that come up for you when thinking about your childhood.

Talk with a safe person that can help you process, explore and work through your early experiences.

Remember, no family is perfect. We do the best we can with what we know. This process takes time; however, it is valuable in facing and overcoming fears and changing unhealthy relationship patterns. It helps you achieve deeper understanding and peace so you can move forward.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Confrontation: Love or Hate It?

Confrontation: Love or Hate It?

How do you feel about confronting others or maybe confronting your own issues? Do you tend to run away from confrontation and avoid conflict? If you do tend to shy away from conflict, what is your fear about it? Or, do you hit it head on and move towards it? How does it impact your relationships? It’s important to take a look and really dig deep on how you deal with difficult feelings and issues. 

The word “confrontation” brings up many different meanings, often people associate being “confrontive” as negative. I encourage you to look at it differently, and to look at it in terms of exploring how you face issues in your life. Do you tend to run away from stuff or ignore them? Or, do you acknowledge and work through them? How do you deal with your feelings? Do you express or suppress them? 

Why is this important? If you don’t deal directly with issues, feelings or challenges in your life, then they can manifest in different ways such as depression, anxiety, fear or physical illness. Sometimes people just feel stuck. Maybe it’s because there is something from the past or present to confront, deal with head on and, ultimately, move on. The payoff is you gain more peace about the situation and, most importantly, yourself. 

We are all human beings with feelings and experiences. There is no such thing as a perfect person or relationship. Everyone has something that triggers or upsets them. In order to gain a sense of self, it’s important to begin dealing with your feelings and confront issues in your life. Below are a few ways to begin confronting yourself or someone else. 

  1. Acknowledge your feelings and possible areas for improvement. We can all grow, learn and become a better version of ourselves. In order to do this, we must take a look at what it is we want to confront and work to improve it.  We don’t want to dwell, blame or get stuck in the past, but to explore it and create understanding and insight. 
  2. Take responsibility for your part. Look at the parts of the situation you can own. Is it all your issue or just certain parts? Don’t take on issues that don’t belong to you. It might be someone else’s issue and not yours to own. 
  3. Communicate how you feel. It’s so important we share how we feel by using “I” statements such as “I feel sad when you don’t return my calls for days.” Telling someone how you feel is not about them, it’s about you. Let go of the expectations of others and say what you need to say. It’s about your own healing.

 

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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The Value of Validation

The Value of Validation

It’s a basic human need to want to feel significant, safe, important, understood and valued. We want to be and feel heard. It’s important to use this with your partner, children, friends, family and any other relationships in your life.

First, let’s understand what validation means. It’s accepting someone’s feelings. It is to really understand where they are coming from. When we validate someone, we acknowledge and accept their uniqueness and individuality. A big misconception is to think that if we validate someone, then they are going to think we completely agree with them. This is not true. It simply means I get you. I understand what you are feeling and saying. Invalidation is the opposite. It comes from a place of being right and judgment. The person doesn’t feel close and connected to you. They feel shutdown and disconnected.

It starts first with hearing and validating others. Often, we don’t learn this growing up, yet we have a need to experience to feel heard and validated. The good news is it’s a skill we can learn. If there is conflict, it can be because walls of invalidation have been built. Ultimately, validation allows someone to feel safe and encouraged to express their feelings. It will build stronger and deeper connections. 

Below are some steps to begin using validation immediately.

  1. Work on your own judgments and feelings. Work through your own hurt and pain. Perhaps, this is in the way of really connecting with others. Be in an accepting and open space.
  2. Listen with your eyes, ears and body. Face the person and make eye contact. Notice your body language and if you are open to really hearing them. Be present with them. No texting, using your computer or doing something else while you are with them. Allow the person to safely share their thoughts and feelings without judgment or blame. 
  3. Mirror back what you heard. For example, “What I heard you say is…” You are repeating or paraphrasing what you heard. You will notice someone nodding or saying, “Yes. Exactly.” They are feeling heard. This shows them we care and are in tune with them.
  4. Use short phrases to show you understand. For instance, you might say any of these statements, “I can understand how you feel. It sounds like you are really feeling _____. It sounds like ____is really important to you. It makes sense how you feel.”
  5. Don’t give advice. Most of us truly want to help others. We don’t know how to help. We start giving advice, as our parents did us. If you just validate someone, they are able to work out their own emotional issues faster than giving them advice.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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The Psychology of Facebook

The Psychology of Facebook

Facebook. What comes up for you when you hear this word? Do you feel excited, afraid, annoyed, irritated, thankful, unworthy, anxious, or a combination of emotions?  

Facebook certainly continues to be a heated topic of conversation that brings much debate. There are many different feelings and thoughts about Facebook and its impact on our culture.  I am fascinated by it from a psychological perspective.  

On one hand, it can be a nice way to connect with others you have not seen in a while or that live far away. It allows us to see family and personal photos and hear the latest news in others’ lives.  Facebook can be a quick way to share information to large groups of people. 

Facebook brings out curiosity factor. Learning about others can be fun and interesting. 

It also has some drawbacks.  It sometimes causes feelings of unworthiness when comparing ourselves to others in terms of looks, traveled destinations, spouses, families, number of friends and so on.  You can create a false picture of what is really happening in your life and the lives of others – people can wear masks. By what people post, it can create a picture of a “perfect” world when their life is quite the opposite in reality. It creates a false sense of connection. 

Facebook can be seen as exploiting the ache to belong. Have you or someone you know been in a situation where you were asked, “Really? You don’t have an account on Facebook? Why not?” 

Finally, Facebook can become a serious addiction. It can take away from your priorities and cause serious relationship issues. 

Facebook is not an inherently “bad” thing.  There are many parts that help people connect and keep in touch.  However, there may be a problem if Facebook is running you instead of vice versa and if you do not have appropriate boundaries around it.

Here are some important questions if you use Facebook:

  • How much time do you spend on it a day, week or month? 
  • Do you feel yourself wanting or even needing to check it often? 
  • Do you have the app loaded on your phone and check it while driving?
  • Is it taking time away from your family and other priorities in your life?
  • How do your boundaries play a role in your Facebook usage? 
  • Are you married or in a committed partnership and having inappropriate relationships with others?
  • Do you not want to talk to people in person because you prefer to “connect” on Facebook?

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Key Ingredient to Successful Relationships

Key Ingredient to Successful Relationships

How would you rate your relationship or marriage? How much time do you spend on your relationship? Are you too busy to really sit down and connect? Are you focused on other things like work, children, hobbies or fill in the blank? Maybe you have just given up. 

One reason for marital breakdowns in our country is that people don’t spend enough time together. People feel like they have grown apart. If love dwindles, it is because the relationship wasn’t a priority. 

In the United States, 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. How do you feel when you read these statistics? 

Couples don’t seek help until they have been experiencing problems in their relationship for an average of seven years. We are busy with other things that we simply neglect our spouse or partner and the relationship. It falls off our “to do” list. 

Ultimately, I believe we all want and need to feel loved, valued, connected and worthy. We are born relational. Yet, relationships are some of the most challenging aspects of our lives. Here are some strategies to connect with your partner and rekindle your relationship:

  • Sit down as a couple and write out the vision for your relationship. What do you want? What matters to you?
  • Make your relationship a priority. Make a date night at least once every other week. Put it on the calendar, secure a babysitter and commit to making it happen. 
  • Dig deep and identify your fears. What are you most afraid of? Abandonment. Not being loved. Being controlled. Losing a part of you in the relationship. Whatever it is, identify it and try and understand where it comes from.
  • Never underestimate the power of long and meaningful conversations. Conversations don’t mean small talk. It means having talks about things that are important to you and your relationship. The more you communicate, the happier you will find yourself in the relationship.
  • When you do communicate, it’s important to have good communication skills. Step into your partner’s world. Try to see things from their perspective.
  • Turn off your computer, cell phone and all electronic devices. These can be barriers and distractions to true connection. When you shut them down, your partner becomes the priority.
  • Seek help with a professional, if necessary. It’s never too late to work on yourself and your relationship. If you don’t try to work on it, you might live with regret that you didn’t give it your all.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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The Criticism Epidemic

The Criticism Epidemic

How often do you feel criticized by your partner, children, co-worker, boss, friend or parent? Do you feel like you are never good enough no matter what you do? Do you feel like you will not live up to someone else’s expectations of you? Are you critical of yourself and others? 

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, to criticize means to find fault with or point out faults.  Criticism is like cancer in relationships and can tear them apart. Self-criticism leads to feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy. If we are hard on ourselves, we tend to be hard on others. 

Why do you criticize? Is it to get people to change or do things your way? Is it because you feel powerless inside and not good enough? Is it because you feel you know better than the other person? Is it a way to manage your anxiety, fear and hurt? Does it create a barrier to getting close with others? The answer may be “yes” to several of these questions. 

Below are some immediate steps you can take to shift from being less critical and to becoming more accepting and peaceful. 

  1. Explore when you started being critical. Was someone critical of you early in your life such as a parent, boss, friend or partner and now you are continuing that pattern in your personal life? Do you have black and white thinking? Will you argue to win and be right? Ask yourself whether you would rather be right or in a connected relationship. Needing to be right is a relationship killer. 
  2. Stop and think before you speak. Be mindful about what you are thinking and whether or not there is value in saying it. Begin to look at why you are being critical and the purpose it serves in your life.  
  3. Begin to accept others as they are and focus on working on you. What we resist and try to control, will persist. We cannot change others. Criticism isn’t going to change anyone including ourselves. It will push them further away and have the opposite impact. 
  4. Know the difference between criticism and feedback. We can tell someone how we feel and speak our truth without attacking someone else or putting them down. We can share how we feel out of love and coming from a place of grace. When we are trying to be “right,” then we are more likely to be critical of another person. We want to feel heard and understood.

We can only change ourselves. Take steps today to end criticism patterns. It will change your life!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Losing Yourself: Steps to Getting You Back

losing Yourself: Steps to Getting You Back

It seems like we are living in a society focused on material possessions, being busy, achieving, money, beauty, and getting our worth and value from others. We are losing ourselves in being constantly on the go and busy from one activity or work-related event to another.  

There are some key questions to ask yourself and assess whether or not you are losing yourself in the process.  

  • Do you sometimes feel like you are filling a black hole by trying to be everything to everyone or keep up with what everyone else is doing? 
  • Do you feel like no matter how much you achieve, do or buy, it still doesn’t help you feel good enough or worthy?
  • Are you so busy you don’t have time to be still, get quiet or connect to God? 
  • Do you feel like you are in the weeds, in other words, so busy you can’t see straight and have nothing left to give to yourself and family? 
  • Do you have time to reflect, grow and learn? 

We are in a society that focuses on being busy and going from one thing to the next. We have many distractions that don’t allow us to stop, learn and get centered in who we are and what we value.  Below are five steps to help you change this pattern.

  1. Make time for you. If we are neglecting ourselves, then it’s hard to give back to others. Some of us received the message that self-care is “self-fish.” That is simply false. When we are taking care of ourselves, we are able to give for the reasons that feel good to us – not to gain someone else’s approval so we feel worthy. Often, quiet time is one of the most enriching experiences because we can become more centered in what we value.
  2. Stop before you say “yes.” The next time you are asked to do something, stop and respond with, “Let me think about it and I will get back to you.” This allows you time and space to see if it aligns with what truly matters to you. 
  3. Don’t compare yourself to what everyone else is doing. We completely lose ourselves when we are focused on what others are doing. When we stay true to who we are, we live a more fulfilling life.
  4. Figure out the why. Try to understand why you keep busy. Is it a deflection to dealing with feelings, pain or hurt? This will often keep us from doing the internal work we need to do in order to heal. 
  5. Be who you are. Don’t try to be someone you are not to fit in and belong. You will end up feeling even more alone and stuck.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Eliminating “Should” And “But” From Our Vocabulary

Eliminating "Should" and "But" From Our Vocabulary

How many times do you think or say the word “should” or “but”? How often are you saying or thinking it? Think about times when you have thought or said, I should have called them or shouldn’t have said or done that.  Or, maybe, you have tried to empathize with someone by saying, “I understand what you are saying, but you…” When we say the word “but,” it’s like an eraser to what you just said at the beginning. And, it’s not the nicest sounding word in the dictionary. 

Let’s take a look at the word “should.” It’s often used as a weapon of mass destruction toward ourselves or someone else. You may have a lot of internal self-talk using it. We “should” ourselves to the point it adds to anxiety, depression and a low sense of self-worth.  We learned this word early in life either by our parents, primary caregivers or, perhaps, at school. It quickly became part of our thought process and a way of self-correctly. It has evolved into developing guilt and shame.  It can keep us stuck in our thoughts instead of taking action.

We try to validate or empathize with someone at the beginning of a sentence and then follow it with a “but” to communicate what we want to say. For example, “I really love you and appreciate you cleaned up the dishes, but you didn’t load them in the dishwasher right.” It often communicates a sense of devaluing what the other person feels and ends up not validating, empathizing or expressing our appreciation. The other person just hears the part after the “but…”  

There are a few steps to begin eliminating should and but from your vocabulary and replacing them with more helpful, powerful words.

  • Be aware of your thoughts. Keep a journal. A journal really allows insightful processing of our thoughts, feelings and the deeper meaning behind where our thoughts might have originated from. It’s a way of not stuffing things and getting them out. 
  • Notice when and how you use the words should and but. How are you using them in your daily life? Are you using them often? When do you notice that you use them the most? Do you see a pattern?
  • Begin replacing the word should with want. Make an effort to replace should with want during your thought process. How does it replace the meaning for you or someone else?
  • Start using the word “and” instead of but. Rather than “but” try saying “and.” Notice how it feels different and how another person responds when you change your words. It really does change the meaning.  

Changing a few words in your self-talk and to others can really change a relationship. It can be a game changer. 

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

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Do You Take Things Too Personally?

Do You Take Things Too Personally?

How many times does someone say or do something that really hurts yet when you stop and think about it, the situation seems as if it’s not about you – it’s about them? Do you feel like you take things too personally? Do you feel like you start blaming yourself for things that aren’t really your fault or responsibility? Do your feelings get hurt easily? If you said “yes” to any of these questions, that means there is something to unpack here. 

Pictures and metaphors help us look at things from another angle or perspective. So, imagine everyone carrying a suitcase filled with different issues – some might have more in their suitcases than others. However, everyone has something they are dealing with in their life. We might not be able to see it from the surface. 

There is no such thing as a “perfect” life. We all have feelings that get triggered based on things or situations that come up in our lives. The feelings might get stirred up by different situations or people. So, when you look around, think about what is really in your suitcase versus what really isn’t about you.  It’s something related to the other person's suitcase or issues.

  1. Look inside your suitcase to understand your issues. This is the first and most important step. What are your feelings, choices and behaviors? Take ownership and responsibility for your issues, choices and feelings. Blaming others only prolongs the healing process and delays your own growth and moving forward in your life. Figure out how you might have contributed to the situation and let go of the rest.

  2. Examine the situation.  Peel back the onion and look at what is really going on. Ask questions. Maybe something else is going on that has nothing to do with you. You might have triggered the other person’s pain or happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

  3. Talk to someone safe. It can be extremely powerful to process the situation with someone else to get an outside perspective. They might see something that you are not able to see. Be ready for the feedback and, again, look within.

Everyone is in your life for a reason. Try to figure out what lesson you are supposed to learn or the gift this person brings to your life. Breathe and let the rest go.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

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