Author: Kristen

05.04.21

The Psychology of Facebook

Facebook. What comes up for you when you hear this word? Do you feel excited, afraid, annoyed, irritated, thankful, unworthy, anxious, or a combination of emotions?

Facebook certainly continues to be a heated topic of conversation that brings much debate. There are many different feelings and thoughts about Facebook and its impact on our culture. I am fascinated by it from a psychological perspective.

On one hand, it can be a nice way to connect with others you have not seen in a while or that live far away. It allows us to see family and personal photos and hear the latest news in others’ lives. Facebook can be a quick way to share information to large groups of people.

Facebook brings out curiosity factor. Learning about others can be fun and interesting.

It also has some drawbacks. It sometimes causes feelings of unworthiness when comparing ourselves to others in terms of looks, traveled destinations, spouses, families, number of friends and so on. You can create a false picture of what is really happening in your life and the lives of others – people can wear masks. By what people post, it can create a picture of a “perfect” world when their life is quite the opposite in reality. It creates a false sense of connection.

Facebook can be seen as exploiting the ache to belong. Have you or someone you know been in a situation where you were asked, “Really? You don’t have an account on Facebook? Why not?”

Finally, Facebook can become a serious addiction. It can take away from your priorities and cause serious relationship issues.

Facebook is not an inherently “bad” thing. There are many parts that help people connect and keep in touch. However, there may be a problem if Facebook is running you instead of vice versa and if you do not have appropriate boundaries around it.

Here are some important questions if you use Facebook:

How much time do you spend on it a day, week or month?
Do you feel yourself wanting or even needing to check it often?
Do you have the app loaded on your phone and check it while driving?
Is it taking time away from your family and other priorities in your life?
How do your boundaries play a role in your Facebook usage?
Are you married or in a committed partnership and having inappropriate relationships with others?
Do you not want to talk to people in person because you prefer to “connect” on Facebook?

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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04.20.21

Key Ingredient to Successful Relationships

How would you rate your relationship or marriage? How much time do you spend on your relationship? Are you too busy to really sit down and connect? Are you focused on other things like work, children, hobbies or fill in the blank? Maybe you have just given up.

One reason for marital breakdowns in our country is that people don’t spend enough time together. People feel like they have grown apart. If love dwindles, it is because the relationship wasn’t a priority.

In the United States, 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. How do you feel when you read these statistics?

Couples don’t seek help until they have been experiencing problems in their relationship for an average of seven years. We are busy with other things that we simply neglect our spouse or partner and the relationship. It falls off our “to do” list.

Ultimately, I believe we all want and need to feel loved, valued, connected and worthy. We are born relational. Yet, relationships are some of the most challenging aspects of our lives. Here are some strategies to connect with your partner and rekindle your relationship:

Sit down as a couple and write out the vision for your relationship. What do you want? What matters to you?
Make your relationship a priority. Make a date night at least once every other week. Put it on the calendar, secure a babysitter and commit to making it happen.
Dig deep and identify your fears. What are you most afraid of? Abandonment. Not being loved. Being controlled. Losing a part of you in the relationship. Whatever it is, identify it and try and understand where it comes from.
Never underestimate the power of long and meaningful conversations. Conversations don’t mean small talk. It means having talks about things that are important to you and your relationship. The more you communicate, the happier you will find yourself in the relationship.
When you do communicate, it’s important to have good communication skills. Step into your partner’s world. Try to see things from their perspective.
Turn off your computer, cell phone and all electronic devices. These can be barriers and distractions to true connection. When you shut them down, your partner becomes the priority.
Seek help with a professional, if necessary. It’s never too late to work on yourself and your relationship. If you don’t try to work on it, you might live with regret that you didn’t give it your all.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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04.06.21

The Criticism Epidemic

How often do you feel criticized by your partner, children, co-worker, boss, friend or parent? Do you feel like you are never good enough no matter what you do? Do you feel like you will not live up to someone else’s expectations of you? Are you critical of yourself and others?

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, to criticize means to find fault with or point out faults. Criticism is like cancer in relationships and can tear them apart. Self-criticism leads to feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy. If we are hard on ourselves, we tend to be hard on others.

Why do you criticize? Is it to get people to change or do things your way? Is it because you feel powerless inside and not good enough? Is it because you feel you know better than the other person? Is it a way to manage your anxiety, fear and hurt? Does it create a barrier to getting close with others? The answer may be “yes” to several of these questions.

Below are some immediate steps you can take to shift from being less critical and to becoming more accepting and peaceful.

Explore when you started being critical. Was someone critical of you early in your life such as a parent, boss, friend or partner and now you are continuing that pattern in your personal life? Do you have black and white thinking? Will you argue to win and be right? Ask yourself whether you would rather be right or in a connected relationship. Needing to be right is a relationship killer.
Stop and think before you speak. Be mindful about what you are thinking and whether or not there is value in saying it. Begin to look at why you are being critical and the purpose it serves in your life.
Begin to accept others as they are and focus on working on you. What we resist and try to control, will persist. We cannot change others. Criticism isn’t going to change anyone including ourselves. It will push them further away and have the opposite impact.
Know the difference between criticism and feedback. We can tell someone how we feel and speak our truth without attacking someone else or putting them down. We can share how we feel out of love and coming from a place of grace. When we are trying to be “right,” then we are more likely to be critical of another person. We want to feel heard and understood.

We can only change ourselves. Take steps today to end criticism patterns. It will change your life!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

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03.29.21

Losing Yourself: Steps to Getting You Back

losing Yourself: Steps to Getting You Back

It seems like we are living in a society focused on material possessions, being busy, achieving, money, beauty, and getting our worth and value from others. We are losing ourselves in being constantly on the go and busy from one activity or work-related event to another.

There are some key questions to ask yourself and assess whether or not you are losing yourself in the process.

Do you sometimes feel like you are filling a black hole by trying to be everything to everyone or keep up with what everyone else is doing?
Do you feel like no matter how much you achieve, do or buy, it still doesn’t help you feel good enough or worthy?
Are you so busy you don’t have time to be still, get quiet or connect to God?
Do you feel like you are in the weeds, in other words, so busy you can’t see straight and have nothing left to give to yourself and family?
Do you have time to reflect, grow and learn?

We are in a society that focuses on being busy and going from one thing to the next. We have many distractions that don’t allow us to stop, learn and get centered in who we are and what we value. Below are five steps to help you change this pattern.

Make time for you. If we are neglecting ourselves, then it’s hard to give back to others. Some of us received the message that self-care is “self-fish.” That is simply false. When we are taking care of ourselves, we are able to give for the reasons that feel good to us – not to gain someone else’s approval so we feel worthy. Often, quiet time is one of the most enriching experiences because we can become more centered in what we value.
Stop before you say “yes.” The next time you are asked to do something, stop and respond with, “Let me think about it and I will get back to you.” This allows you time and space to see if it aligns with what truly matters to you.
Don’t compare yourself to what everyone else is doing. We completely lose ourselves when we are focused on what others are doing. When we stay true to who we are, we live a more fulfilling life.
Figure out the why. Try to understand why you keep busy. Is it a deflection to dealing with feelings, pain or hurt? This will often keep us from doing the internal work we need to do in order to heal.
Be who you are. Don’t try to be someone you are not to fit in and belong. You will end up feeling even more alone and stuck.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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03.23.21

Eliminating “Should” And “But” From Our Vocabulary

Eliminating "Should" and "But" From Our Vocabulary

How many times do you think or say the word “should” or “but”? How often are you saying or thinking it? Think about times when you have thought or said, I should have called them or shouldn’t have said or done that. Or, maybe, you have tried to empathize with someone by saying, “I understand what you are saying, but you…” When we say the word “but,” it’s like an eraser to what you just said at the beginning. And, it’s not the nicest sounding word in the dictionary.

Let’s take a look at the word “should.” It’s often used as a weapon of mass destruction toward ourselves or someone else. You may have a lot of internal self-talk using it. We “should” ourselves to the point it adds to anxiety, depression and a low sense of self-worth. We learned this word early in life either by our parents, primary caregivers or, perhaps, at school. It quickly became part of our thought process and a way of self-correctly. It has evolved into developing guilt and shame. It can keep us stuck in our thoughts instead of taking action.

We try to validate or empathize with someone at the beginning of a sentence and then follow it with a “but” to communicate what we want to say. For example, “I really love you and appreciate you cleaned up the dishes, but you didn’t load them in the dishwasher right.” It often communicates a sense of devaluing what the other person feels and ends up not validating, empathizing or expressing our appreciation. The other person just hears the part after the “but…”

There are a few steps to begin eliminating should and but from your vocabulary and replacing them with more helpful, powerful words.

Be aware of your thoughts. Keep a journal. A journal really allows insightful processing of our thoughts, feelings and the deeper meaning behind where our thoughts might have originated from. It’s a way of not stuffing things and getting them out.

Notice when and how you use the words should and but. How are you using them in your daily life? Are you using them often? When do you notice that you use them the most? Do you see a pattern?

Begin replacing the word should with want. Make an effort to replace should with want during your thought process. How does it replace the meaning for you or someone else?

Start using the word “and” instead of but. Rather than “but” try saying “and.” Notice how it feels different and how another person responds when you change your words. It really does change the meaning.

Changing a few words in your self-talk and to others can really change a relationship. It can be a game changer.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

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03.09.21

Do You Take Things Too Personally?

How many times does someone say or do something that really hurts yet when you stop and think about it, the situation seems as if it’s not about you – it’s about them? Do you feel like you take things too personally? Do you feel like you start blaming yourself for things that aren’t really your fault or responsibility? Do your feelings get hurt easily? If you said “yes” to any of these questions, that means there is something to unpack here.

Pictures and metaphors help us look at things from another angle or perspective. So, imagine everyone carrying a suitcase filled with different issues – some might have more in their suitcases than others. However, everyone has something they are dealing with in their life. We might not be able to see it from the surface.

There is no such thing as a “perfect” life. We all have feelings that get triggered based on things or situations that come up in our lives. The feelings might get stirred up by different situations or people. So, when you look around, think about what is really in your suitcase versus what really isn’t about you. It’s something related to the other person's suitcase or issues.

Look inside your suitcase to understand your issues. This is the first and most important step. What are your feelings, choices and behaviors? Take ownership and responsibility for your issues, choices and feelings. Blaming others only prolongs the healing process and delays your own growth and moving forward in your life. Figure out how you might have contributed to the situation and let go of the rest.
Examine the situation. Peel back the onion and look at what is really going on. Ask questions. Maybe something else is going on that has nothing to do with you. You might have triggered the other person’s pain or happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Talk to someone safe. It can be extremely powerful to process the situation with someone else to get an outside perspective. They might see something that you are not able to see. Be ready for the feedback and, again, look within.

Everyone is in your life for a reason. Try to figure out what lesson you are supposed to learn or the gift this person brings to your life. Breathe and let the rest go.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

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02.09.21

The People Pleasing Disease

Do you say “yes” often to be nice or because you feel bad or guilty for saying no? After you said yes, do you feel frustrated, upset or mad you didn’t say “no”?

People pleasers worry about what other people think, spend a lot of time doing things for others, and rarely do things for themselves—or feel guilty when they do.

Why do we people please? Often, it’s because we don’t feel good enough ourselves. It’s a basic human need to feel loved, worthy and to matter. We want to be liked and valued.

Constantly trying to please others is draining. People pleasers often feel anxious and exhausted.

People pleasing is the ultimate barrier to becoming more of who we are. It’s a block to understanding ourselves. Pleasers are too busy trying to make everyone else like them or happy that they forget about themselves and who they really are. They can lose sight about what really is important in their lives.

The disease to please is a way to distract yourself from feeling. It can be a mask that covers pain. It can hide your feelings from others and yourself. By keeping busy, we don’t have to deal with the hurt.

It is possible to change this pattern and reduce the tendency to please others. Here are some suggestions.

Saying no is saying yes to you. Practice saying no. Remember to pause and take a breath before responding to a request. You might say, “I need to think about it first—I’ll get back to you” or “Let me check my schedule and call you back.” Use any phrase you like that gives you time before you automatically respond.
Write a list of your priorities and what is important to you. Before making a decision, review your list and then respond.
Check in with how you feel and what you are thinking. Then try saying what you feel and think more often.

Many people pleasers believe they will not be liked if they stop doing things for others and say no. If someone stops liking you because you don’t do what they want, you probably don’t want them as a friend anyway. People will like you for who you are and not simply for what you do or don’t do.

You deserve time for yourself and what matters to you, and it’s within your reach to change—one small step at a time.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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01.19.21

Marriage is a Mirror

Marriage is a Mirror

Do you feel unhappy in your marriage? Do you wish your partner would change? Have you found yourself wishing your partner would meet your needs? Do you wish your partner would grow up or wake up? If you answered yes to any of these questions you are not alone.

It’s important to begin with a fact. We cannot change someone else no matter how much we try. We can’t make someone want to change no matter what we say or do. They have to want to grow and do their own work. We spend a lot of lost time trying to get someone to see the light.

Couples therapy is not about fixing someone in the relationship. It’s about each partner getting curious about their own triggers, their behavior and taking ownership for growing and learning a healthier way to show up. Marriages, along with parenthood, mirror back deeper issues for us to explore.

Begin by working on you. All change first has to start with you. Write out what you want to work on and why you want to work on them. Take ownership for your needs and emotions.
Your worth or value doesn’t come from someone else. Your security has to come from within. Often if we didn’t get our needs met earlier in life, we look to someone else to heal the pain of the past. We project our needs onto our partner and when they don’t meet them, it recreates the same unhealthy cycle.
Don’t push down your feelings or bury your pain. If we don’t feel, we don’t heal. We have to learn to deal with feelings and not numb or bury our pain. We look to our partner to make things better or heal our hurt. Journaling is an excellent way to process through them and gain insight into our behavior.
Keep in mind it is never too late to begin this journey. It leads to freedom, joy and the ability to cope with hard things in life. Go within to find the healing instead of looking on the outside.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

01.12.21

New Year Means New Beginnings

New Year Means New Beginnings

The new year often brings a chance for new beginnings and an opportunity to focus on what really matters. We can set new intentions and create an action plan to make change in our life. It’s a chance to rethink old patterns and establish better ones. It’s a chance to really get clear on what you want, which leads to better health and more happiness.

Sometimes we want to make changes, but don’t know where to begin. Below are a few suggestions to get the ball rolling.

Figure out who you are and what you are passionate about. Take time to write down a description of you and what you get excited about. What do you feel passionate about? What really matters to you? What is your highest value? For example, you may discover you are not taking care of yourself. So, you may want to think about what you are going to do to take care of yourself such as getting a massage, walking three times a week or getting more connected spiritually. Maybe you have always loved tennis or painting and want to create more time for them this year.

2. Work through issues from the past. Sometimes we let our past have a lot of power over us. It can keep us stuck in anger and resentment. In order to eliminate roadblocks, it is extremely important to work through past issues or hurts. This gives us clarity and freedom to let go and move on. It means facing the pain of the past and moving through the feelings that go along with it.

3. Get outside your comfort zone. Change can be uncomfortable and hard. It’s like writing with the opposite hand. So if you’re right-handed, it will be extremely uncomfortable to write with the left hand. However, you are going to grow and evolve. After a while, you will get more used to it and it won’t be so uncomfortable. Move into the fear. Don’t let the fear dominate your thinking and keep you from getting what you want in your life.

4. Write out an action plan. This is an important step. What are the things you need to do in order to make a change? Do you need to change your routine? Follow the plan for 21 days consecutively. Research indicates the change is more likely to stick.

5. Give to others. Start your day with gratitude and thinking about how you can make a difference in the world. Change starts with one person at a time – let it start with you!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

12.29.20

Top 10 Most Downloaded Close the Chapter Podcast Episodes in 2020

Top 10 Most Downloaded Close the Chapter Podcast Episodes in 2020

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued support of the Close the Chapter Podcast! It’s hard to believe the first episode aired on April 22, 2019. We have released over 89 solo and guest episodes.

My mission and goal for the podcast was and continues to be helping you find powerful, practical and purposeful tools and information to begin transforming your life. And, I want to help change the global conversation around mental health. I hope it provides extra encouragement, support and inspiration to keep doing the hard work of healing, improving your sense of worth and value, and making sustainable changes.

By subscribing, writing meaningful reviews, sharing episodes and posting on social media, you are making a huge difference.

Relationships with yourself and others are the most important work we can do. By learning how to have more authentic and vulnerable conversations, you begin to create inner peace, calm, clarity, contentment and compassion.

When you feel sad, lonely, anxious, afraid, angry, joyful or excited, tune into an episode based on what you might need or just binge listen instead of watching a show. I’m available 24-7 on any podcast platform. 🙂

Below are the 10 most downloaded episodes.

Make a commitment to take care of yourself. I’m here to cheer you on!

#1 - Episode 47 - Healing From Childhood Emotional Neglect with Dr. Jonice Webb

#2 - Episode 28 - It's Not Always Depression with Hilary Jacobs Hendel

#3 - Episode 20 - Codependency with Terri Cole

#4 - Episode 1 - Become the Real Authentic YOU

#5 - Episode 31 - Healing the Inner Child with Rachel Hall, LMHC

#6 - Episode 46 - Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free with Nancy Levin

#7 - Episode 17 - Abandonment Issues

#8 - Episode 30 - Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Self-doubt with Lara Riggio

#9 - Episode 42 - Breaking Up With Sugar with Molly Carmel

#10 - Episode 48 - Communication Skills That Will Change Your Life

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.