Author: Kristen

Managing Our Triggers

Managing Our Triggers | 8.10.2021

What are your triggers? Have you ever responded with anger by yelling or being short with someone and then feel terrible or guilty because you have no idea what just happened? If so, chances are you were triggered by something. 

We all have stressors in our lives. What turns a stressor into a trigger is the level of your reaction. When you overreact to something or someone, it is generally because of an internal trigger. They are created by emotional events in your past that have meaning to you and are often subconscious.  

Our brain stores circumstances we have lived through, which become our stories. It also stores lessons learned, which are our beliefs, and it applies meaning to circumstances, which create our feelings. Then, when something happens in the present moment that feels similar to the past event, it’s overwhelming. Our brain sends a cascade of chemicals throughout our body creating a fight or flight reaction. 

As long as you are unaware you are being triggered, your responses remain outside your conscious control and may result in damaged relationships or lost jobs.

The good news is once you become aware of your hot buttons or triggers then you are able to understand and shift to create a different response. It’s important to note when you are hungry, angry, lonely, tired, bored or scared, you are more vulnerable to being triggered. 

Here are some helpful steps to manage your triggers:

  • Identify and notice your triggers: Identify and write down a list of people, things and events that bring about a deep emotional response within you.  If we have a certain level of awareness, we will then notice a change in our body somewhere. For example, we might have some tightness in the chest, lump in the throat, stir in the stomach, sweaty palms or racing heart. Our bodies can be the first signal or communication that we are being triggered. We might not like what we are hearing, seeing or experiencing. 
  • Pause and breathe: Once you recognize you are getting triggered, take the opportunity to pause and simply breathe. This gives you some separation from the trigger and allows you to recognize it and not immediately react. 
  • Explore the trigger: When you have time, sit down and ask yourself some key questions like the following:
    • What exactly started the trigger (words, actions, experience, smell, tone of voice)?
    • What is it about that situation or person that triggers me?
    • What is my story about it?
    • Have I ever been triggered by this or something similar in the past?
    • Where might the pattern come from?

So, the next time you overreact, stop, breathe and become aware of your triggers.  You can work through and conquer them.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Final Step to Healing

Final Step to Healing | 7.19.2021

Is there someone you need to forgive? Maybe you need to forgive yourself, a family member, friend, neighbor or even an abuser. Forgiveness does not mean you condone their choices or agree with their actions. It doesn’t mean you will forget what happened. 

Many people think if they forgive someone, it makes what they did okay or somehow they are agreeing with what was done to them. Forgiveness really is about taking back your power, letting go of the pain and hurt, and living a life with more peace, joy and happiness.

Forgiveness is a process – a journey. For certain people and circumstances, it happens fairly quickly, while others may take years to move on. If we hold onto the hurt, anger, bitterness and resentment over years, it begins to take a toll on our bodies, mind and spirit and our relationships. It becomes the block to connection to others and ourselves. 

I really love this quote from Catherine Ponder, “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” This really sums up what forgiveness can do for your life.

How do you begin the healing process? Below are a few steps that may help you move closer to forgiving. 

  1. Recognize and own your feelings. How does it feel to hold onto the feelings that come with not forgiving? How have these served you in your life? As you recognize your feelings, the healing process can begin.
  2. Look at how lack of forgiveness has impacted your personal and professional relationships. How has this affected your ability to trust and connect with others? Have you been the victim and now want to take back your power? Have you allowed the past to determine your future? 
  3. Focus on what’s in it for you. Remind yourself that forgiving can free you to move on with your life and set you free. Tell yourself that the point is to reduce angst.  
  4. Turn the details of your story around. Victims don’t have control of their lives yet heroes do. So make yourself the hero of your own saga. Another way to think of this is that although someone may have precipitated your misery, whether or not you stay miserable is entirely up to you.
  5. Write a letter to the person you feel harmed or hurt you and then let it go. You can either burn it or send it. It can be the final step to letting go. 

Lewis B. Smedes said, “You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.” This is the ultimate goal of forgiveness.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Give Back and Change Your Life

Give Back & Change Your Life  | 07.06.2021

When you are sad, down or feel depressed, how do you handle it? Do you sit and dwell in it or simply feel like a victim of your circumstances? Do you cry and get it out? Do you do something for someone else? Or, perhaps, you do a little of everything. 

One of the most powerful and helpful ways to move through pain, hurt, sorrow or sadness and shift, is to first let yourself move through your feelings and then do something to help someone else. Focusing on someone else helps you put things in perspective and turns your pain into gain not only for you but for others. 

Many research studies have proven that helping others regularly is essential to bettering your well-being, moderating mood swings and boosting your immune system.

Volunteering or giving back doesn’t have to be something “big” or overwhelming. It can be as simple as a smile, hug, calling a friend that you just thought about, sending a card to someone going through a difficult time or really listening and being with someone in need. You might feel called to volunteer at a soup kitchen, focus on recycling, offer to mow your neighbor’s grass or start a new community project.  What you do doesn’t matter as long as you feel like you are contributing by helping others.

Maybe you’ve had an idea or a way you have wanted to make a difference yet you never felt you had the time or didn’t make the time. This could be just the perfect opportunity to make a difference while turning your hurt into greater good. 

I have always loved the “pay it forward” concept. “You don’t need much to change the world for the better. You can start with most ordinary ingredients. You can start with the world you’ve got.” This quote is from the 2000 movie, Pay It Forward. 

Have you ever purchased coffee or gone through a drive thru and the person in front of you paid your bill? It’s a meaningful way for your contribution to spread wings and stretch further. It’s about paying it forward.

Everyone experiences life’s peaks and valleys.  The way we choose to handle these ups and downs is what really matters. Focusing on others during your next down moment can help make the world a better place and might possibly be the best way for you to move out of that valley and into the next happy time in your life. So, think about how you can pay it forward today.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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What Are You Stuffing?

What Are You Stuffing? | 6.29.2021

Do you communicate how you feel or what might be upsetting or bothering you? Or, do you keep it inside and stuff it until you blow up with anger, feel depressed or highly anxious?  Are you the type of person that tries to let things roll off your back? Do you think to yourself, “Just get over it. The situation isn’t that bad. People don’t want to hear about my problems?” Maybe you think you are talking about how you feel yet when you stop and think about it, you really aren’t. 

It’s extremely important to communicate how you feel to safe people. Why it is important? Because if we keep things bottled up inside, they manifest in other ways such as physical issues like high blood pressure, headaches or stomachaches. If we stuff our emotions and then blow up in a fit of rage, it often causes major issues in relationships. It may lead to ending a relationship causing major emotional pain and distress. 

You may have learned a pattern at a very early in your childhood to not express your emotions because if you did, then there was a “price” to pay. Therefore, you learned to stuff how you felt about things. It is common to have developed this pattern growing up. If you want to change this pattern, it is completely possible to work through. It begins with a desire and willingness to look at you.

Below are a few suggestions to work on creating a healthy way of dealing with your emotions. 

  1. Take a deep breath and notice what how your body feels. Our bodies store emotions. They tell us something is not in alignment. Notice where you hurt (e.g., headache, stomachache, back ache). 
  2. Identify what you are feeling. Some people aren’t even sure how to know what they are feeling. Start with trying to identify the basic emotions such as happy, sad, mad and then branch out into guilty, shame, fear, etc. 
  3. Communicate it. I recommend using this structure to get started. “I feel sad (or whatever feeling you are experiencing) when you (fill in the blank) because I need or want (communicate what you need).” 
  4. Figure out your fear underneath your feelings. I believe we operate from a place of either fear or love. Try and identify what you are afraid of and communicate your fear. This can help make sense of what is really going on underneath your feelings. 

You can break the cycle and change the pattern by looking within for the answers and then sharing how you feel with someone safe.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Exploring Your Past to Live in the Present

Exploring Your Past to Live in the Present
| 6.15.2021

What was it like growing up in your family? What did you learn about yourself and how to relate to others? How has it impacted the decisions you make today? What were some defining moments?

In order to create understanding into who you are and why you make certain choices, it’s important to look at your family of origin. This refers to the significant caretakers and siblings that you grow up with, or the first social group you belong to, which often is your family.

Our early experiences have a major influence on how we see ourselves, others and the world and how we cope and function in our daily lives. They heavily influence our key choices such as selecting a partner, how you parent and in our personal and professional relationships.

Sometimes you have to go backwards in order to go forward. Many people don’t want to look at the past because they want to forget it, they don’t think it really matters or they don’t want to be victims of the past. It’s not to get stuck, blame, dwell or be a victim of the past, rather it’s to create understanding and awareness about you and why you think and act the way you do.

Anxiety, depression, anger, fear and recurrent relationship problems are often tied to unresolved or unconscious issues from the past. Our family taught us how to interact and communicate, how to manage our emotions and meet our needs. Most of our values, beliefs and our sense of self originate from our parents or primary caregivers.

Once we have awareness and become conscious of our choices, we can make changes that can lead to more clarity, happiness and peace.

Here are some helpful suggestions to get you started:

Create a timeline. List all the significant events and circumstances that have happened in your life. Think about things that had a major impact on who you are such as moves, parental separation, accidents, traumas, deaths, key relationships, etc.

Journal about key memories and experiences that come up for you when thinking about your childhood.

Talk with a safe person that can help you process, explore and work through your early experiences.

Remember, no family is perfect. We do the best we can with what we know. This process takes time; however, it is valuable in facing and overcoming fears and changing unhealthy relationship patterns. It helps you achieve deeper understanding and peace so you can move forward.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Confrontation: Love or Hate It?

Confrontation: Love or Hate It?

How do you feel about confronting others or maybe confronting your own issues? Do you tend to run away from confrontation and avoid conflict? If you do tend to shy away from conflict, what is your fear about it? Or, do you hit it head on and move towards it? How does it impact your relationships? It’s important to take a look and really dig deep on how you deal with difficult feelings and issues. 

The word “confrontation” brings up many different meanings, often people associate being “confrontive” as negative. I encourage you to look at it differently, and to look at it in terms of exploring how you face issues in your life. Do you tend to run away from stuff or ignore them? Or, do you acknowledge and work through them? How do you deal with your feelings? Do you express or suppress them? 

Why is this important? If you don’t deal directly with issues, feelings or challenges in your life, then they can manifest in different ways such as depression, anxiety, fear or physical illness. Sometimes people just feel stuck. Maybe it’s because there is something from the past or present to confront, deal with head on and, ultimately, move on. The payoff is you gain more peace about the situation and, most importantly, yourself. 

We are all human beings with feelings and experiences. There is no such thing as a perfect person or relationship. Everyone has something that triggers or upsets them. In order to gain a sense of self, it’s important to begin dealing with your feelings and confront issues in your life. Below are a few ways to begin confronting yourself or someone else. 

  1. Acknowledge your feelings and possible areas for improvement. We can all grow, learn and become a better version of ourselves. In order to do this, we must take a look at what it is we want to confront and work to improve it.  We don’t want to dwell, blame or get stuck in the past, but to explore it and create understanding and insight. 
  2. Take responsibility for your part. Look at the parts of the situation you can own. Is it all your issue or just certain parts? Don’t take on issues that don’t belong to you. It might be someone else’s issue and not yours to own. 
  3. Communicate how you feel. It’s so important we share how we feel by using “I” statements such as “I feel sad when you don’t return my calls for days.” Telling someone how you feel is not about them, it’s about you. Let go of the expectations of others and say what you need to say. It’s about your own healing.

 

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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The Value of Validation

The Value of Validation

It’s a basic human need to want to feel significant, safe, important, understood and valued. We want to be and feel heard. It’s important to use this with your partner, children, friends, family and any other relationships in your life.

First, let’s understand what validation means. It’s accepting someone’s feelings. It is to really understand where they are coming from. When we validate someone, we acknowledge and accept their uniqueness and individuality. A big misconception is to think that if we validate someone, then they are going to think we completely agree with them. This is not true. It simply means I get you. I understand what you are feeling and saying. Invalidation is the opposite. It comes from a place of being right and judgment. The person doesn’t feel close and connected to you. They feel shutdown and disconnected.

It starts first with hearing and validating others. Often, we don’t learn this growing up, yet we have a need to experience to feel heard and validated. The good news is it’s a skill we can learn. If there is conflict, it can be because walls of invalidation have been built. Ultimately, validation allows someone to feel safe and encouraged to express their feelings. It will build stronger and deeper connections. 

Below are some steps to begin using validation immediately.

  1. Work on your own judgments and feelings. Work through your own hurt and pain. Perhaps, this is in the way of really connecting with others. Be in an accepting and open space.
  2. Listen with your eyes, ears and body. Face the person and make eye contact. Notice your body language and if you are open to really hearing them. Be present with them. No texting, using your computer or doing something else while you are with them. Allow the person to safely share their thoughts and feelings without judgment or blame. 
  3. Mirror back what you heard. For example, “What I heard you say is…” You are repeating or paraphrasing what you heard. You will notice someone nodding or saying, “Yes. Exactly.” They are feeling heard. This shows them we care and are in tune with them.
  4. Use short phrases to show you understand. For instance, you might say any of these statements, “I can understand how you feel. It sounds like you are really feeling _____. It sounds like ____is really important to you. It makes sense how you feel.”
  5. Don’t give advice. Most of us truly want to help others. We don’t know how to help. We start giving advice, as our parents did us. If you just validate someone, they are able to work out their own emotional issues faster than giving them advice.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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The Psychology of Facebook

The Psychology of Facebook

Facebook. What comes up for you when you hear this word? Do you feel excited, afraid, annoyed, irritated, thankful, unworthy, anxious, or a combination of emotions?  

Facebook certainly continues to be a heated topic of conversation that brings much debate. There are many different feelings and thoughts about Facebook and its impact on our culture.  I am fascinated by it from a psychological perspective.  

On one hand, it can be a nice way to connect with others you have not seen in a while or that live far away. It allows us to see family and personal photos and hear the latest news in others’ lives.  Facebook can be a quick way to share information to large groups of people. 

Facebook brings out curiosity factor. Learning about others can be fun and interesting. 

It also has some drawbacks.  It sometimes causes feelings of unworthiness when comparing ourselves to others in terms of looks, traveled destinations, spouses, families, number of friends and so on.  You can create a false picture of what is really happening in your life and the lives of others – people can wear masks. By what people post, it can create a picture of a “perfect” world when their life is quite the opposite in reality. It creates a false sense of connection. 

Facebook can be seen as exploiting the ache to belong. Have you or someone you know been in a situation where you were asked, “Really? You don’t have an account on Facebook? Why not?” 

Finally, Facebook can become a serious addiction. It can take away from your priorities and cause serious relationship issues. 

Facebook is not an inherently “bad” thing.  There are many parts that help people connect and keep in touch.  However, there may be a problem if Facebook is running you instead of vice versa and if you do not have appropriate boundaries around it.

Here are some important questions if you use Facebook:

  • How much time do you spend on it a day, week or month? 
  • Do you feel yourself wanting or even needing to check it often? 
  • Do you have the app loaded on your phone and check it while driving?
  • Is it taking time away from your family and other priorities in your life?
  • How do your boundaries play a role in your Facebook usage? 
  • Are you married or in a committed partnership and having inappropriate relationships with others?
  • Do you not want to talk to people in person because you prefer to “connect” on Facebook?

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Key Ingredient to Successful Relationships

Key Ingredient to Successful Relationships

How would you rate your relationship or marriage? How much time do you spend on your relationship? Are you too busy to really sit down and connect? Are you focused on other things like work, children, hobbies or fill in the blank? Maybe you have just given up. 

One reason for marital breakdowns in our country is that people don’t spend enough time together. People feel like they have grown apart. If love dwindles, it is because the relationship wasn’t a priority. 

In the United States, 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. How do you feel when you read these statistics? 

Couples don’t seek help until they have been experiencing problems in their relationship for an average of seven years. We are busy with other things that we simply neglect our spouse or partner and the relationship. It falls off our “to do” list. 

Ultimately, I believe we all want and need to feel loved, valued, connected and worthy. We are born relational. Yet, relationships are some of the most challenging aspects of our lives. Here are some strategies to connect with your partner and rekindle your relationship:

  • Sit down as a couple and write out the vision for your relationship. What do you want? What matters to you?
  • Make your relationship a priority. Make a date night at least once every other week. Put it on the calendar, secure a babysitter and commit to making it happen. 
  • Dig deep and identify your fears. What are you most afraid of? Abandonment. Not being loved. Being controlled. Losing a part of you in the relationship. Whatever it is, identify it and try and understand where it comes from.
  • Never underestimate the power of long and meaningful conversations. Conversations don’t mean small talk. It means having talks about things that are important to you and your relationship. The more you communicate, the happier you will find yourself in the relationship.
  • When you do communicate, it’s important to have good communication skills. Step into your partner’s world. Try to see things from their perspective.
  • Turn off your computer, cell phone and all electronic devices. These can be barriers and distractions to true connection. When you shut them down, your partner becomes the priority.
  • Seek help with a professional, if necessary. It’s never too late to work on yourself and your relationship. If you don’t try to work on it, you might live with regret that you didn’t give it your all.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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The Criticism Epidemic

The Criticism Epidemic

How often do you feel criticized by your partner, children, co-worker, boss, friend or parent? Do you feel like you are never good enough no matter what you do? Do you feel like you will not live up to someone else’s expectations of you? Are you critical of yourself and others? 

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, to criticize means to find fault with or point out faults.  Criticism is like cancer in relationships and can tear them apart. Self-criticism leads to feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy. If we are hard on ourselves, we tend to be hard on others. 

Why do you criticize? Is it to get people to change or do things your way? Is it because you feel powerless inside and not good enough? Is it because you feel you know better than the other person? Is it a way to manage your anxiety, fear and hurt? Does it create a barrier to getting close with others? The answer may be “yes” to several of these questions. 

Below are some immediate steps you can take to shift from being less critical and to becoming more accepting and peaceful. 

  1. Explore when you started being critical. Was someone critical of you early in your life such as a parent, boss, friend or partner and now you are continuing that pattern in your personal life? Do you have black and white thinking? Will you argue to win and be right? Ask yourself whether you would rather be right or in a connected relationship. Needing to be right is a relationship killer. 
  2. Stop and think before you speak. Be mindful about what you are thinking and whether or not there is value in saying it. Begin to look at why you are being critical and the purpose it serves in your life.  
  3. Begin to accept others as they are and focus on working on you. What we resist and try to control, will persist. We cannot change others. Criticism isn’t going to change anyone including ourselves. It will push them further away and have the opposite impact. 
  4. Know the difference between criticism and feedback. We can tell someone how we feel and speak our truth without attacking someone else or putting them down. We can share how we feel out of love and coming from a place of grace. When we are trying to be “right,” then we are more likely to be critical of another person. We want to feel heard and understood.

We can only change ourselves. Take steps today to end criticism patterns. It will change your life!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

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