Author: Kristen

Did You Grow Up Too Fast? Understanding the Hidden Impact of Being a Parentified Child

Did You Grow Up Too Fast? Understanding the Hidden Impact of Being a Parentified Child

Did you grow up feeling like the adult in the room when you were still just a kid?

Maybe your parent leaned on you emotionally. Maybe you helped raise your siblings.

You might’ve been called “mature for your age.” Or “you’re so responsible.” And maybe you were. But that doesn't mean it was okay. It does not mean it didn’t cost you something.

If any of that sounds familiar, chances are, you were a parentified child.

Parentification can quietly shape how you see yourself and your worth. And it doesn’t always stop when childhood ends. It can follow you into adulthood, showing up as anxiety, burnout, people-pleasing, or feeling like your needs are just too much.

What Does It Mean to Be a Parentified Child?

Parentification happens when a child steps into responsibilities emotionally or practically that belong to an adult.

Instead of being cared for, the child becomes the one doing the caretaking. It’s a shift in roles that often starts subtly and becomes the child’s “normal.”

It can look like:

  • Comforting a parent when they are overwhelmed
  • Often taking care of siblings
  • Managing the emotional climate of the household
  • Suppressing your own needs to keep others calm

Children do what they need to do to feel safe and connected. Sometimes that means becoming overly responsible far too soon.

Two Types of Parentification

Emotional Parentification

The child becomes the emotional support for a parent. You might have heard adult problems, offered comfort, or felt like it was your job to make the parent feel better. Over time, you learn your feelings come second, or not at all.

Instrumental Parentification

This shows up as practical responsibilities. Maybe you cooked, cleaned, got your siblings ready, or handled things that most kids your age didn’t. The load may have looked manageable from the outside, but inside, it likely felt like pressure and stress.

Why Does Parentification Happen?

Sometimes it’s rooted in a parent’s own trauma, grief, or emotional pain. Other times, it’s circumstantial, like divorce, addiction, or chronic illness in the family.

The parent may not have had support. They might have been doing the best they could. But even unintentional parentification can leave a lasting emotional imprint.

Signs You Were a Parentified Child

Here are some common signs you may have experienced parentification:

  • You felt responsible for others' emotions
  • You were involved in adult conversations or decisions
  • You were praised for being mature or “easy”
  • You often put others’ needs before your own
  • You feel guilt or anxiety when asking for help
  • You still tend to play the caretaker in relationships
  • You don’t remember feeling carefree or emotionally safe as a child

If you see yourself in this, it’s okay. These patterns likely helped you survive. Now, you get to explore how to soften them and reconnect with your own needs.

How It Shows Up in Adulthood

As an adult, parentification can affect:

  • Your ability to rest or relax without guilt
  • How you connect in relationships
  • Whether or not you feel safe asking for help
  • Your ability to identify your own needs or emotions
  • How much you trust others, or rely only on yourself

You may feel deeply empathetic, but exhausted. You may care deeply for others, but struggle to care for yourself. These aren’t flaws. These are wounds that deserve tending.

Beginning the Healing Process

Healing starts by reconnecting with the parts of yourself that had to grow up too fast.

1. Acknowledge What Happened

You can name the experience without blaming. Saying “I was given too much too soon” can be the first step in making space for your own healing.

2. Listen to Your Inner Child

Start asking, “What did I need back then that I didn’t get?” Emotional safety? Freedom to play? Less responsibility?

3. Practice Reparenting

This could look like:

  • Allowing rest
  • Journaling what you feel
  • Setting boundaries that honor your limits
  • Letting yourself say no without over-explaining
  • Reminding yourself, “My needs matter too.”

4. Get Support

Therapy, especially modalities like EMDR, brainspotting, or inner child work, can help you.

You Deserve Care

You don’t have to be the fixer. You don’t have to carry everyone’s pain to be loved.

You deserve rest. You deserve safety. You deserve to feel nurtured, not just needed.

You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to need things.
You are allowed to let go of roles that were never yours to begin with.

Want More Support?

Book to read: Homecoming by Dr. John Bradshaw—one of my favorite resources on inner child healing.

Join the newsletter for free journal prompts and healing tools.

You’re doing brave work by even reading this. And I’m so glad you’re here.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

Dive a little deeper into this topic below

The Myth of Closure: What If We’re Not Meant to “Get Over” Grief?

The Myth of Closure: What If We’re Not Meant to “Get Over” Grief?

We all want some kind of finish line, don’t we?

It’s totally human. When we’re in pain, we just want to know there’s an end to it. We want a clear roadmap.

But if you’ve ever actually lost someone, a parent, a partner, a child, a marriage, a version of yourself — you know it doesn’t work like that. Closure isn’t always possible. And, honestly, it’s not even the point.

This came up in a conversation I had with Dr. Pauline Boss. She coined the term ambiguous loss and literally wrote the book The Myth of Closure. What she said landed so clearly, “You don’t get over it. You learn to live with it.”

You live with it. Not in a tragic, forever-heartbroken kind of way rather in an honest, human and I carry this now kind of way.

Some Losses Are Obvious. Others Are Invisible.

We usually know how to respond to what’s called clear loss, which is when someone dies, there's a funeral, and people show up with casseroles and condolences.

But there’s another kind of loss most of us go through at some point, and it’s way less understood: ambiguous loss. That’s the kind of grief that comes with no goodbye, no body, no death certificate. Like when a loved one has dementia. Or when a parent walks away but doesn’t actually disappear. When a relationship ends, but you're still entangled.

It’s that feeling of someone being here and gone at the same time — and your brain doesn’t know how to make peace with that.

This kind of grief doesn’t show up in obvious ways. It lingers. It’s confusing. It gets misdiagnosed or dismissed. But as Pauline Boss has shown again and again in her work, just naming it can bring huge relief. You realize, Ohhh... this is why I feel stuck. This is why it’s so hard.

You’re Not Broken. You’re Grieving.

One story Pauline shared really stuck with me. After her husband died, she went in for a routine doctor’s appointment. The nurse asked, “Are you depressed?” And she said, “No, I’m grieving.” But that wasn’t an option on the form.

So they asked again.
And again, she said, “I’m not depressed. I’m grieving.”
Still — no checkbox.

It says everything about how we treat loss in our culture. We want it to look tidy. Treatable. But grief isn’t a diagnosis. It’s a natural, human response to losing someone or something that mattered deeply.

So if you’ve been asking yourself, “What’s wrong with me?”
Maybe you’re just grieving and no one taught you what that looks like.

The Five Stages Aren’t a Roadmap

You may have heard about the five stages of grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Maybe someone even handed them to you after a loss like, “Here’s what you can expect.” And sure, they can give us language for what we’re feeling. 

But grief doesn’t follow a checklist. It’s not neat or orderly. And even Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who first introduced those stages, said later in her life. “It’s messier than that.”

She never intended the stages to be used as a rigid timeline. In fact, she clarified that people don’t move through them in any set order and that they weren’t just about grief after death, but about all kinds of loss.

If Not Closure, Then What Helps?

If closure isn’t realistic, what’s the alternative? How do we keep moving forward when the grief stays with us?

  1. Find meaning.
    Not why it happened. That question can make us spiral. But what can you do with it? Maybe it’s telling your story. Maybe it’s showing up for others. Maybe it’s making banana bread because baking gives your hands something to do when your heart can’t.
  2. Adjust control.
    When you can’t change the big thing, focus on the small ones. What can you still choose today? What can you create, move, name, clean, write, cook?
  3. Rebuild identity.
    Grief changes how you see yourself. You might not be someone’s spouse anymore. You might not be “mom” in the same way. That identity shift can feel like another loss. So give yourself time to ask, “Who am I now?”
  4. Name the ambivalence.
    You can be relieved and devastated. Angry and loyal. Grateful and grieving. Mixed emotions are normal, especially in ambiguous loss.
  5. Connect.
    Call someone. Text a friend. Join a book club. Talk. Grief needs witnesses.
  6. Create new hope.
    This isn’t about “getting over” it. It’s about finding something new to look forward to — a sense of purpose or possibility. Something that helps you wake up in the morning, even if it’s just getting outside or picking up a new book.

Both/And Thinking Is the Lifeline

This is one of my favorite ideas and it’s something Pauline teaches beautifully:

Both/and thinking.

  • I’m devastated AND I’m healing. 
  • They’re gone AND still with me. 
  • This hurts AND I’m finding joy again. 

It doesn’t cancel anything out. It makes room for the whole truth.

Grief lives in that tension where loss and love coexist, where sorrow and meaning hold hands. The goal isn’t to get to “either/or.” The goal is to let “both/and” be enough.

Closure Isn’t the Goal. Connection Is.

If you’ve been waiting to feel “done” with your grief — here’s your permission to stop waiting.

You don’t need closure.
You need truth.
You need people.
You need someone to say, “Yeah, this is hard. And no, you’re not crazy.”

Grief doesn’t end. But it changes. And you change with it.

You start to carry it differently with more steadiness, more softness, and sometimes even with joy.

You’re not doing it wrong.
You’re just grieving — honestly, imperfectly, beautifully.

And you’re not alone.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

Dive a little deeper into this topic below

Inner Child Work: Why It Changes Everything

Inner Child Work: Why It Changes Everything

Ever find yourself overreacting to something small and wondering, “Why did that hit so hard?” Or maybe you’ve felt needy just for having needs or guilty for wanting space.

That’s not you being dramatic. That’s your inner child trying to get your attention.

And when you start listening to that part of you—really listening? Everything shifts.

The more you understand your healing process, the more empowered you’re going to feel. Because this journey? It can feel really lonely. And I want you to know—I’m with you. Not as someone who’s “arrived,” but as someone doing this work, every single day, right alongside you.

You’re not just healing for you. You’re healing for your kids. Your partner. Your future grandkids. You’re the cycle breaker and that is no small thing.

So What Is Inner Child Work?

It’s not just some buzzword. Inner child work means tending to the parts of you—especially the younger parts—that didn’t get what they needed. It’s going back and offering love, safety, and empathy to those parts instead of ignoring or shaming them.

And no, it’s not about blaming your parents. It’s about understanding yourself. Because if you don’t look at those early experiences, they will keep running the show—quietly shaping how you react, relate, and feel.

Your triggers now are rooted in unmet needs then.

Your fear of being “too much”?

Your urge to shut down when someone’s upset?

Your guilt for resting, needing, or saying no?

All of that has roots.

What Inner Child Work Actually Does

1. It disrupts projection.

Instead of assuming what someone else is thinking (“They’re mad at me,” “I’m not good enough”), you start getting curious:

“What’s coming up in me right now?”

You stop assigning old stories to current people.

2. It helps you stop triangulating.

That means no more pulling others—especially kids—into adult dynamics that don’t belong to them. I’ve been there. My parents divorced when I was eight, and I got pulled into adult stuff that was never mine to carry. I love them deeply, and we’ve done a lot of repair, but the truth is: when we don’t do our own healing, our pain spills out sideways.

Inner child work stops that spill.

3. It softens shame and defense.

We all have protectors—anger, withdrawal, people-pleasing. But underneath those? Are wounded parts. And when you start caring for the parts underneath, you don’t need the armor as much.

How to Start Inner Child Work Today

You don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t need the perfect therapist or setup. You can start right where you are.

Here are 8 ways to begin:

  1. Create a Timeline: Write down major emotional moments in your life and how old you were. Start there.
  2. Track Your Triggers: When you’re upset, ask, “How old do I feel right now?”
  3. Write to Your Younger Self: No grammar rules. Just speak from the heart.
  4. Journal Regularly: Let the feelings come up. Don’t filter.
  5. Identify the Inner Voice: Whose voice is your inner critic? Is it even yours?
  6. Reparent in Real-Time: Start saying to yourself: “It’s okay. I’ve got you. You’re not alone.”
  7. Get Support: Therapy. A group. A friend who’s doing their own healing. You need people.
  8. Educate Yourself: Podcasts, books, resources. Learn how trauma, emotions, and healing actually work.

Last Thing I’ll Say

This work isn’t linear or neat but it is powerful. Loving yourself means reparenting the parts of you that were never fully seen. When you tend to your inner child, shame softens, and you stop dragging your past into every present moment.

You’re not selfish for having needs. You’re not broken because you’re still healing. You’re not behind. You’re brave. You’re doing the work.

So when that inner critic shows up, take a breath and gently say, “Sweetheart, you’re doing your best. I love you. We’ve got this.”

And if no one’s told you lately? I’m proud of you. Truly.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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What Is EMDR Therapy and How Can It Help You Heal?

What Is EMDR Therapy and How Can It Help You Heal?

Have you ever felt stuck like something from the past keeps replaying, and no matter how much you talk about it, it just won’t go away?

Maybe it shows up as anxiety that feels bigger than the moment. Or shame that hits out of nowhere. Or maybe your body reacts—tight chest, racing heart, shutting down—and you can’t explain why.

When something overwhelming doesn’t get fully processed—especially in childhood or trauma—it doesn’t just “go away.” It lives on in your body and nervous system. That’s where EMDR comes in.

What Is EMDR, Really?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. (I know, it’s a lot of syllables.) But in simple terms, it’s a therapy that helps you finally move through what got stuck—emotionally, physically, and mentally.

Originally developed to treat combat trauma and PTSD, EMDR has now helped people around the world work through:

  • Childhood trauma
  • Anxiety and panic
  • Grief and loss
  • Phobias and triggers
  • Shame and core beliefs like “I’m not safe” or “I’m not enough”

It helps you put the past where it belongs—in the past—so you can live more fully in the present.

How It Works 

Here’s how I explain it to clients:

Imagine your brain is like a computer. When something overwhelming happens—especially early in life or without support—it’s like that moment stays open on your hard drive. You might not be thinking about it every day, but it’s running in the background, draining your system.

EMDR helps you close the file.

We use something called bilateral stimulation—which just means right-left, right-left movement. That could be:

  • Following a finger or light with your eyes
  • Holding little tappers that vibrate back and forth
  • Using headphones with gentle tones that alternate sides

While that’s happening, we invite your system to connect to a belief, a memory, a body sensation—whatever feels most alive. And your brain starts to do what it didn’t get to do back then: process, release, and settle.

The memory doesn’t disappear. But the intensity? The stuckness? That starts to shift.

What You Don’t Need

You don’t need to remember every detail.
 You don’t need to tell your whole story if that feels too vulnerable.
 You don’t need to push yourself.

We go at your pace. We build safety first. And we make sure your nervous system feels supported the entire way.

What Starts to Change

Clients often say things like:

“It doesn’t hit as hard anymore.”
 “I can talk about it without falling apart.”
 “I feel calmer in my body.”
 “I actually believe I’m safe now.”

You start responding instead of reacting.
 You learn to stay with your feelings instead of numbing out or shutting down.
 You come back home to yourself.

Is EMDR Right for Me?

If you’ve been talking about the same pain for years and still feel stuck...
If your body feels like it’s holding something you can’t quite name...
If the same triggers keep hijacking your peace...

EMDR might be worth exploring.

It’s not a quick fix—but it’s a powerful one. Especially when you're ready to show up for what’s been waiting to be healed.

One Last Thing

Healing doesn’t mean you’ll never get triggered again.
It means when you do, you’ll know how to come back to center.
You’ll know how to soothe, how to stay, how to move through.

You are worth the healing.
You are allowed to feel safe in your own body.
And you don’t have to carry it all anymore.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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How to Reconnect With Yourself: 8 Everyday Habits for Emotional Wellness

How to Reconnect With Yourself: 8 Everyday Habits for Emotional Wellness

Life can get busy, and before we know it, we find ourselves disconnected—physically, mentally, and emotionally. But it doesn't have to be this way. There are simple, everyday practices we can all integrate into our lives to feel more grounded and connected with ourselves. If you're feeling overwhelmed or unsure where to start, you're in the right place.

I want to share some practices that have had a major impact on my emotional and mental well-being, and I hope they’ll do the same for you. These are things I do regularly.

Let’s dive in.

1. Start With One Simple Question: Journaling Made Easy

Let’s talk about journaling for a minute. I know some of you might be thinking, “I’m not a journaler,” or “That doesn’t really work for me.” And I get it. But what if you gave this one simple thing a try?

Each day, ask yourself this one question:

“Dear God (or whatever works for you), what do you want me to know or see today?”

This isn’t about having a huge revelation or trying to figure everything out all at once. It’s more about giving yourself a moment to pause, quiet the noise, and invite guidance into your day. Whether that’s God, your inner wisdom, or simply the clarity you need—allow yourself to make space and listen.

For me, this practice has been such a game-changer. It’s helped me work through feelings of doubt, shame, and anxiety. It brings a sense of peace and perspective that I don’t always find elsewhere.

You can always write it down in a notebook or journal that feels safe to you. There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to do this. Just trust the process and see where it leads. You might be surprised by what shows up.

2. Slow Down to Recharge

Sometimes, we need that “reset” moment where we give ourselves permission to do nothing. Maybe for you, that looks like taking a break from the busyness of life to reconnect with what really matters. 

What do you need to let go of to make space for your mental and emotional health? The answer may be as simple as slowing down.

Taking the time to step back, recharge, and reconnect with what truly matters makes all the difference. It's not always about doing more. Sometimes it's about doing less to let yourself breathe and be.

3. Get Back to Your Practices (Even the Small Ones)

Life gets busy, and sometimes we drop the practices that keep us grounded. I know I do. But when I made time to get back to the simple practices I’ve taught my clients over the years—journaling, reflecting, meditating—it made a huge difference. 

Whether it's a five-minute breathing exercise in the morning or a quick gratitude practice, find a routine that works for you. If you’re feeling out of touch with yourself, getting back into these habits is a great place to start. You’ll feel emotionally clearer and more connected to yourself when you do.

4. Set Your Intentions (Instead of “Goals”)

Every day, write out 10 intentions. Don’t worry about them being perfect. Just check in with what you want to focus on. It could be something like "be more patient" or "make time for creativity," but it helps you stay grounded in what truly matters.

Rather than getting caught up in external expectations (or that dreaded “goal-setting pressure”), intentions come from a place of self-awareness and connection. They allow you to align your day with what you truly need, not what the world or society expects from you.

5. A Simple Planner Can Make All the Difference

I use a planner every day. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but it really helps me stay focused on my emotional well-being. Some people use planners with calendars, but I personally prefer ones with a gratitude practice or daily intentions. These planners help me stay connected to what really matters—like how I’m feeling and what my emotional priorities are that day.

Find a planner that works for you, or simply use a notebook to jot down what’s most important. Just writing down what you want to focus on, be it your to-do list, your gratitude, or your feelings, helps you stay connected to the present moment.

6. Avoid Toxic Habits (Like Alcohol)

I know this one might be tough to hear, but it’s important. Alcohol can have a huge impact on your mental health. I’ve seen it too many times in my work—how alcohol can affect relationships, stifle emotional growth, and hinder clarity of mind.

If you're relying on alcohol as a coping mechanism, it’s time to reflect on how it's serving you (or not serving you).

Reducing or eliminating alcohol might be one of the most powerful ways to clear your mind and help your emotional growth.

7. Listen to Inspiring Podcasts or Books

If you’re like me and find yourself scrolling on your phone instead of connecting inwardly, try listening to something that inspires you. Whether it’s a podcast, audiobook, or even a YouTube channel, make space for things that help you grow and feel less alone. Podcasts, especially, have taught me so much over the years, and I always walk away with new insights.

8. Have Hard Conversations with Love

Lastly, I want to talk about something that we often avoid—having difficult conversations. Whether it’s with a partner, friend, or family member, avoiding hard conversations only keeps us stuck. It keeps us in cycles of resentment, misunderstanding, and emotional distance.

What if we could have these conversations with love instead of fear? What if we could show up, speak our truth, and listen deeply? It might be uncomfortable, but it’s one of the most powerful ways to build emotional wellness.

There you have it—8 practices to support your emotional and mental health. 

I want you to know that no matter where you are on your journey, these things can help you reconnect with yourself and create the space for healing. Take it slow, be gentle with yourself, and know that you’re not alone in this.

I’d love to hear from you—how are these practices working for you? Feel free to share your journey with me anytime. And don’t forget to grab your free journal to get started.

With love and support,

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

Dive a little deeper into this topic below

The Power of Listening: Strengthening Our Mental Health and Community

The Power of Listening: Strengthening Our Mental Health and Community 

Have you ever had someone truly listen to you? Not just hear your words, but be fully present—taking it all in without judgment or distraction? It’s rare, but when it happens, it can be life-changing. Being deeply heard impacts how we see ourselves, how we connect with others, and even how we begin to heal.

In our fast-paced, often distracted world, we don’t always make the time to really listen. But when we do, something powerful happens: we feel seen, understood, and less alone. And that kind of connection is essential for our mental and emotional well-being.

The Impact of Listening in Our Communities

Sometimes the most healing thing we can offer is simply our presence—just listening without trying to fix, judge, or interrupt. I see it in my work all the time: the simple act of being heard can be a huge relief.

And it’s not just in personal relationships. Listening plays a vital role across every part of our communities.

Take healthcare workers, for example. They’re on the front lines every day, holding so much. When they don’t have the space to share their own struggles, burnout sets in—impacting not just their mental health, but the care they give.

Patients need to be heard, too. For someone facing a difficult diagnosis or a long treatment journey, being truly listened to builds trust, offers comfort, and fosters hope. When care teams take the time to hear what patients are saying, beyond just symptoms, it makes a real difference.

Making Room for Everyone

In a world filled with noise, fear, and division, listening is a radical act of connection. We don’t have to agree with each other to show empathy. When we choose to listen with an open heart, we create space for understanding and healing.

This is the kind of mental health work we need more of. Not just in therapy rooms, but in homes, workplaces, and communities.

A Call to Action: Start Today

Building a more connected and emotionally healthy community doesn’t require grand gestures. It starts with small, meaningful moments. 

Begin by checking in with the people around you: your partner, a friend, a colleague, or even a neighbor.

Ask how they’re really doing and then truly listen. Not just to the words they say, but to what’s underneath. Put down the phone, pause the distractions, and give them your full attention. Simply creating space for someone to speak without rushing to offer advice or fix things.

When someone feels genuinely heard, it can ease loneliness, deepen trust, and even shift the course of their day. And over time, these small moments of connection become the foundation of stronger relationships and a more compassionate community.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

Dive a little deeper into this topic below

When “Closeness” Costs You Your Self: Understanding and Healing from Enmeshment Trauma

When “Closeness” Costs You Your Self: Understanding and Healing from Enmeshment Trauma

You may not have called it trauma. In fact, you may have called it love.

Maybe you grew up in a family that seemed close. Really close. You talked every day. You knew everything about each other. You were the one everyone leaned on, the dependable one, the one who “just understood.” And maybe even now, you find yourself being the strong one, the fixer, the person others turn to when they’re falling apart.

But somewhere along the way, something started to feel off. You second-guess your needs. You feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions. You find it hard to say no without guilt. You lose yourself in relationships or avoid them altogether. And you’re not exactly sure when or how that started.

This might be the moment you realize what looked like closeness was actually enmeshment. And it’s been shaping how you show up in relationships, in decisions, in your sense of self.

If any of that lands for you, keep reading. We’re going to talk about what enmeshment actually is, how to recognize it, how it shows up in relationships, and most importantly how to begin healing.

What Is Enmeshment?

Enmeshment is a relational trauma that happens when the boundaries between parent and child are blurred. Instead of supporting the child’s individuality, a parent becomes emotionally over-reliant on them. The child’s role becomes one of emotional caretaker, problem-solver, companion, or even surrogate partner.

What makes enmeshment particularly hard to identify is that it can masquerade as closeness. From the outside, it looks like a tight-knit family. But what’s actually happening is a lack of emotional separation, a fusion of identities. And it often leaves the child with a persistent fear of setting boundaries, a deep sense of guilt when they do, and a struggle to connect to their own needs.

As a therapist trained in systems theory, I look at the full picture—family patterns, intergenerational dynamics, unspoken rules. And enmeshment often hides in plain sight.

The Three Types of Enmeshed Parenting

Enmeshment can take many forms, but it often falls into one or more of these patterns.

The Romanticized Parent

This parent leans on the child for emotional companionship, often without realizing it. They might share adult problems, rely on the child for comfort, or idealize them in a way that feels special but also suffocating. The child learns to prioritize the parent’s emotional needs, becoming the surrogate spouse instead of just being a kid.

The Helicopter Parent

Driven by anxiety, this parent micromanages the child’s every move including school, friendships, and choices. It can look like care, but it's rooted in fear. The child doesn't learn autonomy. They learn that love is conditional and that control equals safety.

The Incapacitated Parent

When a parent is struggling with chronic illness, addiction, or unhealed trauma, the child often steps into a caregiving role. This is known as parentification. The child becomes the emotional or physical caretaker and never gets to fully develop their own identity because they’re so focused on keeping the family functioning.

How Enmeshment Shapes Adult Relationships

These early patterns leave a lasting imprint. As adults, many people who experienced enmeshment struggle with codependency, difficulty identifying their own needs, or feeling consumed by guilt when they try to set boundaries.

Intimate relationships often feel overwhelming or confusing. You might attach quickly, feel anxious when a partner pulls away, or completely shut down when someone gets too close. You may find yourself over-giving, constantly seeking reassurance, or defaulting to caretaking roles because somewhere along the way, love got tangled up with responsibility and performance.

Some people become serially independent, avoiding closeness out of fear it will consume them. Others merge completely, taking on their partner’s preferences, needs, even identity. And some swing between both

What Healing Looks Like

Healing from enmeshment is a process of learning to reconnect with yourself. That might start with simple things like breathwork or journaling, where you begin to ask, “What do I feel? What do I want?” And it grows from there.

Therapy is often an essential part of the journey, especially with a trauma-informed therapist who understands family systems and relational wounds. Modalities like EMDR, brainspotting, or somatic experiencing can be incredibly helpful.

You’ll also learn to set boundaries without shame. You’ll learn to say no not as rejection, but as self-honoring. You’ll begin to recognize your own patterns and give yourself permission to do something different.

Books like Homecoming by John Bradshaw or It’s Not Always Depression by Hilary Jacobs Hendel are great resources. So is any practice that helps you slow down, notice your thoughts, and reconnect with your body.

And maybe most of all, you’ll start offering yourself the validation, compassion, and space that you spent your childhood giving to everyone else.

You Are Allowed to Be Your Own Person

If this stirred something in you—maybe a quiet knowing, maybe a heavy grief—I just want to say: you are not alone.

You are not wrong for needing space. You are not selfish for wanting boundaries. You are not broken for losing your voice. You are healing.

And it is okay to be new to this. It’s okay if some days feel strong and others don’t. It’s okay if it feels messy, slow, or layered. That’s exactly what healing looks like.

You get to take your time. You get to ask for support. You get to be someone who is learning to belong to themselves again.

That is not just healing. It's a reclamation. And it’s yours.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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5 Healing Myths That Can Keep You Stuck (And What’s Actually True)

5 Healing Myths That Can Keep You Stuck (And What’s Actually True)

You can be years into therapy. You can have shelves full of self-help books, a breathwork practice you actually stick to, and a therapist you trust. You can be the person your friends turn to for support, the one who’s done the training, learned the language, practiced the tools, and still feel stuck. 

What’s more likely is that you’re bumping up against a few deeply ingrained beliefs about what healing is supposed to look like. And when those expectations don’t match your lived experience, it’s easy to assume something must be wrong with you.

When we carry quiet myths about how healing should unfold, we can end up stuck in shame or self-doubt without even realizing it.

Here are five of the most common healing myths I have come across. Let’s walk through them together.

Myth 1: Once I process my trauma, it won’t come back up again.

This is just not true. It’s very possible the pain will return in another form or at a different stage of your life. 

That doesn’t mean you didn’t do the work. It just means healing comes in layers. When something reactivates, it’s often a gentle invitation to go a little deeper. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your body is wise and wants care.

Myth 2: If I heal enough, I won’t get triggered anymore.

Triggers are not signs that you’ve failed. They’re signs that you are human and that something inside you is asking for attention. You might notice a feeling in your body or a sudden emotional reaction. That’s your system responding to something it has learned might not be safe.

Myth 3: If I heal, other people will heal too.

Your healing can inspire and impact people around you, especially if you're a parent. The way you show up does shift relationships. But no matter how much inner work you do, others still have to choose their own healing. 

You can model change. You can break patterns. You can create emotional safety. But you cannot heal someone else’s pain for them. And that doesn’t make your healing any less valuable.

Myth 4: I don’t need to explore my past to move forward.

This one comes up a lot. It’s understandable to not want to revisit painful memories. But the past does shape how you respond in the present. If something from childhood was never acknowledged or processed, it often shows up again as emotional patterns, self-protection, or disconnection.

Looking at your past is not about blame. It’s about clarity. When you understand what shaped you, you begin to soften. You begin to choose something new. That’s what creates real change.

Myth 5: The answers are outside of me.

This is one of the biggest misconceptions I see. The truth is, the answers are already within you. They may be buried under shame or fear or past survival strategies, but they are there.

Healing is not about finding someone to fix you. It’s about returning to your own voice and learning how to trust it again.

If you're doing this work and it feels messy or slow, I want you to know that's normal. Healing is not a straight line. Sometimes you feel strong and clear, and the next day, something pulls you back into an old pattern.

That’s okay. You are not failing. You are healing.

Give yourself permission to keep going, especially on the hard days. You're doing the most important work of all. 

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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Learning to Be on Your Own Side: What Self-Compassion Really Means

Learning to Be on Your Own Side: What Self-Compassion Really Means

Most of us know how to show up for others when they’re hurting. We offer kind words. We soften our tone. We reassure. But when we’re the ones in pain—whether we’ve made a mistake, feel like we’re falling short, or are stuck in the fog of self-doubt—our inner dialogue often turns cold, critical, and sharp.

So here’s the question worth sitting with:
How do you treat yourself when you’re in pain?

Not once you've fixed it. Not when everything’s smoothed over. But right in the middle of the mess.

That’s what self-compassion is about.

The word compassion comes from the Latin meaning to suffer with. Self-compassion is how you respond to your own suffering. 

Do you meet it with warmth and care or judgment and distance? And more importantly, can you begin to shift the way you show up for yourself, especially when things aren’t going well?

 

It’s Not Just About Being Nice

Self-compassion isn’t just about saying nice things to ourselves. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, it has three parts:

  • Mindfulness – the ability to actually notice and name what’s happening, without getting overwhelmed or ignoring it. 
  • Common humanity – reminding ourselves that we’re not the only ones who struggle. Everyone feels like this sometimes. 
  • Kindness – talking to ourselves with warmth and understanding, instead of criticism. 

And one of the things that often surprises people is that self-compassion isn’t just soft. There’s a fierce side, too.

 

The Fierce and the Tender

Tender self-compassion is the soothing kind. It’s what we offer ourselves when we need to be held. Try placing a hand on your heart, taking a breath, saying “It’s okay, I’m here.”

But sometimes, what we need isn’t soothing—it’s action. That’s the fierce side.

Fierce self-compassion is setting a boundary. Saying no. Leaving the situation. Speaking the truth. Standing up for yourself with clarity and courage.

And we need both. Because sometimes healing means softening. And sometimes it means taking a stand.

So self-compassion might sound like, “You’re doing your best. Let’s take a break.” Or it might sound like, “This isn’t working. It’s time to make a change.”

Both are valid. Both are loving.

 

“But What If I Don’t Even Like Myself?”

This comes up all the time. I’ve had so many clients say, “I don’t even like myself, let alone love myself. How am I supposed to be compassionate?”

And the answer might surprise you as liking yourself isn’t actually required.

Self-compassion isn’t based on judgment. It’s not about whether you think you’re a good person or a bad one. It’s not even about whether you love yourself or not. It’s about offering kindness to yourself because you’re human. Just like you would to anyone else who’s hurting.

You don’t need to pass a test to be worthy of compassion. You were born worthy. 

 

So... How Do You Actually Start?

You start right where you are. Honestly, that’s the most compassionate place to begin.

If being kind to yourself feels unfamiliar or even impossible—try saying something simple and true, like:
  “It’s really hard to be kind to myself right now.”

That alone is an act of self-compassion. You’re acknowledging your experience without judgment. And that kind of honesty is far more powerful than forcing something you don’t believe.

Then gently remind yourself. You’re not the only one who feels this way.

  • “Other people feel this too.” 
  • “This is part of being human.” 

From there, ask yourself what might feel supportive in this moment. Maybe it’s a slow breath. A softer inner tone. A hand over your heart. The words don’t need to be profound—just real.

  • “I’m doing the best I can.” 
  • “I deserve some care too.” 
  • “It’s okay to feel this way.”

You don’t need to be fixed. You need to be cared for.
You don’t need to earn your own tenderness. You just need to let yourself have it.

You are allowed to struggle.
You are allowed to fall apart sometimes.
And you are still—always—worthy of compassion.

Right here. Right now. No perfection required. Just start where you are.

And if you forget? That’s okay, too.
That’s just another moment to begin again.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

This blog was inspired by Close the Chapter Podcast Episode 239 – Developing Fierce Self-Compassion with Dr. Kristin Neff.

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When Food Feels Safer Than Feelings: A Gentle Path Toward Healing Emotional Eating

When Food Feels Safer Than Feelings: A Gentle Path Toward Healing Emotional Eating

Have you ever opened the fridge—not because your body needed food, but because your heart felt heavy?

Maybe you were anxious. Lonely. Overwhelmed.
Maybe you just needed something to soften the edges of a moment that felt too sharp to bear.

It’s more than just food.
It's about survival.
It's about a nervous system that learned early on how to reach for comfort in a world that didn’t always feel safe.

Where Emotional Eating Begins

Most approaches to emotional eating focus on food: what to eat, when to eat and how much. But real healing doesn’t start with rules—it starts with understanding.

Many people who struggle with emotional eating were never taught how to feel their feelings safely. In childhood or adolescence, food may have been one of the only accessible ways to self-soothe. While other coping tools—like alcohol, cigarettes, or emotional support—weren’t available, food often was. A dollar for a candy bar could bring a moment of relief when no one else was there to hold your pain.

Food became comfort. Consistency. Protection. Not because you were lazy or lacked willpower—but because your body was doing what it had to do to survive.

This is why emotional eating is not a discipline problem. It’s a relationship issue—shaped by early experiences, trauma, and the ways your nervous system adapted in the face of stress.

What’s Really Beneath the Craving?

That craving for food—especially when you're not physically hungry—isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a message.

Your body is trying to say:
 “Something inside me needs care.”

Cravings aren’t random; they’re relational. They point to discomfort, unmet needs, or emotions that haven’t yet found a safe place to land.

Emotional eating is often a signal—not a problem to fix, but an invitation to listen.

When a craving hits, especially after emotional overwhelm, pause if you can. Take a breath. And gently ask yourself:

What just happened?
What am I feeling right now?
Where do I feel it in my body?

A tight chest. A lump in your throat. A pit in your stomach. These sensations aren’t “overreactions”—they are cues from your nervous system, speaking in the language it learned to survive.

Try to name what you’re feeling: “I feel sad.” “I feel scared.” “I feel forgotten.” Just naming it can begin to calm your system and bring you back into relationship with yourself.

The Role of Shame

One of the most painful parts of emotional eating isn’t the eating—it’s the shame that follows. We quickly move from “I’m hurting” to “I messed up.” The original pain gets buried beneath self-blame.

Shame doesn’t stop the cycle. It fuels it.

It keeps you locked in a loop of guilt and silence, pulling focus away from what actually needs care: your emotional world. Shame distracts you from the healing work of understanding, soothing, and reconnecting.

Trauma, Dysregulation, and the Body

If food has long been your go-to comfort, it may be because your nervous system has lived in a state of high alert for years. Especially for those who’ve experienced trauma—whether through abuse, neglect, grief, or chronic instability—the body often learns to stay braced, guarded, hyperaware.

Even everyday stress can feel overwhelming when your system is already holding so much.

You may notice tightness, anxiety, numbness, or brain fog. You may feel disconnected from your body altogether. This is called dysregulation—and it’s not a flaw. It’s a nervous system doing its best to protect you.

When you’re dysregulated, it becomes hard to access intuition around food or emotion. You might wonder, Am I actually hungry? Or just overwhelmed? But the signals feel mixed or muted.

That’s why true healing goes beyond changing behavior—it begins with creating a felt sense of safety within your nervous system, especially in the places that learned to stay on guard.

Learning to pause. To breathe. To notice. To gently come back into connection with your body, again and again, with compassion.

Healing doesn’t mean you’ll never emotionally eat again.

It means you’ll learn how to respond to yourself with care instead of criticism. And over time, that gentle care becomes the very thing that helps you feel safe enough to heal.

 

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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