Author: Kristen

03.09.20

Lessons Learned From Imperfect Parenting

Lessons Learned From Imperfect Parenting

There is no such thing as perfect parenting. When you take your baby home, the hospital doesn’t hand you a how-to manual. Parents learn on-the-job.

Parents do the best we can with what we know. We tend to take what we liked or didn’t like from our own parents and upbringing. Have you ever thought to yourself, “Wow, I sound exactly like my mom or dad?”

Here are just a few strategies I thought were helpful.

First, it’s vital we regulate and calm ourselves down before we can help try and calm our children. Think about the metaphor when flying on an airplane. The flight attendants give instructions, “If the cabin loses pressure, then the oxygen masks will drop from overhead. Place the mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting children.”

It would be wonderful if this mask would magically drop down in front of us when experiencing a conflict moment like a huge tantrum so we could be reminded to breathe instead of yelling and screaming. Not many of us learned how to self-regulate as children. We need to be mindful and aware of our own emotions and how we are acting in front of our children. What are we modeling?

Secondly, teach our children to stop and breathe. This will help them learn how to manage their emotions. It’s not just about practicing deep breathing during times of conflict. It’s important to teach them when things are going well too.

For small children, it can be helpful to pretend to blow up balloons so they may learn how to breathe through their nose and out their mouth.

Remember, it takes children 2,000 times to hear something before they really integrate it into their way of being. So, if it doesn’t work the first time, keep trying. Don’t give up. Stay with it.

Third, give your children two positive choices. You may (positive choice #1) or (positive choice #2). Which is better for you?" This will shift the focus to what you want the child to do.

I will be the first to admit, I am not a perfect parent. We all make so called “mistakes,” which are really opportunities to learn and grow. It doesn’t help to beat ourselves up. Know it’s never too late to change what you don’t like. We just have to stop, breathe and, perhaps, try something new.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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03.02.20

Giving Away Your Power

Stop Giving Away Your Power

Do you give other people your power by letting them control how you feel about yourself? Do you try to please others so you will feel better about yourself? Do you try to keep the peace within your relationships by not rocking the boat so you end up walking on eggshells and losing a sense of who you are?

We give away our power when we focus on what others think about us or let their opinions define how we see ourselves. When we don’t speak our truth, we slowly lose parts of ourselves. When we start letting go of trying to please others, focus on what they think of us or stop walking on eggshells, we begin to feel empowered and start having more joy, peace, and happiness in our lives.

We live in a world with so much judgment about how we look, how we dress, what house we live in, what car we drive and what job we have. When in reality, none of this truly matters. What matters is that we are centered on who we are. When we live our lives with integrity, passion, honesty, authenticity, compassion, and heart or, whatever has a deeper meaning to you, we step into a more fulfilling life.

It is easy to get caught up in the latest and greatest and comparing ourselves to others. When we compare ourselves to others, we are no longer empowered. We are stuck in shame, doubt, not feeling good enough and inadequacy.

Below are three steps to begin taking back your power and building a solid foundation for who you are and what you want in your life.

Weed out toxic people in your life. Surround yourself with safe people that are going to love you for who you are. They provide honest feedback, let you have a voice and, most importantly, help you continuously grow and be the best person you can be.
Empower others. One of the greatest gifts we can give to others is to show up and honor others by letting them have a voice. This leads to more people feeling like they matter and are important. It’s really about, “Doing unto others as you would like done unto you.”

Take time to figure out who you are. You are not alone if you don’t know exactly who you are. It’s a journey of self-discovery. Write in a journal five minutes a day about answering this question, “Who are you?” Explore your likes, passions, dislikes and what pulls at your heartstrings. You are worth it!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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02.24.20

Hiding Behind Our Masks

Hiding behind our masks

Do you ever feel like you wear a mask to cover how you really feel in order to fit in or be accepted? Do you put on a happy face even when you feel sad? Do you feel like you have to be a certain way in order for people to like you? These feelings can lead to exhaustion, anxiety, depression or loneliness.

Millions of people struggle with being completely themselves. They feel like if they are themselves then people won’t like them. So, a disconnect exists between their outward identity and their true selves. People often desire the freedom to be themselves, yet more often than not, the fear of rejection or disapproval drives them to compromise their individuality.

People wear masks to cover up parts of themselves they don’t like. The more masks you wear, the deeper you hide your true self.

There is a popular quote that says, “You are only ever loved to the extent that you are known.” We cannot feel loved for who we really are as long as we mask our true identity. At the same time, we fear if we expose our true selves, we will be rejected. The relationships where we wear lots of masks are often shallow and unfulfilling, which creates a frustrating cycle. It leaves us longing for more meaningful connections.

There are many different types of masks people wear. The two most common types are the following:

Masks to cover pain: These are the smiling masks you wear when everything in your life feels like it’s crashing down around you. Taking this mask off would mean facing and dealing with the hurt and feelings. Because of the fear of failure and rejection, people get uncomfortable and overwhelmed with the thought of removing the mask and exposing what they are really experiencing.
Masks to cover shame: These are masks about low self-confidence or taking pride in material possessions. We hope these things or achievements will give us worth. We think these types of masks serve as a distraction to keep outsiders from looking at what we see as our flaws.

Ultimately, wearing masks attempts to hide our feelings of unworthiness and not feeling good enough. It takes deep strength and courage to take these masks off and be who you are. It is completely possible to free yourself. Start by sharing your hopes and dreams with a safe person. So, what masks are you going to remove to experience freedom and more happiness?

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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02.17.20

Are you wanting someone to “Complete You”?

Is your love life like the movies? Are you wanting someone to "Complete You?"

Relationships have become one of the most important factors towards defining ourselves and our happiness.

Often, people look for happiness from their partner. They may have this idea that the "perfect match" will somehow “complete” them. They are putting their worth in someone else. Even Hollywood has it that life ends “happily ever after” once we find our prince charming or soul mate. There is so much more to creating healthy, happy and fulfilling relationships than what plays out in the movies. Love is not scripted. It's not all wrapped up in a bow in just under 90 minutes. Relationships are hard work. Romantic movies make it look so easy.

Relationship issues can be worked out if both people have a desire to work on themselves and owning their part in the relationship challenges. The key is to first take responsibility, work on yourself and then on the marriage or relationship.

There are some basic ingredients to a healthy and fulfilling relationship. These are based on putting these into practice in my own life. Within two months of dating my husband, we both thought each other could be “the one.” So, I told him I wanted to go to pre-marital counseling. I wanted to ensure we started this relationship off on the right foot and to understand whether we were compatible with several key elements such as values, character, family, spirituality, and finances. He actually agreed to go because he’s that kind of guy.

So, we started unpacking all of our “baggage” and family stuff and, most importantly, learned how to communicate effectively. We built the foundation of our relationship right out of the gate and worked on some key issues. It’s not to say we don’t have disagreements because we do. Every healthy relationship has them. It’s how you work them out and talk to each other that matters. Below are some communication and relationship strategies we found to be the most helpful.

∙ Active Listening: Be open and get out of your head. Truly hear what the other person has to say. Be present with them in that moment. It’s not about being right or wrong. It’s about connecting.

∙ Validating: This does not mean you agree with what the person is saying. It lets them know you have heard and understood what they are telling you. “What you said makes sense?” You might not agree, yet you can see where the other person is coming from.

∙ Empathy: You understand what they are feeling about the situation. You can say something like, “I can imagine you might be feeling sad.”

∙ Support: Recent research indicates that the most important element of a fulfilling relationship is supporting and encouraging your spouse or partner in their interests and endeavors.

So, try putting these strategies into action and see how your relationship changes. I think you'll be glad you did. Go out and enjoy your popcorn at the movies with the one you love. And, know you've done the work it takes to make your relationship have a happy ending.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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02.10.20

The Power of Family Patterns

The Power of Family Patterns

Family patterns, both healthy and unhealthy, have a legacy and power for future generations. We are grateful for healthy patterns. Unhealthy patterns tend to be more difficult to confront. And, these can teach us the most when we are open to exploring them.

How often do we stop and examine what we might be passing down to our children or those around us? Often, we are just doing what we know. We may tell ourselves we will never be like our parents or others in our lives and think we create a different pattern. We soon discover we have just recreated the patterns that are normal or comfortable for us.

It’s important to explore why we think, feel and act the way we do. Sometimes we are on auto-pilot and not awake to our daily actions and how they show up.

Taking time to explore your unhealthy patterns will help stop the multi-generational transmission of issues. It’s a gift you give to yourself and the people you care about. It is not about getting stuck or blaming our past. It’s about creating insight, becoming aware of what we want to do differently and then taking action to change it.

Below are a few key areas to begin your journey of making a lasting change.

Explore the role of guilt and shame. Do you struggle with guilt or feeling bad? Do you use guilt to “get” your children to do what you want them to do? Was guilt or shame used in your family system as a form of control or manipulation? Write out how you use shame and guilt with others and yourself. Let go of the “should’s” and start accepting yourself for who you are. We are human beings that are imperfect. The key is to grow and learn from our choices so we be more joyful, happy and at peace.
Look at boundaries. What were the boundaries in your family growing up? Were they rigid or did you not have any rules? We teach other people how to treat us. Did you learn to set healthy boundaries with others? Do you set them with your children? Write out what your boundaries are and start communicating what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship.
Understand your feelings. Were you able to express your feelings or did you have to hold them in? Are you uncomfortable when others express how they feel? Some people neglect their own feelings and needs by taking care of others, even when others aren’t asking for it. This may lead to feeling resentment and neglected. You are not responsible for fixing or changing your whole family. We can’t change or control others. You are responsible for you, your choices and making changes

This is some of the most powerful and transformative work you can do. Be patient with yourself. It takes courage and a willingness to be accountable. It takes one person to change the pattern. So, start with you!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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02.10.20

The Blame Game

The blame game

Do you blame someone else for your feelings, issues or how your life has turned out? How does it play out in your relationships, marriage or in the work environment? The blame game can have a powerful impact on your life. It can keep you stuck.

Blame keeps us focused on the other person so we don’t have to work on ourselves. It’s really a deflection to dealing with our own issues. When we blame, we place responsibility for our negative feelings and upsets onto another person or situation. Focusing on blame misses the opportunity to resolve the conflict.

How can we work on ourselves when we are focused on what someone else is doing, saying and what they have done to us? This can lead us to feel like a victim as opposed to feeling empowered.

Once we make a decision to stop the blame game and to take ownership of our own feelings and actions, then we can focus on living out the life we want. By focusing on ourselves, we begin to feel stronger and have the courage to face our feelings and pain. Below are some initial steps to begin the process of shifting from blame to taking responsibility for our emotions.

Explore your blaming patterns. Who do you blame? Why do you blame them? How often are you blaming others like your spouse, friend, co-worker, neighbor, parent, boss, etc.? Do you notice a pattern? Do you have a pattern of wanting to be right?
Learn to recognize your own feelings. Do you know what you are feeling? Do you take time to dig deep and really figure out what is bothering you and why? Begin to pay attention and notice what you are feeling.
Focus on solutions. Look at how you can resolve the conflict or work through it in order to begin the forgiveness process.

Ultimately, blame and not forgiving doesn’t hurt the other person, it hurts you. It’s time to look within and step into an empowering state of being. It’s about becoming a better you.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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02.03.20

Uncovering Pain Opens the Door to Authenticity

Uncovering pain opens the door to authenticity

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you like what you see on the inside and out? Do you feel stuck? Do you carry around pain, hurt or trauma that you have buried for years that affect how you see yourself? Do you look to others to feel better about yourself?

Not many people can say they truly love themselves. They spend so much of their energy keeping their feelings under lock and key because they are afraid others will not like them or think less of them if they show who they really are.

Often the pain of carrying around the hurt or dislike for ourselves manifests physically. Our bodies absorb the emotions since they have been stuffed for so long. Some people cover the hurt with layers such as eating, drinking, shopping, smoking, or whatever else you have used to keep the feelings at bay.

Once you stop the cycle of covering your feelings, you can begin to really know who you are. Feelings truly are our guides in life and teach us about whom we are. Authenticity comes when you give up trying to live your life so others will like you and start being who you are in all situations. You start by letting go of the thought that our worth is tied to what others think and get centered in knowing your boundaries, triggers, passion and, most importantly, your purpose.

When you do not seek or need other people’s approval, you are at your most powerful. We give away our power when we worry about what someone might think of us. Compromising who you are and covering up how you feel to gain the approval of another is an example of giving away part of your spirit.

Here are some helpful tips to move through pain and live your life with authenticity and meaning:

Check in with how you feel and what you are thinking. Then try saying what you feel and think more often even if you think someone else isn’t going to like it. It might be something they need to know or hear.

Look at what you use to manage your feelings. Do you have healthy or unhealthy coping strategies?
Explore your passions and discover your purpose. What gets you excited? What do you feel passionate about? Your passion often leads to your purpose.

The more you look within and discover your worth and value, the more you will be comfortable in your own skin and being your authentic self.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT,EMDR, Trained

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01.27.20

What Are Your Shields?

What are your shields?

Are you afraid of being hurt? Are you uncomfortable with uncertainty? Are you afraid to feel your feelings? It’s a universal need to feel safe and secure emotionally and physically. Most of us are looking for certainty. We want to know for sure it’s all going to work out. When we don’t feel like we are emotionally safe or certain about the outcome, we become afraid and want to protect ourselves by closing off emotionally – using shields or defense mechanisms. Unfortunately, they really don’t protect us. They tend to create feelings of disconnection, separation, loneliness, anxiety and depression.

The five most common shields are listed. Look within to examine how often you use these in your daily life and whether or not you are ready to change your patterns.

Anger. This one is an easy one to fall back on. It’s a cover up for something deeper such as fear, hurt and/or pain. For many, it’s easier to get angry than to figure out why you are triggered and calm yourself down before reacting.

Blame. We often want to blame others for how we feel. We don’t want to deal with our painful or hurt feelings so we discharge them onto other people. When we focus on the other person, it keeps us stuck and prevents us from moving forward and healing.

Criticism or judgment. When we are in judgment of another person, it’s because we are struggling with that same issue within ourselves. When we are critical or judgmental of another, it’s time to look within and figure out what is driving this behavior.

Shutting down. We will freeze or just turn it off. We won’t communicate or talk about a situation, which tends to make it only get worse.

Withdrawal. We might go into flight, runaway or numb out from a situation or conflict. The situation doesn’t go away. We must face it and move through it in order to get to the other side.

The first step to any change is awareness. We then need to make a choice to create a new pattern. Notice when you use these patterns and take a deep breath before you use your default ways to cope. Often, these defense mechanisms are learned responses from our past experiences. The good news is you can change these and learn to set healthy boundaries and communicate more effectively. It’s never too late to start feeling better and creating more connected relationships.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT,EMDR, Trained

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01.20.20

Five Steps to Overcoming Insecurities

Five steps to overcoming insecurities

There is one thing most of us have in common – insecurities. What do you feel insecure about? Do you feel insecure about some part of your body or face? Do you sometimes feel not smart enough?

You may be well aware of what you don’t like about yourself. If not, you can peel back the onion, look within yourself and you will soon figure it out. It doesn’t matter what it is, we can all come together and share something we feel insecure about because we are human.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could wave a magic wand and have them all disappear? Well, we may not be able to make our insecurities disappear overnight, but we can work on feeling better about ourselves by changing our thoughts.

There are five steps to working through insecurities and feeling better about you.

Recognize your insecurities. What do you feel insecure about? What are the conversations or tapes in your head that play around them? Pay attention to what you are telling yourself. Don’t pass judgments on the messages. Don’t beat yourself up for what you are thinking. Don’t act on the message. Just observe and be mindful.
Write down the messages and identify when they started. What is your first memory of feeling insecure? What happened? How did it change the way you see yourself?
Think about a dear friend. Then imagine these statements being told to your friend. What might you say to your friend to counter these damaging messages?
Say what you have said to your friend to yourself. In other words, treat yourself as kindly as you would a friend. Everyone matters, including you.
If you continue to believe these old tapes or thoughts, consider taking the messages to a trusted friend. Ask your friend to help you find the lies and exaggerations in your tapes. Work together to create statements that are accurate and truthful. Believe your trusted friend and make it a point to actively tell yourself the truth. When the thoughts come up, you can be aware and ask yourself whether they are rational or irrational.

Underneath insecurities are fears such as not being liked, being made fun of or not being good enough. The fears lead to feeling vulnerable and you may try everything we can not to feel vulnerable. In order to heal, we need to be vulnerable with healthy people.

Working through your insecurities can lead to loving yourself and being happier with who you are.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT,EMDR, Trained

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01.06.20

What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

Does fear prevent you from doing what you really want to do with your life? Does fear keep you stuck? Are you afraid to fail or speak your truth? If you weren’t afraid, what would you do differently?

A state of fear creates anxiety and that anxiety can run our lives. We are looking for security and certainty and ways to manage our anxiety. We want things to feel safe, secure and somewhat predictable. Many want to know what is coming next and really don’t like change because they are afraid of it. So we live our lives trying to create certainty and play it safe. One day you wake up and realize that you feel stuck and are ready to not let fear dominate your thinking and decisions.

It is absolutely possible to conquer a fear. It starts with a desire to face it.

Below are a few initial steps to begin the process of moving through fears to get to the other side.

Sit down and write about what you would do or change if you had no fear. What is your vision? What would be different? What do you want to change? Can you imagine living your life without constant fear? Are you willing to let it go?
Identify your blocking beliefs and when and where the fear began. Where did these beliefs come from? Are they old? Do they hold you back? When did the fear begin? How old were you? These are key questions to begin unpacking the fear and not letting it take over and control you. Fears often come from past experiences. It’s important to reflect on them and how they have played a role in your life. We can make a conscious choice to not let them control our way of life.
Build a strong support network. Surround yourself with people that encourage you and help you step outside of your comfort zone to grow and evolve. Ask for help if you need it in order to not let it control your thoughts and beliefs.
Be willing to be uncomfortable. Sometimes we have to move through the discomfort in order to overcome and work through the fear. Be willing to take a chance knowing the payoffs are significant.
Reframe what failure means. Does failure mean the end of the world? Absolutely not! It means you learn the lesson you need in order to grow to the next level. Everything in our lives is a learning opportunity. The greatest leaders make uncomfortable decisions and move through their fears in order to align with what they believe it the right decision.

This will be one of the best decisions you will ever make! It might be hard work, but it is so worth it!

Kristen Boice, M.A., LMFT, EMDR-Trained