Did You Grow Up Too Fast? Understanding the Hidden Impact of Being a Parentified Child
Did you grow up feeling like the adult in the room when you were still just a kid?
Maybe your parent leaned on you emotionally. Maybe you helped raise your siblings.
You might’ve been called “mature for your age.” Or “you’re so responsible.” And maybe you were. But that doesn't mean it was okay. It does not mean it didn’t cost you something.
If any of that sounds familiar, chances are, you were a parentified child.
Parentification can quietly shape how you see yourself and your worth. And it doesn’t always stop when childhood ends. It can follow you into adulthood, showing up as anxiety, burnout, people-pleasing, or feeling like your needs are just too much.
What Does It Mean to Be a Parentified Child?
Parentification happens when a child steps into responsibilities emotionally or practically that belong to an adult.
Instead of being cared for, the child becomes the one doing the caretaking. It’s a shift in roles that often starts subtly and becomes the child’s “normal.”
It can look like:
- Comforting a parent when they are overwhelmed
- Often taking care of siblings
- Managing the emotional climate of the household
- Suppressing your own needs to keep others calm
Children do what they need to do to feel safe and connected. Sometimes that means becoming overly responsible far too soon.
Two Types of Parentification
Emotional Parentification
The child becomes the emotional support for a parent. You might have heard adult problems, offered comfort, or felt like it was your job to make the parent feel better. Over time, you learn your feelings come second, or not at all.
Instrumental Parentification
This shows up as practical responsibilities. Maybe you cooked, cleaned, got your siblings ready, or handled things that most kids your age didn’t. The load may have looked manageable from the outside, but inside, it likely felt like pressure and stress.
Why Does Parentification Happen?
Sometimes it’s rooted in a parent’s own trauma, grief, or emotional pain. Other times, it’s circumstantial, like divorce, addiction, or chronic illness in the family.
The parent may not have had support. They might have been doing the best they could. But even unintentional parentification can leave a lasting emotional imprint.
Signs You Were a Parentified Child
Here are some common signs you may have experienced parentification:
- You felt responsible for others' emotions
- You were involved in adult conversations or decisions
- You were praised for being mature or “easy”
- You often put others’ needs before your own
- You feel guilt or anxiety when asking for help
- You still tend to play the caretaker in relationships
- You don’t remember feeling carefree or emotionally safe as a child
If you see yourself in this, it’s okay. These patterns likely helped you survive. Now, you get to explore how to soften them and reconnect with your own needs.
How It Shows Up in Adulthood
As an adult, parentification can affect:
- Your ability to rest or relax without guilt
- How you connect in relationships
- Whether or not you feel safe asking for help
- Your ability to identify your own needs or emotions
- How much you trust others, or rely only on yourself
You may feel deeply empathetic, but exhausted. You may care deeply for others, but struggle to care for yourself. These aren’t flaws. These are wounds that deserve tending.
Beginning the Healing Process
Healing starts by reconnecting with the parts of yourself that had to grow up too fast.
1. Acknowledge What Happened
You can name the experience without blaming. Saying “I was given too much too soon” can be the first step in making space for your own healing.
2. Listen to Your Inner Child
Start asking, “What did I need back then that I didn’t get?” Emotional safety? Freedom to play? Less responsibility?
3. Practice Reparenting
This could look like:
- Allowing rest
- Journaling what you feel
- Setting boundaries that honor your limits
- Letting yourself say no without over-explaining
- Reminding yourself, “My needs matter too.”
4. Get Support
Therapy, especially modalities like EMDR, brainspotting, or inner child work, can help you.
You Deserve Care
You don’t have to be the fixer. You don’t have to carry everyone’s pain to be loved.
You deserve rest. You deserve safety. You deserve to feel nurtured, not just needed.
You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to need things.
You are allowed to let go of roles that were never yours to begin with.
Want More Support?
Book to read: Homecoming by Dr. John Bradshaw—one of my favorite resources on inner child healing.
Join the newsletter for free journal prompts and healing tools.
You’re doing brave work by even reading this. And I’m so glad you’re here.
- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained
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