Author: Nicole Weis

02.09.21

The People Pleasing Disease

Do you say “yes” often to be nice or because you feel bad or guilty for saying no? After you said yes, do you feel frustrated, upset or mad you didn’t say “no”?

People pleasers worry about what other people think, spend a lot of time doing things for others, and rarely do things for themselves—or feel guilty when they do.

Why do we people please? Often, it’s because we don’t feel good enough ourselves. It’s a basic human need to feel loved, worthy and to matter. We want to be liked and valued.

Constantly trying to please others is draining. People pleasers often feel anxious and exhausted.

People pleasing is the ultimate barrier to becoming more of who we are. It’s a block to understanding ourselves. Pleasers are too busy trying to make everyone else like them or happy that they forget about themselves and who they really are. They can lose sight about what really is important in their lives.

The disease to please is a way to distract yourself from feeling. It can be a mask that covers pain. It can hide your feelings from others and yourself. By keeping busy, we don’t have to deal with the hurt.

It is possible to change this pattern and reduce the tendency to please others. Here are some suggestions.

Saying no is saying yes to you. Practice saying no. Remember to pause and take a breath before responding to a request. You might say, “I need to think about it first—I’ll get back to you” or “Let me check my schedule and call you back.” Use any phrase you like that gives you time before you automatically respond.
Write a list of your priorities and what is important to you. Before making a decision, review your list and then respond.
Check in with how you feel and what you are thinking. Then try saying what you feel and think more often.

Many people pleasers believe they will not be liked if they stop doing things for others and say no. If someone stops liking you because you don’t do what they want, you probably don’t want them as a friend anyway. People will like you for who you are and not simply for what you do or don’t do.

You deserve time for yourself and what matters to you, and it’s within your reach to change—one small step at a time.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

Dive a little deeper into this topic below

01.19.21

Marriage is a Mirror

Marriage is a Mirror

Do you feel unhappy in your marriage? Do you wish your partner would change? Have you found yourself wishing your partner would meet your needs? Do you wish your partner would grow up or wake up? If you answered yes to any of these questions you are not alone.

It’s important to begin with a fact. We cannot change someone else no matter how much we try. We can’t make someone want to change no matter what we say or do. They have to want to grow and do their own work. We spend a lot of lost time trying to get someone to see the light.

Couples therapy is not about fixing someone in the relationship. It’s about each partner getting curious about their own triggers, their behavior and taking ownership for growing and learning a healthier way to show up. Marriages, along with parenthood, mirror back deeper issues for us to explore.

Begin by working on you. All change first has to start with you. Write out what you want to work on and why you want to work on them. Take ownership for your needs and emotions.
Your worth or value doesn’t come from someone else. Your security has to come from within. Often if we didn’t get our needs met earlier in life, we look to someone else to heal the pain of the past. We project our needs onto our partner and when they don’t meet them, it recreates the same unhealthy cycle.
Don’t push down your feelings or bury your pain. If we don’t feel, we don’t heal. We have to learn to deal with feelings and not numb or bury our pain. We look to our partner to make things better or heal our hurt. Journaling is an excellent way to process through them and gain insight into our behavior.
Keep in mind it is never too late to begin this journey. It leads to freedom, joy and the ability to cope with hard things in life. Go within to find the healing instead of looking on the outside.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

01.12.21

New Year Means New Beginnings

New Year Means New Beginnings

The new year often brings a chance for new beginnings and an opportunity to focus on what really matters. We can set new intentions and create an action plan to make change in our life. It’s a chance to rethink old patterns and establish better ones. It’s a chance to really get clear on what you want, which leads to better health and more happiness.

Sometimes we want to make changes, but don’t know where to begin. Below are a few suggestions to get the ball rolling.

Figure out who you are and what you are passionate about. Take time to write down a description of you and what you get excited about. What do you feel passionate about? What really matters to you? What is your highest value? For example, you may discover you are not taking care of yourself. So, you may want to think about what you are going to do to take care of yourself such as getting a massage, walking three times a week or getting more connected spiritually. Maybe you have always loved tennis or painting and want to create more time for them this year.

2. Work through issues from the past. Sometimes we let our past have a lot of power over us. It can keep us stuck in anger and resentment. In order to eliminate roadblocks, it is extremely important to work through past issues or hurts. This gives us clarity and freedom to let go and move on. It means facing the pain of the past and moving through the feelings that go along with it.

3. Get outside your comfort zone. Change can be uncomfortable and hard. It’s like writing with the opposite hand. So if you’re right-handed, it will be extremely uncomfortable to write with the left hand. However, you are going to grow and evolve. After a while, you will get more used to it and it won’t be so uncomfortable. Move into the fear. Don’t let the fear dominate your thinking and keep you from getting what you want in your life.

4. Write out an action plan. This is an important step. What are the things you need to do in order to make a change? Do you need to change your routine? Follow the plan for 21 days consecutively. Research indicates the change is more likely to stick.

5. Give to others. Start your day with gratitude and thinking about how you can make a difference in the world. Change starts with one person at a time – let it start with you!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

12.29.20

Top 10 Most Downloaded Close the Chapter Podcast Episodes in 2020

Top 10 Most Downloaded Close the Chapter Podcast Episodes in 2020

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued support of the Close the Chapter Podcast! It’s hard to believe the first episode aired on April 22, 2019. We have released over 89 solo and guest episodes.

My mission and goal for the podcast was and continues to be helping you find powerful, practical and purposeful tools and information to begin transforming your life. And, I want to help change the global conversation around mental health. I hope it provides extra encouragement, support and inspiration to keep doing the hard work of healing, improving your sense of worth and value, and making sustainable changes.

By subscribing, writing meaningful reviews, sharing episodes and posting on social media, you are making a huge difference.

Relationships with yourself and others are the most important work we can do. By learning how to have more authentic and vulnerable conversations, you begin to create inner peace, calm, clarity, contentment and compassion.

When you feel sad, lonely, anxious, afraid, angry, joyful or excited, tune into an episode based on what you might need or just binge listen instead of watching a show. I’m available 24-7 on any podcast platform. 🙂

Below are the 10 most downloaded episodes.

Make a commitment to take care of yourself. I’m here to cheer you on!

#1 - Episode 47 - Healing From Childhood Emotional Neglect with Dr. Jonice Webb

#2 - Episode 28 - It's Not Always Depression with Hilary Jacobs Hendel

#3 - Episode 20 - Codependency with Terri Cole

#4 - Episode 1 - Become the Real Authentic YOU

#5 - Episode 31 - Healing the Inner Child with Rachel Hall, LMHC

#6 - Episode 46 - Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free with Nancy Levin

#7 - Episode 17 - Abandonment Issues

#8 - Episode 30 - Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Self-doubt with Lara Riggio

#9 - Episode 42 - Breaking Up With Sugar with Molly Carmel

#10 - Episode 48 - Communication Skills That Will Change Your Life

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

12.16.20

5 Ways to Create More Balance

5 Ways to Create More Balance

Do you feel out of balance with your life? Do you feel overwhelmed with trying to work, manage family life and volunteering? Do you feel like you are just going through the motions and not really living in the present moment because you are thinking about your to do list? You are not alone!

We now live in a world where we are plugged in twenty-four hours a day, making it more challenging to unplug from the stress of everyday life. Sometimes we can feel like a gerbil on a wheel - going non-stop. Sometimes we feel so overwhelmed that we don’t even know where to begin. And, we simply feel stuck like we are spinning our wheels in the mud.

Below are a few steps to begin creating more balance and less stress in your life. It begins by empowering yourself to make some choices and focus on what you need.

Take deep breaths. Research indicates that the calmest people take the most deep breaths throughout the day. It helps them feel centered and more peaceful. It helps to regulate the nervous system and calm down the body. Practice. It starts to become a healthy coping strategy when feeling stressed.

Set clear boundaries. Sometimes we need to say “no” to things and people. Do you have some toxic people in your life that take time and energy away from what really matters? It's a healthy and an important part of creating more balance. Setting boundaries can be hard for people pleasers. If someone gets upset, it is their issue. You are modeling what it looks like to focus on what matters.

Understand yourself. There is no better way to empower yourself than to know yourself. Do you understand why you have certain triggers? Do you know why you respond to others the way you do? Take time to begin to understand you.

Build a strong support network. This helps us not hold in or carry the stress. We need healthy people to share how we feel and support us in the process. If you don’t feel like you have anyone to turn to, it may be joining a support group, join a church, take a class with people that have similar interests or reach out for help.

Set it in motion. We need to take action in order to feel better and make positive change in our lives. Cut out things that aren’t working for you. Make it a priority today!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

12.02.20

Do You Feel Anxious or Depressed?

Do You Feel Anxious or Depressed?

Many people are dealing with anxiety or depression and have for many years. It can be extremely helpful to explore what is underneath these powerful emotions to move through them and get to the other side.

People suffering from depression often are dealing with stuff from the past, while people overwhelmed with anxiety are worried about the future. Anxiety is defined as having a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Depression typically involves feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.

Everyone at some point has felt anxious or depressed. Is it something you feel from time-to-time or often? If it’s often, it’s important to take time to look at what it might be trying to tell you. There may be something to deal with and work through so you can have more freedom, peace and joy in your life. It doesn’t have to be something you have forever.

Below are five steps to begin making changes.

Don’t run the other way. Many people stuff their feelings because it wasn’t okay to express emotions as children. Now, they are afraid to feel their feelings in fear they will become stuck in them. If we don’t feel our feelings, we can’t move past them. We will stay stuck.
Face your fears. Often, there is something underneath fear that goes back to earlier in our lives. Write down your fears. Are you willing to face it to move through the feelings in order to get to the other side? When we face our fears, we are able to see things differently.
Examine the negative statements. Identify and understand the negative statements you have made about yourself. Is it about being bad, not good enough, inadequate, ugly, unworthy and the list goes on? These need to be explored in order to change them. Our thoughts control our feelings and then how we act. It’s important to work on understanding why we feel this way. Then we can make changes.
Develop healthy coping strategies. How do you deal with your feelings now? Growing up it might have been the best way to deal with the feelings by pushing them down in order to survive. However, how does it work in your life today? Do you stuff or numb them by using the Internet, shopping, drinking, smoking, etc.? Let them out by writing down your feelings and dig deeper.

Don’t give up. You are worth it! You deserve to be happy and feel good about yourself! If we don’t love ourselves, it’s hard to love others fully.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

11.03.20

Speaking Your Truth

Speaking Your Truth

Do you feel afraid to say how you feel in fear of being rejected, abandoned, sounding stupid, not feeling good enough or experiencing too much pain? Did you learn how to communicate your feelings? Many people never learned how to share how they feel in a healthy and productive way so they stuff or numb their emotions in order to try and avoid. Yet, we stay stuck because we never dealt with them. It could be that it wasn’t okay to feel because you had to be strong, brave or shake off the feelings.

Speaking your truth is about communicating your feelings and thoughts. We learn to let go of others’ expectations and say how we feel in order to experience freedom and joy in their lives. If we don’t speak our truth, it can lead to health issues and keep us stuck.

Do you tend to hold it in and then explode when you can’t take it anymore? Maybe you are ready for a change and to stop old patterns and negative beliefs about yourself. Below are key steps to take to begin experiencing the freedom of speaking your truth.

Identify your feelings and fears. Explore how you feel by digging deep. Do you feel scared, happy, sad, mad, etc.? Write out what you are feeling, why you are feeling it and what your fears. Connect to where these started and let your pen take over.
Notice how you deal with your feelings. It’s important to explore what you do with your feelings if you don’t share them in a healthy way. Do you eat, drink, shop, use the internet, shut down, watch TV, smoke, keep busy, hide behind anger or control, or intellectualize everything? These are all ways we avoid, stuff or numb our feelings. Know how you deal with your feelings and decide how committed you are to changing it.
Communicate how you feel. It’s not only important to say how you feel, it’s important how you say it. Start by practicing sharing your thoughts in a helpful way. For example, you might say, “I feel _________ (insert feeling word like mad, scared, sad) because ____________________ I need/want_____________________.” It might look like this when you are communicating to your spouse about a trust issue, “I feel afraid you are going to leave me because that is what happened to my mom. I need to know you are committed to this relationship whatever it takes.” Avoid saying, “You always or never____.” This will cause disconnection and a possible argument.

Make a change and see where it takes you.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.