Author: Kristen

12.16.20

5 Ways to Create More Balance

5 Ways to Create More Balance

Do you feel out of balance with your life? Do you feel overwhelmed with trying to work, manage family life and volunteering? Do you feel like you are just going through the motions and not really living in the present moment because you are thinking about your to do list? You are not alone!

We now live in a world where we are plugged in twenty-four hours a day, making it more challenging to unplug from the stress of everyday life. Sometimes we can feel like a gerbil on a wheel - going non-stop. Sometimes we feel so overwhelmed that we don’t even know where to begin. And, we simply feel stuck like we are spinning our wheels in the mud.

Below are a few steps to begin creating more balance and less stress in your life. It begins by empowering yourself to make some choices and focus on what you need.

Take deep breaths. Research indicates that the calmest people take the most deep breaths throughout the day. It helps them feel centered and more peaceful. It helps to regulate the nervous system and calm down the body. Practice. It starts to become a healthy coping strategy when feeling stressed.

Set clear boundaries. Sometimes we need to say “no” to things and people. Do you have some toxic people in your life that take time and energy away from what really matters? It's a healthy and an important part of creating more balance. Setting boundaries can be hard for people pleasers. If someone gets upset, it is their issue. You are modeling what it looks like to focus on what matters.

Understand yourself. There is no better way to empower yourself than to know yourself. Do you understand why you have certain triggers? Do you know why you respond to others the way you do? Take time to begin to understand you.

Build a strong support network. This helps us not hold in or carry the stress. We need healthy people to share how we feel and support us in the process. If you don’t feel like you have anyone to turn to, it may be joining a support group, join a church, take a class with people that have similar interests or reach out for help.

Set it in motion. We need to take action in order to feel better and make positive change in our lives. Cut out things that aren’t working for you. Make it a priority today!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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12.02.20

Do You Feel Anxious or Depressed?

Do You Feel Anxious or Depressed?

Many people are dealing with anxiety or depression and have for many years. It can be extremely helpful to explore what is underneath these powerful emotions to move through them and get to the other side.

People suffering from depression often are dealing with stuff from the past, while people overwhelmed with anxiety are worried about the future. Anxiety is defined as having a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Depression typically involves feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.

Everyone at some point has felt anxious or depressed. Is it something you feel from time-to-time or often? If it’s often, it’s important to take time to look at what it might be trying to tell you. There may be something to deal with and work through so you can have more freedom, peace and joy in your life. It doesn’t have to be something you have forever.

Below are five steps to begin making changes.

Don’t run the other way. Many people stuff their feelings because it wasn’t okay to express emotions as children. Now, they are afraid to feel their feelings in fear they will become stuck in them. If we don’t feel our feelings, we can’t move past them. We will stay stuck.
Face your fears. Often, there is something underneath fear that goes back to earlier in our lives. Write down your fears. Are you willing to face it to move through the feelings in order to get to the other side? When we face our fears, we are able to see things differently.
Examine the negative statements. Identify and understand the negative statements you have made about yourself. Is it about being bad, not good enough, inadequate, ugly, unworthy and the list goes on? These need to be explored in order to change them. Our thoughts control our feelings and then how we act. It’s important to work on understanding why we feel this way. Then we can make changes.
Develop healthy coping strategies. How do you deal with your feelings now? Growing up it might have been the best way to deal with the feelings by pushing them down in order to survive. However, how does it work in your life today? Do you stuff or numb them by using the Internet, shopping, drinking, smoking, etc.? Let them out by writing down your feelings and dig deeper.

Don’t give up. You are worth it! You deserve to be happy and feel good about yourself! If we don’t love ourselves, it’s hard to love others fully.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

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11.03.20

Speaking Your Truth

Speaking Your Truth

Do you feel afraid to say how you feel in fear of being rejected, abandoned, sounding stupid, not feeling good enough or experiencing too much pain? Did you learn how to communicate your feelings? Many people never learned how to share how they feel in a healthy and productive way so they stuff or numb their emotions in order to try and avoid. Yet, we stay stuck because we never dealt with them. It could be that it wasn’t okay to feel because you had to be strong, brave or shake off the feelings.

Speaking your truth is about communicating your feelings and thoughts. We learn to let go of others’ expectations and say how we feel in order to experience freedom and joy in their lives. If we don’t speak our truth, it can lead to health issues and keep us stuck.

Do you tend to hold it in and then explode when you can’t take it anymore? Maybe you are ready for a change and to stop old patterns and negative beliefs about yourself. Below are key steps to take to begin experiencing the freedom of speaking your truth.

Identify your feelings and fears. Explore how you feel by digging deep. Do you feel scared, happy, sad, mad, etc.? Write out what you are feeling, why you are feeling it and what your fears. Connect to where these started and let your pen take over.
Notice how you deal with your feelings. It’s important to explore what you do with your feelings if you don’t share them in a healthy way. Do you eat, drink, shop, use the internet, shut down, watch TV, smoke, keep busy, hide behind anger or control, or intellectualize everything? These are all ways we avoid, stuff or numb our feelings. Know how you deal with your feelings and decide how committed you are to changing it.
Communicate how you feel. It’s not only important to say how you feel, it’s important how you say it. Start by practicing sharing your thoughts in a helpful way. For example, you might say, “I feel _________ (insert feeling word like mad, scared, sad) because ____________________ I need/want_____________________.” It might look like this when you are communicating to your spouse about a trust issue, “I feel afraid you are going to leave me because that is what happened to my mom. I need to know you are committed to this relationship whatever it takes.” Avoid saying, “You always or never____.” This will cause disconnection and a possible argument.

Make a change and see where it takes you.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

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10.19.20

Is Your Past Really In The Past?

Is your past really in the past?

Do you wish your past didn’t impact you today? Do you wish you could forget about it? Do you find yourself triggered or upset over what seem to be little things? Do you find your anger out of control? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, more than likely, your past experiences are playing a role in how you feel about yourself, how you interact in relationships, and how you manage your stress.

The past does impact how we show up in relationships. As much as we don’t want this to be true, it’s true. The more we try to numb our feelings, push them down, or try to put them in a compartment, the more we are going to feel out-of-control.

Is it hard dealing with feelings from the past? Yes. Working through the past to get to the other side, leads to a more content, healthy, and fulfilling life. Wouldn’t it be great to work through the past so it’s not running on your hard drive when you don’t want it to?

Below are some key steps to begin the process towards healing and living the life you want.

1. Don’t deny. We don’t want the past to have power over us. By not dealing with it, that is exactly the role it plays – a powerful one. Processing through the hurt, pain, and fear will lead to freedom, having a voice, and getting your power back.
2. Get curious. Notice what you feel and why you feel it. Peel back the layers to get what is underneath and driving your behavior. Get real with yourself.
3. Write it out. Start writing out what you are thinking, feeling, and any patterns you are noticing.
4. Build a strong support system. Reach out and ask for help. This may be a counselor, pastor, friend or joining a support group.
5. Take action now. Commit to taking care of you today!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

09.24.20

Step Into Your Greatness

Step Into Your Greatness

Do you ever feel like you can’t get out of your head? Your mind is filled with the same thoughts that play over and over. Do you worry and have a lot of anxiety? Are you operating out of fear? Are these blocks stopping you from stepping into your worth?

When we start waking up to our inner self, we can start changing it. Awareness is the first step to making change. Below are some immediate steps you can take to begin shifting your self-worth and stepping into your greatness.

Change your thoughts. Your thoughts determine your feelings and your feelings determine your behavior. It’s important we work on changing our thoughts. When you are fearful or anxious, focus on being grateful. It can be as simple as being thankful for the ability to see or hear or observing nature and noticing what you appreciate. An attitude of gratitude can instantly change your mood. Keep a gratitude journal and write it in to start and end your day.
Do something different. Have you heard the saying, “What you resist will persist?” Are you in resistance to something in your life such as change because you are afraid of pain, getting hurt, or failing? If so, you are going to stay stuck in the same pattern and way of thinking and being. If you do the same thing, you will get the same results. For example, when you feel angry or afraid, instead of yelling, screaming, or withdrawing, take a walk and be intentional about it. So, if you want more peace or joy, focus on getting more of these.
Try on different ways of being. If you want more joy in your life, try stepping into joyfulness. Walk around as if you are joyful. If you want to be more flexible, try being flexible in different situations. We are all born these pure souls and then we are layered with childhood stuff, trauma, society, peer pressure and so on. We want to get back to who we are at the core.
Develop a vision. We think in pictures. Picture the vision for your life and how you want to be or act. Having a vision can lead you to change your thoughts, feelings, and to take action!

You are here for a purpose! It’s never too late to get rid of the old negative tapes that started early in your life and be the person you were created to be!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

08.03.20

What Brings You Happiness?

What brings you happiness?

What does happiness mean to you? Does it mean peace, loving and accepting yourself, stepping into your worth or something else? Stop and really think about the question. Figuring this out can be extremely powerful and life changing.

Is happiness about achievements, stuff, money, beauty, or how many likes you have on your Facebook status updates? Maybe it is about helping others, growing, learning, giving back, living out your purpose, feeling good about who you are, making a contribution and difference in the world by showing up and being you, or living with intention.

We live in a society that encourages us to buy into materialism, beauty, wealth, fame, moving to the top, and how many friends you have on Facebook. We think this is the way to happiness. We think this will bring us happiness, worth, and importance. Ultimately, we end up in a black hole because it never is enough. We end up not feeling important, good enough, or adequate. There are many people that have what appears to be it all yet they are miserable.

Here are a few suggestions when reflecting on the topic of happiness.

Explore your vision for happiness. What would happiness look like? Would it be more about self-acceptance, forgiveness, letting go, and having more inner peace? Would it be living out your purpose?
Surround yourself with people that are encouraging. It is important that we have some cheerleaders in our lives that mirror back to us our worth for simply being who we are. When we look at a baby, they are pure souls with no layers. We are all inherently worthy. We just may not believe it based on our past.
Get vulnerable with safe people. It is essential to be able to stand in our power and speak our truth with love and grace. Connection comes from opening up and really sharing who we are with others. It is the heartbeat to joy.
Be a giver, not a taker. There are people that give from their heart and there are people that suck energy out of a room. Show up and give. It is a life changer!

Change your thoughts. If you feel like you are unworthy, notice what you are telling yourself. It probably comes from the past. When we work on changing how we see ourselves, we gain more self-acceptance and greater peace.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community or check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

07.11.20

Judgment

The big “J”: Judgment

Why do we all judge ourselves and others? Do you feel like your own worst critic? Do you find yourself being critical and judgmental of those around you? It plays such a large role in our society and has an impact on how we see ourselves. It can keep us stuck in our stuff and closed off to others.

We all judge to one degree or another. Many people have a deep fear of being judged because of the pain and rejection that can come along with it. For example, you may not speak up because of the fear of what people will think and that sense of not being good enough so you hide in order to not have to face the judgment. If we give it power, the feeling of being judged can create a sense of low self-worth and insignificance.

Typically what we judge in another is what we don’t like about ourselves. I love the saying, “Judgment doesn’t define who they are it defines who you are.” How would the world look if we judged less and loved more?

There are a few key areas to explore when it comes to judgment. It might be helpful to write down your answers to these questions or journal.

What is your first memory of experiencing judgment? Often people can pull up their first memory of feeling judged. It might have been in school or at home. It often becomes a tape that plays in your mind for years and years later. It becomes a way to beat ourselves up.
Who and what do you judge? Yourself, your spouse, other parents, neighbors, friends, co-workers, family members, etc. Dig deep to try and figure out what is it about the other person or yourself that really gets under your skin.
What purpose does judgment play in your life? Do you feel better or worse when you are judging?

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community or check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

06.09.20

Turning Inner Struggle Into Inner Peace

Turning Inner Struggle Into Inner Peace

Do you feel unworthy, unloved, unimportant, or not good enough? Do you remember when you started to feel this way? Most likely, it started some time ago. We may deny, cover-up, or stuff how we feel. The power comes when we stop and decide to deal with how we feel about ourselves. As a result, life shifts and we become more content with yourself, which includes our imperfections. We stop looking outside of ourselves for worthiness and acceptance. It truly begins within.

Everyone has something they struggle with inside because we are human beings. It may appear that others have it all together. We don’t know what struggles they might have or what happens behind closed doors. They may be hiding, covering up, or in denial about what they are really feeling or it is too scary to share it with others.

We often live in fear of really being who we are because we are afraid of getting hurt or may have a fear of abandonment or rejection. We want to have a sense of belonging and acceptance.

Below are a few steps to take to begin stepping into your worth and taking charge of how you see yourself.

Make working on you a priority. Working on stepping into your worthiness and value has to come from your desire to want to do the self-work, which includes working on the mind, body, and spirit. The desire has to come from within. We can’t change others and they can’t change us.
Don’t give up. This isn’t an easy process. It is hard work yet it’s the most powerful and transformational work you will do. It is rewarding and life changing. Build a healthy and safe support team.
Stop beating yourself up. It begins by working on changing your thoughts. Ask yourself, “Is this helping me to feel better?” We tend to be our own worst critics. This only keeps us stuck in the same patterns.
Give yourself grace. It’s important we reflect on our patterns and choices, learn the lesson, and then let it go. It doesn’t help for us to have it play as a tape over and over. This just keeps us from growing and moving forward.

Feed your spirit. It’s important you take time daily to work on feeding your spirit. Read an inspirational or motivational book or write out your favorite quotes or sayings on notecards and keep them with you as reminders that you are enough and worth it!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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06.03.20

Are You Stuck in Your Anger?

Are You Stuck in Your Anger?

We can all relate to getting angry. Anger is a normal human emotion. It is often triggered by a sense of endangerment by an outright physical threat or by a threat to our self-esteem or dignity. Common triggers for anger include “being treated unjustly or rudely, being insulted or demeaned, and being frustrated in pursuing an important goal.” (Goleman, 1995) Fear and sadness are commonly underneath feelings of anger.

A few key questions to explore when dealing with anger include the following:

How often do you get angry?
Do you feel angry most of the time or every now and again?
Were your parents or primary caregivers angry often?
How did they express their anger, in healthy or unhealthy ways?
How has anger impacted your relationships?
How do you handle your anger?
What is your fear?

Many people were never taught how to express or handle their feelings, including anger. Perhaps, when you were growing up it wasn’t okay to be angry or maybe anger was the primary emotion that was expressed. Many of us didn’t learn how to self-regulate. In other words, we didn’t know how to identify or handle our feelings.

There is a myth that “venting” your anger will make you feel better. In reality, it often makes you feel worse because of the aftermath. “Venting” is a concept that began in the 1960s. At the time, it was believed that venting or letting it out would serve to free up the pent up feelings and somehow lead to healing.

Volumes of research studies have revealed that “venting” actually increases anger, rage, and other intense emotions. It is counterproductive. Venting is banned in most anger management programs.

Below are some key strategies to learn how to regulate your anger.

Recognize and label your feelings.
Understand your triggers.
Identify your fear and where it comes from.
Learn to use self-talk to calm down.
Take a deep breath and count to 10.
Ask yourself if it’s worth the price to express your anger in unhealthy ways or are you ready, willing, and committed to working on yourself and working through your anger? It’s critical you get to the root of the fear and where the anger comes from. Once we make peace with it, the anger often begins to decrease and we are able to calm ourselves down.
Take time to learn from the times you do get angry. This might lead to a need to forgive someone else or yourself or a breakthrough to change it.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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04.13.20

Passion Leads to Purpose

Passion Leads to Purpose

What do you feel passionate about? What do you love (besides your family, children, and friends)? Our passion often leads us to our purpose in life. For example, I am absolutely passionate about helping people work through blocks or barriers such as hurt, guilt, shame, and self-doubt in order to experience the freedom to be authentically who they are.

I believe when you find your passion, you will experience freedom, happiness and, ultimately, less anxiety and more peace. It sounds so simple. However, many people do not really know what they are passionate about because they have lost a sense of who they are. We have spent so much time trying to please others or creating stories about why we can’t do something. What if you could change this? How would your life be different?

Below are some questions to ask yourself in order to find and live out your passion, which will lead you to your purpose.

What do you get excited about? Technology, gardening, helping others, interior design, leadership, finances, health, fitness, writing, photography, art, managing projects, and the list goes on. Identify and write down the areas you love.

What are the blocks or limiting beliefs that hold you back from pursuing it either personally or professionally? Look at your thoughts around placing more emphasis on this area. What are you telling yourself? I’m not good enough. I don’t have the time or money. Whatever it is, work on deleting this from your thoughts and replacing them with the opposite statement.

How do you feel when you are doing what you love? Do you feel less anxious and happier? Do you find yourself thinking about it often?

Do you have a plan on how to live it out? Create more time in your calendar or research what additional information or resources you might need to integrate this more in your life. Maybe it’s getting a coach or mentor to help keep you on track, reduce your fears and work on your limiting conversations. Set goals and make them happen.

Living out your purpose may mean a different job or it may mean focusing your time differently or making your passion more of a priority in your life. We all matter and have a purpose. It’s never too late to create what you want.

This quote by Bob Proctor summarizes what this all means, “Your purpose explains what you are doing with your life. Your vision explains how you are living your purpose. Your goals enable you to realize your vision.”

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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