Author: Kristen

01.19.21

Marriage is a Mirror

Marriage is a Mirror

Do you feel unhappy in your marriage? Do you wish your partner would change? Have you found yourself wishing your partner would meet your needs? Do you wish your partner would grow up or wake up? If you answered yes to any of these questions you are not alone.

It’s important to begin with a fact. We cannot change someone else no matter how much we try. We can’t make someone want to change no matter what we say or do. They have to want to grow and do their own work. We spend a lot of lost time trying to get someone to see the light.

Couples therapy is not about fixing someone in the relationship. It’s about each partner getting curious about their own triggers, their behavior and taking ownership for growing and learning a healthier way to show up. Marriages, along with parenthood, mirror back deeper issues for us to explore.

Begin by working on you. All change first has to start with you. Write out what you want to work on and why you want to work on them. Take ownership for your needs and emotions.
Your worth or value doesn’t come from someone else. Your security has to come from within. Often if we didn’t get our needs met earlier in life, we look to someone else to heal the pain of the past. We project our needs onto our partner and when they don’t meet them, it recreates the same unhealthy cycle.
Don’t push down your feelings or bury your pain. If we don’t feel, we don’t heal. We have to learn to deal with feelings and not numb or bury our pain. We look to our partner to make things better or heal our hurt. Journaling is an excellent way to process through them and gain insight into our behavior.
Keep in mind it is never too late to begin this journey. It leads to freedom, joy and the ability to cope with hard things in life. Go within to find the healing instead of looking on the outside.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

01.12.21

New Year Means New Beginnings

New Year Means New Beginnings

The new year often brings a chance for new beginnings and an opportunity to focus on what really matters. We can set new intentions and create an action plan to make change in our life. It’s a chance to rethink old patterns and establish better ones. It’s a chance to really get clear on what you want, which leads to better health and more happiness.

Sometimes we want to make changes, but don’t know where to begin. Below are a few suggestions to get the ball rolling.

Figure out who you are and what you are passionate about. Take time to write down a description of you and what you get excited about. What do you feel passionate about? What really matters to you? What is your highest value? For example, you may discover you are not taking care of yourself. So, you may want to think about what you are going to do to take care of yourself such as getting a massage, walking three times a week or getting more connected spiritually. Maybe you have always loved tennis or painting and want to create more time for them this year.

2. Work through issues from the past. Sometimes we let our past have a lot of power over us. It can keep us stuck in anger and resentment. In order to eliminate roadblocks, it is extremely important to work through past issues or hurts. This gives us clarity and freedom to let go and move on. It means facing the pain of the past and moving through the feelings that go along with it.

3. Get outside your comfort zone. Change can be uncomfortable and hard. It’s like writing with the opposite hand. So if you’re right-handed, it will be extremely uncomfortable to write with the left hand. However, you are going to grow and evolve. After a while, you will get more used to it and it won’t be so uncomfortable. Move into the fear. Don’t let the fear dominate your thinking and keep you from getting what you want in your life.

4. Write out an action plan. This is an important step. What are the things you need to do in order to make a change? Do you need to change your routine? Follow the plan for 21 days consecutively. Research indicates the change is more likely to stick.

5. Give to others. Start your day with gratitude and thinking about how you can make a difference in the world. Change starts with one person at a time – let it start with you!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

12.29.20

Top 10 Most Downloaded Close the Chapter Podcast Episodes in 2020

Top 10 Most Downloaded Close the Chapter Podcast Episodes in 2020

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued support of the Close the Chapter Podcast! It’s hard to believe the first episode aired on April 22, 2019. We have released over 89 solo and guest episodes.

My mission and goal for the podcast was and continues to be helping you find powerful, practical and purposeful tools and information to begin transforming your life. And, I want to help change the global conversation around mental health. I hope it provides extra encouragement, support and inspiration to keep doing the hard work of healing, improving your sense of worth and value, and making sustainable changes.

By subscribing, writing meaningful reviews, sharing episodes and posting on social media, you are making a huge difference.

Relationships with yourself and others are the most important work we can do. By learning how to have more authentic and vulnerable conversations, you begin to create inner peace, calm, clarity, contentment and compassion.

When you feel sad, lonely, anxious, afraid, angry, joyful or excited, tune into an episode based on what you might need or just binge listen instead of watching a show. I’m available 24-7 on any podcast platform. 🙂

Below are the 10 most downloaded episodes.

Make a commitment to take care of yourself. I’m here to cheer you on!

#1 - Episode 47 - Healing From Childhood Emotional Neglect with Dr. Jonice Webb

#2 - Episode 28 - It's Not Always Depression with Hilary Jacobs Hendel

#3 - Episode 20 - Codependency with Terri Cole

#4 - Episode 1 - Become the Real Authentic YOU

#5 - Episode 31 - Healing the Inner Child with Rachel Hall, LMHC

#6 - Episode 46 - Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free with Nancy Levin

#7 - Episode 17 - Abandonment Issues

#8 - Episode 30 - Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Self-doubt with Lara Riggio

#9 - Episode 42 - Breaking Up With Sugar with Molly Carmel

#10 - Episode 48 - Communication Skills That Will Change Your Life

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

12.16.20

5 Ways to Create More Balance

5 Ways to Create More Balance

Do you feel out of balance with your life? Do you feel overwhelmed with trying to work, manage family life and volunteering? Do you feel like you are just going through the motions and not really living in the present moment because you are thinking about your to do list? You are not alone!

We now live in a world where we are plugged in twenty-four hours a day, making it more challenging to unplug from the stress of everyday life. Sometimes we can feel like a gerbil on a wheel - going non-stop. Sometimes we feel so overwhelmed that we don’t even know where to begin. And, we simply feel stuck like we are spinning our wheels in the mud.

Below are a few steps to begin creating more balance and less stress in your life. It begins by empowering yourself to make some choices and focus on what you need.

Take deep breaths. Research indicates that the calmest people take the most deep breaths throughout the day. It helps them feel centered and more peaceful. It helps to regulate the nervous system and calm down the body. Practice. It starts to become a healthy coping strategy when feeling stressed.

Set clear boundaries. Sometimes we need to say “no” to things and people. Do you have some toxic people in your life that take time and energy away from what really matters? It's a healthy and an important part of creating more balance. Setting boundaries can be hard for people pleasers. If someone gets upset, it is their issue. You are modeling what it looks like to focus on what matters.

Understand yourself. There is no better way to empower yourself than to know yourself. Do you understand why you have certain triggers? Do you know why you respond to others the way you do? Take time to begin to understand you.

Build a strong support network. This helps us not hold in or carry the stress. We need healthy people to share how we feel and support us in the process. If you don’t feel like you have anyone to turn to, it may be joining a support group, join a church, take a class with people that have similar interests or reach out for help.

Set it in motion. We need to take action in order to feel better and make positive change in our lives. Cut out things that aren’t working for you. Make it a priority today!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

12.02.20

Do You Feel Anxious or Depressed?

Do You Feel Anxious or Depressed?

Many people are dealing with anxiety or depression and have for many years. It can be extremely helpful to explore what is underneath these powerful emotions to move through them and get to the other side.

People suffering from depression often are dealing with stuff from the past, while people overwhelmed with anxiety are worried about the future. Anxiety is defined as having a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Depression typically involves feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.

Everyone at some point has felt anxious or depressed. Is it something you feel from time-to-time or often? If it’s often, it’s important to take time to look at what it might be trying to tell you. There may be something to deal with and work through so you can have more freedom, peace and joy in your life. It doesn’t have to be something you have forever.

Below are five steps to begin making changes.

Don’t run the other way. Many people stuff their feelings because it wasn’t okay to express emotions as children. Now, they are afraid to feel their feelings in fear they will become stuck in them. If we don’t feel our feelings, we can’t move past them. We will stay stuck.
Face your fears. Often, there is something underneath fear that goes back to earlier in our lives. Write down your fears. Are you willing to face it to move through the feelings in order to get to the other side? When we face our fears, we are able to see things differently.
Examine the negative statements. Identify and understand the negative statements you have made about yourself. Is it about being bad, not good enough, inadequate, ugly, unworthy and the list goes on? These need to be explored in order to change them. Our thoughts control our feelings and then how we act. It’s important to work on understanding why we feel this way. Then we can make changes.
Develop healthy coping strategies. How do you deal with your feelings now? Growing up it might have been the best way to deal with the feelings by pushing them down in order to survive. However, how does it work in your life today? Do you stuff or numb them by using the Internet, shopping, drinking, smoking, etc.? Let them out by writing down your feelings and dig deeper.

Don’t give up. You are worth it! You deserve to be happy and feel good about yourself! If we don’t love ourselves, it’s hard to love others fully.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

11.03.20

Speaking Your Truth

Speaking Your Truth

Do you feel afraid to say how you feel in fear of being rejected, abandoned, sounding stupid, not feeling good enough or experiencing too much pain? Did you learn how to communicate your feelings? Many people never learned how to share how they feel in a healthy and productive way so they stuff or numb their emotions in order to try and avoid. Yet, we stay stuck because we never dealt with them. It could be that it wasn’t okay to feel because you had to be strong, brave or shake off the feelings.

Speaking your truth is about communicating your feelings and thoughts. We learn to let go of others’ expectations and say how we feel in order to experience freedom and joy in their lives. If we don’t speak our truth, it can lead to health issues and keep us stuck.

Do you tend to hold it in and then explode when you can’t take it anymore? Maybe you are ready for a change and to stop old patterns and negative beliefs about yourself. Below are key steps to take to begin experiencing the freedom of speaking your truth.

Identify your feelings and fears. Explore how you feel by digging deep. Do you feel scared, happy, sad, mad, etc.? Write out what you are feeling, why you are feeling it and what your fears. Connect to where these started and let your pen take over.
Notice how you deal with your feelings. It’s important to explore what you do with your feelings if you don’t share them in a healthy way. Do you eat, drink, shop, use the internet, shut down, watch TV, smoke, keep busy, hide behind anger or control, or intellectualize everything? These are all ways we avoid, stuff or numb our feelings. Know how you deal with your feelings and decide how committed you are to changing it.
Communicate how you feel. It’s not only important to say how you feel, it’s important how you say it. Start by practicing sharing your thoughts in a helpful way. For example, you might say, “I feel _________ (insert feeling word like mad, scared, sad) because ____________________ I need/want_____________________.” It might look like this when you are communicating to your spouse about a trust issue, “I feel afraid you are going to leave me because that is what happened to my mom. I need to know you are committed to this relationship whatever it takes.” Avoid saying, “You always or never____.” This will cause disconnection and a possible argument.

Make a change and see where it takes you.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

10.19.20

Is Your Past Really In The Past?

Is your past really in the past?

Do you wish your past didn’t impact you today? Do you wish you could forget about it? Do you find yourself triggered or upset over what seem to be little things? Do you find your anger out of control? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, more than likely, your past experiences are playing a role in how you feel about yourself, how you interact in relationships, and how you manage your stress.

The past does impact how we show up in relationships. As much as we don’t want this to be true, it’s true. The more we try to numb our feelings, push them down, or try to put them in a compartment, the more we are going to feel out-of-control.

Is it hard dealing with feelings from the past? Yes. Working through the past to get to the other side, leads to a more content, healthy, and fulfilling life. Wouldn’t it be great to work through the past so it’s not running on your hard drive when you don’t want it to?

Below are some key steps to begin the process towards healing and living the life you want.

1. Don’t deny. We don’t want the past to have power over us. By not dealing with it, that is exactly the role it plays – a powerful one. Processing through the hurt, pain, and fear will lead to freedom, having a voice, and getting your power back.
2. Get curious. Notice what you feel and why you feel it. Peel back the layers to get what is underneath and driving your behavior. Get real with yourself.
3. Write it out. Start writing out what you are thinking, feeling, and any patterns you are noticing.
4. Build a strong support system. Reach out and ask for help. This may be a counselor, pastor, friend or joining a support group.
5. Take action now. Commit to taking care of you today!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

09.24.20

Step Into Your Greatness

Step Into Your Greatness

Do you ever feel like you can’t get out of your head? Your mind is filled with the same thoughts that play over and over. Do you worry and have a lot of anxiety? Are you operating out of fear? Are these blocks stopping you from stepping into your worth?

When we start waking up to our inner self, we can start changing it. Awareness is the first step to making change. Below are some immediate steps you can take to begin shifting your self-worth and stepping into your greatness.

Change your thoughts. Your thoughts determine your feelings and your feelings determine your behavior. It’s important we work on changing our thoughts. When you are fearful or anxious, focus on being grateful. It can be as simple as being thankful for the ability to see or hear or observing nature and noticing what you appreciate. An attitude of gratitude can instantly change your mood. Keep a gratitude journal and write it in to start and end your day.
Do something different. Have you heard the saying, “What you resist will persist?” Are you in resistance to something in your life such as change because you are afraid of pain, getting hurt, or failing? If so, you are going to stay stuck in the same pattern and way of thinking and being. If you do the same thing, you will get the same results. For example, when you feel angry or afraid, instead of yelling, screaming, or withdrawing, take a walk and be intentional about it. So, if you want more peace or joy, focus on getting more of these.
Try on different ways of being. If you want more joy in your life, try stepping into joyfulness. Walk around as if you are joyful. If you want to be more flexible, try being flexible in different situations. We are all born these pure souls and then we are layered with childhood stuff, trauma, society, peer pressure and so on. We want to get back to who we are at the core.
Develop a vision. We think in pictures. Picture the vision for your life and how you want to be or act. Having a vision can lead you to change your thoughts, feelings, and to take action!

You are here for a purpose! It’s never too late to get rid of the old negative tapes that started early in your life and be the person you were created to be!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

08.03.20

What Brings You Happiness?

What brings you happiness?

What does happiness mean to you? Does it mean peace, loving and accepting yourself, stepping into your worth or something else? Stop and really think about the question. Figuring this out can be extremely powerful and life changing.

Is happiness about achievements, stuff, money, beauty, or how many likes you have on your Facebook status updates? Maybe it is about helping others, growing, learning, giving back, living out your purpose, feeling good about who you are, making a contribution and difference in the world by showing up and being you, or living with intention.

We live in a society that encourages us to buy into materialism, beauty, wealth, fame, moving to the top, and how many friends you have on Facebook. We think this is the way to happiness. We think this will bring us happiness, worth, and importance. Ultimately, we end up in a black hole because it never is enough. We end up not feeling important, good enough, or adequate. There are many people that have what appears to be it all yet they are miserable.

Here are a few suggestions when reflecting on the topic of happiness.

Explore your vision for happiness. What would happiness look like? Would it be more about self-acceptance, forgiveness, letting go, and having more inner peace? Would it be living out your purpose?
Surround yourself with people that are encouraging. It is important that we have some cheerleaders in our lives that mirror back to us our worth for simply being who we are. When we look at a baby, they are pure souls with no layers. We are all inherently worthy. We just may not believe it based on our past.
Get vulnerable with safe people. It is essential to be able to stand in our power and speak our truth with love and grace. Connection comes from opening up and really sharing who we are with others. It is the heartbeat to joy.
Be a giver, not a taker. There are people that give from their heart and there are people that suck energy out of a room. Show up and give. It is a life changer!

Change your thoughts. If you feel like you are unworthy, notice what you are telling yourself. It probably comes from the past. When we work on changing how we see ourselves, we gain more self-acceptance and greater peace.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community or check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

07.11.20

Judgment

The big “J”: Judgment

Why do we all judge ourselves and others? Do you feel like your own worst critic? Do you find yourself being critical and judgmental of those around you? It plays such a large role in our society and has an impact on how we see ourselves. It can keep us stuck in our stuff and closed off to others.

We all judge to one degree or another. Many people have a deep fear of being judged because of the pain and rejection that can come along with it. For example, you may not speak up because of the fear of what people will think and that sense of not being good enough so you hide in order to not have to face the judgment. If we give it power, the feeling of being judged can create a sense of low self-worth and insignificance.

Typically what we judge in another is what we don’t like about ourselves. I love the saying, “Judgment doesn’t define who they are it defines who you are.” How would the world look if we judged less and loved more?

There are a few key areas to explore when it comes to judgment. It might be helpful to write down your answers to these questions or journal.

What is your first memory of experiencing judgment? Often people can pull up their first memory of feeling judged. It might have been in school or at home. It often becomes a tape that plays in your mind for years and years later. It becomes a way to beat ourselves up.
Who and what do you judge? Yourself, your spouse, other parents, neighbors, friends, co-workers, family members, etc. Dig deep to try and figure out what is it about the other person or yourself that really gets under your skin.
What purpose does judgment play in your life? Do you feel better or worse when you are judging?

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community or check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.