fbpx
Audiogram (9)

Understanding Neuroscience to Heal Your Emotional Pain and Calm the Inner Critic | 7.5.2023

In this episode, Kristen talks with Sarah Peyton, a neuroscience educator and author, about her transformative journey from battling inner critics to finding healing and resilience. They dive into the profound impact of relational trauma on the brain and explore the power of resonance in changing and healing the self.

You'll Learn

  • The fascinating connection between neuroscience, relational trauma, and our brain's response to healing.
  • How resonance can be used as a tool to heal and change our internal narrative
  • The significance of understanding and addressing transgenerational trauma and its impact on our inner voices.
  • Practical strategies and insights for developing a more compassionate and resonant relationship with yourself and others.

www.sarahpeyton.com

Resources

For counseling services near Indianapolis, IN, visit www.pathwaystohealingcounseling.com.

Subscribe and Get a free 5-day journal at www.kristendboice.com/freeresources to begin closing the chapter on what doesn’t serve you and open the door to the real you.

Subscribe to the Close the Chapter YouTube Channel

This information is being provided to you for educational and informational purposes only. It is being provided to you to educate you about ideas on stress management and as a self-help tool for your own use. It is not psychotherapy/counseling in any form.

Kristen

Welcome to the Close the Chapter podcast. I am Kristen Boice a licenced Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice pathways to healing counselling. Through conversations, education, strategies and shared stories. We will be closing the chapter on all the thoughts, feelings, people and circumstances that don't serve you anymore. And open the door to possibilities and the real you. You won't want to miss an episode, so be sure to subscribe. Welcome to the close the chapter podcast. I am so excited for my guest today Sarah Peyton. I must tell you, I was telling Sarah before we started to record that I read her homepage and the introduction that she introduces herself with and I loved it so much. I asked her permission if I could just read that as an intro, you getting to know Sarah for our conversation today. So I'm going to read it to you because it's just so beautiful. She says Hello, I'm Sarah. I'm a neuroscience educator, constellations facilitator, certified nonviolent communication trainer and author who invites audiences into compassionate understanding of the effects of relational trauma on the brain and teach us about how to use resonance to change and heal. But it wasn't always this way. This is what so I know it's gonna resonate for so many of you. I used to struggle with brutal anxiety and depression. I was in constant battle with a savagely self critical inner voice that told me I was worthless, stupid and unlovable. And I know so many of you feel this way. Before I understood the science of how difficult events impact our automatic brain patterning and how trauma fragments our capacity for self warmth. I thought I was just playing broken. But there's nothing wrong with me nor with you. We make sense. No matter what challenging feelings we have, no matter how flawed our strategies are for trying to get our needs met. I am thrilled to share what I've learned about how trauma impacts the brain and how we can move into joyful relationship with ourselves and others through resonant healing. I dream of a world where all humans have a sense of belonging and mattering, where we treat ourselves, the planet and the beings around us with gentleness and care. Do you have this longing to? If so you're in the right place? Welcome, Sarah.

Sarah

Thank you, Kristen, what a pleasure to be introduced. In this way.

Kristen

Heart is just like expanding with so much warmth, and joy and compassion and tenderness that felt so authentic and vulnerable to share. Yes. So tell me about how you went from your inner critic, which is said that you're unlovable, you're stupid, you're unworthy to now this place of healing that you're on

Sarah

was such a fun journey. When I was little I was born in 1962. And when as the Lamb have been like 13 years old and thinking, Oh, things are no good inside of me, and then trying to claim psychology texts and things in then I would be it but between 10 and 1319 75. Approximately, the textbook said whatever happened in the first three years of life is set in stone, you're screwed. That's comforting. It's like, oh, no, I just have to live with this. So I'm laughing because I mean, it's sort of worth it for a 13 year old to be up against that. But I'm laughing because of course now we know that the brain changes so much. With the warned and the lacerating voices within us they respond to being noticed and met with resonance. First of all, a such an interesting thing about that word stupid, which so many of us use about ourselves. I certainly learned it from my father, he would call himself stupid. He didn't call me stupid, but because he called himself stupid, I would call myself stupid, and turns out that we internalise our parents self critical voices. So we're always doing transgenerational healing work when we start working with the way that our brains treat us. And it's such a lovely thing to be able to do work that allows our brains to begin to treat us nicely. Yeah, just stop there and see where your interests take. Yeah,

Kristen

I just think this whole piece about we internalise I mean, what we're around our parents in particular, are primary caregivers in this idea that your dad said, I am stupid. And this people here, I'm an idiot, I'm so stupid, and that you internalise that and it becomes a belief, it becomes a way and you're so afraid to show up because you think someone's gonna think you're stupid.

Sarah

Well, not just think but they'll find out, right? It's like if we believe it, if we carry it as a conviction, we're just trying not to burden the world with our stupidity. And we're just trying to move as incognito as possible in order to not make more of a mess.

Kristen

So how did you discover so you read and this sounds so much like me? I was reading the psychology books for young and I'd be on spring break in college reading me In search for meaning, and people usually like this, oh, I had a thirst for this. So we're I mean, they're very. Yeah,

Sarah

I mean, what I'm going to read that's beautiful that you've found it when you were in college.

Kristen

Yes. And I love his work. How did you start to discover neuroscience and the impact of healing body and brain in? Where did that begin for you,

Sarah

I had a really peculiar experience, my husband and I ended up kind of informally adopting a kid who was abandoned by his parents who was about 15 years old and had a tonne of trauma. And my sweet, sweet husband, actually, when he found out that the kid didn't have anywhere to live, he went down into our basement, were in a one bedroom house, and went to our basement, which was completely unfinished. And he made a room for this kit. So this wonderful boy moved in with us with all of his drama, I couldn't hug him, I would go to hug him. And he was it who needed Hudson loved hugs, I couldn't hug him, I was just like, my iris would stop. And I just figured, well, I'm stuck with it. It's just brain, nothing's ever going to change. And then I went to this nonviolent communication workshop, and people were like, choose something you think that you're struggling with that you don't think you don't have any hope about this to some residents, let's do some empathy for that. People started to guess my feelings. That means everything I'd met before then was advice. Everybody gave me advice about how I'm supposed to do it differently, or that it was dangerous to bring a homeless kid into the house, or he was gonna murder us in our sleep, we got all messed up. But nobody was thinking in this way, which is really the movement into resonance, where each other's feelings make sense. And so people were like, I wonder if you're feeling scared. I described not being able to hug my son. No, no, if you're feeling scared, and you just want protection for both of you, and just like making all these wonderful guesses for me, instead of advice, I was sitting in a circle and everybody was focused on me. And I had this really intense experience. It was like a flashback. I mean, it was a bad thing, but not a bad flashback, if you know what I mean, returned to being three years old. And I felt myself reaching out dad, my mother and my mom who had so much trauma, talk about transgenerational trauma and healing. She would stiffen when I got a hugger. Such a sensitive kid, I didn't want to make burden on anybody. So I would just like stop my hugs before they even were an impulse, and now was what was in my body, when I would try to hug my son. So the physical movement pattern disappeared. I left that workshop and I was like, Holy crap, what the heck just happened, and I could go home and help my son. I was like, This is wild. It was right at the time. When Interpersonal Neurobiology Daniel Siegel, or start and Matthew Lieberman's research was starting to be published about your name, emotion and the amygdala cones. Now cycle. There's a whole world of interpersonal neurobiology. So I started to teach it and only place I was really teaching at the time was in a woman's prison. And I was just doing volunteer nonviolent communication training and the women's prison and they loved the neuroscience. So I tried to learn more so that they would nourish they're interesting curiosity. And it just went from there into like, and not just women in prison are interested in love this, everybody who's got that scientific curiosity is like, this is so cool. So I wrote a book, which is called your resonant self, all about this journey of how the heck do we change the insides of our brains? So that it's like walking into a warm, cosy, beautiful house that welcomes us home?

Kristen

I'd love that I just, I'm sitting in like, because you're, I get the privilege of seeing you on zoom as we record this podcast, and I feel I can see your environment and it's like, oh, yes, it's warm and cosy and inviting and soothing. So I'm like, Oh, I love that metaphor. How do we begin if something goes wrong? I don't have that relationship with myself. I mean, I am in a shame spiral. I feel like I'm not worthy. I'm all the things you name, I am in a depressive state. I don't feel good about myself. Where does one begin to build this warm, cosy compassionate home within themselves?

Sarah

Oh, this is a wonderful question. It can go in so many different directions. There are many places to start. So I'll just name some of them. One wonderful place to start is by doing just one breath of warmth for the self a day. That seems to be a small enough ask. When if we're coming from a really critical inner environment, then it can be hard to do even one breath, we can aim for one breath of neutrality, instead of one breath of warmth. That can be like a step too far to get to that one breath of warmth, but moving towards one breath of neutrality, especially if we have a little bit of gallows humour about our own brain. It begins to allow us to have doubt about whether the inside of our brain is telling the truth. And in fact, the inside of our brain if we lived through difficult events if our parents had trauma, and then visited in various ways upon us, even if they were lovely love Only people who never hit us or call us names, but still carry their trauma within them unhealed will carry it forward. And so what the inside of our brains is telling us when the inside of our brain says sorry, you're stupid, it's saying things are bad in here. And if I call myself stupid, I will be able to just admit that I'm wrong. And maybe the horrific internal onslaught will stop. So it's almost like all of our negative self talk is a desperate and tragically ineffective way to try to manage the default mode network. And it's pain that's happening on the inside of the brain, we don't feel the physical pain of trauma, so much in our bodies we do if we had a car accident, or if somebody hit us, and we can feel the after effects of that in our body. But the emotional trauma lives in our pain network, without being located in any specific place in our body. So it's an unembodied pain experience, which makes it even worse, because there's no way to say, Oh, I have a broken arm, of course, I'm in pain, what we start to learn to do is to say, Oh, I was terribly alone as a child. No wonder there's all this pain running around in my brain. And it's not telling me the truth. I love to say the phrase, if your brain is being mean to you, it's not truth, it's trauma. So we start to create these seeds of doubt about whether or not our brain is telling us the truth. And this is a very good start. So one breath a day warms, or if you can't get too warm to neutrality, and starting to create seeds of doubt, to begin to carry with us the idea. I even sometimes put it on my bathroom mirror. It's not truth, it's trauma, so that I see it every day. And then the next thing is to begin to learn some of the neuroscience of trauma. And this is interesting and fun. Because it makes so much sense. It turns out that the amygdala, which is a little organ, if you put your fingers in front of your ears, and we point both of them inward, where they go in along that line is approximately where the amygdala is. Yeah, right in there and in between your fingers. And in there are these organs called the amygdala that carry our trauma memories. Turns out that in order to keep us safe, our brains don't timestamp trauma memories, our brains, the amygdala doesn't have any chronological categorization at all. It just knows something bad has happened in response to this particular cue. And now let's let loose on dogs of war inside of our own brains, the cycle of self blame, and of shame, and emotion that we don't have very good words for in English, which I like the words alarmed aloneness, which takes us in the direction of understanding the impact of losing people. We have the word abandonment, but the word abandonment carries within it this idea that somebody sat us down and walked away from us, were alarmed aloneness strips away the idea that somebody has done it to us, but rather just acknowledges the experience of it nervous systems, when we are alone, we are not in any way meant to be alone, we have surprising, subtle things that happen with our nervous system, and our immune system, and even our heartbeat, and our blood glucose. Everything changes in response to whether we have a sense of being accompanied, as soon as we have a sense of being accompanied the very makeup of our response to the world, the cellular response to the world and so many systems changes when we have a sense of being with people who care about us, and to whom we matter and sense of being safe with them. Like they're not ruled by trauma, and they're not going to suddenly lash out at us. Then what happens is the blood starts picking up more oxygen, we become oxygen eat his sense of safety and mattering. The immune system shifts gears from creating the cells that are the inflammation response that are trying to respond to injury that shifts from creating injury response cells to creating the cells that fight viruses and cancer. So, so interesting about COVID. Our experience with COVID. And our experience with isolation, that our natural movement away from contagion is to isolate, then an isolating, then we make ourselves even more vulnerable in our immune system is such an interesting double bind for us as a world in these last three years. And our blood glucose levels are higher. When people go away from us when we're alone, we have to take in more glucose in order to maintain homeostasis. And then another very subtle change that happens is with our ability to decode emotions, the firing muscles of the face and the eyes become engaged in relationship and start to see the nuances of other people's facial expressions and to hear in their voices when our eyes focus on a human face. So if you're in danger, your eyes are darting everywhere, trying to make sure that environment is safe, you don't get to focus on a human face. But when we invite ourselves to focus on a human face, we're sending a message of connection and engagement and safety to our bodies, the muscles of our middle ear tightened to the sound range of the human face. And we start to pick up the nuances of emotion in people's voices as well. So we are extraordinarily made for social connection. Oh, I remembered one more thing, the skin temperature of our hands, falls, when we're alone, its hands and feet falls the extremities, skin temperature falls, because we're trying to conserve body heat. But if we're warmly accompanied, and we have people around us, the skin temperature of our hands and feet rises, because we don't need to be conserving energy, because we're in a shared resourcing. So this, of course, is very interesting information for those of us who lived through the kind of trauma that makes us feel like people are not safe. And so many of us do. And in fact, the lovely neuroscientist who studies some of these subtle differences, his name is James A Cohen is his name, COA en amazing man. What he discovered is that if we don't trust people, then we don't get the same benefit. So we get to trust ourselves. If you're listening to Sarah, right now, and you're going out all feel the same. People, I feel tense when I'm with people you do, it's true, you've got very good historical evidence for that. And part of the healing journey takes us into a differentiation of the people who heard us from our people. And we start to be able to come toward people with an openness, judge them on their present day behaviour rather than pre judging them on our past experience. So that's a part of the healing journey is that our bodies begin to feel more safe with people and start to be able to experience the subtle, nuanced changes.

Kristen

So beautiful. I'm just like picking it all in. Here's a couple of things that stood out to me that you're sharing that I thought were really important. I love this idea of alarmed aloneness versus abandonment. That's a very important distinction. How can someone start to begin peace that out the difference between alarmed aloneness and abandonment, we can

Sarah

ask that we can ask ourselves, one of the lovely and strange things that neuroscience has discovered is that when we use our own name, again, if it feels kind and warm to use our own name, if our parents only used our name to scold us then but if we can get to that warm place, or at least the neutral place, then we can say, Sarah, I wonder are you didn't need any acknowledgement of alarmed aloneness? And if your body relaxes at all, then you go, Oh, that was a body? Yes. And you could say you need any acknowledgement of abandonment. And once you get this differentiation, like, then you start to go, oh, no, I don't think there's anybody who's left me I don't feel abandoned by to the Fiat armed alumnus. And we can of course, feel I've done this for decades, in part because we don't have good words to talk about it. And nobody talks about it. And as Matthew Lieberman showed, with his research about the amygdala, when we actually give the right name to emotional experience, amygdala relaxes, and the body relaxes, the tension in the amygdala in his experiments would fall by half when people would name the right emotion. So if they were feeling alarmed, aloneness, and they said, I feel angry, there would be no change in the amygdala, when we name the correct emotion, our body actually respond to it very odd. And then he was like, why doesn't everybody do this? And he did another experiment, where he said to the people, do you believe that if you name your motion, you're gonna relax and feel better? Now said no.

Kristen

Now they're like, no, sorry, Bob. That does not.

Sarah

And that's because I think he didn't speculate. But my speculation is that that's because we manage the state of not naming our emotions. We manage our lives in a world where it's not okay to name emotions, by not naming them. And as soon as we start to name them, we begin to feel them. And this can be alarming because as we've been going along in this sort of blind pattern of being in alarmed aloneness for several decades, and all of a sudden Sarah says, do you mean any acknowledgement of alarm belongingness or would it be sweet if someone understood how much alarmed aloneness you experience? And we go yes. And then we go dang it. Here it is. All these decades of alarmed aloneness. No, I have to grieve. And that's really good for our bodies. But it's not exactly fun.

Kristen

How do you support yourself for someone else through that, because as a therapist, people do get very flooded and overwhelmed, maybe some repressed or unprocessed emotions,

Sarah

right? One of the things that I find is that whenever we are able to convey and understanding with each other that we make sense, there's a context for our feelings that will because so many times when we're children, we're just told that feeling is a bomb. So we just have this sort of embedded lived sense that if we're angry, we really shouldn't be angry. Or if we're sad, we really shouldn't be sad, because it's a burden on our mother. Or if we're afraid we really shouldn't be afraid because the bullies will then take it out on us, we need to look like we're not afraid ever. And now I'm having sort of this spike of grief about our human condition. And I forgotten what the question was, what was the question?

Kristen

And I'll someone can feel very overwhelmed or flooded by the emotion, which we know is a way the body's releasing, it's no longer holding on to so it can be very healing for the body and overwhelming for the person. How do you support or walk alongside yourself or someone else in that process?

Sarah

context, context context? Of course, you have, of course, you fettled on belongingness for decades, do you need some acknowledgement that the people that were around you when you were little were so traumatised themselves that they could not turn towards you they couldn't see you? They didn't know you had needs, they didn't know they they had their own means. You need some acknowledgement that you have very good historical reasons, lived historical evidence that you weren't alone. Or if somebody's really angry, like, yeah, of course, you would be angry, is it because you love justice, so much is your love of justice so intense and so huge, that there's a rage for a better world, for example, or you just follow? And this is what folks who live in the world of therapy, I think are so good at understanding their clients, understanding the context of their clients lives, and being able to say, Well, does it feel like it came from this context of your childhood of being sold on? Is there some way that we can reach out to that little one who live sold on and let them know that things are slightly different now, let them know that there are people who listen and care about how you feel now, it's an interesting journey, because we live in a culture where whenever anybody has a feeling, we tend to give advice, which actually creates a spike of cortisol in human bodies. It's a way that we're leaving each other alone. It's another little experience of alarmed aloneness, to receive advice, unsolicited advice, when we express a feeling of cortisol is the main emotion for the panic grief circuit, which is where alarmed aloneness lives, we have a number of different emotional circuits, and they all have their own neurotransmitter profile, and cortisol stress our entire stress, it's very interesting to begin to wonder is all of the stress that people live in? Is it really a manifestation of us not knowing how to be safe with each other so that we can relax and experience the subtle changes that are so protective against stress? It's almost like we could speculate that the entire human race with the level of stress that we are in now, the entire human race is struggling with some aspect of alarmed aloneness.

Kristen

I think that isn't 100% True, at least in my clients and my listeners listening have experienced that seems like it's a universal, yeah, alarmed and loneliness can be a universal emotion at some point.

Sarah

cofounding made to be social.

Kristen

Exactly. There's so many places I want to go. But I really want to hear about the circuits. Okay with that, and it's something you could share, because I know there's different the anxiety might be a circuit, I'm guessing, and depression might be a circuit che might be a circuit and my understanding,

Sarah

oh, they're also interesting when it comes to the circuit. This is the work of Jaak Panksepp. He's a lovely researcher, Pa and K SCPP. He died several years ago, he was the one that develop basic emotions theory, which is that our bodies are having a lived experience that is going to be a shared experience between us and all social mammals, that everybody all the little animals who live in groups have emotions. That makes sense. as do we, you can hear the the distress cries, baby mice, when if one of them gets lost and they're calling for their mom or baby seal when the mom comes back from at sublimed aloneness, they're calling out With alarmed aloneness, we're made to call out with our experiences alarmed aloneness. Okay? So we have Panksepp said we have seven circuits on emotion. And they are a few things you can do

Kristen

at any resource and pay if you we just get the gist of it, that's fine. There's a care circuit,

Sarah

which is where we love each other. And when take care of each other, and nurture our children and nurture people that are dependent upon us, there is a seeking circuit, which is the foundation of everything, which is our drive to find food and make money and gain information. So if you're learning new things on this podcast, and you're feeling satisfied and happy, we've got a good flow of dopamine going in your seeking circuit. So the seeking circuit, and then we have the fear circuit, which is something scares us or which can be physical danger, possibly financial danger can be pretty dang scary. And then we've got the range circuit, which is a very interesting and fabulous circuit. The only way to manage the age circuit without using the care circuit to mitigate and support it, is by turning down all of the life energy and all the circuits. So turning down the rage circuit can indeed be a contributor to depression. But it's not the only contributor to depression, because the main thing about depression is the panic grief circuit, which is where alarmed aloneness lives. If I had a visual, I would draw a picture of it. But I'll try to describe the picture. The picture is we experience alarmed aloneness. And as we experience alarmed aloneness, and it's not resolved. So for example, this is a really clear with a baby who's got a depressed mom. The baby needs connection a mom has postnatal depression, the mom cannot respond. The baby reaches and reaches and then finally reaches a state of metabolic exhaustion, which takes the baby toward death. The way the baby turn, manages the metabolic exhaustion without dying, is to go into a collapse in which they don't have to feel the metabolic exhaustion anymore. This is depression. This is the work of Jaak Panksepp and Douglas watt, incredible work, because we don't talk about alarmed aloneness, as a society, people tend to just prescribe drugs and think there's something wrong with the brain. The thing about the depression is that it's not aligned aloneness. It's a protective, enclosed capsular state, which is protective against alarm belongingness. So it's a bit like if you think of Snow White in the glass coffin, that's depression, she's not feeling anything Anhedonia loss of colour in the world, loss of motivation, nobility to take care of the self, everything is too much total exhaustion, we're in that coffin. So that's the big relationship with the circuits and depression is alarmed aloneness panic, we've then stopping the movement towards death and just going into that coffin, it can be something people do really early if they have a mom who's in postnatal depression. It's one of the big indicators of a kind of a lifelong struggle with depression, because we have that state as a go to

Kristen

as embodied in the nervous system.

Sarah

I think I got six of them play in sexuality. That's why it's because they were second

Kristen

there. Yeah,

Sarah

play and sexuality, really fun to explore. And then I added disgust. People were asking the punks up to add disgust as a circuit before he died. And he refused. But if you look at the work of Paul Ekman, whose work I love about facial expressions, there's this definite visual expression of disgust. I think we need to name it because it's kind of its own facial expression. So I am disgust. So I say there are eight circuits, and then naming them and working with them creates enormous movement for clients. It's odd to ask ourselves to become explicit about naming tracks of emotion, but it's really important anxiety you'd mentioned, anxiety actually occurs both in panic grief and in fear. So when somebody says anxiety, we don't yet know what actual circuit is activated. It's really helpful for people for us to understand that the indefinite emotion words don't actually do any resolution for the amygdala. Really? Yeah. So if we say worried, concerned, disturbed, perturbed, troubled, anxious, these are all nonspecific emotion words, which can be a lot easier for clients to manage because, again, remember Matthew Lieberman's research, no, I don't want to name actual emotions. So it's really nice for us to begin to track that this is a superficial level, this list of nonspecific emotional or just a superficial level of connection and that the actual change for the amygdala happens when we do You have to write circuit named was real clarity and definition

Kristen

self look at the core emotions, the seven core emotions. Yeah Is this how does that tie in with our joy, sexual excitement, excitement, fear, anger, disgust? Do I have them all? And it's that the, that's the neuroscience on the core emotions, how to not get into the circuit, they each belong to a circuit, each of those core emotions belongs to a circuit. Yeah, I could see where a sexual excitement would be in the sexuality circuit, right? Joy is

Sarah

in play and excitement is in seeking and anger and rage and fears and fear and grief and sorrow and shame and alarmed aloneness are all in panic, grief.

Kristen

That makes sense. So when we think of these circuits you use the word accompanied was the word you use? And I want to take the words because I think they mean something in the healing journey when we're working with the circuits. Yeah, and we've got a nice Lane accompany is it accompanied Am I saying it correctly, it is a lovely term.

Sarah

And what it means is that over some amount of time, there's enough resonance that the person therapists working with a client and you're accompanying them, then over time, you're creating enough resonance and in that naming of emotional experience, that the client begins to internalise the therapist as an auxiliary part of their own brain, which is what we do with each other. Whenever we meet somebody who is a resource and a therapist is a resource, then if there's a safe relationship, then we begin to bring that person inside of us. So we're walking down the street, we're beating ourselves up and we go, Oh, my purpose, George II would say, of course, you're beating yourself up, you live to terrible trauma. And you learned how to do that to try to take care of yourself. Is that anything like what's happening, Sarah, and then go? Oh, yes, thank you internal George. So this is a company that is resonance over time is the experience of somebody being able to be with us and us being able to take them in.

Kristen

Now, let's say someone says, Well, I don't have a therapist, and I don't really have somebody, I would do this with my inner child, I acknowledge I listen, I offer empathy and compassion. Would that be an accompaniment to?

Sarah

Yes, absolutely. And that's why I wrote my book, which is how you found me, I wrote the book, your resume itself, because I know from firsthand experience, what it's like to not have humans feel safe enough to be able to trust them to talk about anything. So I thought, can I write a book that lets people do a little bit of this journey on their own and start to get to a point where they would be able to work effectively with a therapist or an empathy body or a class or anything that's a healing part of the journey. And so that's what the book offers is, how do you begin to bring some warps to yourself in the experience of having a brain that's been impacted by adverse childhood experiences,

Kristen

I wish we could give this book out like it was candy. So if anybody, if you're resonating with this conversation, please go get your resident self, please. I mean, this is a book you need it. And if you're a parent, I just need to say, I see you I with you, and or you're in a parent, like role, whatever that looks like a teacher, coach, it's so important to do this your own healing work for your family system. I'm very passionate about generational trauma. Can you share a little bit about as a parent, how did this help your son? How did your work? Oh, I've done to him and did it. And I just was curious.

Sarah

Well, he was such a lovely man. We got to keep him with us for 15 years, he lived to be 30. And then he died of alcoholism from the childhood trauma, I was working so hard to try to figure this stuff out. And that's a whole nother story. But as I was travelling around the world with the book, your resin itself, before the pandemic, of course, what I noticed was that people out of integrity would not be able to give themselves so forth. And I think this is a really interesting thing to end with and to close on, is the understanding that we have make contracts with ourselves, not to be good with ourselves, not to be good to ourselves, in order to be in integrity, very strong, unconscious and deep contracts. You're probably thinking, What do you mean integrity. So like, I will not be kind to myself, in order to stay with my mother who is not to be kind to herself. I will not be kind to myself in order to make my father's words about me true, so that I can have a father, I will not be kind to myself because the world is full of people who are in pain, and I don't want to leave them. These very deep unconscious contracts. I think some of the contracts that my son was living with. I hadn't figured that out before he died of alcoholism. But he was so lovely. He was such a lovely man. And our relationship was beautiful, even while he was dying. And he put my husband and me on his hospital board as his parents that he

Kristen

invited you into this deeper work he did. And I mean, from what I'm gathering, I thought it's beautiful. He asked, really this? And you listen, did you recall and this is set you on this path do this transformational life changing work that still

Sarah

is dedicated to him.

Kristen

Yeah. So thank you for sharing that. And I know that takes a level of vulnerability. So I appreciate you sharing authentically about that. And I just want to say thank you for your heart, the work you're doing. And the dedicating the verse book to your son. Wow, I mean, I can feel his presence just that us talking. So where can people find you if they're interested in working with you or learning more

Sarah

on my homepage at www dot serif peyten.com. If you hit the start healing now button, you'll sign up for my email welcome series, you'll receive a free chapter from my first book, and be led through a bunch of free meditations videos and practice exercises, explaining the foundational concepts of resonance and how to use it to change and heal your brain.

Kristen

Oh, please, everyone, go put your name and get your chapter get the meditations. This is your doing life transformational work. Thank you for your heart in your time and being on the close the chapter podcasts, it really was a tender place for me. And this is one of my favourite interviews just because you offered so much tenderness. And I feel that and that feels authentic. And it just want to say thank you.

Sarah

It's been a real pleasure. Yeah,

Kristen

thank you and go get the book. It's on Amazon. Because I know that's where I found it on Amazon. Is it in bookstores, too.

Sarah

It's in bookstores, and you can get it from your favourite online bookseller.

Kristen

I love that. Yes. Though. Independent. Yeah. So go get it. Thank you so much, Sarah. And be well.

Sarah

Well, thank you, Kristen.

Kristen

Thank you so much for listening to the close the chapter podcast. My hope is that you took home some actionable steps, along with motivation, inspiration and hope for making sustainable change in your life. If you enjoyed this episode, click the subscribe button to be sure to get the updated episodes every week and share it with a friend or family member. For more information about how to get connected visit Kristen k r i s t e n d Boice b o ice.com. Thanks and have a great day.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai