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10 Ways We Self-Sabotage & How to Break the Cycle | 3.22.2023

In this episode, Kristen takes a deep dive into the top 10 ways we self-sabotage and how to stop this vicious cycle.

You'll Learn

  • What is self-sabotage and what are the ways we self-sabotage
  • What causes self-sabotaging behavior
  • How to recognize self-sabotage and stop this vicious cycle


Why Are You So Defensive?

For counseling services near Indianapolis, IN, visit www.pathwaystohealingcounseling.com.

Subscribe and Get a free 5-day journal at www.kristendboice.com/freeresources to begin closing the chapter on what doesn’t serve you and open the door to the real you.


This information is being provided to you for educational and informational purposes only. It is being provided to you to educate you about ideas on stress management and as a self-help tool for your own use. It is not psychotherapy/counseling in any form.

Welcome to this week's Close the Chapter podcast. I am so thrilled you're joining me for today's episode. Because everybody is going to fall into this category or topic, we're going to be talking about the 10 ways. We self sabotage, we all self sabotage in some form or fashion. So you're going to want to listen to this, because I'm going to walk you through ways to stop the cycle, to put an end to it, to work through it, to tend to it, and free yourself from some of these patterns that are holding you back. So feel free to share this with someone you want to have a deeper conversation with. That's why I created this podcast. So we can connect with ourselves more deeply, and then have more authentic real relationships in our lives. So if you want help on your healing journey, be sure to download the free journal, I will email it to your inbox if you go to kristendboice.com/free resources. It'll be sent to your inbox and it will support you on this journey. If you're like, I don't even know where to begin. I don't even know how to make these changes. This will help you be a guide to really becoming more of who you are. And breaking free of the shame, the anxiety and the guilt that might be plaguing you right now. Also, I'm, please feel free to follow along on social media. I try to post clips, important quotes or information at my my handle is at Kristen D Boice, on Instagram and Facebook. And then tick tock, which is a whole new ballgame is Kristen Boice, and Twitter and Pinterest. So feel free to follow along there. Tag me. I love hearing from you. I love feedback in your aha moments. I'm just so glad you're here today. So without further ado, let's jump into the 10 ways you self sabotage, you might be one of these or you might have tendencies.

Most of us have multiple forms of self sabotage. So what exactly is self sabotage? Okay, self sabotage are the ways we do or don't do things that block us from our success. And accomplishing our goals potentially, and feeling whole and secure with who we are. It can be unconscious or conscious. And a lot of times it's very unconscious. Because these were patterns developed in our family of origin not to blame anybody. It's important, we start identifying how did this pattern get started. So I want you to grab pen and paper, if you're walking, you're driving, of course, you can circle back to this and listen to it again. Or you can take mental notes in your head, but I am a big pen and paper gal. I find it extremely helpful. When you write out a ha moments, thoughts notes from a podcast and start applying them to your life. These are in no particular order. So one to 10. These were thought thoughtfully curated. And I want you to identify and write down the ones that apply to you. That's important because at the end, when I give you ways to move through these, you can identify and become more self aware of your own patterns. So grab your pen and paper. I carry a notebook with me all the time. You can also take notes in your phone, I just find this to be more insightful. Okay. Number one, all or nothing thinking. I see this in almost every client I work with. That's because that's how we've been conditioned culturally. In our family systems in school, it's very black and white thinking we don't embrace the grey. It's an either or mentality. So for example, you never talked to me, that might be something someone says. Instead, we can have an end to both.

I realise when you're hurting or upset about something I feel sad because I would really love to talk to you and I realise that that might be hard for you. Rather than an either or we have an and and both. It doesn't limit our thinking. So for an either or thinking or all or nothing. It creates a lot of shame and fear. Hear, because we have different parts of us, we're not all good or all bad, there are no bad parts. And when we have the either or thinking, or the all or nothing, we really are lumped into like, I'm a bad person, or I'm a good person, rather than I am a human being, with parts of myself that I carry shame of not feeling good enough, maybe I feel like I'm a bad person. But not all of me feels that way. Those are what we can work on nurturing. And those are often younger parts. Those are little parts, usually, the younger parts usually think an all or nothing thinking. They think in either or adult parts more secure parts of ourselves will embrace and expand the grey, that's not a threat to you, you can handle it, it doesn't feel threatening in any way to your sense of security. Because you feel secure with expansion of different parts of yourself and different concepts. If we're in a very strict, perhaps religious upbringing that has all or nothing thinking. And there's nothing wrong with religion, as long as it's not oppressing you to be in a more rigid mindset. Because that will create lots of fear. So what we want to look at when we think about expansion is a system that can embrace the end in both. And I look at family systems. And if I have a family system that's very rigid, it's going to create lots of anxiety, in fear that if I step outside of anything, or I make a mistake, that I'm a bad person, it creates a lot of shame, and then that gets carried on generationally. So if you're going to do this work, to break these generational cycles, you're going to offer so many blessings to the next generation, you're actually blessing the next generation. And Rachel Hall was talking about that one of our therapists at pathways to healing counselling that her client was sharing that with her and I thought that's exactly what it is. You are breaking cycles of this very rigid, narrower way to think because you feel more secure, there's no threat to your self, there's no threat to you and you belonging. So this is really important. It's not an always or a never, we're substituting words that feel more expansive, like and in both. That's what I usually try to replace, like, I love you. But replace that with an end, I love you. And my hope is that we can put the phone down at dinnertime and connect, feel how different that sounds. I love you. But when you're on your phone, I feel like we're so disconnected and you don't care about me. Can you feel the difference? I know my tone changed as well. It's how we can embrace the grey. Because that can lead us to self sabotage. If I feel like I'm not living up to this expectation of I've got to be this good person. And I have to be perfect to perfect parents. I'm going to always and this is I don't use this word often but fall short. So we have to watch the all or nothing thinking especially in relationships. It's a very dangerous ground, because we're going to be put in a category and labelled and that doesn't allow us to love in a more expansive way.
Okay. Number two ways we self sabotage is writing stories about what we think the other person feels, what we think they think about us, what we think is going to happen in the future what how we interpreted an event, I've written a story about that, or about something that hasn't even happened. Something for example, I'll have couples come in. And let's say I'm just seeing, let's just take let's let me back up. Let's say I'm seeing an individual and they're having some marital problems. And I'll say Well, have you shared how you feel with your partner? And they look at me with a deer in headlights and like, they're just going to tell me that it's all in my head and I'm too sensitive, and just kind of shut me down. And I'll say, Okay, that's a possibility, isn't it?

Let's still try to have this conversation. So we know the facts were not story right? Being an even if they did say that, we will know how to deal with that. But we won't know for sure, if we don't have that conversation. This is so important in terms of stop self sabotaging because you will prevent yourself from the discomfort of having a hard conversation. Because you're already predicting what the other person is going to say, this happens all the time, including with myself. So that's why I have to get to my journal write out what I'm struggling with. And what I want to say. And this is where letter writing is so powerful. Write out the story on a piece of paper that you're telling yourself about what someone thinks of you, or how you think a conversation is going to go, or what the future holds. We story, right? We don't these are based in facts. Now we have patterns. However, we don't know for sure, because we haven't had the conversation. Or we haven't actually done the thing that we're afraid to do. So story writing, can get in the way of connection. And let's circle back to couples. So have a couple in my office. And I'll say, Okay, now I need you to mirror back what you heard, which is basically repeat what you heard. And they will repeat a shame story. Like you think I'm an idiot, because I didn't remember that it was your mom's birthday. I'm making this up. But you get the idea. I've made up a story that I think you think I'm an idiot. They didn't actually say that. They didn't say that at all. And that shame story goes back to inner child work, because the fact that you think you're an idiot, and this example, is carried down. You've thought that for a long time since you were little. And you've taken that with you in this relationship, and you're filtering things people say through that shame story of I'm an idiot, I'm not smart. So the shame stories block us from facing the truth. Because we're convinced that that shame story is true. And we do it in so many ways. So we'll do it with our kids will we will say things like, Stop disrespecting me, okay, this is a classic one, and that you can totally feel disrespected. If the kid is feeling anxious, chances are they're displacing that anxiety. This is an example, a child could displace their anxiety onto you. So unconsciously, it's almost like they're unconsciously doing it, because they're feeling anxious. But I'm already going into You're disrespecting me rather than, Hey, how are you feeling is what's going on today seems like there's something you might be upset about. Whether they want to respond to me or not, I'm facing the truth of what's really going on. Which is so important when we're looking at self sabotage. Because let's say I'm writing a shame story, it's going to shut me down, it's going to shut me down and prevent me from having the hard conversation, setting the goal I want moving forward in my life. I'm going to procrastinate. Num, which is on my list, we're getting to those of ways we self sabotage. So these kind of all tied together. I'm just trying to tease them out for you to start thinking about ways you self sabotage in a different way. Okay, number three shitting on yourself. I should have said this, I should have said that I should have done this or that I should have done more. I shouldn't have said that. We should all the time, especially when we're in relationships. As even as a parent, I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have said that. I'm a terrible parent. And now I'm going to shame spiral. Shutting is shame. We can replace the should with a could if you've listened to the podcast for a long time. You've probably heard me say that replace the should, with a could I could have said that feels very different than I should like that is a young part telling you that you're bad. It's shaming you, and who shouldn't on you growing up. Who did I told you so's growing up and that's a hard one.

Sometimes I get into where if my kids for example, don't take a coat. And then like it's really cold out. You're gonna need a coat especially teens to like to wear coats. And then they're like, I was freezing waiting for you to pick me up and I'm like, oh, that's tough. But I wanted to say I know because I told you to bring a coat. I have to manage that. It's one of those for me. But that's a should I'm shitting on I'm sure Shooting shoul D, I N G, I made up that word but I'm shooting on my kids then because I'm doing I told you so if you grew up with a lot of I told you, it shows you're gonna have a lot of shoulds and a lot of shame. And it will block you. It will be like a form of self sabotage, it will shut you down. That's what sabotage does is it shuts you down from completing or growing. And we have to explore our childhood, in our systems we grew up in to look at what messages did I receive? How did the shooting even begin? just float back and try to figure out when did I start shooting on myself? Because and then the second part of that is, what voice is that in your head? Who is in your head telling you, you shouldn't have done that, or you should have done this? Whose voice is that? Okay, number four. I'm going to speed through these a little bit. So we get through all of them. Number four, this is the biggest. This is the biggest self saboteur out of all 10. Because it's so big, your defence mechanisms, which are self protective parts, so we're not making them wrong or bad. That would be the all or nothing thinking. We're inviting them into an opportunity to have a voice on why these kind of evolved for you. And they all make sense because they were survival strategies in childhood that these defence mechanisms lock you from connection, freedom, authenticity, feeling confident. So what are defence mechanisms? They are protective parts. And let me give you a couple of examples. These This list could be 3456789 10 pages long. Shutting down would be a defence mechanism. And that would be more like freeze the flight fright, fright, flight, fight freeze, Bong or flop that would be more like a freeze response. Reforming, pleasing, placating perfecting, those are all going to be the fawning response out of fight flight or freeze or fun or flop. Those and flop is also a shutdown response. So we could do freeze or flop for shutdown. So fawning is that I've got to please you, in order to be safe in order to have any connection. In order to have worth and value I need to please you. And this often can come from playing what we call a pseudo spouse, to a parent, which means you are their emotional support. But you were they were supposed to be your emotional support, but you were their emotional support. So you try to please them, make them happy, do things for them, maybe clean the house, maybe you felt like you had to do all the chores, maybe you felt like I've got to take care of things because there was a man of the house or perhaps you really played an more emotional role for your parent where they felt very lonely, scared and you try to reassure them or you listen to them a lot, you listen to them complain about another ex, your maybe your other parent, they complain to you a lot, they really treated you like a therapist and a lot of ways that can stunt us and keep us not keep us in an inner child way because we didn't get our needs met. And so we learned to fawn, to caretake is another defence mechanism to gain worth of value and feel secure in the connection with the other person. That can be a whole nother episode on pseudo spouse. But it's an important concept because it can keep you stuck emotionally gossiping, pretending that also can go along with fawning. being aggressive, passive aggressive, that would be the fight response. So in a passive aggressive where you're, you're going well it would be nice if you would, you know that kind of comment. Or maybe you're being aggressive and you're name calling and you're yelling and you're putting other people down. That would be a fight response. And who did you learn that from? Or maybe you had to do that because you were being bullied in some way. Or maybe you want an abusive relationship. Or maybe you're being abused.

Manipulation is a defence and that often comes from you being manipulated as a child and you're like I'll never ever let some control, feeling control like that again, or I'll never feel trapped again. So that might be flight response, where you just want to run you avoid, you really do not want to face anything because it's just too much. It's too painful. It's too overwhelming. And again, this is not to shame you at all. We go, oh, this had a purpose in my childhood, but now it's becoming what was adaptive and childhood often is maladaptive in a relationship. Blame. So if you're blaming someone else victimhood can offset I mean, yes, as children, we are victims, and they're all off. There are also circumstances in which we're victims. If we stay in that victim mentality, we stay in a one down position. And people can take advantage of us. What we work on in therapy is taking your power back, having a voice finding your voice, and offering compassion to those hurt parts, the scared parts, those traumatised parts that allow us to come out of defence. And it's like a butterfly coming out of the cocoon, and you feel safe enough to do that. Procrastination, that is putting off something because maybe you have impostor syndrome. I did a whole episode on that a while ago, where you don't feel good enough, you feel like if someone really finds out who I am, they're not gonna really like me and accept me. Working workaholism like shopping, we have so many ways that our defence mechanisms, it's so important to recognise defences control, I'm going to get to that later. Because control is an illusion, but wanting a lot of control, being defensive. So we shift blame to other people. Because that's the whole idea that it's not me, it's you. We have trouble seeing our own part in that. So this is a whole category in and of itself, I did an episode called Why are you so defensive? And I'll link it below. Or I'll have Ella, our podcast editor, link it below. Thank you, Ella, because it's an important episode to deconstruct more of the defence mechanisms, okay? Number five, personalising. Taking blame or responsibility for something or someone outside of one's control, taking it personally, taking on responsibility for someone else's feelings. You don't want to hurt them. You don't want to upset them. You don't want them to be mad at you. When we personalise and take on responsibility, or we are taking it, that it's must be me, they don't want to be with me, therefore, must be me. When in all actuality, most likely, isn't you and it's coming from their own inner child work or identity issues that they haven't grappled with. And that's tough and hurts. It's hard. But personalising things becomes more about story writing, than it does about the truth. So those tie in the story writing, which was number two, and number five, kind of tie in together. But taking blame or responsibility for things you can't control only weighs you down, and keeps you stuck, you're carrying burdens of someone else that you're powerless over. Number six, numbing, and not connecting to your emotions. Everybody falls into this category. So this one everybody needs to write down. What are you numbing? How are you numbing? So let's go through some examples of numbing This can also fall on defence mechanisms. But I wanted to break it out separate because I felt like it was a whole nother category in and of itself, which I've done a podcast episode about this too. But I want to highlight the ways to self sabotage you if you're drinking, smoking, taking pills. If you are shopping, working all the time, addicted to perfectionism, it is going to stunt your growth. So if somebody started drinking at age 15, oftentimes they're stuck emotionally at age 15. If someone started smoking pot, early in life, we're numbing parts of ourself that we need to feel, heal and deal with. Whether you're drinking, smoking, shopping, gambling, using pornography, sex addiction, you're sexting, you're on social media. What Here's the biggest one gaming, or stunting our growth in stain, typically emotionally at the age of when we started using. It's called the rest of development. So what a mind that I have to work on constantly in food is in there. So we have food. There's so many options here. This is endless, but mine can be I can get on technology, social media, and just scroll mindlessly. And I've wasted have wasted so much time. And I don't want to feel our deal. I just want to kind of check out as a way of me leaving lean, so to speak, and not being present and engaging with my own thoughts, feelings and emotions and life. Let's like, oh, or maybe we binge watch shows. And we don't want to make these all wrong or bad. Because again, we don't want to all or nothing thinking we just want to notice. Has this kept me stuck in does it prevent me from growing and moving forward? The answer most of the time is yes. If we're honest with ourselves, if we're not living in denial, which is a defence mechanism, if we're not rationalising or minimising or bypassing the truth. The truth is, yeah, me being on social media isn't helping me grow. It's actually taking me away from being creative, procrastinating, getting things done that I want to get done. It just literally keeps me frozen in time. And so do I want to work on that? Do you want to work on that? That is the number one question I asked somebody when they come in, I'm like, do you want to change that on a zero to 10? Scale? 10 being I'll do whatever it takes zero, none at all. If I'm past below a five, probably not real motivated to work on it. If someone's had a seven or above, I'm like, okay, we can we can work on this. We have to be honest with ourselves, like what part of you wants to work on it? What percentage? What percentage of you doesn't want to work on it? And some days, I'm at a 10. And some days I'm at a to. So you have to check in with yourself and say, Where am I today to work on this? Health is one week, we kind of when we numb it affects our brain development and our health. And we don't really want to face that because we feel kind of Invincible oftentimes, especially when we're younger. We're taking years off our life. A lot of times why we're numbing to is we don't want to face pain. Which leads me to number seven. So a big factor in US self sabotaging is not a willingness to face pain and discomfort. We want the pain to go away, don't we? I mean, who wants to be like, Yay, I'm feeling pain. Yay. I'm uncomfortable. Yeah, most people know we like to have comfort. We like predictability. We'll like to know what's coming next. I want to be comfortable. And here's the truth about breaking self sabotage, you're going to be uncomfortable. And we're building up a tolerance. This is the key. We're building up a tolerance for discomfort. It's an essential component, once we work through trauma, that we are building up a tolerance for discomfort. And that's why trauma work with EMDR, brain spotting, somatic experiencing. There's so many amazing modalities out there to help you heal from your trauma wounds. You deserve that healing, you deserve that healing. It will change your life. Is it going to be easy? No. Is it going to be three to four sessions? Not usually. Because we all have layers of wounds that we've tried to do our best in handling, especially if we've been numbing for a long time. And the trauma therapist is helping kind of titrate you between ways of resourcing yourself and coping with it and ways to lean into it and what kind of going back and forth between the two. So your nervous system can handle facing the emotions and the pain. But self sabotage will continue if you don't face trauma, and then no that's a hard truth. It's hard to hear. It's hard but it's true with self sabotage. You'll continue to create what you don't want. If you're avoiding facing your emotions.

We have to feel an order to heal and emotions come and go they're temporary. They are temporary At one minute, I could feel joy, the next minute, I could feel sad, and then anger, and then despair and sadness, or I could have all of it at the same time. But I know it will be temporary, it feels when you are in major grief, that it's lasting forever. Well, it's pain, it's pain. And when you nurture the pain, you pay attention to pain, you're going to support groups, you are writing about it, you are talking to your friends that you can trust and that care about you, you are going into therapy. You're journaling, you're walking, you're facing it. And you're titrating yourself between, okay, I need a break, and I'm gonna go pet my dog, I'm gonna go look at the birds. I'm gonna listen to my music, I'm going to go to a concert, I'm going to do something, whatever that is for you, that lights you up, I'm going to travel. So it's not an all or nothing proposition. That's the key. It's an end in both. But we have to learn to connect to those core emotions. And I've done lots of episodes on that, we won't have a healthy relationship with ourself, or any buddy else unless you tolerate emotions. They are our signals, they're a navigation system, you will sabotage yourself when you sever your emotions, when you don't feel them because of your conditioning because of your fear that you're gonna get swallowed up. And then because you're not going to just do feelings, you have thoughts and feelings and body sensations all at the same time. And it's okay, that's healthy. That's what it looks like to be a human being. Number eight, these all tie together, as you're gonna see, number eight is avoidance not facing your shadow parts. We all have shadow parts that we don't want other people to see. We don't want to be found out. We have these parts we don't like about ourselves, everybody does. There's just different parts of ourselves. Like, I don't like it when I get dysregulated I do not like that. I wish I was Zen and kumbaya all the time. It's not real. It's not real at this stage of my life, at least, because I'm human. And I'm going to have moments where I'm feel inside dysregulated. And the beauty of that is I can get myself back to centre with my breathing with by talking to myself gently and compassionately, like I would want somebody else to talk to me like a parent. I can journal about it, I can pray, meditate, listen to music, listen to a podcast, go for a walk and be in nature and listen to the sounds to ground myself. When you face your shadow parts and you love them, you will heal, you will heal them, you will heal yourself. Okay, number nine, this is huge. And this may rock the boat a little bit for a lot of you. Let's say it because it's an important truth. control is an illusion. It's an illusion. And if you're trying to get so much control in your life, or control other people or control outcomes, and you're so attached to the outcome, you're so attached to the outcome needing to look a certain way. Oh, it creates so much anxiety and self sabotage. Because when it doesn't go that way. You're down the shame spiral, you're down the anxiety pit, you are lost at sea. When you take it second by second by second. And you soothe yourself by saying I'm going to be in this moment. And mate if you have a higher power of any sort or any kind of spiritual journey are on doing I love that practice of writing out prayers because I'm just whatever you believe is okay. Just release seeing to whatever you need to do. I'm releasing the need for control and attaching to outcomes. I'm not attached to what my kids say or do or if they get something. And this is so hard for me. It's so hard when I can really embrace that control is an illusion. I don't know what's going to happen one minute one second from now. I have no idea. I think I know what my brain thinks it knows because it likes to feel like I know when I can build a tolerance to go I don't know and it's okay and I'm okay And I can handle it. I'm not attached to it looking or being a certain way. There's freedom in that. And it's a practice every single day. For me right now, that's a practice. I wish it were just so easy to just be like unattached, don't worry about the outcome, it's not so easy, at least for me, for more for others that have been doing this work for longer, it might be free flowing, that might be a flow about it.

And number 10, loving yourself is so important. We know that and when we don't feel like we love ourselves.

We feel not worth worthy of love and belonging, or having love or being loved, and that sabotages us. So if we don't work on the negative beliefs that we are not worthy, lovable, important, or that we matter. That will play guess and that's why I love EMDR, we can target that belief, which came from somewhere that just did. And we can start working through that we can start taking the intensity down, we can start working through that limiting belief and negative belief. And live in the truth of who you really are that you are lovable, you are worthy. I'm gonna throw in a bonus one number 11 is living in non reality. If you're living in fantasy, you're gonna sabotage yourself. So if you're living in a fantasy of this perfect relationship, this perfect ideal partner, and you're in the honeymoon phase, but you're not facing reality that we all have stuff, Shadow sides issues, family of origin work traumas, not everybody, most people, then you're gonna set yourself up for a lot of disappointment. And then you can't really grow in a non, if you're living in a non reality, if you're living in fantasy, you're not really going to grow because you're not living in the reality of what's really happening within you and in your life. So we have our 10 with a bonus of 11. So we really got to 11 threw that one in there. And there's many more, but I wanted to narrow it down to the ones that I really thought were the most important and impactful. And I also want to talk about how do we heal from these ways that we self sabotage? How do we get more conscious, more awake and aware of our patterns, how we feel what our body's trying to tell us, the first thing is identify your own patterns. In starting with writing down from our conversation today. ways you self sabotage, that's a great way of bringing was unconscious to consciousness, bringing more awareness to your day to day life, because what we're not aware of we can't change. So we have to become more aware. And then we have ownership is important. owning it and then asking yourself, how motivated am I? To work with this change this? How motivated, motivated Am I to heal this part of me or break this cycle? Number three, or number two, become aware of your emotions, including your fear. Identify identifying your fears is an essential component to working through self sabotage. What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of what other people think? Are you afraid of success? Are you afraid of emotional pain? Are you afraid of facing something from your past that you feel like you'll get swallowed up in? Are you afraid that you will just be stuck in your pain? What are you afraid of? There's multitude of fears. I'm just throwing these out there. What is the what are the fears? So that's the question, What am I afraid of. And if you can start reconciling what you're afraid of and how you got to be afraid of that, we can start processing that and moving through that and those are great targets to work on with a therapist or a coach on what you're afraid of, because that usually is pretty buried pretty deep, and blocks us from the courage to face discomfort in your emotions. And that's something you can journal about. These are journal prompts, which leads me to number three, journaling. If you've ever heard of the artists way by Julia Cameron, she came up with this concept because she was struggling with writer's block and what to do with her life and feeling lost. She decided every single morning that she She is going to write three full pages eight and a half by 11 pages of consciousness. So it can be prayer, like, what you need help with or you're asking for a prayer. It can be what you're struggling with, it could be a question you have that you don't feel like it's answered. It could be, I see an eagle today, which I did. I saw eagle with an eagle's nest and two babies. Oh my gosh, okay, that's a whole nother conversation, which I wrote about, you can talk about your hopes, your dreams, your fears, you can talk about what you ate for breakfast, how's it going with your pets, friendships, relationships, just get it on the page. And she said it has been the most life changing practice that she's ever done. It motivated me because I'm big into journaling, to be more committed to writing everyday at one point I was I kind of got away from it. And I want to make that more of a commitment. So I've been doing it more regularly. And it is transformational for me. I gain clarity, insight. I let go and surrender and release things that aren't serving me, I sometimes you're going to just kind of not feel like you're getting anywhere, but you're processing. That's the key, instead of shoving it back down and numbing it or not facing it or avoiding it, you're processing it, you're facing it. You're connecting to emotions, your thoughts, you're learning more about yourself, you're gaining the clarity that you want in need and desire. So I highly recommend maybe that's a practice you're going to start every day. Number four, prayer and meditation, I've already mentioned those, those are extremely helpful. Number five mentioned this already therapy, facing what you may have been putting off or you don't want to face helps you work on a tolerance for just ambiguous life, the unknown, your work on a set more secure attachment with yourself. So then you have deeper, more authentic relationships. And I think the other piece that's so important is self compassion. Because when we're not self compassionate, we're going to end up shaming ourselves like we were shamed. So how do we become more self compassionate by talking to ourselves, like you would talk to a dear dear friend, or like you would want your parent to talk to you. So I do this all the time I go, Oh, sweetie, I know, you're feeling so overwhelmed right now. And you feel like nobody cares. I'm making this up. But you get the idea. Oh, honey, you you matter. Just know that I love you keep going, I'm going to take care of you. It's my adult self, nurturing my inner child part. And we just need some tenderness and kindness to ourselves in our lives. To break self sabotage. And we got we have to decide I'm willing to connect to my emotions, let them out and release them in healthy ways. So that I can free myself and not have them trapped in my body, not be ill because they're trapped in my nervous system. And I'm rooting for you in this work. Let me know what other ways you use would love to know to work through your self sabotage, your noticing your thoughts, trying to work through that your feelings, your body sensations, so share ways on social when I post these episodes or tag me and share with me what you're doing to to add to our how to work through self sabotage. Because this can go on and on. These are the main ways that I really think are essential. We got to work through our childhood family of origin stuff, and everybody doesn't wants to skip over that. And like if you skip it, you're going to not really do the heart healing work that is required to look at your patterns. Thank you for joining me today I'm rooting for you. You are worth it. Don't give up on yourself. If you ever need extra support 988 You can text or call nine eight at any point in time. And if you're with somebody that's struggling, the 988 24/7 is available, as well. So I'm cheering you on. Thanks for listening. And I'll see you next week.