Kristen:

Welcome to this week's Close the Chapter podcast. Thank you for joining me for today's episode on how to surrender and accept the as is moments. It is one of the most important topics I think we can all rumble through and with. And it's a journey, I'm going to share today some personal examples of surrendering and accepting, and the process of me getting there and the continuation of how I am on this path, to let go of outcomes and accept what's really happening. I've talked about it many times on the podcast today, I feel like I'm going layers deeper with it in terms of my own work and how I help clients through their anxiety, and wanting certain outcomes and trying to control it in trying to control relationships, other people, also themselves and family, children wanting only good things to happen. And I think that's natural, we all want that. And as a result of my own work, I created a journal that I also use with clients that's free. If you'd like to grab a copy, just go to kristendboice.com/free resources. And the journal that you can use over and over will be emailed to you. And you can also get on the mailing list, I have an exciting programme launching in 2023. That is really geared for folks that are on a healing journey and want more education support. Maybe you're in counselling or with a coach and you want additional resources in between sessions. So that is coming up more details to follow. So you'll want to jump on the mailing list. So your first to know about the programme. And you can get on that with by joining kristendboice.com/free resources. So let's jump into today's episode.

And talk about this word acceptance and surrender. I want to be transparent in my own process with you this has really been percolating for a long time within me to accept each moment as it unfolds with whatever pain and emotions come with it. One of the things I know in my own life is I want things to go so well for my kids, I want certain outcomes. So they don't have to experience shame, disappointment, rejection, and it creates a lot of anxiety, because I can't prevent them from having shame. Feeling, guilt feeling and that that those are bad emotions, feeling any kind of grief or not feeling good about themselves or feeling disappointment. It's a part of life there guarantees in life that you're going to experience pain, you're going to walk through heartbreak, grief, death, we're guaranteed Life is uncertain. We don't know what each moment will hold. So let's take a deep breath. As we settle into that reality. Take a deep breath in through your nose, and release. Those are guarantees that we are going to have to work at this when you decide that you want to surrender and accept the moment. As it happens. You develop more resiliency. And when I allow disappointments that are going to come anyways, I can't control to happen for myself or my children. My teens at this point, they learn how to handle disappointment. know they can work through it and get to the other side of it. So these concepts and a be talking about are invitations for us to rumble with what lies within in a more profound way. What does this all mean? So let's first define surrendering, surrendering is not fighting reality. It's not fighting reality. You're not trying to manipulate so you get a different outcome.

And let me give you some example examples of surrendering and then acceptance doesn't mean you're not going to be without pain. It's accepting the reality as it's happening. So let me give you the first example that I've been rumbling through in my own life. And these may seem minor, but I want you to see the micro moments that are important for surrender. And these don't mean that there aren't bigger surrendering moments. There are many different moments, but the invitation is there, the pain is there. And let me walk you through the first example. This one came at Thanksgiving. And I've shared over the course of the last few months that I lost my mother. So this was the first Thanksgiving really, without her even though we didn't see her on the actual Thanksgiving Day, there are still a sense of memories associated with thanksgiving. And we were going to my husband's sister's house and my sister in law who I love and adore, who's wonderful. We're going to her house and someone got sick. And we couldn't come. Which is totally understandable. That wasn't the issue. In this whole thing. Was it really a deep dive into surrendering for me because it felt like it was all Okay, so we ended up I ended up hosting at two kids and my husband. And then my stepdad who was married to my mom came over. And we didn't have a turkey. But my wonderful. I would say, uncle, that's Mark's uncle came and brought a roast. So that worked out really well. And we talked about our feelings, I asked to the girls how they were feeling, they were able to process some of their sadness, and yet they came to acceptance like this is okay, this works out that felt more like a minor acceptance, I was just surrendering to the reality as it was, we couldn't be around them. And that was okay, that was a healthiest decision that did it feel like I was really dealing with a lot of pain.

So fast forward, give you example number two, that really is the reason I'm doing this podcast. And it was a anniversary date that I didn't really associate at the time. It's been two months since my mother died. And this happened to be the two month marker. And I woke up just feeling really sad. Like there was a lot of grief that I was feeling, I was feeling a grief burst, it was just coming and I couldn't manage it. And I wanted to not feel like I'm bringing other people down, that's been a theme of mine. And come to find out my daughter was sick, she had her first high school holiday concert, she got a solo, which was very one like very exciting. She had worked really hard for it, but couldn't do it because her body was saying no plus, we didn't want to give it to other people. So there was kind of a bargaining time where we thought maybe you could go because she really was sad. She was super sad and disappointed and invited me into such a deep rumble I was already having a grief burst on top of it into accepting the moment as it is that this is an invitation for me. And for her to acknowledge the grief and the sadness that she felt that she couldn't do the performance and be with her friends she felt left out and to allow myself to also be present to my own grief moments at the time. And come to a level of acceptance when I came to a level of acceptance that this is the best, most healthiest thing. And it's okay that I'm having grief first on top of that, in accepting and nurturing myself through that. Literally telling myself, it's okay, you're having grief first. can feel the tears. And that's okay. Accept the moment as it is and gave myself permission to just let it come out. And I named it I was able to say I'm having a grief burst. It's been two months since Mimi died. That's what my kids called her. And it's okay for you to have grief over not being able to perform and feeling sick and feeling left out and feeling sad. And it's okay to let it out what I gave that to myself. She was able then to accept, walk through her emotions, walk through her grief, and then text her friends saying send me the videos of you singing so I can cheer you on. I can't wait to see how you did. And she was able to move to a level of peace about an acceptance and I was able to be peaceful about my grief bursts. It's so powerful in the moment to know Notice how I wanted it to be different. I didn't want to sit with the pain.

I wanted to be able to do the concert on top of that. And I wanted the day to feel different. I felt very lonely. And when I was able to offer myself that nurturing and compassion, because I miss my mom, and I wanted my mom, and I wanted to connect, even though we had this relationship that wasn't the greatest towards the end. It's okay to want your mom, it's okay to want the nurturing, it's okay to want the relationship, even if it's strained, and have the grief over that. And accepting the as, as of the moment of what was happening instead of wishing for different outcomes allowed me to get connected to the grief in a deeper way to feel more at peace. And this took hours, this isn't just like, oh, like, Oh, I feel like that was all better. This was a rumble for hours all day really all day, got my journal out. And I was able to make some really deep connections. I felt a level of inner peace and clarity and more compassion for myself. And for others than I had been. Now, it was an up and down roller coaster, I'm just going to shoot you straight, because that's what it looks like when you're having big invitations in your life to work through some patterns. And what I believe came through from that is so much insight on anxiety. And the birthplace of anxiety really goes back to attachment wounds. I believe that we develop a fear about the world, about relationships, about bad things happening about our needs not getting met. So we feel anxious about that, we kind of develop this, let me predict the future mentality. So I can predict outcome so I can feel safer. So I had a deep rumbling around anxiety that I've known. But as a therapist, I can see where someone isn't accepting the the moment as it is they want it to be different. They want to change it. And that's all Okay, first of all, because that's normal and natural. Once we get to the point where we're we're fighting that, like we want it to be different, we want the current moment to be different. Then once we can get to a surrender spot, we start our healing journey in the middle of me wanting it to be different, I'm not doing any healing, I'm just stuck on a merry go round a looping thought, trying to control well, maybe we can give Advil and maybe we can do this. Now we can't, we are not going to change the fact that she can't see. It is what it is. And not to say it is what it is to bypass feelings. It is what it is. Because if I didn't accept that, that that's the true reality. I couldn't model for her to accept and move through her grief around it. We had to accept this as what's presented to us in a new way it was for me and it was for her. And the gift of us accepting allowed her to know that she has it within her to handle disappointment. She can handle it, she can grieve through it. She can tolerate the emotions and so can I I'm so when we get to a level of acceptance instead of bargaining, manipulating, controlling, numbing, pushing down, we then get the freedom of expansion. I'm no longer in a contracted state. I'm no longer self protective. I'm no longer closed off. I'm no longer what was me and whoa, why is this happening, which is all part of the grieving process. I'm no longer victimhood I'm moving through it because I've now connected to the deep grief underneath that is begging me to be released the sadness, the guttural sadness, I feel in anger is part of it that I'm willing to face and release. Then I get to clarity, compassion, contentment, calm centeredness, connection at the deeper level. And I couldn't get to that until I surrendered. That I cannot control the outcome. And boy, does that feel so much more empowering, rather than suffering when you can get to that point. So more clearly kept coming as I work with clients, also that are struggling with acceptance. Because I believe it's rooted in unprocessed unacknowledged emotions that needed an empathic witness.

That's why we're really longing for nurturing. We're longing for someone to validate see us hear us understand us. I mean, I was thirsty for that when I was in this when I was In this grief, I longed for that attachment that not meaning attaching to somebody, the attachment that happens in that bonding that happens, or doesn't happen in the developmental process, you can go back and listen to last week's episode with Laura Reagan, where we talked about attachment, it was the wound, it was the unmet need, that was surfacing. And I tried to meet that need by controlling the outcome, which I can't do. And so I spent a lot of time crying, journaling, surrendering, talking myself through it, what did that look like that look like me going, honey, you got to accept the present moment as it is, this is happening to her. This is happening for her. And this isn't happening to you. There's an invitation here I am helping you expand. Whether it's a higher power, or God, the Holy Spirit, whatever you want to, it doesn't matter who or what that is, I know, there is a higher level of consciousness and awakening happening within me. So I can love in a more expanded way. I didn't see that at the time, because I'm really struggling. But what I told myself was that this is happening to her, I can't see why at the moment. And the grief journey is a gift for you. Even though I can't see why I mean, I can because I think I got to help more people, which I do believe I, I could feel that bigger expansion happening, that already had empathy for grief. Now I have a different level of empathy for grief and a different way. And it can be of service to other people, that you may not see that in the moment, chances are, you're not going to see that in the moment. And that's okay. I love the clarity that I felt. So one of the things I invite you into really doing is first of all, I wrote down this because I thought it was important as I walk clients through this awareness of you trying to change the outcome awareness of you wanting it to be different awareness of you wanting somebody to change, where you're wanting something different. To take place. Here's some more examples that I came up with. So I love and then I'm gonna go through the blocks, what blocks us from this. So the holidays, we want the holidays to be family connection, fun, we're making memories. And we have to let go, yes, you can plan things, but you have to accept that it, it will unfold as it unfolds. Without you jumping in and trying to manage and control it. We want family dynamics to be different. We want somebody to get sober, we want somebody to own and acknowledge the pain that they've caused and own and be accountable to their patterns. We want more connection, we want our engagement, we want more acknowledgement we want to be seen, heard and understood. And when we realise that person doesn't have it to offer right now. We can let go and process the grief of that. And then it get to acceptance doesn't mean we don't have boundaries.

Maybe you have this idea of who you want your children to be, maybe you want them to be successful and make a certain amount of money or have a certain job, have a certain house or car a family grandkids. And maybe you want them to perform at a certain level in school, getting to a certain college had certain grades, get awards, be recognised, who doesn't want our kids to be recognised, have achievements. We have a very performance based mindset that blocks us from accepting who our children really are. And maybe they don't want kids. You have to grieve through that, that you had hopes and dreams or grandchildren. Or maybe they can't have children. And you have to grieve through that you really wanted them and it's not a possibility. And then meet them where they are. So you can be the support the empathy, and they acknowledged her that you wanted. May maybe you wanting recognition for yourself in your job. Nothing wrong with that. But what if you just accepted that they don't have it to offer? Maybe you give yourself permission to look for another job. Maybe you're getting someone to want to see the light. I did this with my mother for years. If only you could go to therapy, even though she was a therapist. If only you would just work on your childhood wounds and your trauma, you could find healing and freedom. I have spent years trying to do that. Instead of just accepting this is the best she can do. This is an I can still have my boundaries. But this is all she's got. And then I can do accordingly which is what I did. It took me years to work through that. of surrendering. And even now I'm surrendering continuously, of what I hoped it would be wanting a friendship to be different when the friend doesn't have the tools. The friend doesn't have the skills to acknowledge you to empathise to listen well, because their own unmet needs block the ability for them to do so. But you're really working on trying to change that friendship. When sometimes it takes a surrendering of accepting that this is all the friend is capable of offering. Maybe you're wanting your child to do that for you, to accept love you acknowledge you words of affirmation, tell you how wonderful you are as a parent, hey, wouldn't that be great, we all want that. And sometimes they do, which is icing on the cake. And when you can surrender, that that's not their job, you're surrendering to the as is what a powerful thing. Maybe you've gotten a divorce and you want your ex to own, how they show up and behave and their unhealthy patterns. And you spend all your time on that, instead of accepting that they're not going to own it. And when you do that, and you focus on your own healing, the freedom comes. Or maybe you feel like they got a life that you wanted, now they're dating someone, and you really feel so much shame over that. And when you can go, You know what, I want to work through my own grief, and my own shame and offer myself self compassion. And believe that the each moment is for me, which is not easy to do. Plus I trust me, I'm in my own work around this, the freedom can come. Maybe you want a sporting event, and you want a certain outcome in a sporting event. And when you surrender to say, Okay, we lost, and there's an invitation to learning how to deal with defeat, because we're not always going to get the promotion or the raise or the house we want or the relationship we want. And when we go, Okay, I will work on me to expand myself in the possibilities rather the contract myself to protect myself all the time. Boundaries are a part of expansion can expand without healthy boundaries. So the more we are willing to face the pain process through it, notice it in our bodies, the more we're going to be able to find our healing. So I gave myself a pep talk and I said, Look, honey, we have to accept the as is. This is for you and her inlet surrender. It's going to be okay. Even though you might not believe it at the time, depending on the situation. You're scared. How do I feel which was young, because I was my younger self was getting projected under her so then I wasn't able to meet her where she's at, because I'm like, Oh, it's just gonna be scarred for life for this. That's just not true. It's catastrophizing, it, talk to that part that wants to feel secure and safe. And once a guarantee for a good outcome. Oh my gosh, do we not want to guarantee for a good outcome? We all do. And there's nothing wrong with that I'm so attached to it that I can't handle it. When that outcome doesn't happen. And I'm learning to let go of outcomes. We've done this so much with so many things like if I don't get if I don't make a certain amount of money or I don't reach the goal, then I'm less than, and now I'm feeling sad and stuck and unmotivated. And if I go okay, don't meet the goal. It's okay. I'm not a bad person. I'm not a stupid, I'm not an idiot. Lots been going on this year and it's okay. The key here is my breath was my friend. I befriended the breath. What does that even mean? When I did an inhale, I released and surrendered and accepted. I did an exhale, release. And accept the ISIS moment, inhale. And exhale. I did that. I can't even count how many times I put my hand over my heart centre, to calm my inner child down, that it's all going to be okay. And it's okay for me to be grieving right now. I don't have to have it all together. It's okay for people to see me cry. It's not their job to make me feel better. I say that out loud or soothe me. That's all me. And it's okay and healthy to express our emotions and express my emotions. I also befriend my journal, my journal. That's why I'm offering the free journal I believe in the power of the breath. Self nurturing, processing the inner child work, having the the higher self, the adult self, the wise self come online, I believe in writing it out and surrendering. So I invite you to get a journal. And on one side of the page, I'd practice this over the weekend, right out. What are you wanting to surrender? So what outcomes are you trying to manage? Like I'm trying to keep my kids, you know, from any disappointment or rejection or shame, or maybe you're working on having the perfect holiday. Or maybe you want to look a certain way, because acceptance even is about our looks. This is deep, telling you this acceptance is deep, I'm accepting the as as of who I am. It doesn't mean you don't want to do things or take care of yourself. It's a deep rumble it, it trickles down to so many things. And surrendering to the moment as it unfolds, be in this moment, take it one minute at a time by writing out on one side of the paper. What do you what is the outcome you're trying to let go of. And on the right sides, that's the left side on the right side, put a line down the paper, you're going to kind of put a T chart? Well, it's not really a T chart,

It's just a line. On the next side, you're going to write out what is the reality? What is the as is what is the reality right now. And I'm not saying don't have a growth mindset, I'm saying come back to the present moment. And what is the growth invitation for you in the moment? That's the jewel that's the nugget of healing that is knocking at your door. Don't get on your social media. Don't drink it away. Don't take a pill don't mean you have medication that's understandable. But like don't try to numb it, or eat it away. Or, or gossip it away? What is it inviting you to look at be with and sit with what emotions are there that need your attention? So let's explore what blocks you from acceptance. And this has been a huge rumble for me. What blocks you from acceptance, perfectionism is imperfection, perfectionism all about the outcome and what people perceive you as well, when I reconcile that I can't control how people perceive me. And they may not like me most, you know, that's okay. Man, that's a hard one for me. Is it for you when someone doesn't like you? And what I doubted the line back to is my childhood. And this is important dotted line. It was powerful. In my own therapy. I was like, Aha, I felt like this one person didn't like me, and I'm not sure they do. And that's okay. I doubted it line to a family member. Ie my mom that I thought didn't like me, she didn't like parts of me. Because I was a truth teller. And that scared her if she couldn't handle it. That's why I'm so big into being able to tolerate your emotions and feedback from people, especially your kids. Not when they're dysregulated. Or using or I'm talking about when they're centred and giving you feedback that's important for you to be able to sit with rumble through, be with that is so important. This is what we wanted from our parents to be able to take the feedback and not get defensive. And that God was a terrible parent. I shouldn't have done that. Now it's going thank you for sharing that with me. It's hard and as painful as it is to hear which it is because my kids are telling me all the time all the areas I need to improve on. And I don't always handle it this way. I'm always always thank you for sharing. Sometimes I get real defensive, because I'm in pain. It hurts. They're not trying to hurt me. They're trying to wake me up trying to get me to shake out of it wake up and see my pain. See how I feel. So perfectionism, like really wanting things to be just so so then you don't have to feel any discomfort, blame shame or rejection which isn't true defensiveness I mean, that comes in many many forms talking too much interrupting, blaming, shaming, gaslighting.

With the list of Defense's yelling, screaming, rage, we can go shift blame, shift blame where you're shifting the blame onto the other person which a lot of people call that gaslighting. I like to call it shift blaming, that is a defence. And I have I do that I blame, I can be a blamer. If I don't, if I'm in unhealth, it's important to notice that lack of tolerance for your own emotions or other people's, that's gonna kill your ability to accept the as his moment because you don't want them to be disappointed. You don't want them to be hurt, you don't want them to be mad, you don't want them to be in pain. Of course we don't. We have to tolerate that there is going to be pain and they can have their own emotions, including your own. If you can't tolerate your own, you're not gonna be able to tolerate acceptance and surrender. Your own thoughts and beliefs can block you from being able to let go, I don't like that word, let go move through, is the better way to put it, release and accept the moment as it unfolds. Attachment wounds and unprocessed trauma, if that can block because we have an unmet needs as a result. And so because of those unmet needs, we might be looping and looking to that moment, that experience to make us feel worthy, lovable, important, special, included, belong and that we matter, we're looking to that moment to create those feelings, which then it doesn't offer us. And now I'm in a shame spiral. If I'm a bad person, I'm stupid. Nobody loves me, I'm unlovable, unimportant, I don't matter. And now, that moment didn't offer you what you want. But here's the key.

And here's the key. You nurturing that an worthy part, the part of you that says I'm not worthy, I'm not lovable. Nobody wants me. Nobody cares about me, which is what happens when we feel alone. And when we take the moment to breathe in hand over Heart Centre, and say, I see you, I love you, I care about you. It's okay to have your feelings, let them out. Let them have a voice. This brings me so much. Empowerment to say this to you. Because when you can allow this to come forward, you can allow yourself to tolerate your own emotions. You're going to break through this acceptance and healing, it's going to you're on the path, you're on the path. But you have to face the pain, you have to know the moment will most likely come with pain. And we don't want to feel that we don't want to feel that I didn't. I didn't want to feel those that pain. I didn't want to feel the sadness. I didn't want to feel the disappointment. I didn't want to feel the fear of the missed opportunity. The missed memory, the missed moment that I'll never get back. I mean just catastrophizing things, I'll never get the moment back and we won't have this experience. And then she'll miss this opportunity and never have an opportunity again, I mean, it's completely catastrophizing things, because of my inner child, wanting her to have the moment or wanting the family to have this experience or these memories, instead of just letting it go and let the moment unfold as it will let each person have their emotions and their own journey with it. That's the gift you give yourself. And you break family systems that have so much anxiety and perfectionism and shame at the root. And you can just accept the as is I'll tell her story. We were on a trip, a family trip. And I was just not in a good space. And we were really trying to name it. I was trying to name it and I decided I'm going to name it. I was calling myself Breyer bear. Like, you know, when you think of like, prickly bear, I was like, I'm Breyer bear. I'm like, Prickly, I'm hormonal I'm sure. And when I couldn't name that, and I said, Hey, this isn't about you guys. I'm so sorry. I am rare bear. This isn't about you. How are you feeling that I'm Bear Bear right now. It's okay to share how you're feeling. And I just said I just kind of just need to give myself compassion today because I'm don't feel like myself. And wow, the family dynamics shifted. When I was able to say it out loud name it asked how they were feeling about it because they're allowed to have their feelings about my mood. And how I'm showing up in the energy I bring. Absolutely. And I was able to then accept the moment as it was that I wasn't going to be like that I had to be all peppy, because I didn't have To offer and they're like, are you okay mom, because I was at myself and just naming out the house use my nervous system and there's they're like, Okay, the saying out loud, you don't need to make me feel better. I'm working on it myself. I'm gonna go journal. After we get back to wherever we were the hotel, I'm gonna go journal, I'm going to take some time to get myself centred. And in the meantime, I'm going to be doing deep breathing, it's not about you, it's about getting myself centred. What a great way to just name the elephant in the room. Isn't that what would calms the nervous system instead of just pretending and having all these unhealthy patterns. So when we can face the discomfort and tolerate it, we then model what it looks like to sit in our to sit with it, be with it, befriend it, love ourselves through it. And not pressuring yourself to just get through it, and we should be over it. And we shouldn't feel like this because the other person has it worse. No more shitting on ourselves about it. It's okay to have your experience of whatever's going on in your life. Of course, you're gonna have heartbreak, sadness, grief, maybe some anger, it's what are you doing with that? When we can surrender to your breath, connect to the breath. And really come back to the present moment, feet on the floor, ground yourself, you're gonna feel like you can tolerate things. And the unknown in the uncertainty that she wants so much to know.

I mean, we all do, I want to know the outcome. I'm begging in my prayers to tell me the outcome of things begging, and the consistent messages, you've got to sit within certainty. Really? Why can't you just tell me the outcome. Um, I mean, seriously, don't we all just want to know, it's all going to be okay. And we're going to be okay, and they're going to be okay, and everybody's going to be okay. And we just have to sit with the discomfort of the unknown, through the breath, through nurturing ourselves through compassion. Observe when you're in a state of acceptance and when you're not. So notice when you're in acceptance, and what that feels like. And notice when you're fighting it when you're trying to get a different outcome, and you're attached to a certain outcome. Oh, happens to all of us notice the difference, when you can move through it. Come back to centre and say, Okay, I accept the moment as its unfolding and the emotions that come with it. And everything is happening for our highest good Eve, that statement can be kind of polarising and controversial, but when you were just doing this work for 20 years, and in my own life, I do believe that even no pain in bad things happen. Not do I wish that on anyone. No, I don't want to anymore in my own life, like I'm almost like begging, don't have anything else happen. And when I go, you're going to be okay, you can handle it. Everything's an opportunity for us to expand, to learn to love bigger. And when I'm in pain, emotional pain, I can offer more empathy. When I've moved through my emotional pain to other people, even if I'm still in it, it's an opportunity to expand my heart centre. And once you've moved through to acceptance, I can feel that my heart is more open. I can feel the settling of my nervous system, I can feel that I have more to give when I get through it, and to the other side, and I'm surrendered to Him and acceptance. So ask yourself, what do you need to accept? I'm not saying abuse or anything like that. That's not what this conversation we're talking about. That's a whole nother episode. We're just talking about accepting your life as it is unfolding. Even if it's hard and painful. So what are you surrendering to? What are you accepting? And if you need to make bigger change, to go to that other conversation, then that's, that's also something maybe you need to accept the truth of who you are, who you are in relationship with, except that they're not going to change. If they're abusive, accept it, so you can make a decision to get out of it. And a plan and a safety plan and consult with somebody that's an expert like a therapist, or an agency that helps people get out of unhealthy relationships. And maybe you need to accept someone has an addiction. So you can get yourself help. Maybe you need to go to Al Anon nurse or 12 Step programme Do your own therapy. Maybe you're accepting who your child really is a set of pushing them to be someone that they're not. And maybe you're accepting yourself as you are, instead of trying to make yourself be someone that is masked, that is hidden. This is the path to freedom to clarity to connection to contentment. And I am so grateful you're, you listen to the whole episode, and you're here. And you're, you're willing to be with me. And this expansion place of looking at things in a different way, sitting with the discomfort, befriending it. Loving your pain, not because you want to. It's because What other choice do you have? Do you want to be in bitterness or victimhood? Or do you want to be in wisdom and growth? It's up to you. And actually, that brings me to what my therapist was saying that her therapist said to her, her therapist was saying you can either choose bitterness, or living in bitterness are living in wisdom that stuck with me. That's where that came through. And I was like, yes. Living in bitterness or living in wisdom. And wisdom is choosing to surrender. As hard as it is, and it's a journey to get there. So I'm here cheering you on, walking alongside you. So if you need encouragement, maybe you listen to this episode a couple of times. Maybe you share it with somebody you're in a relationship with or maybe you decide you and a friend are going to work on accepting the moments as they are. And you're gonna go, Okay, we're surrendering. We're accepting the moment as it is. And sometimes we just need to be able to say that to somebody and then we've got all Yeah, I'm with you. I love you. I'm hold space for you. Thank you for sharing this time with me. You matter you're important. You're loved, even though shame wants to tell you something different. I'm gonna continue to tell you the truth. There is possibility and healing and hope. I'll see you again next week or talk to you again next week. Thanks for listening.