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Unmasking WHo you really are with Dr. heather browne| 8.2.2022

In this episode, Kristen talks with Dr. Heather Browne about unmasking your true self and how to honor your reality.

You'll Learn

  • Why do we hide our true selves
  • Helpful ways to unmask your authentic self
  • How to accept other people's reality

https://www.drheatherbrowne.com/

Resources

For counseling services near Indianapolis, IN, visit www.pathwaystohealingcounseling.com.

Subscribe and Get a free 5-day journal at www.kristendboice.com/freeresources to begin closing the chapter on what doesn’t serve you and open the door to the real you.

Subscribe to the Close the Chapter YouTube Channel

This information is being provided to you for educational and informational purposes only. It is being provided to you to educate you about ideas on stress management and as a self-help tool for your own use. It is not psychotherapy/counseling in any form.

Welcome to the Close the Chapter Podcast. I am Kristen Boice a licenced Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice Pathways to Healing Counseling. Through conversations, education, strategies and shared stories we will be closing the chapter on all the thoughts, feelings, people and circumstances that don't serve you anymore and open the door to possibilities and the real you. You won't want to miss an episode so be sure to subscribe

Welcome to this week's close the chapter podcast I am thrilled that you're joining me today. As always, we have such a deep important conversation to have on what our reality and how we perceive things and how that affects our relationships and communication and even how we see ourselves. So I'm so excited to have my guest here with me today. I want to introduce you to her. As a relationship expert Dr. Heather Browne has worked with 1000s of individuals and couples in psychotherapy. Sh has published and hundreds of journals and has an active YouTube channel has been featured on ABC SEVEN NEWS and was the relationship expert on KD OC Daybreak OC and as published in ink, Toronto Sun thriving family magazine, light in life and Psychology Today. She was a regular guest blogger for both links for shrinks, and for marriage friendly therapists. Welcome Dr. Heather brown to the podcast.

Dr. Heather
Thank you so much for having me. And thank you, audience.

Kristen
I'm so excited. You're here. How did you become a marriage and family therapist, like what led you to become a psychotherapist?

Dr. Heather
Well, in a nutshell, my mom was a paranoid schizophrenic, and herself when I was 16. And it showed me that it can be very hard to walk this life. And it can be very hard to walk this life along with someone else. And I needed to do a lot of personal healing from that. And in doing so I fell in love with the healing arts and with the power of caring for another as they're going through their personal journey. And so it all started with mom.

Kristen
Oh, yes, the mother wound. Yeah,

Dr. Heather
but also the mother glory, because she was beautiful when she was healthy. And so that was part of the reason why my thought for psychotherapy was, gosh, if I could just help people find more of their magic, and then also realise it's really beautiful to get some care and some hope and support when you're not in those wonderful spots. Yes.

Kristen
How much work have you had to do to get to that belief, because so many people start and don't feel like that? I really can't

Dr. Heather
say I think my whole life has been a journey to be quite honest. But I did do five years of work three, and that was on myself. And then to Europe. I don't know if you will resonate with this. But I sure did, too, was my first two years of being a therapist, and really wanting someone to guide me very much through that process of am I doing this? Well? Am I honouring Well, am I covering things well, and then now I'm in and out, you know, as life changes, I'll go back freely and easily. And there's a lot of things other than therapy that I find deeply therapeutic meditation, yoga, nature, there's lots of other beautiful ways to heal to.

Kristen
Yes, thank you for sharing that. I think when we are vulnerable with our own stories, we give permission to other people to step into their story. It's scary when people start sharing like, this is my childhood. This is some of my experiences. I think it can be scary at first, how did you get the courage yet to kind of lean into facing the pain.

Dr. Heather
It was a very bizarre awareness. So after my mom killed herself, things at home were never healthy. But then they got sadly to say, in some ways even more unhealthy. And I was disowned by my dad when I was 17 because I would not pursue the career he wanted me to pursue. And so I went off to New York because it was as far as I could go and got myself in school and was in theatre. And one day someone in the dorm said to me, what is it like to be perfect? And I looked at her and said, What do you mean? And she said, You're beautiful. You're talented. You're really intelligent. Everyone likes you. You're like Barbie, and my heart broke. And I was a sniffling mess. I'm sure poor Susan wherever you are thought to God, what have I done? I realised it In that moment, because I shared with her I am so far from I'm disowned, I don't know how to pay for college, I have nowhere to spend Christmas, you know, my mom killed herself, I had so many things to work on, and I realised I would, must have been a phenomenal actress. And I knew at that moment, if I didn't start allowing myself to be who I really was, I was going to be unbelievably lonely. And I didn't want to be and I also had this huge need to not be fake. And so at that moment, I realised, okay, this might be awkward and hard. But if I don't share who I really am, what am I doing in this life. And it was kind of a split from my mom, because I don't know how many realities but she had at least two that I'm aware of, and she couldn't bridge them. And I realised I was doing the same thing. But I wasn't a paranoid schizophrenic. I was devastated last scared little girl, Heather. And then I was, I've got it all together, beautiful, thriving actress Heather, and they were not the same person completely at all. And I needed to find ways to really embrace them together. And that's kind of been my life's journey. And the journey that I'm blessed to walk people through, in whatever way they're fractured, or in whatever way they're hiding or running.

Kristen
A lot of your story is so inspirational for so many, because we mask we hide, we have survival strategies that we've learned to get through the pain and the trauma. And when she asked you that I could even see in your face, like the power of that question and feeling not seen, because she didn't know the rest of the story because you had perfected it yourself so well, so to speak.

Dr. Heather
What's wild is we think the mask is protection. But the mask and I just had this awareness so bless you for this Christen. The awareness is actually a lack of self love. And so when you realise the mask is an act of unloving yourself, just owning yourself, and really taking that not I need to look this way for you to love me. But this is really me not loving me, gosh, what other choice is there, then just say, I want to love until I've got to start with all the gunk, it's easy to love the things that people love. But what about those places that nobody knows. And so I think that we have that awareness that the mask is actually a complete personal act of I will not love myself, I will hide myself from you and the world, a little shift happens. And that can be the place of transformation.

Kristen
Yes. And I think it's scary for people to say, but I want to look like I have it all together, I want to not air quote unquote, my dirty laundry or all my issues. I want people to think, Wow, you are somebody? So what do you say to all of us who have parts of us that were scared to show other people or wounds or issues or trauma

Dr. Heather
fine. And I would say you know, explore that, because I certainly don't share myself, you know, in the market line, Hey, my name is Heather, my mom killed her. So like, you know, it's in certain circles where it feels appropriate or beneficial. But there's also the place, you kind of want to feel out if the person can hold that safely. Because a lot of times you can overshare and someone can run or not know how to support you in that. So that's part of the reason why therapy is so in my opinion, beautiful, because it's hopefully a very safe container for that. But I think there's a place to ask yourself a couple of questions. Is this the time? Is this the person? And then probably a really important question would be and what is the purpose of this? Because there's some places that are personal and close and intimate. And then to say, hey, you know, I'm feeling something really strongly or I'm going through something, would it be okay for me to share, there's a place of us respecting the other and also taking care of ourselves to make certain this is a place to step into. I have some friends who certainly don't know a lot of my story, because it's not it's not necessary. They've stepped into my life now. I'm so not 16 And so they know me kind of easygoing, fun, professional, active successful. They don't know that girl at at seven College. She was devastated. So it depends upon Why are you sharing it? What are you wanting out of that? And is this person really open to it and safe for you? Because sometimes that inside is not I'm scared and I'm hiding, because I'm not willing to share sometimes it's I don't know if this is the right person. I had one time where one of the very best friends called me and I don't ever answer the phone this way. But I picked up the phone and I said Oh Laura, thank God you called. And then she started talking Seeing and because she knows me incredibly well, she went, Wait a second, why thank God I called. And I said, my dad just died. And she just went, Oh, however, I'm so sorry. And then right into the conversation. I mean, I could have been there for Laura, but not very well. And that's an extreme. But there's a place of finding out, do you have the space and the room and the desire for this, not everybody wants to know us intimately, which is why intimacy is scary. And it's why it's rare, and why it's healing and why it's beautiful. It's not with everyone, in my opinion, a sacred connection with somebody else, and a sacred connection with yourself. It's so true.

Kristen
And I think when you can breathe through the discomfort, you have found a person you feel safe with, whether it's a therapist, a friend, a neighbour, whoever it is, and you start revealing your true emotions and how you really feel instead of saying I'm fine feelings inside not expressed, you start being more real and vulnerable and authentic, the loneliness starts to dissipate, because you're actually not masking anymore. So you can connect, and you can be seen. So there's so many benefits. Let's jump into the reality piece, because you talked about your mom that your mom had two realities. And we more or more, right? We all have perceptions versus how we see my reality versus someone else's reality. Can we jump into that peace, love and how it plays with connection and masking? So tell me about our reality?

Dr. Heather
Well, I think it's fascinating that we believe that anybody else could think, feel, no, as we do. And something that I'll share with clients is I'll point to, like, I'm picking up a yellow candle, and I'll say, do we see the same yellow? And then I'll say, Does chocolate tastes the same to you as it does to me? Does my voice sound the same? And they kind of stumbled for a minute? Then they say, I don't know. I don't either. And I'm never going to know. So if we can't know something that is physical, like a candle, a taste something you hear, how could we ever believe something like a thought, or a feeling, or a belief would be something that we are 100% on the same page with? And I know with clients, so oftentimes, they'll use words, and I love words, I'm a poet, but feelings are bigger than words. And they'll say something like, I just want to be loved more. And I'll say, Well, what does that mean? You want her to text you more you want sex three times a week, you want a hug? You want shoes, what lasagna, you won't play baseball, like, what does that mean? And they laugh, but we don't know what anybody else believes. And so if you're willing to recognise that, and realise, well, my reality is mine, but I don't know what yours is. And so I'm not going to determine what I think is our decision based on me, I can determine mine. But if I want to have a relationship with you, you are as important whether I agree with what you think or feel or not. And it came to me one moment with my mom, when she thought the helicopter flying over the house was coming to get her. And my dad was trying to tell her it wasn't. So that was not working. And I saw her just in hysteria. And so I went and I grabbed a blanket, and I threw it over her head. And I said, they're not going to get you mommy. And when the helicopters finally left, and she came out, she looked up at me with eyes that I'll never forget, because she thought I had shared her reality. I hadn't, because I didn't believe the helicopters were coming to get her. But I didn't negate hers. And something inside me went off and said, This is important. And something from then on started my therapeutic journey, if you will, which is recognising my role is not to decide if your reality is right or wrong. That's I have no right to do that. That's up to you and I will honour that. But I do have a way to love you in yours. If I can have deep compassion for you. And that is my life's work. That's why I'm a therapist. That's why I'm writing the book I'm writing right now. When creating the online programme, it's all about the place I have to live on this world with all of us and COVID showed us that we can be impacted by every person on this earth, whether that was COVID plan or not, it gave us such a massive truth. And if we can do the same thing with compassion and love, the world would be a very different place to live. And that starts with me.

Kristen
This is why you and I are doing this work. 100%

Dr. Heather
Thank you, God will lead pole sacred and I am everyday astonish that I am entrusted with this beauty. And I take it powerful, unbelievably, respectfully. And here's

Kristen
the power in this because your mom being paranoid schizophrenic, right? You're not. And this happens with couples, they already think they know the other person's reality. They'll tell me, Well, this is what they're going to say, this is what they're going to do. This is going to be the next steps. And with your mom, that moment where you're like, she believes that you are sharing the same reality, the same belief she has that the helicopter is coming for you guys. You didn't know that you were just like, Okay, what Dad's doing isn't working, trying to convince her otherwise. So I'm going a different route. But we'll just throw the blanket like you kind of you shifting gears. This is hard for people. I mean, we're on a mission for the rest of our lives to get this to show love, grace, compassion. I mean, this is hard. Especially when you feel like you're not being seen, you're being attacked, you're not being heard. You're kind of being blamed. And so the compassion and the grace, and then what we're doing is we're in a defensive place to people are in a defensive place. How do we stop the hat pattern of being convinced of what the other person feels thinks is going to do next? Because we're trying to protect ourselves? How do we break that pattern to step into more grace and compassion and love? I mean, that's tough.

Dr. Heather
It absolutely is. And the place where it's the hardest, and I have to be careful here. And not necessarily the wisest is with a narcissist. So I have to kind of put a little bit of a barrier there, because it is different with a narcissist, I believe. But my place is, run, I am receiving that. What I say to myself immediately is, they're either hurt, or they're scared. And that's why we're in this place. And so what I try to do is say, and I put it all on me, wow, like, I want to be able to listen to you, I want to be able to hear what you're saying. But I'm feeling really, really overwhelmed right now. I need to take a couple of minutes just to calm myself down, because I'm shutting down, and I'm not listening to you. And I really want to be able to listen to what you have to say because I know it's really important. I don't ask permission, I don't say is that, okay? Because oftentimes, you're gonna get a No, I just say I need to do this. And when and I'm just gonna say when because it happens. When the person says, No, I hold my boundary and just as much as I can and try to say, That's not acceptable. I'm shut down. And then I don't, it doesn't happen to me very often. But I use it in therapy quite a bit where I'll tell people, whoever is feeling the more triggered, the more overwhelmed, the more scared, needs to take care of themselves. And so what I tell my clients to do is to come up with a phrase, that's kind of a silly phrase, like jelly doughnut, or something that's not a command, like stop or don't talk or shut up or leave me alone. Or don't attack me. Not a strong painful word. Tofu hot dog, jelly doughnut, porcupine. And that's a phrase of I want to love you really well right now, and I'm having a hard time. So let's take five minutes. And then let's come back and connect again. If you will honour taking five minutes, and you both choose to calm in that time and centre and ask yourself, Okay, this isn't going well. Where am I scared? Where am I hurt? You'll come to the information below the argument, which is what's really important. But when someone comes at me very strongly, energetically and I'm feeling attacked, overwhelmed, blamed. I tried very hard to recognise that their experience not necessarily mine. And if I can, there's a place for me to just listen, pry to receive it for what it is if I can tolerate it and if not take a break and then realise it's their truth, not mine, just like I didn't believe the helicopters were coming to get my mom. But I didn't negate that she believed that and that way we could be in that reality something I also tough clients. And this works beautifully if you can do it. But it's so hard is to say, it could just be a question. So when the person says like, What the hell did you do with it edited it in? You can take it in and save yourself if you're able to, it's just a question and simply answer, I didn't, or I don't know, or that wasn't me, or that wasn't my intent, you don't have to take on the judgement, the blame the attack of the other, it's incredibly hard not to. But when you don't, because you're not jumping down into the lower frequency of communication and energy, they have to rise up a little, because you're not pushing them down, and they're expecting you to push back. So if you don't push back, either just hold space, take a break, or stay elevated, they will rise up a little, because they realise they're not in a fight. And if they come back from our fight, at some point, they're gonna realise you're not fighting me. And I let them have their beliefs. Gosh, I'm sorry, you feel that way? Don't understand it? Could you share some more? I had no idea I was this horrible person to you? Can you share with me your experience? That takes a

Kristen
lot of self work is what I tell people. I mean, this is a little, we're coming at it from therapy, and we've done a lot of work, and we're still working on this. I think someone's reality, we are convinced it's true. My reality, I'm convinced that what I think is true, the other person is convinced that what they think is true.

Dr. Heather
Well, but it is, and I tell my clients that you are right for you 100%, and you were probably wrong for them. 70%. And vice versa. That is true. My reality is true. For me, it's mine, and yours is for you, but doesn't mean ours quite lines up. And that's the place of trying to explore a little bit of what is that?

Kristen
So how do you weave in, we're gonna throw in some therapeutic terms that I'll define projection, that's where I, let's say I have a fear, or I have a belief that belittling me and you're really, the person really isn't. It's just my trauma lens that I have. Were just so I'm putting I'm displacing that onto somebody else. And I'm convinced that's true. So how does reality and projection play out

Dr. Heather
what it is, or when you know the person better, because they know your story and your narrative a little bit more, like with my kids, my place where I can wobble quite a bit, it's feeling taken advantage of my husband didn't work for five years, then he died. And so I've been sick, and then I was on my own 17. So I've been the caretaker of myself and others for most of my life. And sometimes I'm like, Heather, why'd you sign up for this one, I feel taken advantage of or not appreciated. And so what I've learned to say with my kids is little Heather's not feeling appreciated right now. And I'm not saying you're not, but I just need you to know as both of my kids are such tools of children, they will say, Oh, little other little other, we love you. I own it. I'll tell somebody, Hey, my place where I start to have a hard time if I feel not being appreciated, or respected. So if I ever say or, or do anything that doesn't feel comfortable or right for you, would you let me know, because I am continually working on myself. I know when I experienced something that I feel is a projection. I try to recognise that and what I say to myself in my head is to you or for you. So you're being mean to me, and I'll think, okay, that's your opinion, that's for you. That's not necessarily my belief. So I create the separation right away. Here's an attack. Here's the blame, here's a judgement. I don't less than theirs. But I realised by saying to you for you, that is your thought. It separates it in my head from that is truth. And now I am this horrible person and simply if you think I will horrible person, but it's easier for me to deal with you think I'm a horrible person, than you have changed my entire reality because I've decided to believe yours. It should be mine. And I don't

Kristen
you don't take the shame because shame says I'm not good enough. You're a bad person. You're defective. There's something wrong with you. You're saying I tried to create space to look at that's just someone's thought it doesn't mean that I am a piece of crap.

Dr. Heather
Or, and then as much as possible, I try to recognise that's their belief. It gives me clarity of where I am. It shows me something very important about them. That do I choose to have compassion for them though they see me this way. Do I I choose to work with them to try to resolve this, or is this someone to kind of say, and I have done this, John, I'm really sorry. That's your experience of me that truly is not who I feel I am. And if you're wanting to talk about it again, we certainly can. But I'm not going to engage in this, that if you have a problem with me, if you have a challenge with me, I'll take it like I get, you might not like me, okay, you might not want me to do things, the way I do things. And I'm really conscientious of trying to support people in what they need, as long as it's true to myself. But when someone needs me to be something other than I am, my daughter is an example. She moved in with her boyfriend. And that is something that my late husband family feels very strongly opposed to, and several people in the family no longer will be around her, they can have that choice 100%, my daughter can have her choice 100%, I have my choice. 100%, they do not line up, this is not what I want. It's not what I think is love. But to them that is and so I have to honour their loving and the way they feel right in loving, and I have to own, I feel differently. I can't say mines, right, because theirs is for them. And I've had to work on myself and I still have more work to do. To not judge that or less than that. It's beautiful, that they're protecting themselves in the way that they feel they need to protect themselves if they need to. And I need to honour that. But I also and my daughter and my son need to honour who we are. And someone else's belief does not mean we are anything or aren't anything. It doesn't make my daughter any less glorious of a person in my eyes. So there's a really hard place with shame and belittling or shunning just owning. And I've now gone through that twice in my life, which is wild. And there's a part of my head that goes what is that? Why do you get owned by men. And I have to say, don't quite go there. But don't create some weird reality that now is gonna happen for the rest of your life. But it's actually been a beautiful place for me to say, because you are to stay true to who you are. Not in fight, not in pressure, just in presence. But to me, that is what life is I can be me, you can be you. And we will learn how to walk this and and when we can't walk together, I'm fine with someone walking away and doing whatever it is that they are to do. But it'd be lovely if they come back at times. And I think that's a big piece of attachment of recognising just because I want you in my life always. Or I want you in my life like this. That doesn't mean you're going to choose that. And while I love you, simply because you are you, even if I completely do not agree with some of the choices that you make. And then my head goes to well, who the hell am I to tell somebody else? Really who they are to be even my children. I can guide them on what I think I can raise them with my beliefs. But I really do want them to find their own. Just licence. Susan was key to me in my life, I needed to find out who the hell was I? Because I wasn't Barbie. And I wasn't solely devastated. Heather, there was a whole bunch of stitching that needed to happen back and forth, and back and forth.

Kristen
Beautiful. You got me thinking about one of my therapy sessions with my two daughters. And it's a matter of letting go and accepting like everybody's gonna make their own choices. intellectually. I know this emotionally, sometimes you get other experiences of it. And so she said, What if you said, I will honour your choice? Yes. Okay. And if you don't agree with the choice, it's not your journey.

Dr. Heather
And it's interesting. You said that because that came up to me yesterday with a bunch of beautiful people I was meeting with, and I don't know what people's beliefs are spiritually, and why we're here and all of that. So what I'm about to say might not land well for people and so just know it's just my experience, but I wanted my mom to come to me in dreams or in messages or in something after she died. And there was nothing as I had felt like when I see a sunrise or a bird with other people, so I knew there was that or feeling energy in your hand. I knew there was messages that come a lot of his panties. People talking about panties and butterflies and birds that show up when someone has passed. There was nothing and one day took 40 years but one day, I knew I was to tell her mom, I honour your decision. Which was weird because I had forgiven her immediately, like her life was torture from my experience of her experience, which I'm sure was miniscule. But it was torture the last six years so hard, that to honour her decision to kill herself felt very strange to me, coming from some of exploring Christianity and different faiths. But I was to say it. And what was amazing to me is there was no shift within me, I felt a shift in the universe. And certainly thereafter, I experienced her coming. And the first time she did, she came to me, and I could just feel her presence. And she said, I didn't want to do what I did. I just couldn't stay. And of course, I solved ads. Of course, I knew that. But I had this, and maybe it's all in my head. But I had this beautiful belief, that somehow loving her, ah, loving her once again, from afar, being that bridge, like I will honour what you had to do different realities, I will honour that, as a mom, I know, I will never make that choice. But that was hers to make, and an honouring that somehow that freed compassion and love, once again, between us. And I now experienced her pretty much all the time, love mixed in with God and mother, Mary, and all of it.

Kristen
I love that, Heather, thank you for sharing that. That is the essence of what we're doing. Opening up to be able to acknowledge, receive and honour people's journeys, including your own.

Dr. Heather
And knowing that in doing so, through honouring is really staying in that place of respect of, please be who you are. And I will see you as you are in my best ability to see you. That's fluid. And please know, I'm seeing you in my ability. And that's fluid, to this moment is this moment, and I want it to be as close and connected. As I'm able as you are able. And if we're willing to we'll keep growing. I said to my daughter, the other day, I have incredibly beautiful relationships with my children. Thank you, God, incredibly beautiful. But I said to her, I realised I have not received your love as deeply as I can. And she said, Oh, what made you realise that? And I said nothing. I just realised my ability to love is bigger than I knew. And she said, Oh, Mom, I'm like, right? Does it think how much I'm going to love you in six months. But to me, why not let that be our journey every day helped me learn how to love more everything me my size, the government, the world, the water, the air, like there's a lot that we can change. But if we can bring a whole bunch more love in, we're going to be more effective and changing. Because the problem and the solution are not the same. You don't solve the problem by focusing on the problem. I haven't lived off them I had a couple of weeks ago, which is you can't dig yourself out of the hole. We say you got to dig yourself out of a hole you don't. So you just keep going deeper and deeper. And deeper and deeper. I'm like, take yourself out of a hole, you put the shovel down. You say Dear god, this isn't working. What happens if I go this way? And then you climb out? So when we stop beating up on what is wrong, and start to look at? Where are those places we can connect? Where are those blankets to extend and say, okay, we can connect here. Don't get a lot of what's under this blanket. But we can connect here, here's my blanket, then we start moving in that direction. And when the experience is felt of love, you have a lot more movement

Kristen
you do. It's the key. I could keep going on and on. And I know we're tight. And I love the little Heather we do that in my house like our inner child. It's like our little girl a little boy or a little soul, whatever however you want to frame it whatever you identify with, and it's powerful. Where can people find you? I loved our conversation if they're interested in learning more about you and connecting how can they find you?

Dr. Heather
My website is Dr. Heather brown.com. There's no periods so Dr. H, eh, eh er br o wN e.com. And I send out a weekly newsletter with compassion and connection. So they can sign up to that if they'd like. I'm about to do a live zoom recorded course on reframing your thoughts, which is on August 4 That's on my website. And then in September, I'm launching a six week compact Shouldn't Conscious Communication course called speaking with a heart. And it's for couples that's for individuals is for people who are aware of they want to love and honour their personal communication and communication with others. So I walk you through the different steps of inner communication, and then our communication and then connected communication through resolution and love. So anybody who has any questions, feel free to reach out and feel honoured.

Kristen
Thank you so much, Heather, for your heart, your energy and your time, it was an honour to spend this 40 minutes with you. And so I look forward to continuing connecting. So thanks for being here. Thank you guys. Thanks so much. Thank you so much for listening to the Close the Chapter Podcast. My hope is that you took home some actionable steps, along with motivation, inspiration and hope for making sustainable change in your life. If you enjoy this episode, click the subscribe button to be sure to get the updated episodes every week and share with a friend or a family member. For more information about how to get connected visit kristendboice.com. Thanks and have a great day.