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BUilding the courage to say things out loud with vasavi kumar| 4.27.2022

In this episode, Kristen talks with Vasavi Kumar about gaining the courage to free yourself by saying it out loud - showing up your authentic self without the fear of being judged.

You'll Learn

  • How to show up your authentic self
  • Expressing yourself without the fear of being judged
  • How to put yourself out there in healthy ways

Resources

For counseling services near Indianapolis, IN, visit www.pathwaystohealingcounseling.com.

Subscribe and Get a free 5-day journal at www.kristendboice.com/freeresources to begin closing the chapter on what doesn’t serve you and open the door to the real you.

Subscribe to the Close the Chapter YouTube Channel

This information is being provided to you for educational and informational purposes only. It is being provided to you to educate you about ideas on stress management and as a self-help tool for your own use. It is not psychotherapy/counseling in any form.

Kristen
Welcome to the Close the Chapter Podcast. I am Kristen Boice a licenced Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice Pathways to Healing counselling. Through conversations, education, strategies and shared stories. We will be closing the chapter on all the thoughts, feelings, people and circumstances that don't serve you anymore. And open the door to possibilities and the real you. You won't want to miss an episode so be sure to subscribe. Thank you so much for joining me for this week's closed chapter podcast. I am on a mission to help as many people as I can to find their voice to speak their truth with love and grace to find healing and transformation and ultimately freedom. So thank you for sharing this thank you for rating and reviewing and subscribing to the podcast. I love getting reviews. So if you do write a review, please tag me on social at Kristen D Boice. On Instagram or Facebook, I would love to see your review. It just means the world. That's how people find us. And it really does matter your reviews. And be sure to join the mailing list at Kristen kristendboice.com forward slash free resources you get a free journal guide that you could reuse over and over and over. It's what I use with most every client it is really helpful. So I recommend getting on the mailing list. You'll get all the latest videos content helpful information to help you on your healing journey. Really excited about this week's episode I just finished up the interview with vasavi Kumar, and she is fire she's got a lot of energy. She's a retired therapist. She is real authentic and honest. And I think you're gonna get a lot out of this episode. You're gonna feel fired up probably after the episode where we talk all things real in her life from addiction to freeing herself from addiction, how she talks to that insecure part of herself in practical ways. And she's writing a book that I'm excited to come out in the spring of 2023. So she is the outspoken host of the say it out loud podcast upcoming author of the say it out loud book actor and comedian and retired therapist as a first generation Indian immigrant. vasavi made her parents proud by going to Columbia University to receive her second master's degree in social work, or second master's in general. She has one Master's This is the second one through her communication, training, consulting and membership and mentorship. vasavi helps her clients be more comfortable, confident and in control during media interviews, tele presentations and interpersonal communication, so they can show up confidently. That's what you'll get from her, you will pick up on her confidence and we talk about how did you get to be so confident? Are you afraid of rejection in judgement? How do you work through that so you can be your authentic self and put yourself out there in all relationships, health in healthy ways. So we go through her journey, we talk about her family of origin, we talk about family dynamics, I really love this conversation. And I hope you will too. So without further ado, here is my conversation with philosophy, philosophy. Welcome to the close the chapter podcast, I am thrilled that you are here. We've been online, I've been following you watching your journey, seeing the flow that you're in, and how you are just showing up with your authentic self. Can you walk us through a little bit about you and how you got to the point you are today? I know that's a big question. It is

Vasavi
a big question. But I love the spaciousness in which I get to answer because I can literally answer this however I want to. So it's a great question. Okay, so who I am, what I do is I help people with their self expression, the host of the say it out loud podcast and the upcoming book, say it out loud. So as you can see, I'm a firm believer that anything in our life, we can create anything that we want in our life, we can resolve conflicts in our life, we can solve any problems in our life. When we say it out loud, I believe that our voice is our most sacred instrument. And if you have a voice and you're able to use it, then it is your responsibility and your duty to do so. And so I really love being that person that that people can go to tell me anything. And I always say this to my clients. I say this to anybody, even if you're not a paying client, I say listen, there's nothing you can tell me that I'm judging. There's nothing you can tell me that I haven't in some shape or form experienced myself. So for me, what I do right is helping people with their self expression, but who I be is someone that you can tell me anything and all I want is for you to free yourself of your burdens. I want you to unburden yourself when you're around me say that shit out loud. Am I allowed to curse free yourself? Yeah. I want you to free yourself. And I believe that when you say the stuff that you haven't been saying out loud, you will start to free yourself so that the stuff that you really want in your life has space to enter. And that's me in a nutshell.

Kristen Boice
And that is beautiful. And I love your history, like you have gone through addiction. Tell us about that journey, because so we all have vices. So let's talk a little bit about that.

Vasavi
Yeah, so it's interesting, because when I checked myself into rehab both times, two times, it was always for cocaine, I checked myself in for substances and alcohol and pills. But what I've now realised is that that was just the byproduct of my primary addiction, which was people where I felt helpless. And where I felt powerless in my life has always been with people not being able to control others, and not fully being able to accept others for who they are not being able to handle how I feel around other people, because I have a perception of how I think they should be. So my addiction is really to my powerlessness around people. And the way I coped was through cocaine. So it's interesting, because anytime I found myself in a situation with boyfriends, especially partners, when I couldn't control my partners, because you really can't control anybody. That's the biggest lesson, I use drugs and alcohol to deal with it. So that's why I checked myself into rehab the first time it was for substances, but it was really me having to let go of my need to change people, and really focus on the only person that I could change is myself. So that's where I'm at today, three years sober as of March 26 2022. I got sober in 2019. So

Kristen Boice
just congratulations, right before the big pandemic. Actually, that's really

Vasavi
funny, because whenever people ask me, like, oh, how was quarantining? For you? I'm like, I've been quarantining, because, you know, right before the pandemic hit, I was already entering into a year of sobriety. So I've spent a year basically quarantining myself on purpose.

Kristen Boice
So yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Yeah. When you were around people that you can't control because we all know we that's a big piece for many people, family, especially family dynamics, any systems you're in right or intimate relationships. Did you feel like your voice was like, were you stifling your voice? Was that part of it? I'm curious about that piece.

Vasavi
So unlike a lot of people that typically come to work with me, my issue was never that I stifled my voice with my family. What I needed to work on was really my emotional regulation. I've actually never had a problem saying it out loud to my family. That's what I got in trouble for what I got in trouble for was trying to control the dynamics between my parents, which by the way, it's not the job of the child, right? That is not the job of a child. But when the adults in your life don't know how to behave, the child takes on that role. That's the role that I played. So I want to be very transparent that I've never had the struggle of stifling my voice with family. I stifled my voice in my love life. That's where I stifled because I didn't want to be like my mother. So I learned to be more like my father. And I kept stuff inside in my love life. Most recently, actually, I was just with family, about 14 of my family members, which would typically bring me a lot of anxiety, which it did leading up to having to see everyone. But I honestly can say it's because of my practice of talking to myself in the privacy of my own home, allowing the angriest parts of me to speak like I rage out, Kristen, like, I will be washing some dishes, and I'll be having fights in my head with my mother. And I'll say it out loud. And I can I say to myself, like wow, vasavi you're really angry at your mother. So I've become the mother that I've needed. And I've become the father that I always needed. But to go back and answer your original question, I never struggled with saying it out loud with family. The thing that I've really worked on and I'm really proud of is my ability to be with others exactly as they are. So I just got back from like a five day trip in Dallas, I was with my family, I can honestly say this, I had the best time. And guess what, my mom is still the same. She's still very type a very controlling very loud, very anxious, my father is getting progressively worse with his neurological condition. My sister is the same my uncles and aunts are still the same. And what I realised is, is that I've changed, I no longer feel the need to have to change everybody, because I feel all right within and that for me is huge growth. And I owe that to my practice of saying it out loud, which is what I teach others with

Kristen Boice
to do that's beautiful. And it sounds like the self regulation around the family system like being around 14 of you are able to stay kind of regulated and centred in yourself. That's exactly

Vsavi
what my mom noticed her and I went for a walk and the first thing she said to me, she was like how do you feel around everybody? And I said I feel okay, and just my living situation at home in Austin. I do live alone. So I have a lot of space and I have a lot of solitude and I have the freedom with myself to be able to be with all of myself and because I have learned how to be with myself. Notice I didn't say tolerate I can be with all of me. I don't tolerate there's no part of me that needs to be tolerated. And that's the biggest thing that I had to give to myself was this gift of like, you are not someone to be handled vasavi you are not someone to be tolerated and put up with and I used to feel like I had to put up with myself. So of course, when I was around other people, I didn't know how to manage my emotions because I thought it was just too much but because I've learned to be with myself and to soothe myself by practising saying out loud how I feel by being kinder to myself by not being a bitch to myself, like straight up, like I've stopped being a bitch to myself, I feel good with who I am like, I feel like like one thing I tell myself every day is we're okay, we're okay. We're gonna get through this no matter if I've had issues with money in my love life friendships, which I rarely have any issues in my friendships, I have great friendships, I talk to myself and I say we're okay, we are okay, we are going to be okay. What do you need vasavi to feel okay. And giving myself that because I've had a consistent practice of this, at least over the course of three years in my recovery, I can now show up anywhere and I don't feel like I'm gonna die, which I think many of us can relate to that feeling of being in situations and feeling like, I'm not going to be able to handle it. I don't feel that way anymore. I'm good, no matter what I will be okay. That doesn't mean I bypassed the things that are going on. I'm the first person to say I'm pissed off. I don't like this. But I don't ever tell myself anymore. We're not okay. We're not going to be okay. No, I'm good. I'm going to be okay, no matter what happens. Can you have a knowing about that? I know that because I proved that to myself. Because I've been through enough the universe will continue to give us the stuff that we need to work through and to soothe ourselves. And I know that no matter what it's unshakable confidence and conviction in my ability to be with that I have never experienced before. I'm just now experiencing it now for the first time and I'm about to be 40. So I think it's kind of good timing

Kristen Boice
birthday. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, your birthday as well. Are you Taurus? Yeah, when's your birthday? May 3 years. That's my mom's birthday. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Vasavi
So I we love each other. So yes, exactly. I don't know what your relationship like with is with your mom. So I don't want to assume anything but

Kristen Boice
well, you know, all mom dot really? Not all I shouldn't say that. But I'll have their dynamic between them. Right? Yeah, absolutely. Yes. So here you are. And you seem This is my perception. And let's dive in to see Yeah, let's dive into it. You're being you online, right. You're putting yourself out there. You're being your authentic self. Do you get afraid of people rejecting you, judging you? Like what comes up into relationships like male relationships? Is rejection a fear you have?

Vasavi
I think rejection was a lot harder for me back then. Because I rejected myself so much. And now it's so weird even saying this. This is the first time anyone's asked me this. It's I actually want to say out loud what I'm thinking right now, because I think it would help this conversation. This is what I'm thinking right now. And why I'm hesitating to answer this question. There's one part of me Kristin, that's like, can you really let people know that you really do not care what other people think that seems quite bold. vasavi there's another part of me that's like, well let people know that you still have insecurities, which I do. I'm both confident and insecure. The only difference is I know how to manage my insecurities. I know how to talk to myself to those insecurities. Do I worry about being rejected? No, because I know that I'm going to be okay. No matter what if you don't like me, that's fine. I like me. I do. And the reason why I hesitated saying it like this, because I have often been afraid of my own power and my confidence because it feels so callous, right? I have this perception of will I be perceived as callous and cold. If I say this, what I don't want is someone to hear me saying this and be like, Oh, so you want people think you must be this cold hearted? And it's like no, actually, I'm very soft hearted. That's really where I'm at. I'm extremely soft hearted. I don't I will not tell myself things that make me feel small. And because I treat myself with the utmost dignity and honour and respect as I treat other people. You can't get to me anymore. No one can get to me. And I never thought I'd get to this place. Does that mean that I don't get hurt? Are you kidding me? Like of course I do. Of course I feel that. But I know how to talk to myself through it that it doesn't debilitate me like it used to. It doesn't knock me out like it used to. It doesn't make me feel about myself. It's like, oh, that's fine. If you don't like me, or if you think I'm too loud. Or if you think I'm to this. That's cool. I like me. I like who I am. I like Columbia coming. I'm proud of who I am. And that's just where I'm at right now. Just

Kristen Boice
it did because what I'm hearing you say is you have different parts of yourself that say different things and you nurture yourself through. If you do have some insecurities. You don't really care what people think. But you also nurture yourself through by talking to yourself out loud, you're re parenting that little girl inside or that soul inside so you know you're going to be okay.

Vasavi
Thank you for saying it that way, you said it beautifully. That's what it is what I want your audience to hear is like, Yes, I care. Yes, I have very insecure parts of me. And that is not who I am. In my entirety. It is one part of myself, I am one of the most confident people that I know, I also have very deep insecurities about my body about do I sound smart enough? Do I know what I'm talking about? Am I being articulate? I have these voices in my head. That helped me now. Because when I hear those voices that are like, vasavi, are you making sense? You don't even make sense. Now how I talk to that part of myself is, okay, thank you for shedding light on this. Maybe we have opportunity to become clear in our messaging, maybe there's an opportunity here to be more articulate, or you know what we're good as we are right now, the people that get it will get it. So I just talked to myself, I just pay attention to what that part of myself is saying. And what I don't do is scold it, be rude to it, tell it to shut up, tell that part of myself to shut up. I learned from that part of myself, it's still a part of me, why should I shun that part of me, it still has value. In fact, that very harsh, critical voice that I have inside of me, which I still have, has now become much more of a friend because that part of me that's very critical wants to be taken seriously, I want to be respected. That's where that voice comes from. So instead of allowing that voice to keep me hidden, and myself small, I use that voice and I channelled that into how can we be better? Let's be better than let's be better? Or how can we have more fun with this? How can we have more fun, I look at all the voices in my head as my ally, no part of me is out to get I refuse to live in that conflict within myself. I look at every single voice inside of me, every single part of me has some value to bring to my life. It's all in perspective and how I choose to listen to that voice. Here's the thing, Kristen, I may not like the delivery of the message, but I can find the gold in everything. And so that's kind of where I'm at and how I approach even the work with my clients. It's like, listen, I may be what society perceives as harsh, I may be cold, you may think I'm all those things. But if you can rise above my delivery, and actually hear what I'm saying, there's gold in that for you. And for me, that's how I do it.

Kristen Boice
That's already bid was there all along. It's always there. It's always there. Yes, that's the beautiful part. And I also want to acknowledge like you're going through watching your dad, because I think this is real to like you are also connected emotionally to what you're feeling. Watching your dad go through his neurological health deteriorate Sherry ERATION, I was trying to come up with the words. And there's emotion in that too. It's you're not bypassing that sadness, the grief, the transition, the journey of that at the same time, you're nurturing those other parts. It's like all of it. So I wanted to acknowledge like how you're still at the same time walking through some pain and out loud, hearing yourself out loud through that.

Vasavi
Yes, I'm nurturing myself out loud through that. And I always want to make that clear, because spiritual bypassing has been this like hot, trendy topic. And when people see me and what I'm going through watching my father, who's my best friend in the entire world deteriorate, but I'm still out here marketing my programmes and selling and being on interviews. Listen, like I have pain in my heart thinking about my father. And my pain does not just one part of me. There are other parts of me that I source that I tap into that allow me to continue to function. When I need to have a good cry. I have a good cry. I cry at least once a day thinking about my father either first thing in the morning, I think of him and I start crying. Or when I go to bed at night, I cry myself to sleep, but I allow it to just move through me and I'm like, I just need to cry and I move on with my life. I love the way my sister handles her second child. Okay, I have a nephew. He feels deeply he's like He really does remind me of myself when I was a kid. And the way my sister works with my nephew is beautiful because you'll have this big emotion. Feel a deeply he's very different than the older one. But my sister will talk to him through it. Let him cry, give him the space to cry and the next thing you know he's off playing. He just needs a space and he keeps it moving. Next thing you know he's playing with his unicorns. He has 11 unicorns that he loves playing with Sylvia's one of his unicorn toys. Very cute. One minute, he'll be throwing a tantrum. And I don't even want to use the word tantrum. One minute, he'll be having a very raw human emotion and needing to feel it fully. It's a full body experience. My sister lets them cry. She pet She suits him. She goes, tell me what's going on. He just cried. She doesn't try to fix it. And then he keeps moving. And that's what I do with myself. We do not need to be stuck in anything. We got to learn to talk ourselves through it right? We do not have to live a life where we are emotionally constipated. Right? We can be regular with our emotions. If we tend to them and not run away every time we feel something that's overwhelming. Don't do that.

Kristen Boice
It's an the end of both. That's what I am. And you're showing that like I can do all that it's not just compartmentalised in

Vasavi
the highlight reel of my life and that's why on social I share stuff about my father, I share what I'm going through because I want to show my wholeness I want to show I'm a human being who is still learning her way around love and relationships, which I know you are excellent at helping people with. I'm also someone who is watching my father get old and stiff and not being able to form sentences. I'm also running a business, I'm also launching a book, like, I can hold space for all of it. Because I'm able to be with all of myself. I'm not compartmentalising I'm feeling all of it.

Kristen Boice
Exactly. And that's what I wanted to highlight, because it's very rare that you're gonna see someone be able to you're in the flow of the moment, and whatever comes up and out. You're metabolising it, you're allowing it, you're releasing word. That's the word crying as metabolising the pain, the sadness, the grief and allowing it to not be held in the body. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So you're just letting it out. And I love that about you. And what I've noticed is you're over the last couple of, I would say, maybe five or six months, you've allowed yourself to change your mind. You've allowed yourself more into what feels good for you. You've allowed and I know you're a therapist at heart, I mean, you're retired, we will.

Vasavi
But I will always be a therapist. I mean, you know this, I look at everything through a psychological lens, because I believe our life our current reality, how we feel starts with what we're telling ourselves, the dialogue that is controlling our every move what we're telling ourselves, and I just find it ironic because I was diagnosed with a mental illness 20 years ago, and I think I'm one of the best thinkers I've ever met. So screw all those labels, right? Like, we can be told all these things, and it's like, no, you're not gonna call me mentally ill, I'm gonna learn how to think, oh, yeah, you're

Kristen Boice
gonna use your mind. Does that label resonate anymore for you?

Vasavi
It resonates on a spiritual level. Let me explain myself. So when I first got the diagnosis of having bipolar disorder when I was 19, so 20 years ago, wow, first thing I did that night was doing a ball of cocaine, I got diagnosed me, my mom are in Manhattan, because I'm from New York, we went to a very bougie psychiatrist, he diagnosed me I remember, we were at Penn Station, and my mom got me a grilled cheese and a slice of cheesecake, it was very odd, but I was just hungry, and I was just emotionally distraught. And then I did an eight ball of cocaine that night with my friends. That's just how I dealt with the label. But then like, two days later, I went to the Barnes and Noble. And I remember reading a book called The Tao of bipolar disorder, I was so fascinated by it, because I really wanted to learn all about this illness, I want to know, okay, what do I have, I want to become an informed patient. And I remember reading in this book, that all Bipolar disorder is the constant push and pull and the conflict between your higher self or the God within you and the ego within you. Right? So it's just this so mania and depression, I was like, Screw this mania and depression, all this really is, is the higher consciousness, our higher self, and the God that lives within us. And the conflict between that and our ego, right, the wounded parts of ourselves that need to be healed. And so I looked at bipolar disorder as a duality, the duality within myself a conflict within myself, because that really is all it is. It's two poles, right? And it's just as duality and split between us. So what I've always done since that day is always ask myself, Is this bringing me farther apart from the truth of who I am? Or is it bringing me back to oneness within myself? So do I still relate to that label? Yes, and no, yes. Because Do I ever still have conflict within myself? Very rarely, I'm able to find that place of oneness. I feel very one with myself. But we're constantly given opportunities to see are you convicted in your truth. And so I'm always given opportunities to gauge where I'm at. But as far as like, I don't look at my bipolar disorder as something to be ashamed of. I'm very grateful for that label. I'm grateful for that label that I was given, because it forced me to work on my mind to understand how my mind talks to me to understand the amount of thoughts that I have at lightning speed. And instead of hating that part of myself starting to embrace that I'm one of the most creative, brilliant people that I know. And my mother did say this the other day, because I said to her, I love my bipolar disorder. It makes me brilliant and creative. My mother said to me, don't give that much credit to your diagnosis. God made you this way. And I love that she said that she wanted me to own my brilliance. She wanted me to own my creativity, rather than like, Oh, I'm creative, because I'm bipolar. She's like, No, you are creative, because you are creative. And so shout out to my mom for that because she's never treated me differently. Because I've had this label in fact, she's always expected more of me. She's never treated me like I was less than because I had a label. She always speaks to my internal power. And I love that about her.

Kristen Boice
Yeah. How did you feel when she said that to you? Is this recently it was literally

Vasavi
last week. Literally last week. A part of me got for initially I got triggered because I was like, you don't get me you don't get me at all. Of course. I'm like 712 years old in that moment. I was like, Yeah, but then when I really thought about what she was saying, what she was really saying was to like own your gifts. Don't you don't need to give credit to something else. That's always been my mom's biggest thing with me is like you don't take enough credit. You don't value yourself enough. You give Read to other people, places and things for who you are instead of owning it is inside of you. So what you didn't want was to be like, Oh, I'm smart because I have bipolar disorder. No, you're smart, because you're smart. God made you that way. And so just like really feeling and embodying like, Oh, this is last truth. She taught you a truth. Yeah. And I never appreciated that about my mother. But what I realised about her is and this is her own coping mechanism, she does not wallow in self pity. My mother, and I often wish she did sometimes I feel like it would make her a little bit more empathetic. But I love I mean, that was my dad's role. My dad was very much a walrus, he always coddled me as a kid, but my mother has always spoken to my power. She will not let me be a victim. And I appreciate that. Now, I didn't appreciate back then. But I appreciate that I have a woman in my life who has always spoken to the most powerful part of me always. Yeah, I tell her she could be my life coach, how funny is that? Really, and this is growth for us. Because

Kristen Boice
you guys have come far, haven't you?

Vasavi
We have come far. I mean, literally, when I was on the couch with her in Dallas, when I was just there, I just got on top of my mom, I just started giving her all these kisses. I mean, because I'm a lover, you know, when I just want to like breathe you and breathe. I just want I love you. I just want to smell every part of you. And I just sat on my mom and I just held her and she held me and I just started crying. And I said I just missed you. I just miss you. I owe the ability to be with my mother fully as she is. She still annoys out of me, Kristen. I'm not gonna act like Mother Teresa. My mother is still my mother. But I am so much kinder to myself and I have become the mother that I have needed. I don't expect anything from my mother anymore. Like

Kristen Boice
emotionally attached to any needing anything. Oh, like I

Vasavi
will still accept her motherly gifting, like you know she'll she'll give me money when she's like, here, I'm gonna give you some money. Okay, she'll make me Indian food, and I still accept it. But I don't need my mother to be a certain way with me anymore. For me to feel okay with myself. I want to be honest, like sometimes does it hurt? Of course. There is that part of me that little girl that wants her mother to be more soothing, but I can talk to her now. And now I know how to communicate with her. I can talk to her so it's still there. But it's that voice that little girl in me who's always expected Mom Stuff for mom, as you know me as an adult. It's gotten quieter because she feels safe with me. Now she doesn't need that from my mom. She knows Vasa V's here, you

Kristen Boice
take care of her. You're going to nurture you get it? You get this Yeah. Now let's say somebody that's really in shame and self critical and really struggles with nurturing themselves really struggles with talking lovingly, gently, kindly to the little girl or little boy or little solar, whatever pronoun you identify with. How did you get there?

Vasavi
I want to acknowledge first of all that it is so weird to be kind to yourself. It is so weird. It is so awkward. I want to just say that. It is like the way I talk to myself. I am like a perfect blend of my mom, dad and me. Right? My dad was always very gentle. My mom is a very firm, strong, determined woman. So even in my book that I'm writing, I talk about gentle determination, right? So I now have a very gentle, determined voice with my little girl. And I'm playful. That's me. That's Boston. My parents are not playful. I mean, my dad was but I'm very playful. So I'm very playful with my inner child. But I want to start off by saying you got to find your way of talking to you. My way of talking to me is going to be very different than your way of talking to you when my little girl is sad. I do say to her I can't believe actually saying this out loud. But I can admit it because I am the queen of saying it out loud. So my nickname and my family is Bachi but everyone calls me valachi No one calls me vasavi. So when she said I remember laying in foetal position in my bed crying about something and she was so sad. And I just said, Oh my god, sorry. I'm just getting used

Kristen Boice
to talk to myself. So you're on St. Where this is exactly. I mean, well, a it's very prideful, or

Vasavi
when I first started being kinder, like truly kinder to the little girl in me, it first sounded like weird for me, right? Because I wasn't used to being that kind to myself. I'm kind to everybody. I can be there with everyone. But I used to say to Laci, what's wrong, talk to me. Like it was almost like, hey, kitty, kitty, like, come here. And it's like, she would be crying. And I'm like, I promised you I'm not going to judge you tell me what's going on. And like, she didn't really have a voice in the beginning. I'm very sad to say my little girl just got really angry and would just have tantrums and like raging full of Rage Against the Machine moments, right? Or she would be devastated and crying hysterically. I couldn't get my little girl to speak because she was so in the emotion just emoting. Right. She just she had so much anger living in her body. She has so much grief and sadness and devastation living in her body. I had to teach her that she could talk to me, right? Like, why should that little girl inside of me trust me to talk to me when I have betrayed her over and over and over again? How dare I be so arrogant to think that my little girl feels comfortable enough to talk to me? Right so I have to bring her out of her shell and the way that I did that was consistently being kind with how I spoke to her. And that also, you know, shows up in our rituals in our routines in our habits. The more I started to listen to her and she started to come out a little bit like if I had nothing on my calendar, she'd be like, let's go play. Let's go be out in the sun. Okay, I got to listen to her. I have to listen to her. So I've had this weird relationship with my little girl. It's been, she used to drive me she used to control me, right. And so I'd be out splurging, partying, doing all these things do and Lord knows what at all hours of the night, this is back in the day, so she had full control over me. When I got sober, I really became vigilant. So I became this very harsh human being with myself and I needed to be vigilant, I needed to shut my inner girl child up and I was like, Stop, you got us into a lot of trouble, like look at us being naughty look at me in rehab. So I went from being extremely indiscipline, I think that's the word I want to use very undisciplined, and no boundaries with myself or with others, right, then I went, being extremely vigilant. And if you even go and watch some of my content, I'm like, angry and a lot of my stuff. If you go back, like two years, you'll see a lot of my delivery, I'm angry, you can tell I am this vigilant, like, I had to go there in my I have to be that way. That's how I coped in my recovery. Now I'm in a place where I feel really integrated. I'm like, we have fun. We got together, we talk to ourselves kindly. We have boundaries with ourselves, we listen to our body. Okay, great. So like, I went from here to here. And I know your audience can't see this. But I went from one polar one pole to the other pole. And then I had to find my way back into some sort of integrated middle. Does that make sense?

Kristen Boice
It makes perfect sense. I think that was your journey of getting to nurturing your little girl. Yeah, I've had the adolescent. Yes. So the adolescent was like, Come on, let's Screw it.

Vasavi
It was definitely the teenager needing to and by the way, this all happened. All of this was situational. This was in reaction to my divorce after I got divorced. So I had played the good Indian wife, I learned how to cook the food, I learned how to speak the language. I was very pious, and I prayed. And I did all this things. And I went to all the family functions. And after I got divorced, I went buck wild. I mean, I dated a guy who was eight years younger than me, I was making a lot of money in my business. I was using cocaine five days a week, like I was like, Oh, look at all of it. Like, it was like I was trying to be this adult, but I still had this teenager that needed to like express herself. She just didn't know how to do it in a healthy way. So that's just what happened. But I will say that when you first start to talk kindly to yourself, it can feel weird, it can feel fake, and it can feel foreign. And that's because it is foreign to you, you have not talked to yourself in a way that's kind. And so you got to find the way that works for you. And so when I work with my clients, my job is always let me model kindness, let me model gentle determination, I want you to have a model of what it's like to be heard. But to also know you're not being judged, because I think a lot of times the adults in our life have the best intentions. But they make us feel small, because of like, we don't trust them, right. And when you don't trust the person that's giving you the feedback or giving you the advice, of course everything can feel like a harsh attack. And so that's why you have to learn how to talk to yourself, and be kind to yourself. And so then when you're around other people, and people may say stuff to you that normally has triggered you in the past, but because you have such a close relationship with yourself, you stop taking things personally, you just stop taking things I just don't anymore. I just don't take things personally like I used to, because I have a better relationship with myself. And I know that so even if you Kristen say something to me, and maybe I don't like the tone of your voice. Let's just say the tone of your voice is harsh. In the past I would obsessively be like oh my god Did I do something just Kristen, not like me. Oh my, but now I can talk to that part of myself. That's paranoid and be like, listen, maybe she's had a bad day. Maybe that's just the way she is. It doesn't mean anything about you. vasavi we're good. I'm a very paranoid obsessive little girl in me was like, oh my god, am I bad?

Kristen Boice
Did I? Am I bad? Am I the good girl? Am I bad? That is the theme I see for people. Yeah, I like Q tip quit taking it personally.

Vasavi
Well, I love Okay, so I want to share an acronym Q tip is great way to quit taking it personally. That's great. I also love in my recovery every time if we felt like an urge or craving we would always halt. We would see if we were Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.

Kristen Boice
Yes, I love that one. Great. Well, for the listeners, they might have heard that before. A lot

Vasavi
of time our compulsive behaviours before we do that thing. We can just halt and say wait, am I hungry? Angry, Lonely or Tired? It's usually one of those four. I have to say,

Kristen Boice
oh, it's big and I see it my teen girls I'm like, Okay, you need to eat. Need to get some food.

Vasavi
That was my mom's solution to everything. If I was gonna say, are you hungry? Did you eat I'm like, okay, they're in starts the emotional eating.

Kristen Boice
Isn't that fat? If right? There you go. What are the three things that you do? To help you be able to self soothe and nurture the little girl inside like me, you say it out loud, which can't wait for the book to come out when I know when that's coming out.

Vasavi
Thank you spring 2023. I do talk out loud to myself when I'm feeling overwhelmed. As we talked about earlier in this interview, I have a lot on my plate. So when I know I have stuff back to back, and I'm like, when I have to plan my day out and I live by a calendar, I'll talk to myself out loud. So that's one of the things I'm like, Okay, boss, we gotta get the carwash. We got to do this. Okay, well, you know, we don't have to do this today. We can do this on Wednesday. So I map out and I keep myself sane, right, because you forget, I was diagnosed with a mental illness that basically says, You know what I mean, like you have all these thoughts, like I learned how to manage the thoughts in my head by saying it out loud. That's number one. Number two, I am very intentional about having fun, very intentional. Like every day, I need to do something that requires no brain power. I'll give you a perfect example. I know it may sound so unfun but right before our interview, Kristen, I needed to get a carwash. It was disgusting. I drive a nice car, I keep it clean. I always want it to be looking spotless. So I had about 40 minutes before this interview, and I love my car wash guys, they know me I've been going there for a year. They always have like fun treats. And they always have like cupcakes and they love going to places where I know people and I get to sit outside, right and I need to be outside I need to be outside in the sun. It's a beautiful day. So for me, it was fun for me to just take that time away, go get my car wash. I actually started my day with the walk with a friend and we like swam the swings. And then I went and got my carwash I was just talking to the guys there and like talking to the girl, they're listening to music. And for me, that's me listening to myself. I know it's not fun, but it's like I'm listening. Like I really like having a nice clean smelling car, right. And so I was like, we can go do this. Let's go do this. And we, you know, blasted our music has the sunroof. Like, I listened to myself when I want to do something I don't like make it happen. I just asked myself like, Can we do this? Do we have time to do this? Is this going to stress us out? And I was like, No, we'll be good. So I went and got my car washed one thing off my list. So I'm very good with my time. That's the second thing that I do is that I make a lot of time for fun and my work of course, but if you look at my calendar, I have a lot of white space in my calendar and I fill it in as I see fit with the things that matter most to me, but I'm very intentional about my fun time. My play dates, my socialising, like I started my day this morning at nine o'clock with a walk with an Instagram friend who has now become a real friend in real life and she lives down the street. So I'm very intentional about fun fun is not something that I feel like oh, I only get after I work. No fun is my currency. That is my ROI. That is my investment. I have to have fun pleasure sunshine every single day. So I'm intentional about that. The third thing I would say is if I don't want to do something, I don't do it. If it doesn't light me up. If I'm not excited about it. I don't do it, period. I just don't do it. I don't do it. I want to give you an example. I went to Dallas on Wednesday to see my mom, dad, sister nice. Everyone was there and we all got an Airbnb my sister's family. My sister got an air b&b And I stayed with my niece and nephew. It was great. I had a great time, my favourite aunt came into town as well. And she was like, please stay to Sunday, please stay till Sunday, okay, and it was just such pure love, like oh my god, that kind of love. I was like he can't say no to that. And so on Saturday, I woke up and I was going to stay till Sunday because I just didn't want her to feel rejected. My aunt loves me so much, right. But I woke up on Saturday, and I dropped my sister and my niece and nephew off at the airport. And I just felt empty because the kids left. They're so loving and I just felt heavy. And I just cried because of my dad. And so I got ready, I packed up the Airbnb, I went to my aunt and see my mom at the place that they're living. And I said to my aunt, I love you. But I'm gonna go home today. She goes, I understand. And so my point is this, I love you, and I will be there for you. But when I'm done, I'm done. And I listen to that. So that is the third thing. If I don't want to do something, I will not do it. But if I am there and I show up it is because I 100% want to be there I refuse to half ass anything in my life. So I say this to all my friends. If I'm not there, it's because I just can't I don't want to. But if I am there, I have want to be there. So that's that. I think a lot of times we ourselves do this, and we've had people in our lives that we don't really know how they really feel. And do you really want to be here? Do you really love me, I make no secret and letting you know like I want to be here if I am here. It's because I want to be here and I think we all need that consistency and that honesty and that truthfulness in our life. Like we need to know that like you're here because you want to be here like you're present because you want to be here so that's my third thing if I don't want to do it, I won't do it. My sanity and my peace and my self respect and my self worth is worth more any amount of money, any friendship, anything because at the end of the day, my relationship with myself is everything without me and vasavi there is nothing else so it matters more to me how I feel than anybody else. Because when I'm happy everyone around me will inevitably benefit

Kristen Boice
because the energy transfers right if I'm need that we're energy so that's the fee is rocking it today. Okay, where can people find you

Vasavi
people? Well, hopefully. I'm just Stop the present. You know what I mean? So it's like, you can find me on Instagram. My name is vasavi you can subscribe to my podcast say it out loud with vasavi you can go to my website, Bobby kumara.com. Feel free to you know, reach out DM me book a call do whatever, all the things I'm everywhere. Yay,

Kristen Boice
I am so glad you and I are probably in our cars talking to ourselves or at home. Because if you like or who you're talking to, I'm like I'm talking to myself. Yeah, even myself. Yeah, just rocks.

Vasavi
And the key is not just when you're sad. It's also when you're happy. Do you squash your own happiness? It's like that episode from friends when they said like stealing the thunder. Do you remember that? It was like when you're still. Like, I don't steal my own joy anymore. Like when I'm happy. I allow myself to feel happy. I have some pretty big things coming up in the future. Some good things that you'll also see about Kristen. And it's like, I've been telling everyone about it. Because I've refused to hide my joy. I deserve to be happy. I am worth all the joy. And I'm going to spread that to you. I'm not going to allow my ego to keep me small anymore. So here I am. And I want everyone to be the same way.

Kristen Boice
Yeah. Because the ego can block us from the flow. Yep. And that energy that you're wanting to create in your life. So yeah, I'm so excited for your book and say it out loud. I love the title. Like when you're like that's my title is like I love that title. That's how I live my life. So I love it. It was so resonant. So I'm so excited for you. And thank you for your heart, your energy and your soul for being here today. And let's keep the conversation going.

Vasavi
Thank you Kristen for having me on

Kristen Boice
things philosophy. Thank you so much for listening to the close the chapter podcast. My hope is that you took home some actionable steps, along with motivation, inspiration and hope for making sustainable change in your life. If you enjoyed this episode, click the subscribe button to be sure to get the updated episodes every week and share with a friend or a family member. For more information about how to get connected visit Kristen k r i s t e n d Boice boice.com. Thanks and have a great day.