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In this episode, Kristen talks about the anxiety and fear that is plaguing the world and how to tend to yourself during this difficult time.

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This information is being provided to you for educational and informational purposes only. It is being provided to you to educate you about ideas on stress management and as a self-help tool for your own use. It is not psychotherapy/counseling in any form.

Welcome to this week's Close The Chapter Podcast. Thank you for joining me, showing up being present, and your willingness to look at things in a different way. Today, we are going to be talking about the state of the union with mental health, I really want to have a candid conversation about it, and talk about anxiety. And fear that I see is plaguing

Our country, really the world and how we can work through it, but not just the world, but you individually, and how to tend to yourself during this time, this really difficult time of grief and loss and transitions and the roles you're playing as a parent, maybe in your job. So it's important that you're taking time for your mental health, to tend to yourself, because that's all we can do. We have no idea what will happen one minute from now, we can nurture ourselves through the hard times. So you want to listen to the whole episode. To take notes, get your journals out, if you're cleaning the house, if you're running errands, whatever working out whatever you're doing.

I am so glad you're here. I just cannot emphasise that enough that you're here. Because you want to grow, you want to evolve and good for you, I want to just encourage you in this. If you want to get the free healing guide, you can go to kristendboice.com forward slash free resources and it will be emailed to your inbox. And then you're on the list to find out the latest happenings. If I have any videos come out content, you'll be the first on that list. You can also join us on social at Instagram at Kristen D Boice. or Facebook and then Twitter. It's just Kristen Boice. And then we have a community on Facebook, close the chapter. And you can just search that on Facebook. So without further ado, let's jump into today's topic, I was really kind of praying over what to talk to you about and what I'm seeing with clients and just keeps coming up over and over and over. And it's anxiety. It's a palpable sense of feeling chronically exhausted by everything changing with COVID-19, with the divisiveness in this in the United States, and really around the world. And just this sense of feeling tired of it, feeling exhausted by it. And there's been so much grief and loss of what was and what now is that I thought let's talk about it. Let's process it. And what do I mean by process it, or naming it or naming our emotions around it.

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Our body sensations, our thoughts, the beliefs, which is some of our conditioning that we've had throughout our lifetime. And we are getting an out we're releasing it. And so that's what I mean by processing. And in order to work through trauma, which this is a collective trauma, because it has impacted our beliefs, it has impacted our nervous systems, it has impacted us emotionally. And if we don't start really telling, we're telling the truth about what's really going on inside of us. We will not experience the freedom, hope and possibilities that we're all looking for. Because when we look at somebody, and we only see what's on the outside, we have no idea what's going on on the inside.

And what you are experiencing on the inside matters, which you are carrying around matters. Because if we don't tend to them, we don't address them, you will pass this down generationally and anxiety is one of the most contagious
effects we can have that transfers to our children in that something I have to work on every day to manage. Because I didn't really name it as anxiety before I didn't name it as something that was taking over so to speak. my nervous system and after doing this work for 20 years, it's now that I now that I can name it's it's anxiety, fear of being late fear of what people think fear, rejection, fear of being scrutinised, fear of being judged fear of being misunderstood fear of what people think I mean, at the end of the day, we all have fears. And I want you to get a pen and paper out. And I want you to write out what are your fears, maybe your fear of dying, maybe you're afraid of losing a loved one. Maybe you're afraid of something bad happening because you've had so much trauma in your life. And that fear takes root, if we don't tend to it, and it grows. And what we want to do in today's episode is start naming what's going on on the inside. So we can do something about it. And as preparation for this episode, I pulled out some statistics, because I've been doing that as part of my research, to really acknowledge what's going on out there. When I mean out there, I mean, in the world we're living in, so you can be kinder to yourself, what we tend to do is get into shame, feeling like there's something wrong with us, we're defective, when in actuality, you're just a human dealing with what's going on in the world, which is hard. And we don't know what's going to happen day to day. I mean, it was an illusion, before that, we knew it was going to happen. But now, it feels magnified, because it's inviting us into doing this deeper work. And I promise you, if you do it, they're still going to be ups and downs. And yet, you'll be able to handle it through some of the coping strategies I'm going to teach you today.

So let's take a look at the statistics. According to the APA in 2019. Anxiety was hovering at about 8.6%. And adults in 2021, it's jumped to almost 37%. And adults. And this is based on surveys. And I think this is higher based on what I'm seeing. I and the other thing I want to jump in here with is people think anxiety is like they're shaking in the corner, they can't function they have panic attacks, while that can be a part of it. Anxiety lives in your body. Anxiety is lives in emotion, it's really rooted in fear, process trauma. And if we don't process it, what the nervous system does is it's living inside of us. It's body sensations. It's how intense does it feel we might be short of breath, we might get hot, we might get cold, we might feel small inside, we might feel heavy inside we there's so many emotions and so many ways to describe it.

But it lives in the nervous system. And what I mean by that is it lives in your body. And I can feel it in my stomach, I've done enough work that I can identify my tells when I'm in anxiety. But that's pretty dramatic change. Which makes sense, given we've been in a collective trauma and depression in 2019, was at about 7.5% in adults. And now we're seeing that about 31% and adults.

And I think that number is just getting higher. And I don't mean to be a doomsday, err, I'm more of a realist. And this is what I'm seeing. We are seeing a mental health crisis. And I remember the beginning of the pandemic, I called it with my team, I said, we're in the middle, this will be a mental health crisis, we're in the middle of history, where we don't, we aren't equipped to cope with being locked down in isolation where we're not equipped to work through our emotions, because we all have, every one of us has what I call inner child parts that are stuck, because we didn't get to process a process our thoughts, feelings, emotions in real time. And so that has led us into a mental health crisis. And we're seeing it especially in teens and college students. Because there are so many transitions in general for that age, think go float back to your teen years. You're trying to develop a sense of who you are. You're trying to figure out where you belong. Well, we've stopped and started so much of that. Plus we add social media into the mix. And this isn't to go on a social media tangent. However, we have to be realistic that that has made a significant impact into their mental health, comparing themselves to people on the internet, we had magazines
and that was also like that was a big thing. We are comparing our bodies and our, our what we wore and our sense of self to people in magazines. And now it's everywhere and it's consuming because they're on their device so much. So we're seeing an uptick. 53%. I've shared this before in girls in suicide ideation, 53% of girls, that's half of girls, teenage girls have thought about suicide.

Their brains are not fully developed until 25. So they don't have that rational prefrontal cortex fully developed. And if they have not had someone that they can name their emotions with, that they can process what they're feeling in real time, because we didn't know how to do that, I'm seeing a huge impact because of the the keeping it on the inside. And not because they don't know better. And even when parents try to ask them, there's a sense of being shut out and shut down. And the main thing that I encourage parents to do is, do your own inner child work?

We are and what does that mean? That means we have wounds, we have things that impacted us that we didn't get to process in real time a death of a parent a death of a loved one, maybe it was a pet, a divorce, that impacted you, maybe it was an alcoholic parent, maybe you were triangulated. And I have an episode on that, which was one of the number one episodes last year was triangulation, which is when you pull a third party into a dynamic that's really meant between the other two parties. And what we think we are, we're venting, but we're pulling that person in to kind of, quote unquote, take, take sides. And I see this with parents a lot and unhealthy family systems where they pull the child in the middle, they could pull the child in the middle of a parental dynamic or another child. So it's their sibling, and they're pulling the child into the mix. And what that does is it affects their mental health, because that's they're not fully developed, if we weren't looking at the developmental cycle to be able to handle being in an adult role. That's not their job. And I see this so much where child is put into caretaking other children in the home. And while that's fine to babysit, every now and again, it's another thing to fill in and be pseudo parent that stunts development because the child can't be a child, they have to be responsible. Now, there's something to be said about teaching accountability and responsibility versus putting them in a role. That is not meant for them. They're meant to be a child, which creates a lot of anxiety. And this is why I asked you as the listener, whom I'm so grateful for, did you have to be more responsible as a child because of neglect? emotional neglect, so maybe a parent didn't? They were doing the best they could they were working multiple jobs, or maybe they had trauma in their background, and you might not even know that there was trauma. And so they didn't have it to offer you emotional connection to check in and say, Honey, how are you doing? How are you feeling?

Is Is there anything you need to get out and process? They didn't have the tools and maybe there was abuse going on at the home? Maybe there was secrets that were in the family system, and maybe you got pulled into a secret.

And that takes a toll secrets or secrets are toxic. That's why I'm all about the true self. The truth shall set you free. And it's important that where we are naming reality in real time. Because if we don't we're going to end up with codependent behaviour, what's codependent behaviour that's someone that is looking to somebody else to say, Do you love me? Do you need me? Do you want me? Do you think I'm worthy, versus you feeling secure with who you are, and feeling enough and worthy and valuable? Not because of external validation, although that feels nice, because you feel that is true for you.

So when I have a couple come into my office, and they're looking to the partner, to make them feel loved and valuable and worthy, I will say I want you to offer that to yourself. And that looks like you saying, Oh honey, you're doing the best you can. I'm proud of you for making that change. You're saying that to yourself. The partner saying it to you is icing on the cake. And why is that such a craving? One we're human and we love to be understood seen because that helps us feel safe. It helps us feel safe in real time. And if we did not get that as a child which is the birthplace of a lot of anxiety trauma is it doesn't necessarily have to be in your childhood. Although even if there is a trauma later in life, I find a dad aligned to the childhood, not to blame our childhood to empower you to know yourself to deconstruct concepts and beliefs. And if you did not get acknowledgement, if you did not feel seen, if you did not feel safe or understood, you're craving it. Now, you're craving that as an adult, and you're seeking it out whether the seeking went from within. That's why I love the work I do or seeking it from within, and the relationships are just icing on the cake. Because if I don't do that work now of offering myself, that nurturing, that love that Grace, I'm dependent on someone else giving it to me.

And then when they don't give it to me, then I'm back in my shame going, why must not be lovable, I must not be worthy, they must not care about me, versus they got their own crap. They have their own childhood stuff. And they don't have it to offer because they didn't get it. while we can name things to our partner, we can't change someone else. So I can work with someone to help them give that to themselves. And why is this important, as we're talking about this mental health crisis, because of someone else has wounds and you're constantly looking to them to fill you up, you will not find the healing, because they might not have it to offer you, they might have it to give you and it especially is not your children's job to give it to you whether they're an adult, or a kid, it's not their job to make you feel lovable enough that you matter. Secure, Worthy, valuable needed. No, that's passing on. There's an invitation for you, then that's passing on generational trauma. And I have to work on this all the time. Because when my kids have pain, let's say hurt pain, fears, my inner child can get triggered because I want to rescue them from that pain, I want them to feel better, I want them to be okay. And I have to manage and self soothe my inner child that is identifying with their pain, instead of letting them process the pain. Because processing the painturns into power for them. It empowers them. Now, is it just like a magic wand? No. But I know for example, one of my kids, both of my kids really if they are getting their teens, so if they're getting feisty, or getting little bit honoree, it's, it's really because and I can tell you, because it's it's like, I'm watching it in real time, because there's something underneath that needs to be processed, and they may not even know what it is.

And once they process it, and that looks like naming what they feel, it looks like just getting it out. They feel better.
And they're less likely to carry that trauma moving forward. Because in real time we were able to process it and get it out. That's why I encourage people to journal. So you're processing it as close to real-time as you can the emotions you're having. You can go back and listen to the episodes on core emotions, body sensations, you're having beliefs about yourself, is really rooted in shame.

And thoughts like where did these thoughts come from, and you're able to process through it. And I have a trigger journal that I'm hopefully going to make into a journal that I use with clients. And it's powerful. We're working through the root. We're not we're working through the root of that anxiety. And how do we work through the root? I had them float back to a time where they felt similar.

So for example, if my my daughter's upset about whether she makes something or not. So if let's say it's a theatre thing, or theatre kids or sports, it doesn't matter. Let's say they're afraid they're not going to make something or afraid they're not going to place in a competition. I can say all I want that your worth of value doesn't come at all from how well you do in this. This is just a bonus. And if you don't do well, it doesn't matter but to them

It matters significantly. So I have to float back to my inner child. My point is, if they're afraid they're not going to make something, I have to float back to my inner child.

In remember me not making cheerleading, which I never made it, I went out every single year, never made it. But the idea, I thought I would feel if I was a cheerleader, I would belong, I would be liked, I would be somebody, I would be wanted, I would be admired. I mean, all the things that kids want, when they want to, typically when they want to belong to something. And what I know now is that wasn't meant for me, I had to go through that sense of, at the time, what felt like pain and rejection, and not being good enough to now recognising and 40 years later, recognising that that was the best thing for me.

But in the time, your kids aren't going to feel that. And so crying, which is what I did, oh did make it, I would cry. And then I'd had my little journal that I had, I would write about it in my journal. And that is a gift my mom gave me is the journal and write about it and get it out. And then I saw her do some of that too, which helped.
And then I would feel I would feel better. So then the next time I go out again, put myself through that same process all over again. And guess what, that helped me. Now it can get triggered. That inner child, part of me can feel that pain, again, of not making something and I have to nurture that inner child part of me, the 1112 year old part of me and say, It's okay, if she doesn't make it. It's, it's for the best in her that is that is protecting her from something I might not see now. And self soothing through that. So I don't project that anxiety, or my inner child feelings onto her. So I can be that. So I can acknowledge her feelings. And this is hard, I don't do it well, all the time.

And this is what it looks like for your own anxiety. If you don't have kids. This is the same process of dealing with your own inner child. It's how well do you feel? naming it? And so I have to float back. When I get triggered in real time to go, Okay, what is this bringing up for me? This is bringing up when I was you know, didn't make that cheerleading, which I've worked through that now. But I'm giving you an example. And it can be anything in your life. But you've got to float back to where the root of this started. And because it's probably not processed, you probably didn't get to name how that impacted you. And that's the other thing, how did it impact you? What did that do to you the belief about yourself, maybe you're stuck, and I'm never good enough. And then if we feel never good enough, we have to watch that we don't put that on our kids and want them to make us feel good enough. We're live vicariously through them. So you want them to be these high achievers because you weren't or you think then if they're high achievers, they're going to not experience shame, or judgement, and they're going to feel successful. Well, guess what? They're gonna have all those things, because that's part of being human. And when you recognise that they are going to have pain, they are going to have sadness, and are we going to like it? No, we have to meet them where they are. And so when parents say, Well, my kid doesn't connect with me. I'll say, Have you done this? Is this new material talking about emotions? Is this going to be awkward? Because you've never named anything before? Give yourself some grace and own it and say, I realise that I didn't name emotions, and I didn't talk about it with you. And now it might feel awkward. Is that true? Do you feel like it's awkward? Now? Name it. I am all about naming it out loud. It's like, you know, in family systems where we pretend like maybe dad isn't the drinker. And so we just act like there's this big white elephant and that's normal. And I'm about naming the white elephant.

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Naming the white elephant with love and grace. It doesn't mean the person's going to change. It means that that doesn't have the power because we are naming it what we don't name metastasizes in other ways, what we shove under the rug and push down metastasizes in other ways, and what are those other ways? We have physical illness, we have disconnected relationships because we're not being authentic, we're not telling truth. We can't have authentic deep connections without truth. It's just impossible. I've seen this with couples that aren't differentiated. And differentiation means in family systems, this is human development that you can have your own thoughts, feelings and opinions that are different than the family. You don't have to, in order to belong to the family. You don't have to go along with other family beliefs. You're allowed to kind of question things you're allowed to say, hey, that doesn't make sense to me. And I don't know about that. You're allowed to question things.

I believe that we are meant to question everything.

And many times have family systems that felt like a threat. If you question something, if you had your own thoughts, feelings and opinions that was threatening to the connection, or you're going to be some delinquent person, because of the parents fears that they couldn't tolerate the child sharing what's going on in the inside that might be different. And in our family system. I'm like, That's okay. Question. Everything is not a threat to me. I don't feel threatened by that. I feel like that's essential for human development. And if you're an adult now and never got to question things, and you've kind of just gone along with things, a lot of times you feel like it's a midlife crisis, or you don't you feel lost, which can create anxiety, you feel afraid to speak up. Because you didn't have a voice in your family system. So you just carry that same role of being the pleaser, the play cater the pretender, that the perfectionist that you went along with that, and now, I'm like, yeah, have a voice. Healthy family systems and healthy relationships allow you to have a voice and a healthy way, it's not been belittling or demeaning to somebody or condescending, that's a whole different podcast,

Unknown Speaker 27:04

it's safe, to have a voice, it's safe to share how you feel, even if it's not the same. And you can hold the space for someone else and tolerate that someone else might have a different opinion, opinion. It's not a threat to you. Now, if they're being condescending, rude, mean, disrespectful to you, that's when a boundaries that you communicate a boundary, what's okay, what's not okay. Or you walk away, or you say, we're going to put a pin in this and agree to disagree, and that's okay. You'll notice people's window of tolerance is very different for that. If you've done a lot of self work and you feel secure with who you are, you're going to be able to tolerate that difference.

So you'll see with anxiety, differentiation is important that you're able to voice what you're feeling, you're able to deconstruct it and go okay, where did this belief come from? Where did this fear originate? And then that's where therapy can come into play, if you if you can find a good therapist, with EMDR, eye movement, desensitisation, reprocessing, or brain spotting, or there's many forms, but those are the ones that I think are the most effective. There's other modalities that are also effective internal family systems to work on pre processing the route. The other thing that can be helpful is meditation, where we can observe our thoughts, but we are not our thoughts. So we can go, Oh, there's the eight year old part of me, she needs to be tended to, but I am not identified with the thought. So instead of saying, I am anxious, I might say I feel anxious, which is kind of mindfulness. Mindfulness is observing of thought. It's not attaching to the thought. And that can be very helpful to work through anxiety and reality checking. Is that true? asking Is that true? Sometimes our anxiety can't decipher that. And that's why writing out can be helpful. And the deep breathing that you know, I teach every episode, where we go in through our nose,

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out through our mouth.

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big belly breaths. Repeat.

Unknown Speaker 29:36

Five to six times an hour with feet on the floor to ground yourself can be very helpful. I was working with a client college student that was having a panic attack. And I taught her how to handle a panic attack and I'm going to share it with you because I'm finding more and more people are having what they call panic attack. A panic attack is when

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You cannot you feel like you can't breathe, you actually sometimes feel like you're having a heart attack you're not your nervous system has gone into hyper hyper arousal state. And you've you've shifted into the brainstem into fight flight freeze or fawn fawn is that people pleasing, placating defence strategy in these were all to develop to keep you safe from tigers to keep you safe from severe threat. And sometimes that arousal system can get kicked in, if we have unprocessed trauma,

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or something else going on, that can send us into the fire alarms going off. But yet, there's really nothing scary going on. And the first thing is, is is we we sometimes feel like we can't breathe. And so what I recommend is if you have something cold, put on the back of your neck, an ice cube, cold water, go to the sink, and take your hands under cold water, put them on the back of your neck, and connect with a feeling on the back of your neck.

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Or, you know, wherever you want to experience that kind of back into your body sensation. Then you can also put your hands on the back of your head, your feet on the floor, you can go outside and put your feet in the grass. Now I realise it's wintertime now, so you don't really want to get hypothermia. So you can go outside, put your hands and snow or just feel the coldness in your hands. Notice nature, or notice four to five things that you see in your surroundings. So you might say if you're outside, you might say okay, I see the big oak tree. I see the leaves, I see the tree trunk,

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the branches.

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I see the grass. So you're starting to slow that nervous system down and this can be done anywhere. The next thing you might do is notice what you hear. So I'm going to be listening for the sound. So I hear Robins chirping.

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I hear a squirrel scampering.

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I hear the water rippling.

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I hear people in the background weigh in the distance laughing. Maybe their kids playing outside.

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And I hear a cat meowing, I'm making this up. But you get the idea. I'm going through my senses.

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I might put a mint in my mouth.

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Where I'm tasting the mint, I'm noticing the texture of the mint. I'm noticing the flavour. I'm really connected to how that

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how that feels that sensory experience.

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And by that point, putting your feet on the floor, you're breathing, you're back into your body, you're back into the here and now the panic attack should subside and you can repeat as needed. So if you need to save this episode, and you just need to hear me walk you through that. Like grab some gum, grab something to a mint, I like mints. Or if you don't like mints, there's many different things you can you can use.

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A Raisin, mindfulness loves to use a raisin. And

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you can start calming the nervous system down. You can listen to a meditation of someone you can put on an anxiety meditation, there's lots out there on YouTube. And that helps you get back into your present, pack into the present moment. Because it's really rooted in fear. And what we want to do is say I'm okay, I'm okay. I can handle this. We're increasing our window of tolerance for whatever fear we have. That's why it's important to do that deeper work. So you're not spreading the fear to your children, your partner, those around you because it's so contagious. You have to take radical ownership of it and learn healthy ways to cope and manage it.

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And exercise is wonderful. So walking, if you have a pet, you can walk your pet or just walking outside or on a treadmill or riding your bike or whatever you're physically able to do whatever movement you're physically able to do. Yoga is wonderful. I have a client right now. And going through deep grief and yoga has been really helpful in working through some of that grief. Some people will train for a race like a marathon or not me but some other people run

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seems to be helpful. Pilates is great. So whatever works for you, that you find helpful to your body, make it a priority. If you've got anxiety, make it a priority, watch your caffeine and take

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caffeine makes your heart race chocolate, any kind of caffeine, lots of coffee, lots of teas, soda, and it can make you feel jittery. So I recommend tapering down caffeine if you're experiencing a lot of anxiety. And if it gets too, too hard, I know people with that, take medication that can help them access the strategies. And again, I'm not like pushing medication whatsoever, consult your doctor, I'm not playing a doctor, don't play one on TV, and consult your physician or psychiatrist. And that can be helpful sometimes to be able to

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have your nervous system be able to access the coping strategies, the healthy coping strategies on talking about consistently. And then you're calmer, you're less activated on the inside. Even though on the outside, you might look like you're calm, but on the inside, you're really not.

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That's okay. There's nothing wrong with you. You're doing what is best for you to show up as the best version of yourself and be able to cope with some of what's emotionally what you're experiencing.

Unknown Speaker 36:32

So it's okay and listen to things music can be really helpful to calm the nervous system, something soothing. I know, I was talking to a client, they're like I'm putting spa music on. I'm like, Yeah, I'm not gonna say, Alexa, I just did Alexa, play spa music, but something where there's more soothing in your nervous system. So that can be really helpful. And I really encourage you to not ignore it, not rationalise it, deny it, minimise it, compare it because we can get into competitive suffering. to just say, this is the reality of what I'm experiencing right now. And that's okay, when we give ourselves that permission. And we offer ourselves self compassion. It's so soothing to the nervous system, our bodies and our minds go. And we feel seen, we feel understood. And that's what we're wanting from other people. And sometimes they're not capable of offering us what we need because of their unmet needs.

Unknown Speaker 37:40

And so, as we kind of reflect on the one thing you want to work on, or the one strategy you're going to take away from this episode, what would that be?

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What is something that you're going to do differently? Because it's one thing to listen to a podcast. And you know, I'm all about implementation and taking action. So it's one thing to listen to the podcast, it's another thing to consistently, consistently show up

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and connect differently, what is that one thing, and it might be, I'm going to name my emotions, I'm going to name one of my core emotions, and we've kind of neuroscience Thank you has narrowed it down to seven core emotions, and they are anger, which also can be a secondary emotion and cover up. grief and sadness. Sadness is another one disgust, fear, which is what we're really talking about fear and sadness today. joy, excitement in sexual excitement. And when you can start naming your emotions, you can start tending to them,

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we can start accepting that we have emotions, and they're here to serve us, well, they are not a threat to us, are so afraid of getting stuck in our emotions. And what I'm here to tell people is like, you're not going to get stuck, they come and go, what you're stuck in is your resistance. You're stuck in your resistance to actually letting them come up and out because of your conditioning, you're afraid you're gonna get stuck in your emotion, you're not gonna be able to function or go to work. And then like, it's actually the opposite. When you can actually identify, move through and acknowledge what you're feeling, you're going to get to the other side of it.

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It might be a little bumpy, but you're going to get to the other side of it. I promise you that.

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This too shall pass. It's what we're not dealing with that as actually running you. It's what you've actually pushed down. And sometimes it's not even conscious, right? We have unconscious kind of repressed memory that is real with trauma. And it'll come out when it's meant to come out if there's something there. It's a willingness on your part to say you know what I'm willing to do face the pain and I can tolerate

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ate it because I have these healthy coping strategies. Is it easy? Absolutely. Not all the time? Is there freedom on the other side? 1,000%

Unknown Speaker 40:12

there's times where you're like, can we just go back unconscious? That's because we want reprieve from knowing what we know, sometimes, but the knowing is the empowerment part. When we take radical ownership for our own feelings, actions and behaviour, we change our lives. Because I know myself so well, so you could tell me something. And I'll know it's not true, because I'm doing that deeper work, to say, No, I think that might be your stuff. That might be a projection, which is someone else's stuff that they're kind of displacing onto you. Or maybe they're dysregulated with anger. And it's not really anger towards you. But it's anger towards a parent that they never were able to be angry at. And they're displacing it on you, well, I've done that work, and I can go, You know what, that doesn't feel like that's really directed to me, I am wondering if this is really about not being able to be angry at your mom, because it was unacceptable, to share how you really felt and this is triggering that same feeling of shame, you'll get the idea. But you see, sometimes we displace what's not processed under somebody else, unconsciously.

And so when you decide, and you have a willingness to process, emotion, tend to it and kind of really work through your beliefs and how you've got to that belief and the thoughts you have about yourself and hold it with such compassion and kindness to yourself, which is hard to do. Because that inner critic that protector part of us wants to protect us.

We actually start the healing process.

I'll be doing this for the rest of my life. This isn't like, Oh, I hit the finish line, and then I don't have anything else. No, it's not how it works. I got kids, they wake me up every single day to doing my own work. So I don't project onto them, which is every day rumbling for me. Because I don't want to put unrealistic expectations on them that they have to care, take me or don't leave me. Or you have to tell me everything or achieve or do well in all these sports, or whatever it is, because that's my stuff. Let's stop them. Let's get rid of all that achievement stuff. And let's let them develop in an appropriate manner, by them voicing who they are to us, by them sharing who they are, what they like, what they don't like, what they're struggling with. And let's give them full permission to do that. I can sell boundaries and give them full permission to be themselves. That's healthy.

And I want you to do the same thing for yourself. If you can't do it for them. If you're not doing it for yourself, bottom line point blank period will not be able to be unattached to the outcome without doing this work yourself. First, you've got to start with you. That's the whole point of today's episode, is if you've got anxiety, you're struggling with depression. It's okay.
Just start tending to it, start facing it. Don't shove it down. Don't rationalise it. Don't drink it away. Don't shop it away. Don't eat it away? Well, you can't because that's the misnomer. You can't do any of those things that won't help.

No shame in that we can just go oh, there's a younger part here that needs attention and give it attention. Nurture that part. I love you. I'm grateful for you. Thank you for listening. If this was helpful, or you know someone struggling with anxiety or panic attacks, again, this does not replace therapy. I'm I can't be your therapist. I can just help give you tools, coping strategies and suggestions based on my experience and walk alongside you and your journey. So if this was helpful, feel free to share it with somebody have a conversation about it process through it with each other. And as you know, big piano therapy. So thank you for listening. And I can't wait to be with you again next week. Have a good week.