Learning to Be on Your Own Side: What Self-Compassion Really Means
Most of us know how to show up for others when they’re hurting. We offer kind words. We soften our tone. We reassure. But when we’re the ones in pain—whether we’ve made a mistake, feel like we’re falling short, or are stuck in the fog of self-doubt—our inner dialogue often turns cold, critical, and sharp.
So here’s the question worth sitting with:
How do you treat yourself when you’re in pain?
Not once you've fixed it. Not when everything’s smoothed over. But right in the middle of the mess.
That’s what self-compassion is about.
The word compassion comes from the Latin meaning to suffer with. Self-compassion is how you respond to your own suffering.
Do you meet it with warmth and care or judgment and distance? And more importantly, can you begin to shift the way you show up for yourself, especially when things aren’t going well?
It’s Not Just About Being Nice
Self-compassion isn’t just about saying nice things to ourselves. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, it has three parts:
- Mindfulness – the ability to actually notice and name what’s happening, without getting overwhelmed or ignoring it.
- Common humanity – reminding ourselves that we’re not the only ones who struggle. Everyone feels like this sometimes.
- Kindness – talking to ourselves with warmth and understanding, instead of criticism.
And one of the things that often surprises people is that self-compassion isn’t just soft. There’s a fierce side, too.
The Fierce and the Tender
Tender self-compassion is the soothing kind. It’s what we offer ourselves when we need to be held. Try placing a hand on your heart, taking a breath, saying “It’s okay, I’m here.”
But sometimes, what we need isn’t soothing—it’s action. That’s the fierce side.
Fierce self-compassion is setting a boundary. Saying no. Leaving the situation. Speaking the truth. Standing up for yourself with clarity and courage.
And we need both. Because sometimes healing means softening. And sometimes it means taking a stand.
So self-compassion might sound like, “You’re doing your best. Let’s take a break.” Or it might sound like, “This isn’t working. It’s time to make a change.”
Both are valid. Both are loving.
“But What If I Don’t Even Like Myself?”
This comes up all the time. I’ve had so many clients say, “I don’t even like myself, let alone love myself. How am I supposed to be compassionate?”
And the answer might surprise you as liking yourself isn’t actually required.
Self-compassion isn’t based on judgment. It’s not about whether you think you’re a good person or a bad one. It’s not even about whether you love yourself or not. It’s about offering kindness to yourself because you’re human. Just like you would to anyone else who’s hurting.
You don’t need to pass a test to be worthy of compassion. You were born worthy.
So... How Do You Actually Start?
You start right where you are. Honestly, that’s the most compassionate place to begin.
If being kind to yourself feels unfamiliar or even impossible—try saying something simple and true, like:
“It’s really hard to be kind to myself right now.”
That alone is an act of self-compassion. You’re acknowledging your experience without judgment. And that kind of honesty is far more powerful than forcing something you don’t believe.
Then gently remind yourself. You’re not the only one who feels this way.
- “Other people feel this too.”
- “This is part of being human.”
From there, ask yourself what might feel supportive in this moment. Maybe it’s a slow breath. A softer inner tone. A hand over your heart. The words don’t need to be profound—just real.
- “I’m doing the best I can.”
- “I deserve some care too.”
- “It’s okay to feel this way.”
You don’t need to be fixed. You need to be cared for.
You don’t need to earn your own tenderness. You just need to let yourself have it.
You are allowed to struggle.
You are allowed to fall apart sometimes.
And you are still—always—worthy of compassion.
Right here. Right now. No perfection required. Just start where you are.
And if you forget? That’s okay, too.
That’s just another moment to begin again.
- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained
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This blog was inspired by Close the Chapter Podcast Episode 239 – Developing Fierce Self-Compassion with Dr. Kristin Neff.
🎧 Want to go deeper?
Watch or listen to the full conversation below.