What If Your Thoughts Aren’t Even Yours? How Introjection Shapes Who You Think You Are 

“I don’t even know who I am.”

If you’ve ever thought that, whether in therapy, to a friend, or quietly in your own head, I want you to know something – it’s okay. In fact, it’s more common than you think. And, it’s a powerful place to begin.

Because so many of us walk around carrying beliefs, patterns, and behaviors that were not truly ours. They were passed down. Taught. Implied. Ingested, sometimes without a word being said. That’s called introjection, and it impacts everything from how you feel about yourself to how you function in relationships.

What Is Introjection? (And Why It Matters)

Introjection is a psychological process where we unconsciously absorb the beliefs, emotions, and personality traits of others—especially caregivers, authority figures, or people we needed love and approval from. It often happens in childhood, when we’re still forming our sense of self.

Let me break it down. If your parent believed “emotions are weak,” you likely internalized that message – whether it was said out loud or just shown through actions and tone. If your family prioritized peace over truth, you probably learned to silence your voice to avoid conflict.

We do this to stay safe. To stay connected. But over time, those absorbed beliefs can feel like our own—until we start questioning them.

Signs You’re Living from an Introjected Belief

• You feel disconnected from your authentic self.
• You’re afraid to express your emotions or needs.
• You feel “bad” or “wrong” for disagreeing with people you love.
• You struggle with people-pleasing or self-criticism.
• You notice recurring patterns in your relationships (especially unhealthy ones). 

These signs aren’t proof that something’s wrong with you. They’re clues that you might be living from someone else’s values, not your own.

Introjection vs. Projection: What’s the Difference?

While projection is when we place our own feelings onto others (e.g., assuming someone is judging us when really, we’re judging ourselves), introjection is the opposite. It’s when we take on the feelings or beliefs of others and internalize them without conscious thought.

It often happens between children and parents, but it can also happen with teachers, coaches, spiritual leaders or anyone we looked to for guidance or safety.

How Introjections Affect Your Adult Relationships

Let’s say you grew up in a family that didn’t show affection. You learned that emotional expression = weakness. Fast forward to adulthood, and now you're in a relationship where your partner is craving emotional intimacy but you shut down or pull away.

That isn’t just a “you problem.” That’s an introjection showing up. And if you don’t examine where it came from, you may continue to repeat the same painful patterns.

This is something I see all the time in couples therapy—one partner with anxious attachment, the other with avoidant attachment, both reenacting the dynamics they learned from childhood.

The good news? You can unlearn it.

How to Identify Your Own Introjected Beliefs

Here’s where the self-awareness work begins. Grab a notebook or journal and explore these questions:

1. What belief just got triggered?
2. Where do I think this belief came from?
3. Does this feel like something I truly believe—or something I was taught to believe?
4. How does this belief show up in my body (tension, anxiety, etc.)?
5. Is it serving me now? Do I want to keep it?
6. If not, how do I want to rewrite it?

This is the heart of inner child work and reparenting—learning to examine what you’ve absorbed, and giving yourself permission to rewrite the narrative.

Introjection and Generational Trauma

A lot of the beliefs we carry didn’t start with us. They were passed down—generational trauma that we absorbed without even realizing it. Maybe your parent was emotionally unavailable because their parent was too. And so on.

Doing this work is about breaking those cycles.

You might be afraid to question what you were taught. You might worry, “Will my family still love me if I change?” That fear is valid. But as an adult, you have the power to decide what you want to believe. You don’t have to carry everything you were handed.

What Happens When You Start to Grow?

It’s normal to feel grief. Confusion. Even loneliness. Because when you grow, the system around you feels it. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It means you’re evolving.

You may have chosen a partner who matched your old belief system. And now that you’re waking up and doing the deeper work, you want something more—connection, truth and emotional safety.

That’s growth. And it’s okay to invite your partner (or family) into that journey. Share this blog with them. Start the conversation.

But know this: you don’t need anyone’s permission to heal.

Reclaiming Your Authentic Self

At the end of the day, this is about rediscovering you.

The you that isn’t performing, pleasing, or protecting.

The you that gets to feel, question, speak up, and choose.

So next time you're triggered, pause. Get curious. Ask yourself: Is this belief truly mine? Or was it someone else’s I never got to question?

That’s how we break the cycle. That’s how we reclaim our freedom.
And, that’s how we finally come home to ourselves.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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