A Big Factor Keeping You Stuck:
Are You Living in Fantasy or Reality?
Have you ever wondered, why do I still feel stuck even though I’m doing the work?
Do you feel like you’ve been patient, loving, understanding—maybe even bending over backwards—but nothing is actually changing?
Are you holding onto the hope that someone will finally “get it,” or that things will magically shift… if you just say the right thing, or wait a little longer?
There’s a big, often invisible factor that keeps people stuck in their relationships, in their healing, and in their growth. It’s this: you’re living in a fantasy instead of reality.
And let me be honest—this shows up with almost every single client I see. So if it’s showing up for you, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken. But it is something we need to look at, because you can’t heal what you won’t name.
The Quiet Movie You’re Playing in Your Mind
A lot of us don’t realize it, but we’re living out a movie in our heads. We’re holding onto a vision of who someone could be or used to be, and not paying attention to who they are right now.
You're hoping they’ll change if you just say it the right way. If you present it gently enough. If you stay quiet long enough. You’re hoping that somehow they’ll finally see what you’ve been saying all along. But they don’t. And that hope keeps you stuck.
What we’re doing is dropping hints. And let me tell you—people don’t respond to hints. They respond to clear, direct, and courageous communication. But you might be afraid. Afraid of hurting someone. Afraid of being rejected. Afraid of the fallout. So instead, you stay in the movie. And that movie? That fantasy? It becomes a trap.
Why It’s So Hard to Let Go
Let’s get underneath it. Many of us grew up in homes where emotions were suppressed or exploded. Where needs were unmet. Where love came with conditions or silence or shame. So we created ways to cope. We pleased. We performed. We perfected. We learned to read the room, to be what others needed so we didn’t get hurt or left or shamed.
And now, as adults, we bring those same strategies into our relationships. Into parenting. Into marriage. Into work. Into every corner of our lives. We keep trying to play the fantasy out. We think, “If I can just do it right this time, I’ll finally get what I needed all those years ago.”
But the truth is—you won’t. Because those unmet needs from childhood? They can’t be filled by your partner, your kids, your friends, or your coworkers. They have to be acknowledged, processed, and healed by you.
Let’s Talk About Parenting and Fantasy
One of the biggest fantasies I see is that children will fill the void. That they’ll make us feel needed. Loved. Whole. Important. Like we finally matter.
But here’s the reality: our children are not our emotional support systems. They’re not here to validate us or keep us company or take care of us when we’re older. That’s a heavy, unfair burden to put on a child.
They are their own sovereign beings, here to live their lives—not to make up for what we didn’t get growing up. And when we place that expectation on them, we create disconnection. We get disappointed. We feel abandoned all over again.
The truth is, they will leave. They should leave. That’s a sign of healthy development. And if that stirs up fear or sadness for you, it’s okay. That’s where the work is. That’s your healing calling.
Fantasy in Marriage and Relationships
Let’s get even more real. Maybe you’re in a marriage where you’ve been waiting. Waiting for your partner to wake up. To engage. To get into therapy. To want to grow. And every once in a while, they do just enough to keep the hope alive.
You tell yourself, “They’re just stressed.” “It’ll get better.” “They used to be so kind, so present.” And you hang onto that good memory like it’s a lifeline. But the reality is—they aren’t showing up that way now.
And I say this with love: reality is the only place healing can begin. If you keep clinging to what could be, you’ll stay stuck in what isn’t.
The Grief No One Talks About
Leaving the fantasy means grieving. And that’s why so many people avoid it.
You’re not just letting go of a person or a job or a dream. You’re letting go of the story you told yourself. The movie you wrote. The ending you were hoping for. And that hurts.
But when you grieve the fantasy, you make room for the truth. For clarity. For peace. For healing. You stop trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change, and you start choosing yourself.
What You Can Do Right Now
Start by telling the truth—to yourself.
Sit down with a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side, write down all the fantasies you’re holding onto. “If I just…” “Maybe someday…” “When they finally…” And on the other side, write the reality. The facts. The patterns. What’s actually happening.
This is not about shaming yourself. This is about getting clear. Because clarity gives you choices.
And from that place, you can start to breathe differently. Speak differently. Set boundaries. Choose differently.
You can get support—a therapist, a group, a trusted friend who’s doing this work too. You can read books like Homecoming by John Bradshaw. You can listen to podcasts that speak truth and compassion. You can join the Close the Chapter Facebook Group and surround yourself with people who won’t let you go back to sleep.
Healing Doesn’t Mean Perfection
This work isn’t linear. Some days you’ll feel strong and grounded. Other days you’ll want to crawl right back into the fantasy. That’s okay.
What matters is that you keep showing up. That you keep telling the truth. That you breathe through the fear. That you say to yourself, “I’m not going to abandon me anymore.”
You matter. You’re not too much. You’re not behind. You’re brave. You’re doing the work most people never even start.
- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained
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