The Fawn Response: Understanding People Pleasing, Codependency, and Your Healing Journey

Have you ever noticed yourself saying yes, when everything inside of you wanted to say no? Or keeping quiet about what you really think because you are afraid of conflict or rejection? If so, you may be caught in what is called the fawn response, a survival pattern rooted in trauma that shows up as people pleasing and codependency.

I see this every day in my counseling practice, in my own life, and in the lives of people I love. The fawn response is rarely talked about compared to fight, flight, or freeze. I want to take you deeper into understanding this pattern, how it develops, what it looks like, and how to begin healing so you can step into your worth, value, and freedom.

What Is the Fawn Response?

The fawn response is a trauma survival strategy where you learn to avoid conflict and stay safe by appeasing others. Instead of fighting back or running away, your nervous system chooses to please, smooth things over, and keep the peace.

Psychotherapist Pete Walker coined the term fawn response. It often develops in childhood, especially in homes where love felt conditional or where parents were emotionally unavailable, neglectful, or abusive. Children learn that protesting or expressing their truth is not safe, so they trade authenticity for acceptance.

Signs You Might Be in a Fawn Response

Here are common patterns I see in people who identify as fawners:

• You apologize constantly, even when you have done nothing wrong.
  
• Saying no feels scary, so you default to yes even when it costs you.
  
• You avoid conflict at all costs, even if it means abandoning yourself.
  
• You seek validation and reassurance to feel worthy.
  
• You shape shift to become who you think others want you to be.
  
• You feel depleted, resentful, or burned out and do not understand why.
  
• You take responsibility for other people’s emotions and reactions.

Children who learn to fawn often walk on eggshells around caregivers, taking care of a parent’s emotional needs in hopes of staying safe. As adults, the same pattern shows up in relationships, friendships, and workplaces.

Why the Fawn Response Keeps You Stuck

While fawning may have helped you survive childhood, it keeps you stuck as an adult.

• It disconnects you from your authentic self.
  
• It reinforces the belief that love must be earned.
  
• It creates unhealthy, one sided relationships.
  
• It can lead to anxiety, depression, chronic stress, and burnout.

Fawning may look like kindness or compassion on the surface, but it actually silences your truth and drains your energy. Over time, it leaves you feeling invisible, depleted, and disconnected from joy.

How to Begin Healing the Fawn Response

Healing begins with awareness. When you notice your fawning patterns, you create space to choose differently.

1. Pause and Ask Yourself

• Am I doing this to please someone else at my own expense?
  
• Does this action align with my values and truth?
  
• Am I abandoning myself right now?

2. Come Back to Your Body

Take slow, deep breaths. Feel your feet on the ground. Place a hand on your heart. These grounding practices help regulate your nervous system when fear of conflict rises.

3. Journal Your Truth

Journaling can help you reconnect with your voice. Try prompts like

• I feel___because of ____.
  
• What I wish I had said was…
  
• What you could never take from me is…

4. Practice Self-Validation

Say to yourself:

• It is okay for me to have my own feelings.
  
• Despite what others say, I know I am valuable.
  
• I am courageous for leaning into this discomfort.

5. Seek Support

Therapies like EMDR and IFS are powerful tools for trauma healing. Working with a therapist can help you reprocess the past, reconnect with your inner child, and learn to set healthy boundaries.

The Courage to Be Disliked

One of the hardest yet most freeing parts of healing the fawn response is learning to tolerate not being liked by everyone. For people pleasers, this can feel scary, but it is also where true freedom begins.

It takes courage to speak your truth, risk conflict, and show up as your authentic self. Some people may not understand, and that is okay. The relationships meant for you will honor who you really are.

You are inherently lovable, valuable, and worthy without having to prove it. The fawn response was a survival strategy, not a flaw. Now you have the chance to heal, return to yourself, and create connections rooted in truth.

I am so proud of you for reflecting, for being here, and for choosing your healing journey.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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