Author: Kristen

Parent-Child Relationship

Parent-Child Relationship | 9.06.2021

Do you ever feel like your partner is acting like your parent? Do you communicate to your partner like they are a child? Or, perhaps, you feel like the child in your relationship. Do you feel rebellious or, maybe, you want to take “control” of your partner? If this sounds like it fits, you probably have a parent-child dynamic playing out in your relationship. This is not something we may consciously think about, but when we pause and answer the questions, it starts to become clearer whether we fall into this type of communication pattern.  

This is a common relational pattern that seems to happen over time and can be passed down over generations. People begin to feel criticized, distant or resentful of their partner and how they are being talked to and treated. It’s important to stop and think about your relationship and how this dynamic started. Below are a few steps to take in order to begin changing the “roles” that have been created.

It’s important to look at our past to create understanding, not to get stuck, blame or dwell. It helps us to understand current choices, behaviors and patterns. 

  1. Look at your family-of-origin. This is a key piece to really explore and become curious about. It opens the door to really making sense out of your current and past relationships. There are several important questions to answer such as how did your parents and grandparents communicate? Did one person seem more parental of the other one by telling them what to do or how to be? What did you learn from their interactions or lack of communication?
  2. Explore relationship patterns. How do you communicate with friends, co-workers, other family members or neighbors? Is the pattern different in these relationships or similar? What were the roles and patterns in previous relationships? Did they play out the same way or different?  
  3. Work on yourself. One of the essential pieces to any change is to take ownership about how you have contributed to the issues in the relationship. Begin to look at the fear underneath the patterns. Are you afraid of rejection, abandonment, loss of freedom, not feeling good enough and so on. 
  4. Begin to change the way you communicate. If you do what you always have done, you will get the same results. Try to step outside your comfort zone and put yourself in the other persons’ shoes. Start by using “I” statements. For example, “I feel scared when you leave during a disagreement.”  Ask yourself if what the other person is saying makes sense from their perspective. This doesn’t mean you agree.

These are a few steps to take to begin the change process. It’s never too late to create the relationship you want! 

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Are You an Enabler?

Are You an Enabler? | 9.1.2021

Do you tend to make excuses for the behavior or choices of others? Do you want to rescue or save others? Do you want to help people and end up feeling exhausted? Are you working harder than the other person? Do you do things for others or stuff your feelings just to keep the peace? Do you rationalize or minimize other people’s choices or behavior in order to keep from being embarrassed? These are all key questions when exploring whether or not you are an enabler. 

What exactly does it mean to be an enabler? Enablers have good intentions of helping other people yet they provide solutions and fix things for others preventing them from suffering their own consequences. Ultimately, people never learn the lessons they need in order to make better choices and grow. Enablers end up doing the work for them and the person floats along without solving their problems.  

There is a big difference between enabling and equipping people. When we equip someone, we give the person the information or guidance and then let that person make their own decisions. We let go of the outcome and understand it is out of our control and the other person has to want to help themselves. 

We also let the person know they can handle it on their own. We understand we are doing a disservice to another if we try to save or rescue them. They have to want to help themselves. We model what it looks like to have good boundaries by saying “no” when necessary. There is an understanding that we are all responsible for our own decisions. We empower others to step into who they are and help them learn from every decision they make.

On the other hand, an enabler tends to want to save and rescue others. Enabling doesn’t allow the other person to make their own choices and understand the connection to the consequences. Many people have to learn from experience in order to not repeat the same mistakes. Enablers have a hard time seeing someone struggle and learn from their own choices. They take responsibility for others' choices and somehow feel responsible themselves. 

We can often see an enabling pattern with parents. The best job we can do as parents is equip our children so they can make the best choices. Let them learn from their own choices and understand the cause and effect between choices and consequences both positive and negative. Ask yourself, “Am I equipping or enabling them?” before taking action.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Healing Through Loss

Healing Through Loss | 8.24.2021

Have you ever experienced loss? How did it impact your life? How did you grieve?

Loss is an inevitable part of life, and grief is a natural part of the healing process. Loss can be many different things such as losing someone you love including pets, a job loss, the loss of health, infertility, or letting go of a long-held dream. People process loss and experience grief in many different ways. 

Elisabeth Kϋbler-Ross was the first to study loss and grief.  She developed the five stages of grief in her book, On Death and Dying. While it’s important to note that everyone moves through grief differently and there is no “right way” to grieve, these stages simply create an understanding and context when you or someone you know has dealt with loss. 

The first stage is denial, which serves as a buffer to shocking or difficult news.  The world may become meaningless and overwhelming. Life doesn’t seem to make sense. You are in a state of shock. 

The second stage is anger. Why is this happening to me? There are many other emotions under anger such as fear and, ultimately, the pain. 

The third stage is bargaining. This often looks like making a deal with God, asking “If I do this, will you take the loss away?”

The fourth stage is depression. The person may feel numb. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This stage often feels like it will last forever. 

The final stage is acceptance. It is about accepting reality about our loss and recognizing this new reality is the permanent reality. We may never fully like this reality; however, we eventually accept it. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs. We move, change, grow and evolve. We may invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. 

People often think of each stage lasting weeks or months. The stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.

Grief is sometimes compared to climbing a spiral staircase where things can look and feel like you are just going in circles, yet you are actually making progress. Being patient with the process and allowing yourself to have a range of feelings about the loss can help. 

Everyone has their own way of coping with painful experiences. The list below may help you with ideas about how to manage your feelings of grief. 

  • Talk to family or friends
  • Let yourself feel your emotions
  • Seek spiritual support
  • Read books

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Managing Our Triggers

Managing Our Triggers | 8.10.2021

What are your triggers? Have you ever responded with anger by yelling or being short with someone and then feel terrible or guilty because you have no idea what just happened? If so, chances are you were triggered by something. 

We all have stressors in our lives. What turns a stressor into a trigger is the level of your reaction. When you overreact to something or someone, it is generally because of an internal trigger. They are created by emotional events in your past that have meaning to you and are often subconscious.  

Our brain stores circumstances we have lived through, which become our stories. It also stores lessons learned, which are our beliefs, and it applies meaning to circumstances, which create our feelings. Then, when something happens in the present moment that feels similar to the past event, it’s overwhelming. Our brain sends a cascade of chemicals throughout our body creating a fight or flight reaction. 

As long as you are unaware you are being triggered, your responses remain outside your conscious control and may result in damaged relationships or lost jobs.

The good news is once you become aware of your hot buttons or triggers then you are able to understand and shift to create a different response. It’s important to note when you are hungry, angry, lonely, tired, bored or scared, you are more vulnerable to being triggered. 

Here are some helpful steps to manage your triggers:

  • Identify and notice your triggers: Identify and write down a list of people, things and events that bring about a deep emotional response within you.  If we have a certain level of awareness, we will then notice a change in our body somewhere. For example, we might have some tightness in the chest, lump in the throat, stir in the stomach, sweaty palms or racing heart. Our bodies can be the first signal or communication that we are being triggered. We might not like what we are hearing, seeing or experiencing. 
  • Pause and breathe: Once you recognize you are getting triggered, take the opportunity to pause and simply breathe. This gives you some separation from the trigger and allows you to recognize it and not immediately react. 
  • Explore the trigger: When you have time, sit down and ask yourself some key questions like the following:
    • What exactly started the trigger (words, actions, experience, smell, tone of voice)?
    • What is it about that situation or person that triggers me?
    • What is my story about it?
    • Have I ever been triggered by this or something similar in the past?
    • Where might the pattern come from?

So, the next time you overreact, stop, breathe and become aware of your triggers.  You can work through and conquer them.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Final Step to Healing

Final Step to Healing | 7.19.2021

Is there someone you need to forgive? Maybe you need to forgive yourself, a family member, friend, neighbor or even an abuser. Forgiveness does not mean you condone their choices or agree with their actions. It doesn’t mean you will forget what happened. 

Many people think if they forgive someone, it makes what they did okay or somehow they are agreeing with what was done to them. Forgiveness really is about taking back your power, letting go of the pain and hurt, and living a life with more peace, joy and happiness.

Forgiveness is a process – a journey. For certain people and circumstances, it happens fairly quickly, while others may take years to move on. If we hold onto the hurt, anger, bitterness and resentment over years, it begins to take a toll on our bodies, mind and spirit and our relationships. It becomes the block to connection to others and ourselves. 

I really love this quote from Catherine Ponder, “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” This really sums up what forgiveness can do for your life.

How do you begin the healing process? Below are a few steps that may help you move closer to forgiving. 

  1. Recognize and own your feelings. How does it feel to hold onto the feelings that come with not forgiving? How have these served you in your life? As you recognize your feelings, the healing process can begin.
  2. Look at how lack of forgiveness has impacted your personal and professional relationships. How has this affected your ability to trust and connect with others? Have you been the victim and now want to take back your power? Have you allowed the past to determine your future? 
  3. Focus on what’s in it for you. Remind yourself that forgiving can free you to move on with your life and set you free. Tell yourself that the point is to reduce angst.  
  4. Turn the details of your story around. Victims don’t have control of their lives yet heroes do. So make yourself the hero of your own saga. Another way to think of this is that although someone may have precipitated your misery, whether or not you stay miserable is entirely up to you.
  5. Write a letter to the person you feel harmed or hurt you and then let it go. You can either burn it or send it. It can be the final step to letting go. 

Lewis B. Smedes said, “You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.” This is the ultimate goal of forgiveness.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Give Back and Change Your Life

Give Back & Change Your Life  | 07.06.2021

When you are sad, down or feel depressed, how do you handle it? Do you sit and dwell in it or simply feel like a victim of your circumstances? Do you cry and get it out? Do you do something for someone else? Or, perhaps, you do a little of everything. 

One of the most powerful and helpful ways to move through pain, hurt, sorrow or sadness and shift, is to first let yourself move through your feelings and then do something to help someone else. Focusing on someone else helps you put things in perspective and turns your pain into gain not only for you but for others. 

Many research studies have proven that helping others regularly is essential to bettering your well-being, moderating mood swings and boosting your immune system.

Volunteering or giving back doesn’t have to be something “big” or overwhelming. It can be as simple as a smile, hug, calling a friend that you just thought about, sending a card to someone going through a difficult time or really listening and being with someone in need. You might feel called to volunteer at a soup kitchen, focus on recycling, offer to mow your neighbor’s grass or start a new community project.  What you do doesn’t matter as long as you feel like you are contributing by helping others.

Maybe you’ve had an idea or a way you have wanted to make a difference yet you never felt you had the time or didn’t make the time. This could be just the perfect opportunity to make a difference while turning your hurt into greater good. 

I have always loved the “pay it forward” concept. “You don’t need much to change the world for the better. You can start with most ordinary ingredients. You can start with the world you’ve got.” This quote is from the 2000 movie, Pay It Forward. 

Have you ever purchased coffee or gone through a drive thru and the person in front of you paid your bill? It’s a meaningful way for your contribution to spread wings and stretch further. It’s about paying it forward.

Everyone experiences life’s peaks and valleys.  The way we choose to handle these ups and downs is what really matters. Focusing on others during your next down moment can help make the world a better place and might possibly be the best way for you to move out of that valley and into the next happy time in your life. So, think about how you can pay it forward today.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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What Are You Stuffing?

What Are You Stuffing? | 6.29.2021

Do you communicate how you feel or what might be upsetting or bothering you? Or, do you keep it inside and stuff it until you blow up with anger, feel depressed or highly anxious?  Are you the type of person that tries to let things roll off your back? Do you think to yourself, “Just get over it. The situation isn’t that bad. People don’t want to hear about my problems?” Maybe you think you are talking about how you feel yet when you stop and think about it, you really aren’t. 

It’s extremely important to communicate how you feel to safe people. Why it is important? Because if we keep things bottled up inside, they manifest in other ways such as physical issues like high blood pressure, headaches or stomachaches. If we stuff our emotions and then blow up in a fit of rage, it often causes major issues in relationships. It may lead to ending a relationship causing major emotional pain and distress. 

You may have learned a pattern at a very early in your childhood to not express your emotions because if you did, then there was a “price” to pay. Therefore, you learned to stuff how you felt about things. It is common to have developed this pattern growing up. If you want to change this pattern, it is completely possible to work through. It begins with a desire and willingness to look at you.

Below are a few suggestions to work on creating a healthy way of dealing with your emotions. 

  1. Take a deep breath and notice what how your body feels. Our bodies store emotions. They tell us something is not in alignment. Notice where you hurt (e.g., headache, stomachache, back ache). 
  2. Identify what you are feeling. Some people aren’t even sure how to know what they are feeling. Start with trying to identify the basic emotions such as happy, sad, mad and then branch out into guilty, shame, fear, etc. 
  3. Communicate it. I recommend using this structure to get started. “I feel sad (or whatever feeling you are experiencing) when you (fill in the blank) because I need or want (communicate what you need).” 
  4. Figure out your fear underneath your feelings. I believe we operate from a place of either fear or love. Try and identify what you are afraid of and communicate your fear. This can help make sense of what is really going on underneath your feelings. 

You can break the cycle and change the pattern by looking within for the answers and then sharing how you feel with someone safe.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Exploring Your Past to Live in the Present

Exploring Your Past to Live in the Present
| 6.15.2021

What was it like growing up in your family? What did you learn about yourself and how to relate to others? How has it impacted the decisions you make today? What were some defining moments?

In order to create understanding into who you are and why you make certain choices, it’s important to look at your family of origin. This refers to the significant caretakers and siblings that you grow up with, or the first social group you belong to, which often is your family.

Our early experiences have a major influence on how we see ourselves, others and the world and how we cope and function in our daily lives. They heavily influence our key choices such as selecting a partner, how you parent and in our personal and professional relationships.

Sometimes you have to go backwards in order to go forward. Many people don’t want to look at the past because they want to forget it, they don’t think it really matters or they don’t want to be victims of the past. It’s not to get stuck, blame, dwell or be a victim of the past, rather it’s to create understanding and awareness about you and why you think and act the way you do.

Anxiety, depression, anger, fear and recurrent relationship problems are often tied to unresolved or unconscious issues from the past. Our family taught us how to interact and communicate, how to manage our emotions and meet our needs. Most of our values, beliefs and our sense of self originate from our parents or primary caregivers.

Once we have awareness and become conscious of our choices, we can make changes that can lead to more clarity, happiness and peace.

Here are some helpful suggestions to get you started:

Create a timeline. List all the significant events and circumstances that have happened in your life. Think about things that had a major impact on who you are such as moves, parental separation, accidents, traumas, deaths, key relationships, etc.

Journal about key memories and experiences that come up for you when thinking about your childhood.

Talk with a safe person that can help you process, explore and work through your early experiences.

Remember, no family is perfect. We do the best we can with what we know. This process takes time; however, it is valuable in facing and overcoming fears and changing unhealthy relationship patterns. It helps you achieve deeper understanding and peace so you can move forward.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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Confrontation: Love or Hate It?

Confrontation: Love or Hate It?

How do you feel about confronting others or maybe confronting your own issues? Do you tend to run away from confrontation and avoid conflict? If you do tend to shy away from conflict, what is your fear about it? Or, do you hit it head on and move towards it? How does it impact your relationships? It’s important to take a look and really dig deep on how you deal with difficult feelings and issues. 

The word “confrontation” brings up many different meanings, often people associate being “confrontive” as negative. I encourage you to look at it differently, and to look at it in terms of exploring how you face issues in your life. Do you tend to run away from stuff or ignore them? Or, do you acknowledge and work through them? How do you deal with your feelings? Do you express or suppress them? 

Why is this important? If you don’t deal directly with issues, feelings or challenges in your life, then they can manifest in different ways such as depression, anxiety, fear or physical illness. Sometimes people just feel stuck. Maybe it’s because there is something from the past or present to confront, deal with head on and, ultimately, move on. The payoff is you gain more peace about the situation and, most importantly, yourself. 

We are all human beings with feelings and experiences. There is no such thing as a perfect person or relationship. Everyone has something that triggers or upsets them. In order to gain a sense of self, it’s important to begin dealing with your feelings and confront issues in your life. Below are a few ways to begin confronting yourself or someone else. 

  1. Acknowledge your feelings and possible areas for improvement. We can all grow, learn and become a better version of ourselves. In order to do this, we must take a look at what it is we want to confront and work to improve it.  We don’t want to dwell, blame or get stuck in the past, but to explore it and create understanding and insight. 
  2. Take responsibility for your part. Look at the parts of the situation you can own. Is it all your issue or just certain parts? Don’t take on issues that don’t belong to you. It might be someone else’s issue and not yours to own. 
  3. Communicate how you feel. It’s so important we share how we feel by using “I” statements such as “I feel sad when you don’t return my calls for days.” Telling someone how you feel is not about them, it’s about you. Let go of the expectations of others and say what you need to say. It’s about your own healing.

 

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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The Value of Validation

The Value of Validation

It’s a basic human need to want to feel significant, safe, important, understood and valued. We want to be and feel heard. It’s important to use this with your partner, children, friends, family and any other relationships in your life.

First, let’s understand what validation means. It’s accepting someone’s feelings. It is to really understand where they are coming from. When we validate someone, we acknowledge and accept their uniqueness and individuality. A big misconception is to think that if we validate someone, then they are going to think we completely agree with them. This is not true. It simply means I get you. I understand what you are feeling and saying. Invalidation is the opposite. It comes from a place of being right and judgment. The person doesn’t feel close and connected to you. They feel shutdown and disconnected.

It starts first with hearing and validating others. Often, we don’t learn this growing up, yet we have a need to experience to feel heard and validated. The good news is it’s a skill we can learn. If there is conflict, it can be because walls of invalidation have been built. Ultimately, validation allows someone to feel safe and encouraged to express their feelings. It will build stronger and deeper connections. 

Below are some steps to begin using validation immediately.

  1. Work on your own judgments and feelings. Work through your own hurt and pain. Perhaps, this is in the way of really connecting with others. Be in an accepting and open space.
  2. Listen with your eyes, ears and body. Face the person and make eye contact. Notice your body language and if you are open to really hearing them. Be present with them. No texting, using your computer or doing something else while you are with them. Allow the person to safely share their thoughts and feelings without judgment or blame. 
  3. Mirror back what you heard. For example, “What I heard you say is…” You are repeating or paraphrasing what you heard. You will notice someone nodding or saying, “Yes. Exactly.” They are feeling heard. This shows them we care and are in tune with them.
  4. Use short phrases to show you understand. For instance, you might say any of these statements, “I can understand how you feel. It sounds like you are really feeling _____. It sounds like ____is really important to you. It makes sense how you feel.”
  5. Don’t give advice. Most of us truly want to help others. We don’t know how to help. We start giving advice, as our parents did us. If you just validate someone, they are able to work out their own emotional issues faster than giving them advice.

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

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