Author: Kristen

Is Your Past Really In The Past?

blog image 10.19

Is your past really in the past?

Do you wish your past didn’t impact you today? Do you wish you could forget about it? Do you find yourself triggered or upset over what seem to be little things? Do you find your anger out of control? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, more than likely, your past experiences are playing a role in how you feel about yourself, how you interact in relationships, and how you manage your stress. 

The past does impact how we show up in relationships. As much as we don’t want this to be true, it’s true. The more we try to numb our feelings, push them down, or try to put them in a compartment, the more we are going to feel out-of-control. 

Is it hard dealing with feelings from the past? Yes. Working through the past to get to the other side, leads to a more content, healthy, and fulfilling life. Wouldn’t it be great to work through the past so it’s not running on your hard drive when you don’t want it to?  

Below are some key steps to begin the process towards healing and living the life you want. 

    1. Don’t deny. We don’t want the past to have power over us. By not dealing with it, that is exactly the role it plays – a powerful one. Processing through the hurt, pain, and fear will lead to freedom, having a voice, and getting your power back.
    2. Get curious. Notice what you feel and why you feel it. Peel back the layers to get what is underneath and driving your behavior. Get real with yourself. 
    3. Write it out. Start writing out what you are thinking, feeling, and any patterns you are noticing. 
    4. Build a strong support system. Reach out and ask for help. This may be a counselor, pastor, friend or joining a support group. 
    5. Take action now. Commit to taking care of you today!

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

Step Into Your Greatness

blog image

Step Into Your Greatness

Do you ever feel like you can’t get out of your head? Your mind is filled with the same thoughts that play over and over. Do you worry and have a lot of anxiety? Are you operating out of fear? Are these blocks stopping you from stepping into your worth? 

When we start waking up to our inner self, we can start changing it. Awareness is the first step to making change. Below are some immediate steps you can take to begin shifting your self-worth and stepping into your greatness.

  1. Change your thoughts. Your thoughts determine your feelings and your feelings determine your behavior. It’s important we work on changing our thoughts. When you are fearful or anxious, focus on being grateful. It can be as simple as being thankful for the ability to see or hear or observing nature and noticing what you appreciate. An attitude of gratitude can instantly change your mood. Keep a gratitude journal and write it in to start and end your day. 
  2. Do something different. Have you heard the saying, “What you resist will persist?” Are you in resistance to something in your life such as change because you are afraid of pain, getting hurt, or failing? If so, you are going to stay stuck in the same pattern and way of thinking and being. If you do the same thing, you will get the same results. For example, when you feel angry or afraid, instead of yelling, screaming, or withdrawing, take a walk and be intentional about it. So, if you want more peace or joy, focus on getting more of these. 
  3. Try on different ways of being.  If you want more joy in your life, try stepping into joyfulness. Walk around as if you are joyful. If you want to be more flexible, try being flexible in different situations. We are all born these pure souls and then we are layered with childhood stuff, trauma, society, peer pressure and so on. We want to get back to who we are at the core. 
  4. Develop a vision. We think in pictures. Picture the vision for your life and how you want to be or act. Having a vision can lead you to change your thoughts, feelings, and to take action!

You are here for a purpose! It’s never too late to get rid of the old negative tapes that started early in your life and be the person you were created to be! 

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

What Brings You Happiness?

blog image

What brings you happiness?

What does happiness mean to you? Does it mean peace, loving and accepting yourself, stepping into your worth or something else? Stop and really think about the question. Figuring this out can be extremely powerful and life changing. 

Is happiness about achievements, stuff, money, beauty, or how many likes you have on your Facebook status updates? Maybe it is about helping others, growing, learning, giving back, living out your purpose, feeling good about who you are, making a contribution and difference in the world by showing up and being you, or living with intention. 

We live in a society that encourages us to buy into materialism, beauty, wealth, fame, moving to the top, and how many friends you have on Facebook. We think this is the way to happiness. We think this will bring us happiness, worth, and importance.  Ultimately, we end up in a black hole because it never is enough. We end up not feeling important, good enough, or adequate. There are many people that have what appears to be it all yet they are miserable. 

Here are a few suggestions when reflecting on the topic of happiness. 

  1. Explore your vision for happiness. What would happiness look like? Would it be more about self-acceptance, forgiveness, letting go, and having more inner peace? Would it be living out your purpose? 
  2. Surround yourself with people that are encouraging. It is important that we have some cheerleaders in our lives that mirror back to us our worth for simply being who we are. When we look at a baby, they are pure souls with no layers. We are all inherently worthy. We just may not believe it based on our past. 
  3. Get vulnerable with safe people. It is essential to be able to stand in our power and speak our truth with love and grace. Connection comes from opening up and really sharing who we are with others. It is the heartbeat to joy. 
  4. Be a giver, not a taker. There are people that give from their heart and there are people that suck energy out of a room. Show up and give. It is a life changer! 

Change your thoughts. If you feel like you are unworthy, notice what you are telling yourself. It probably comes from the past. When we work on changing how we see ourselves, we gain more self-acceptance and greater peace.

 

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community or check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

Judgment

Untitled design (1)

The big “J”: Judgment

Why do we all judge ourselves and others? Do you feel like your own worst critic? Do you find yourself being critical and judgmental of those around you? It plays such a large role in our society and has an impact on how we see ourselves. It can keep us stuck in our stuff and closed off to others. 

We all judge to one degree or another. Many people have a deep fear of being judged because of the pain and rejection that can come along with it. For example, you may not speak up because of the fear of what people will think and that sense of not being good enough so you hide in order to not have to face the judgment. If we give it power, the feeling of being judged can create a sense of low self-worth and insignificance. 

Typically what we judge in another is what we don’t like about ourselves. I love the saying, “Judgment doesn’t define who they are it defines who you are.” How would the world look if we judged less and loved more? 

There are a few key areas to explore when it comes to judgment. It might be helpful to write down your answers to these questions or journal.

  1. What is your first memory of experiencing judgment? Often people can pull up their first memory of feeling judged. It might have been in school or at home. It often becomes a tape that plays in your mind for years and years later. It becomes a way to beat ourselves up. 
  2.  Who and what do you judge? Yourself, your spouse, other parents, neighbors, friends, co-workers, family members, etc. Dig deep to try and figure out what is it about the other person or yourself that really gets under your skin.
  3. What purpose does judgment play in your life? Do you feel better or worse when you are judging?

 

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community or check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

Turning Inner Struggle Into Inner Peace

6.3 blog image

Turning Inner Struggle Into Inner Peace

Do you feel unworthy, unloved, unimportant, or not good enough? Do you remember when you started to feel this way? Most likely, it started some time ago. We may deny, cover-up, or stuff how we feel. The power comes when we stop and decide to deal with how we feel about ourselves. As a result, life shifts and we become more content with yourself, which includes our imperfections.  We stop looking outside of ourselves for worthiness and acceptance. It truly begins within. 

Everyone has something they struggle with inside because we are human beings. It may appear that others have it all together. We don’t know what struggles they might have or what happens behind closed doors. They may be hiding, covering up, or in denial about what they are really feeling or it is too scary to share it with others. 

We often live in fear of really being who we are because we are afraid of getting hurt or may have a fear of abandonment or rejection.  We want to have a sense of belonging and acceptance. 

Below are a few steps to take to begin stepping into your worth and taking charge of how you see yourself. 

  1. Make working on you a priority. Working on stepping into your worthiness and value has to come from your desire to want to do the self-work, which includes working on the mind, body, and spirit. The desire has to come from within. We can’t change others and they can’t change us.
  2. Don’t give up. This isn’t an easy process. It is hard work yet it’s the most powerful and transformational work you will do. It is rewarding and life changing. Build a healthy and safe support team. 
  3. Stop beating yourself up. It begins by working on changing your thoughts. Ask yourself, “Is this helping me to feel better?” We tend to be our own worst critics. This only keeps us stuck in the same patterns. 
  4. Give yourself grace. It’s important we reflect on our patterns and choices, learn the lesson, and then let it go. It doesn’t help for us to have it play as a tape over and over. This just keeps us from growing and moving forward. 

Feed your spirit. It’s important you take time daily to work on feeding your spirit. Read an inspirational or motivational book or write out your favorite quotes or sayings on notecards and keep them with you as reminders that you are enough and worth it!

 

 

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community!

Are You Stuck in Your Anger?

6.1 blog image (1)

Are You Stuck in Your Anger?

We can all relate to getting angry. Anger is a normal human emotion.  It is often triggered by a sense of endangerment by an outright physical threat or by a threat to our self-esteem or dignity.  Common triggers for anger include “being treated unjustly or rudely, being insulted or demeaned, and being frustrated in pursuing an important goal.” (Goleman, 1995) Fear and sadness are commonly underneath feelings of anger. 

A few key questions to explore when dealing with anger include the following: 

  • How often do you get angry? 
  • Do you feel angry most of the time or every now and again? 
  • Were your parents or primary caregivers angry often? 
  • How did they express their anger, in healthy or unhealthy ways?
  • How has anger impacted your relationships? 
  • How do you handle your anger? 
  • What is your fear?

Many people were never taught how to express or handle their feelings, including anger.  Perhaps, when you were growing up it wasn’t okay to be angry or maybe anger was the primary emotion that was expressed. Many of us didn’t learn how to self-regulate. In other words, we didn’t know how to identify or handle our feelings. 

There is a myth that “venting” your anger will make you feel better. In reality, it often makes you feel worse because of the aftermath. “Venting” is a concept that began in the 1960s. At the time, it was believed that venting or letting it out would serve to free up the pent up feelings and somehow lead to healing. 

Volumes of research studies have revealed that “venting” actually increases anger, rage, and other intense emotions. It is counterproductive. Venting is banned in most anger management programs. 

Below are some key strategies to learn how to regulate your anger.

  1. Recognize and label your feelings. 
  2. Understand your triggers.
  3. Identify your fear and where it comes from.
  4. Learn to use self-talk to calm down. 
  5. Take a deep breath and count to 10. 
  6. Ask yourself if it’s worth the price to express your anger in unhealthy ways or are you ready, willing, and committed to working on yourself and working through your anger? It’s critical you get to the root of the fear and where the anger comes from. Once we make peace with it, the anger often begins to decrease and we are able to calm ourselves down. 
  7. Take time to learn from the times you do get angry. This might lead to a need to forgive someone else or yourself or a breakthrough to change it.

 

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community!

Passion Leads to Purpose

4.13 WEBSITE BLOG

Passion Leads to Purpose

What do you feel passionate about?  What do you love (besides your family, children, and friends)? Our passion often leads us to our purpose in life. For example, I am absolutely passionate about helping people work through blocks or barriers such as hurt, guilt, shame, and self-doubt in order to experience the freedom to be authentically who they are. 

I believe when you find your passion, you will experience freedom, happiness and, ultimately, less anxiety and more peace. It sounds so simple. However, many people do not really know what they are passionate about because they have lost a sense of who they are. We have spent so much time trying to please others or creating stories about why we can’t do something. What if you could change this? How would your life be different?

Below are some questions to ask yourself in order to find and live out your passion, which will lead you to your purpose. 

 

  • What do you get excited about? Technology, gardening, helping others, interior design, leadership, finances, health, fitness, writing, photography, art, managing projects, and the list goes on. Identify and write down the areas you love.

 

  • What are the blocks or limiting beliefs that hold you back from pursuing it either personally or professionally? Look at your thoughts around placing more emphasis on this area. What are you telling yourself? I’m not good enough. I don’t have the time or money. Whatever it is, work on deleting this from your thoughts and replacing them with the opposite statement.

 

  • How do you feel when you are doing what you love? Do you feel less anxious and happier? Do you find yourself thinking about it often?

 

  • Do you have a plan on how to live it out? Create more time in your calendar or research what additional information or resources you might need to integrate this more in your life.  Maybe it’s getting a coach or mentor to help keep you on track, reduce your fears and work on your limiting conversations. Set goals and make them happen.

 

Living out your purpose may mean a different job or it may mean focusing your time differently or making your passion more of a priority in your life. We all matter and have a purpose. It’s never too late to create what you want.

This quote by Bob Proctor summarizes what this all means, “Your purpose explains what you are doing with your life. Your vision explains how you are living your purpose. Your goals enable you to realize your vision.”

 

 

 

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community!

The Fear Factor

4.6 website resize for blog

The Fear Factor

Fear is an emotion caused by anticipated danger. We all have fears. It is a natural part of human existence and a response to perceived physical and emotional danger.  Some fears can be helpful in that they alert us to danger. But often we fear situations that are in no way life-or-death, yet they somehow have power over our thoughts and behaviors.

In an innovative test of what people fear the most, Bill Tancer, author of Click: What millions of people are doing online and why it matters, analyzed the most frequent online search queries that involved the phrase, "fear of...”. This follows the assumption that people tend to seek information on the issues that concern them the most.  According to his study, the top ten list of fears were flying, heights, clowns, intimacy, death, rejection, people, snakes, success and driving.  Do you share any of these same fears?

Whether your fear is of spiders, tunnels, storms, fires, airplanes, public speaking, failure, social interactions, exams, needles or whatever the fear, it can become terrifying and overwhelming. It can produce an enormous amount of anxiety and may even lead to panic attacks. 

We often make decisions based on fears. For example, if you make the “wrong” decision, then you might feel like a failure.  I believe we are either coming from a place of love or fear. We start doubting ourselves and then the negative thoughts and fears begin to play in our minds. 

If we face fear, it tends to shrink. If we refuse to face it, it grows.  It doesn’t happen instantly or automatically. It is a result of deliberate intention and conscious action toward doing what scares you. As a result of working through your fears, you grow as a person and expand the possibilities that surround your life. 

Here are a few immediate steps to start:

  1. Identify and acknowledge your fears:  Make a list of what scares you. 
  2. Look at when it started: Were you a child or an adult? Was there a traumatic event or situation?
  3. How has it affected your life? Decide and commit to whether or not you want to work through the fear. 
  4. Face it head-on. Work on your thoughts, perceptions, and beliefs around the fear. Most importantly, believe you can overcome it. Doubt is like cancer; don’t give it power. Decide today that you can and will overcome your fears.  It really is all about facing them to overcome them.

 

 

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community!

How to Improve Your Relationships

Untitled design (3)

How to Improve Your Relationships

When couples are in crisis or having issues, often they feel ashamed so they don’t talk to anyone about it. Or, maybe, they turn to their family and then get them in the middle of the issues. They feel lost, alone and don’t know how to make the relationship work. Below are some steps to take in order to improve your relationships. 

  • Work on yourself. Make a list of how you have contributed to the issues in the relationship and what you are going to do to make some changes. You can’t change someone else. They have to want to work on themselves. However, you can work on yourself and try to gain some peace and insight into why you have certain triggers or react the way you do. If one person changes, it will change the dynamic of the relationship. It goes back to the saying, “Accept what you cannot change and change what you cannot accept.” 

 

  • Use “I” statements to communicate. Notice how you communicate to your partner. It’s important you are tapping into how you feel. A good format to use is “I feel ____ when you ____ because I need______.” Many people think they are communicating a feeling when they are actually communicating a thought or simply making a statement. Research shows that intimacy comes from an emotional connection.  Starting a sentence off by saying, “You always or never…” will instantly stop any effective communication. It is more helpful to come back when you have calmed down and are able to talk rationally about the issue. 

 

  • Listen and try to understand your partner’s perspective. Are you truly listening or coming up with your argument or why you are right and they are wrong? When you can shift from trying to be right to trying to truly understand, it can shift the relationship. Everyone wants to feel heard, validated and understood. This is a key element in a relationship. 

 

  • Work on your expectations. You and your partner make a list of ten things you like your partner to do for you. “I like it when you vacuum, hold my hand, text me during the day, tell me you love me…” These are small items your partner does that help you to feel loved. Exchange your lists and do something from each other’s lists a few times a week. You will keep your partners list so you can do something from their list. This can literally change the relationship instantly because you are helping them to feel loved. 

 

These are a few things that can begin to change the relationship.

 

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community!

Relationship Killers

3.16 website resize for blog

The Four Relationship Killers

Have you ever wondered why some relationships make it while others fail? 

At a very early age, I developed a keen curiosity about people and relationships. I often wondered why people made certain choices like who they dated or married. I had a thirst and passion to find out answers. 

I came across the work of Dr. John Gottman, a well-known psychologist at the University of Washington and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and immediately liked what he discovered during his research. 

Gottman studied more than 2,000 married couples over two decades and found four attitudes that most predict the dissolution of a relationship, especially in combination. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling — the four horsemen of the apocalypse.  He discovered patterns about how partners relate to each other that can be used to predict, with 94 percent accuracy, which marriages would succeed and fail. I found this to be powerful information. 

Let’s explore what these mean and how these might play out in your relationship.

Criticism is attacking your partner’s personality or character. Typically, it is with the intent of making someone right versus wrong. You might have said or heard these in your relationship, “Why are you so…?” Or, “You always or never…” It is healthy to talk about disagreements without attacking your partner’s personality or character in the process.  

Contempt is one step up from criticism and involves tearing down or being insulting toward your partner. These include insults, name calling, hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery and body language and tone of voice like sneering or rolling your eyes. Contempt for a partner is the most crucial indicator of divorce. 

Defensiveness is really about seeing yourself as the victim by warding off a perceived attack. Adopting a defensive stance in the middle of a conflict may be a natural response, yet it is not helpful in working through conflict. Making excuses like, “It’s not my fault…” or “That’s not true, you’re the one who…” Sometimes you will repeat yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying. Or, maybe you “yes-but,” which is starting off agreeing but end up disagreeing. 

Finally, stonewalling is withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral.” People who stonewall simply refuse to respond. For example, you may change the subject, physically leave the room, give a stony silence or mutter under your breath. 

All couples will engage in these types of behaviors at some point in their marriage. When the four horsemen take permanent residence, the relationship has a high likelihood of failing. It’s not the conflict that is the issue with how you handle it that makes the difference.

If your relationship is filled with these four issues, there is hope.  Take responsibility, change yourself and work together towards making improvements now. As Gottman made clear, with work and investment in overcoming these challenges, marriages can improve and become better.

 

 

-Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community!