Author: Ella Elbanbuena

09.23.25

The Mind–Body Stress Reset: Listening to Your Body and Finding Calm

Have you ever noticed your body reacting before your mind even catches up? Maybe your shoulders tense, your stomach sinks, or your chest feels heavy. These are not random. They are messages from your nervous system saying, something feels off. Once you start listening, you can gently guide yourself back to calm.

Stress Lives in the Body

So often, we think of stress as something only in our minds. But stress lives in the body too. It shows up through physical sensations, emotions, and patterns of responding that can feel automatic.

Here are a few ways the nervous system may react when it feels unsafe:

Fight: snapping at loved ones, feeling edgy or defensive.
Flight: staying overly busy, struggling to sit still, avoiding stillness.
Freeze: shutting down, feeling paralyzed, unable to take the next step.
Fawn: working hard to please others so things feel “okay.”
Shut Down: going numb, disconnecting, or checking out completely.

These reactions are not flaws. They are your body’s survival strategies. When you can name them, you can start to work with them instead of against them.

Why Awareness Isn’t Always Enough

Mindfulness is a wonderful tool, especially when stress feels manageable. But when the body is at a higher level of stress, maybe a 7, 8, or 9 on a scale of 1 to 10, simply noticing what is happening may not feel calming. In fact, it can make you feel more overwhelmed.

Think of stress like a scale that is tipped too far in one direction. The more pressure, triggers, or responsibilities pile up, the heavier it feels. To bring that scale back toward balance, the body needs support on the other side. Practices and resources gently signal, you are safe now, you can settle. That support could be as simple as pausing to breathe deeply, going for a walk outside, or reaching out to someone you trust. These small practices begin to tip the balance back toward calm.

Discovering Your Stress Signature

Every person has a unique stress signature. Maybe your heart races, maybe your jaw clenches, or maybe you withdraw and feel far away.

Take a moment and ask yourself: How does my body show me I am stressed? Becoming familiar with your signals helps you recognize what is happening sooner and respond with more compassion.

Gentle Tools to Reset

Here are some simple ways to help the body and mind find steadiness again:

Breath With Intention

Breath is one of the most powerful ways to reset. Each inhale gently activates your system. Each exhale calms it. By lengthening the exhale, you send your body the message that you are safe.

Try this: Inhale slowly through your nose for four counts. Exhale gently through your mouth for six counts. Repeat a few times and notice if your shoulders begin to soften.

Create Islands of Safety

When life feels overwhelming, the body needs moments of safety to reset. These do not have to be long or complicated.

Place your hand on your heart and feel its steady rhythm.
Name five calming things you can see in the space around you.
Wrap up in a blanket and let yourself feel held.

Even small pauses like these can give your nervous system a break.

Reframe Stressful Memories

Stressful experiences often replay in the body as if they are happening all over again. One way to soften this is to gently reimagine the memory. Picture support arriving. Imagine a safer ending. This is not about denying what happened, it is about giving your nervous system a new way to hold the story so it does not keep you stuck.

Compassion Over Shame

Stress responses are not weaknesses. They are the body’s way of trying to keep you safe. Every single person has experienced them. Healing does not come from criticizing yourself. It comes from noticing what is happening and offering compassion.

Instead of asking, What is wrong with me? try asking, What does my body need right now? That small shift opens the door to healing.

As you begin to notice and respond to your body’s needs, you gently step out of survival mode and into a space of greater calm, clarity, and connection.

Calm is possible. Your body carries an innate wisdom, and when you listen, it will guide you back home to balance, safety, and peace.

Source: Close the Chapter Podcast: Ep 283 The Mind-Body Stress Reset with Rebekkah LaDyne

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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09.16.25

Understanding Your Nervous System: A Gentle Guide to Calming Anxiety and Stress

So many of us move through life feeling anxious, shut down, or overwhelmed, wondering what’s wrong with us. The truth is, nothing is wrong… it’s simply the nervous system trying to protect and guide us. When we begin to understand its signals, everything shifts.

Dysregulation is part of being human. Some days it shows up as restlessness or anxiety, other days as exhaustion or complete shutdown. There is no avoiding it, but there is hope in learning how to notice it. When we can recognize what is happening inside, we have the power to gently guide ourselves back toward balance and connection.

Why This Matters

The nervous system is always working in the background, shaping our experiences. It cycles through three main states. In a place of connection and safety, life feels more grounded, calm, and open. In fight or flight, everything feels urgent, restless, or on edge. And in shutdown, the world can feel heavy, numb, or even hopeless.

Each of these states is the body’s attempt to keep us safe. Awareness is the key. Once we can name what’s happening, we move from judgment to compassion. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” we can say, “This is my nervous system protecting me.” That small shift makes room for healing.

Small, Practical Steps

Supporting the nervous system doesn’t have to be complicated. Gentle, simple steps are often the most powerful.

When anxiety or agitation takes hold, release some of the energy. Step outside, turn on music, or take a few slow breaths with long exhales.
When feeling numb or hopeless, start with tiny movements toward life. Stroke a pet, sip warm tea, or simply look out the window. These small gestures begin to bring energy back.
And when grounded and calm, linger there. Notice the steadiness, breathe it in, and let it imprint on the body. These moments build resilience for when stress inevitably returns.

The Power of Connection

Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. Our nervous systems regulate best in connection with others. A gentle look, a warm tone of voice, or the simple presence of someone steady can shift us toward safety.

Sometimes the most healing words we can hear or say are: “I’m right here with you.”

When families, couples, or friends remember this truth, relationships transform. One regulated person can offer an anchor for everyone else.

Noticing the Glimmers

Amidst the challenges, there are always glimmers… those tiny sparks of joy or calm that remind the nervous system it’s safe. The warmth of sunlight, the sound of laughter, the comfort of a favorite blanket, or the taste of morning coffee.

When we pause to notice these moments, even for a few seconds, they begin to accumulate. Over time, glimmers gently retrain the nervous system to seek out and rest in connection again.

Closing Thought

Understanding the nervous system is like being handed a map. Stress, anxiety, and shutdown will still come, but there is now a way home to calm. With awareness, compassion, and connection, it becomes possible to close the chapter on old patterns and open new possibilities for healing, hope, and wholeness.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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08.26.25

When Anxiety Runs Your Life: Practical Tools to Heal and Reclaim Peace

Do you ever feel like you are running on empty, your mind racing, your body heavy, and your heart just plain tired? You are not alone.

Anxiety is everywhere. It is in our newsfeeds, in our homes, in our conversations, and for so many of us, living inside us. We are carrying the weight of constant change, uncertainty, and sometimes sadness over what has been lost along the way. It is exhausting.

And yet, you showed up here. That matters. It tells me something so important about you. You want to grow. You want to heal. You are willing to look within and take steps toward change. That is how hope begins.

Anxiety Is Not Just in Your Head

Anxiety does not always look like panic attacks or shaking hands. Sometimes it is subtle. It is the fear of being late. The fear of rejection. The fear of what people think. It is the knot in your stomach before you walk into a meeting, or the restless feeling that keeps you awake at night. And often, it shows up when we are facing transitions, carrying sadness, or moving through grief we have not fully named.

Many people do not always recognize anxiety for what it is. It can be easy to label it as stress, pressure, or even “just who I am.” Yet often, underneath anxiety lives unprocessed grief, fear, sadness, or the deep belief that we are not enough. These hidden layers settle into the nervous system and shape how we feel day to day.

Naming it, naming both the fear and the grief, can be the beginning of freedom.

We Are Living Through a Mental Health Crisis

The numbers reflect what so many of us are feeling. Before the pandemic, about 8.6 percent of adults reported anxiety. By 2021, that number rose to nearly 37 percent. Depression rates have more than quadrupled. And our kids are struggling, especially teens who are navigating huge life transitions in a world that feels uncertain.

This is more than stress. What we are living through is a collective trauma, and it is important to acknowledge that. Collective trauma touches every part of us — our bodies, our minds, and even our sense of safety in the world. Giving ourselves permission to name it is not a sign of weakness, it is a step toward healing.

When we pretend to be “fine,” we stay stuck in survival mode, carrying the weight silently. But when we tell the truth about our anxiety, about the heaviness we feel, we create space to process it. That honesty opens the door to compassion, connection, and the hope of something different.

What You Do Not Name, You Pass On

Anxiety has a way of spilling over into the people we love. If we don’t tend to it in ourselves, we can unintentionally pass it on to our children, our partners, and those around us. Even if we try to keep it hidden, others can feel it in our presence, in the tension in our bodies, or in the way we respond when stress rises.

When anxiety isn’t named or worked through, it doesn’t go away. It often gets stored in the body and nervous system. Over time, it can quietly shape how we think about ourselves, how we feel in everyday situations, and how we connect in our relationships.

Once you begin naming and tending to your anxiety with compassion, everything can shift. You loosen its grip. You stop the cycle from continuing. And you model to the people around you that it is possible to live with more calm, more connection, and more freedom.

Practical Tools for Calming Anxiety

When fear, overwhelm, or restlessness rise up, here are a few simple ways to care for yourself in the moment:

Ground yourself. Place your feet firmly on the floor. Breathe deeply, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Look around and name five things you see, hear, and feel.
Cool your system. Hold ice in your hand, splash cold water on your neck, or step outside for fresh air. This can help calm your nervous system when it feels overwhelmed.
Write it out. Journaling gives you space to release your fears, worries, and thoughts so you don’t carry them silently inside.
Move your body. Walk, stretch, practice yoga, or even dance in your kitchen. Movement helps release stored emotions.
Shift your language. Instead of saying, “I am anxious,” try, “I feel anxious.” This small change reminds you that your feelings are real, but they are not the whole of who you are.

And most importantly, speak to yourself with compassion. Whisper the words you long to hear, “I am doing the best I can. It’s okay to feel this way. I am safe. I am not alone.”

These practices may seem simple, yet when done consistently, they begin to calm your nervous system and remind you that you are safe. Healing anxiety happens in small, steady steps. Each time you pause to ground yourself, breathe deeply, or speak kindly to your heart, you’re moving toward more peace, more strength, and more freedom.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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08.18.25

Why Transparency is the Key to Real Joy and Connection

As a marriage and family therapist, I work with couples and individuals who are afraid to be themselves. They are scared to show up fully in their dating life, in their marriage, and even in friendships.

We present this best version of our shell selves. We hide the shadow sides, the parts we do not like about ourselves, and we think this will help us be loved. Deep down, most people are terrified that if others see their flaws, their struggles, or their messy emotions, they will walk away. So we polish up the outside, hoping it will be enough, while inside we feel unseen and disconnected.

What I Mean by Transparency

Transparency is the willingness and the courage to have tough conversations. It’s being real with your feelings, thoughts, desires, fears, and emotions. All of them.

That means sadness, anger, disgust, excitement, sexual excitement… the whole range.

Most of us weren’t raised to be transparent. We were conditioned to tell people what they wanted to hear so we wouldn’t cause disconnection. Sometimes there were real safety issues. Other times, we simply feared disappointing or upsetting someone, being rejected, or losing love.

So we learned to hide, manipulate or present a version of ourselves we thought people would accept. But here’s the truth, none of that works long term. It’s not sustainable.

What We Hide (and Why It Hurts Us)

I’d love for you to grab a pen and paper for this part. If you can’t, just take it in and sit with it.

Ask yourself: What am I not sharing? What am I not transparent about?

You might think, “Oh, I’m pretty transparent.” But maybe you’re holding back your authentic self because you’re afraid someone will be upset, mad, judge you, abandon you, or reject you.

Some of the most common things people hide:

How they really feel
Mistakes from the past
Trauma or abuse
Addictions (alcohol, substances, shopping, food, gambling, porn, even social media likes)
Financial secrets (bank accounts, credit cards, debt)
Shadow sides aka parts of themselves they don’t like or accept
Sexual fantasies or desires
Anger or poor self-regulation
Details of past relationships (especially their own part in the breakup)

Why We Hide

Shame is one of the biggest reasons. Shame tells us we’re unlovable, broken, defective. It convinces us we’ll be abandoned if we show our whole selves.

Family systems often reinforce this. Many of us grew up learning to withhold the truth to avoid punishment, judgment, or disconnection from a parent. We carried that into adulthood.

The problem is, what we hide eventually leaks out. And it blocks us from deep joy and connection.

Four Benefits of Living Transparently

1. It Builds Trust

When you consistently tell the truth, people know they can rely on you. Trust grows over time because there’s no second-guessing your words.

2. It Creates Deeper Intimacy

Transparency allows for authentic, sustainable connection. Couples who take accountability and tell the truth (even about uncomfortable topics) are the ones who make it through hard seasons.

3. It Fosters Security

If truth is a core value, you cultivate a relationship where both people feel safe to show up as they are. No pretending, placating, or fawning just to keep the peace.

4. It Lowers Conflict

When couples can be transparent and take responsibility, resentment decreases. Conflicts are addressed before they escalate because you’re talking about the real issues, not dancing around them.

How to Create More Transparency

Have the willingness. See the value in it and commit to practicing it.
Own your shadow sides. Those parts you hide are where your pain lives. Acknowledge them so you can heal them.
Name your fears. What are you afraid will happen if you tell the truth? Rejection? Abandonment? Anger? Most of these fears trace back to childhood.
Set it as a relationship value. Tell the people closest to you that you value truth and transparency. Invite feedback and model how to give it with love and grace.
Stop filtering and withholding. No more white lies, tweaking, or packaging. Say what’s true with kindness.

You cannot have deep connection without truth and transparency. It is not possible.

Transparency breeds empathy. When you own your story and face your pain, you can connect in a way that hiding will never allow. Every moment you choose truth, you make space for stronger trust, deeper intimacy, and relationships that last.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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08.12.25

Did You Grow Up Too Fast? Understanding the Hidden Impact of Being a Parentified Child

Did you grow up feeling like the adult in the room when you were still just a kid?

Maybe your parent leaned on you emotionally. Maybe you helped raise your siblings.

You might’ve been called “mature for your age.” Or “you’re so responsible.” And maybe you were. But that doesn't mean it was okay. It does not mean it didn’t cost you something.

If any of that sounds familiar, chances are, you were a parentified child.

Parentification can quietly shape how you see yourself and your worth. And it doesn’t always stop when childhood ends. It can follow you into adulthood, showing up as anxiety, burnout, people-pleasing, or feeling like your needs are just too much.

What Does It Mean to Be a Parentified Child?

Parentification happens when a child steps into responsibilities emotionally or practically that belong to an adult.

Instead of being cared for, the child becomes the one doing the caretaking. It’s a shift in roles that often starts subtly and becomes the child’s “normal.”

It can look like:

Comforting a parent when they are overwhelmed
Often taking care of siblings
Managing the emotional climate of the household
Suppressing your own needs to keep others calm

Children do what they need to do to feel safe and connected. Sometimes that means becoming overly responsible far too soon.

Two Types of Parentification

Emotional Parentification

The child becomes the emotional support for a parent. You might have heard adult problems, offered comfort, or felt like it was your job to make the parent feel better. Over time, you learn your feelings come second, or not at all.

Instrumental Parentification

This shows up as practical responsibilities. Maybe you cooked, cleaned, got your siblings ready, or handled things that most kids your age didn’t. The load may have looked manageable from the outside, but inside, it likely felt like pressure and stress.

Why Does Parentification Happen?

Sometimes it’s rooted in a parent’s own trauma, grief, or emotional pain. Other times, it’s circumstantial, like divorce, addiction, or chronic illness in the family.

The parent may not have had support. They might have been doing the best they could. But even unintentional parentification can leave a lasting emotional imprint.

Signs You Were a Parentified Child

Here are some common signs you may have experienced parentification:

You felt responsible for others' emotions
You were involved in adult conversations or decisions
You were praised for being mature or “easy”
You often put others’ needs before your own
You feel guilt or anxiety when asking for help
You still tend to play the caretaker in relationships
You don’t remember feeling carefree or emotionally safe as a child

If you see yourself in this, it’s okay. These patterns likely helped you survive. Now, you get to explore how to soften them and reconnect with your own needs.

How It Shows Up in Adulthood

As an adult, parentification can affect:

Your ability to rest or relax without guilt
How you connect in relationships
Whether or not you feel safe asking for help
Your ability to identify your own needs or emotions
How much you trust others, or rely only on yourself

You may feel deeply empathetic, but exhausted. You may care deeply for others, but struggle to care for yourself. These aren’t flaws. These are wounds that deserve tending.

Beginning the Healing Process

Healing starts by reconnecting with the parts of yourself that had to grow up too fast.

1. Acknowledge What Happened

You can name the experience without blaming. Saying “I was given too much too soon” can be the first step in making space for your own healing.

2. Listen to Your Inner Child

Start asking, “What did I need back then that I didn’t get?” Emotional safety? Freedom to play? Less responsibility?

3. Practice Reparenting

This could look like:

Allowing rest
Journaling what you feel
Setting boundaries that honor your limits
Letting yourself say no without over-explaining
Reminding yourself, “My needs matter too.”

4. Get Support

Therapy, especially modalities like EMDR, brainspotting, or inner child work, can help you.

You Deserve Care

You don’t have to be the fixer. You don’t have to carry everyone’s pain to be loved.

You deserve rest. You deserve safety. You deserve to feel nurtured, not just needed.

You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to need things.
You are allowed to let go of roles that were never yours to begin with.

Want More Support?

Book to read: Homecoming by Dr. John Bradshaw—one of my favorite resources on inner child healing.

Join the newsletter for free journal prompts and healing tools.

You’re doing brave work by even reading this. And I’m so glad you’re here.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

Dive a little deeper into this topic below

07.29.25

The Myth of Closure: What If We’re Not Meant to “Get Over” Grief?

We all want some kind of finish line, don’t we?

It’s totally human. When we’re in pain, we just want to know there’s an end to it. We want a clear roadmap.

But if you’ve ever actually lost someone, a parent, a partner, a child, a marriage, a version of yourself — you know it doesn’t work like that. Closure isn’t always possible. And, honestly, it’s not even the point.

This came up in a conversation I had with Dr. Pauline Boss. She coined the term ambiguous loss and literally wrote the book The Myth of Closure. What she said landed so clearly, “You don’t get over it. You learn to live with it.”

You live with it. Not in a tragic, forever-heartbroken kind of way rather in an honest, human and I carry this now kind of way.

Some Losses Are Obvious. Others Are Invisible.

We usually know how to respond to what’s called clear loss, which is when someone dies, there's a funeral, and people show up with casseroles and condolences.

But there’s another kind of loss most of us go through at some point, and it’s way less understood: ambiguous loss. That’s the kind of grief that comes with no goodbye, no body, no death certificate. Like when a loved one has dementia. Or when a parent walks away but doesn’t actually disappear. When a relationship ends, but you're still entangled.

It’s that feeling of someone being here and gone at the same time — and your brain doesn’t know how to make peace with that.

This kind of grief doesn’t show up in obvious ways. It lingers. It’s confusing. It gets misdiagnosed or dismissed. But as Pauline Boss has shown again and again in her work, just naming it can bring huge relief. You realize, Ohhh... this is why I feel stuck. This is why it’s so hard.

You’re Not Broken. You’re Grieving.

One story Pauline shared really stuck with me. After her husband died, she went in for a routine doctor’s appointment. The nurse asked, “Are you depressed?” And she said, “No, I’m grieving.” But that wasn’t an option on the form.

So they asked again.
And again, she said, “I’m not depressed. I’m grieving.”
Still — no checkbox.

It says everything about how we treat loss in our culture. We want it to look tidy. Treatable. But grief isn’t a diagnosis. It’s a natural, human response to losing someone or something that mattered deeply.

So if you’ve been asking yourself, “What’s wrong with me?”
Maybe you’re just grieving and no one taught you what that looks like.

The Five Stages Aren’t a Roadmap

You may have heard about the five stages of grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Maybe someone even handed them to you after a loss like, “Here’s what you can expect.” And sure, they can give us language for what we’re feeling.

But grief doesn’t follow a checklist. It’s not neat or orderly. And even Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who first introduced those stages, said later in her life. “It’s messier than that.”

She never intended the stages to be used as a rigid timeline. In fact, she clarified that people don’t move through them in any set order and that they weren’t just about grief after death, but about all kinds of loss.

If Not Closure, Then What Helps?

If closure isn’t realistic, what’s the alternative? How do we keep moving forward when the grief stays with us?

Find meaning.
Not why it happened. That question can make us spiral. But what can you do with it? Maybe it’s telling your story. Maybe it’s showing up for others. Maybe it’s making banana bread because baking gives your hands something to do when your heart can’t.
Adjust control.
When you can’t change the big thing, focus on the small ones. What can you still choose today? What can you create, move, name, clean, write, cook?
Rebuild identity.
Grief changes how you see yourself. You might not be someone’s spouse anymore. You might not be “mom” in the same way. That identity shift can feel like another loss. So give yourself time to ask, “Who am I now?”
Name the ambivalence.
You can be relieved and devastated. Angry and loyal. Grateful and grieving. Mixed emotions are normal, especially in ambiguous loss.
Connect.
Call someone. Text a friend. Join a book club. Talk. Grief needs witnesses.
Create new hope.
This isn’t about “getting over” it. It’s about finding something new to look forward to — a sense of purpose or possibility. Something that helps you wake up in the morning, even if it’s just getting outside or picking up a new book.

Both/And Thinking Is the Lifeline

This is one of my favorite ideas and it’s something Pauline teaches beautifully:

Both/and thinking.

I’m devastated AND I’m healing.
They’re gone AND still with me.
This hurts AND I’m finding joy again.

It doesn’t cancel anything out. It makes room for the whole truth.

Grief lives in that tension where loss and love coexist, where sorrow and meaning hold hands. The goal isn’t to get to “either/or.” The goal is to let “both/and” be enough.

Closure Isn’t the Goal. Connection Is.

If you’ve been waiting to feel “done” with your grief — here’s your permission to stop waiting.

You don’t need closure.
You need truth.
You need people.
You need someone to say, “Yeah, this is hard. And no, you’re not crazy.”

Grief doesn’t end. But it changes. And you change with it.

You start to carry it differently with more steadiness, more softness, and sometimes even with joy.

You’re not doing it wrong.
You’re just grieving — honestly, imperfectly, beautifully.

And you’re not alone.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

Dive a little deeper into this topic below

07.21.25

Inner Child Work: Why It Changes Everything

Ever find yourself overreacting to something small and wondering, “Why did that hit so hard?” Or maybe you’ve felt needy just for having needs or guilty for wanting space.

That’s not you being dramatic. That’s your inner child trying to get your attention.

And when you start listening to that part of you—really listening? Everything shifts.

The more you understand your healing process, the more empowered you’re going to feel. Because this journey? It can feel really lonely. And I want you to know—I’m with you. Not as someone who’s “arrived,” but as someone doing this work, every single day, right alongside you.

You’re not just healing for you. You’re healing for your kids. Your partner. Your future grandkids. You’re the cycle breaker and that is no small thing.

So What Is Inner Child Work?

It’s not just some buzzword. Inner child work means tending to the parts of you—especially the younger parts—that didn’t get what they needed. It’s going back and offering love, safety, and empathy to those parts instead of ignoring or shaming them.

And no, it’s not about blaming your parents. It’s about understanding yourself. Because if you don’t look at those early experiences, they will keep running the show—quietly shaping how you react, relate, and feel.

Your triggers now are rooted in unmet needs then.

Your fear of being “too much”?

Your urge to shut down when someone’s upset?

Your guilt for resting, needing, or saying no?

All of that has roots.

What Inner Child Work Actually Does

1. It disrupts projection.

Instead of assuming what someone else is thinking (“They’re mad at me,” “I’m not good enough”), you start getting curious:

“What’s coming up in me right now?”

You stop assigning old stories to current people.

2. It helps you stop triangulating.

That means no more pulling others—especially kids—into adult dynamics that don’t belong to them. I’ve been there. My parents divorced when I was eight, and I got pulled into adult stuff that was never mine to carry. I love them deeply, and we’ve done a lot of repair, but the truth is: when we don’t do our own healing, our pain spills out sideways.

Inner child work stops that spill.

3. It softens shame and defense.

We all have protectors—anger, withdrawal, people-pleasing. But underneath those? Are wounded parts. And when you start caring for the parts underneath, you don’t need the armor as much.

How to Start Inner Child Work Today

You don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t need the perfect therapist or setup. You can start right where you are.

Here are 8 ways to begin:

Create a Timeline: Write down major emotional moments in your life and how old you were. Start there.
Track Your Triggers: When you’re upset, ask, “How old do I feel right now?”
Write to Your Younger Self: No grammar rules. Just speak from the heart.
Journal Regularly: Let the feelings come up. Don’t filter.
Identify the Inner Voice: Whose voice is your inner critic? Is it even yours?
Reparent in Real-Time: Start saying to yourself: “It’s okay. I’ve got you. You’re not alone.”
Get Support: Therapy. A group. A friend who’s doing their own healing. You need people.
Educate Yourself: Podcasts, books, resources. Learn how trauma, emotions, and healing actually work.

Last Thing I’ll Say

This work isn’t linear or neat but it is powerful. Loving yourself means reparenting the parts of you that were never fully seen. When you tend to your inner child, shame softens, and you stop dragging your past into every present moment.

You’re not selfish for having needs. You’re not broken because you’re still healing. You’re not behind. You’re brave. You’re doing the work.

So when that inner critic shows up, take a breath and gently say, “Sweetheart, you’re doing your best. I love you. We’ve got this.”

And if no one’s told you lately? I’m proud of you. Truly.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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07.15.25

What Is EMDR Therapy and How Can It Help You Heal?

Have you ever felt stuck like something from the past keeps replaying, and no matter how much you talk about it, it just won’t go away?

Maybe it shows up as anxiety that feels bigger than the moment. Or shame that hits out of nowhere. Or maybe your body reacts—tight chest, racing heart, shutting down—and you can’t explain why.

When something overwhelming doesn’t get fully processed—especially in childhood or trauma—it doesn’t just “go away.” It lives on in your body and nervous system. That’s where EMDR comes in.

What Is EMDR, Really?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. (I know, it’s a lot of syllables.) But in simple terms, it’s a therapy that helps you finally move through what got stuck—emotionally, physically, and mentally.

Originally developed to treat combat trauma and PTSD, EMDR has now helped people around the world work through:

Childhood trauma
Anxiety and panic
Grief and loss
Phobias and triggers
Shame and core beliefs like “I’m not safe” or “I’m not enough”

It helps you put the past where it belongs—in the past—so you can live more fully in the present.

How It Works

Here’s how I explain it to clients:

Imagine your brain is like a computer. When something overwhelming happens—especially early in life or without support—it’s like that moment stays open on your hard drive. You might not be thinking about it every day, but it’s running in the background, draining your system.

EMDR helps you close the file.

We use something called bilateral stimulation—which just means right-left, right-left movement. That could be:

Following a finger or light with your eyes
Holding little tappers that vibrate back and forth
Using headphones with gentle tones that alternate sides

While that’s happening, we invite your system to connect to a belief, a memory, a body sensation—whatever feels most alive. And your brain starts to do what it didn’t get to do back then: process, release, and settle.

The memory doesn’t disappear. But the intensity? The stuckness? That starts to shift.

What You Don’t Need

You don’t need to remember every detail.
You don’t need to tell your whole story if that feels too vulnerable.
You don’t need to push yourself.

We go at your pace. We build safety first. And we make sure your nervous system feels supported the entire way.

What Starts to Change

Clients often say things like:

“It doesn’t hit as hard anymore.”
“I can talk about it without falling apart.”
“I feel calmer in my body.”
“I actually believe I’m safe now.”

You start responding instead of reacting.
You learn to stay with your feelings instead of numbing out or shutting down.
You come back home to yourself.

Is EMDR Right for Me?

If you’ve been talking about the same pain for years and still feel stuck...
If your body feels like it’s holding something you can’t quite name...
If the same triggers keep hijacking your peace...

EMDR might be worth exploring.

It’s not a quick fix—but it’s a powerful one. Especially when you're ready to show up for what’s been waiting to be healed.

One Last Thing

Healing doesn’t mean you’ll never get triggered again.
It means when you do, you’ll know how to come back to center.
You’ll know how to soothe, how to stay, how to move through.

You are worth the healing.
You are allowed to feel safe in your own body.
And you don’t have to carry it all anymore.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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07.09.25

How to Reconnect With Yourself: 8 Everyday Habits for Emotional Wellness

Life can get busy, and before we know it, we find ourselves disconnected—physically, mentally, and emotionally. But it doesn't have to be this way. There are simple, everyday practices we can all integrate into our lives to feel more grounded and connected with ourselves. If you're feeling overwhelmed or unsure where to start, you're in the right place.

I want to share some practices that have had a major impact on my emotional and mental well-being, and I hope they’ll do the same for you. These are things I do regularly.

Let’s dive in.

1. Start With One Simple Question: Journaling Made Easy

Let’s talk about journaling for a minute. I know some of you might be thinking, “I’m not a journaler,” or “That doesn’t really work for me.” And I get it. But what if you gave this one simple thing a try?

Each day, ask yourself this one question:

“Dear God (or whatever works for you), what do you want me to know or see today?”

This isn’t about having a huge revelation or trying to figure everything out all at once. It’s more about giving yourself a moment to pause, quiet the noise, and invite guidance into your day. Whether that’s God, your inner wisdom, or simply the clarity you need—allow yourself to make space and listen.

For me, this practice has been such a game-changer. It’s helped me work through feelings of doubt, shame, and anxiety. It brings a sense of peace and perspective that I don’t always find elsewhere.

You can always write it down in a notebook or journal that feels safe to you. There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to do this. Just trust the process and see where it leads. You might be surprised by what shows up.

2. Slow Down to Recharge

Sometimes, we need that “reset” moment where we give ourselves permission to do nothing. Maybe for you, that looks like taking a break from the busyness of life to reconnect with what really matters.

What do you need to let go of to make space for your mental and emotional health? The answer may be as simple as slowing down.

Taking the time to step back, recharge, and reconnect with what truly matters makes all the difference. It's not always about doing more. Sometimes it's about doing less to let yourself breathe and be.

3. Get Back to Your Practices (Even the Small Ones)

Life gets busy, and sometimes we drop the practices that keep us grounded. I know I do. But when I made time to get back to the simple practices I’ve taught my clients over the years—journaling, reflecting, meditating—it made a huge difference.

Whether it's a five-minute breathing exercise in the morning or a quick gratitude practice, find a routine that works for you. If you’re feeling out of touch with yourself, getting back into these habits is a great place to start. You’ll feel emotionally clearer and more connected to yourself when you do.

4. Set Your Intentions (Instead of “Goals”)

Every day, write out 10 intentions. Don’t worry about them being perfect. Just check in with what you want to focus on. It could be something like "be more patient" or "make time for creativity," but it helps you stay grounded in what truly matters.

Rather than getting caught up in external expectations (or that dreaded “goal-setting pressure”), intentions come from a place of self-awareness and connection. They allow you to align your day with what you truly need, not what the world or society expects from you.

5. A Simple Planner Can Make All the Difference

I use a planner every day. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but it really helps me stay focused on my emotional well-being. Some people use planners with calendars, but I personally prefer ones with a gratitude practice or daily intentions. These planners help me stay connected to what really matters—like how I’m feeling and what my emotional priorities are that day.

Find a planner that works for you, or simply use a notebook to jot down what’s most important. Just writing down what you want to focus on, be it your to-do list, your gratitude, or your feelings, helps you stay connected to the present moment.

6. Avoid Toxic Habits (Like Alcohol)

I know this one might be tough to hear, but it’s important. Alcohol can have a huge impact on your mental health. I’ve seen it too many times in my work—how alcohol can affect relationships, stifle emotional growth, and hinder clarity of mind.

If you're relying on alcohol as a coping mechanism, it’s time to reflect on how it's serving you (or not serving you).

Reducing or eliminating alcohol might be one of the most powerful ways to clear your mind and help your emotional growth.

7. Listen to Inspiring Podcasts or Books

If you’re like me and find yourself scrolling on your phone instead of connecting inwardly, try listening to something that inspires you. Whether it’s a podcast, audiobook, or even a YouTube channel, make space for things that help you grow and feel less alone. Podcasts, especially, have taught me so much over the years, and I always walk away with new insights.

8. Have Hard Conversations with Love

Lastly, I want to talk about something that we often avoid—having difficult conversations. Whether it’s with a partner, friend, or family member, avoiding hard conversations only keeps us stuck. It keeps us in cycles of resentment, misunderstanding, and emotional distance.

What if we could have these conversations with love instead of fear? What if we could show up, speak our truth, and listen deeply? It might be uncomfortable, but it’s one of the most powerful ways to build emotional wellness.

There you have it—8 practices to support your emotional and mental health.

I want you to know that no matter where you are on your journey, these things can help you reconnect with yourself and create the space for healing. Take it slow, be gentle with yourself, and know that you’re not alone in this.

I’d love to hear from you—how are these practices working for you? Feel free to share your journey with me anytime. And don’t forget to grab your free journal to get started.

With love and support,

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.

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06.24.25

The Power of Listening: Strengthening Our Mental Health and Community

Have you ever had someone truly listen to you? Not just hear your words, but be fully present—taking it all in without judgment or distraction? It’s rare, but when it happens, it can be life-changing. Being deeply heard impacts how we see ourselves, how we connect with others, and even how we begin to heal.

In our fast-paced, often distracted world, we don’t always make the time to really listen. But when we do, something powerful happens: we feel seen, understood, and less alone. And that kind of connection is essential for our mental and emotional well-being.

The Impact of Listening in Our Communities

Sometimes the most healing thing we can offer is simply our presence—just listening without trying to fix, judge, or interrupt. I see it in my work all the time: the simple act of being heard can be a huge relief.

And it’s not just in personal relationships. Listening plays a vital role across every part of our communities.

Take healthcare workers, for example. They’re on the front lines every day, holding so much. When they don’t have the space to share their own struggles, burnout sets in—impacting not just their mental health, but the care they give.

Patients need to be heard, too. For someone facing a difficult diagnosis or a long treatment journey, being truly listened to builds trust, offers comfort, and fosters hope. When care teams take the time to hear what patients are saying, beyond just symptoms, it makes a real difference.

Making Room for Everyone

In a world filled with noise, fear, and division, listening is a radical act of connection. We don’t have to agree with each other to show empathy. When we choose to listen with an open heart, we create space for understanding and healing.

This is the kind of mental health work we need more of. Not just in therapy rooms, but in homes, workplaces, and communities.

A Call to Action: Start Today

Building a more connected and emotionally healthy community doesn’t require grand gestures. It starts with small, meaningful moments.

Begin by checking in with the people around you: your partner, a friend, a colleague, or even a neighbor.

Ask how they’re really doing and then truly listen. Not just to the words they say, but to what’s underneath. Put down the phone, pause the distractions, and give them your full attention. Simply creating space for someone to speak without rushing to offer advice or fix things.

When someone feels genuinely heard, it can ease loneliness, deepen trust, and even shift the course of their day. And over time, these small moments of connection become the foundation of stronger relationships and a more compassionate community.

- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained

Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?

I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.