Many people come into therapy feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or disconnected, yet they struggle to explain why. I see this all the time in my office. These are capable, thoughtful, deeply caring people, but relationships feel draining, decisions feel heavy, and self-doubt feels constant.
Often, what sits underneath is a habit of looking outside of yourself for reassurance, direction, or validation. Over time, this can quietly erode your sense of internal stability, even if on the outside everything looks “fine.”
These patterns are not flaws. They are learned ways of coping.
What Is Emotional Outsourcing?
Beatriz Victoria Albina, a nurse practitioner, somatic psychology coach, and author who joined me on the Close the Chapter Podcast, coined the term emotional outsourcing to describe a pattern many people have been living with for most of their lives, often without realizing it.
Emotional outsourcing happens when safety, belonging, or worth are sourced primarily from outside yourself instead of being built internally. It shows up when feeling okay depends on someone else’s mood, approval, or reaction.
Instead of checking in with your own feelings, values, or needs, your attention moves outward:
Are they upset with me?
Did I do something wrong?
Am I still okay in their eyes?
When this becomes a pattern, it can lead to anxiety, over-responsibility in relationships, and a growing sense of disconnection from yourself.
How These Patterns Develop
These patterns do not develop because something is wrong with you. They develop through adaptation.
As children, we learn how to stay connected and safe in the environments we grow up in. If caregivers were emotionally unavailable, overwhelmed, unpredictable, or uncomfortable with feelings, many children learned to stay attuned to others in order to maintain connection.
This can look like being helpful, agreeable, quiet, responsible, high achieving, or emotionally self-sufficient. Some people learn to read the room quickly and adjust themselves. Others learn to minimize needs or take on too much responsibility too early.
These strategies were intelligent and protective at the time.
The challenge comes when they continue automatically into adulthood, even when they are no longer necessary or supportive.
Common Ways These Patterns Show Up
You might recognize yourself in some of these experiences:
- Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions
- Avoiding conflict or discomfort whenever possible
- Over explaining or justifying your decisions
- Struggling to rest unless everything feels resolved
- Saying yes when you want to say no
- Replaying conversations long after they are over
Underneath many of these behaviors is often a fear that if someone is disappointed, upset, or distant, it means something is wrong with you.
I hear this fear expressed in many different ways, but the message underneath is often the same: If I upset someone, I am not safe or lovable.
Caretaking and Healthy Connection
Caring deeply about others is not the problem.
Healthy connection allows for empathy, generosity, and support while staying connected to your own needs, limits, and values. You can care about others without abandoning yourself.
Patterns start to feel painful when caretaking is driven by fear, obligation, or the need for approval. In those moments, your sense of worth can rise and fall based on how others respond.
The difference is not what you do. The difference is how it feels inside your body and nervous system when you do it.
Rebuilding an Internal Sense of Safety and Worth
I encourage people to begin with awareness rather than self-criticism.
When you notice your attention moving outward in search of reassurance or certainty, gently bring it back inward.
Start with your body.
Feel your feet on the floor.
Notice your breath.
Allow your nervous system to settle, even for a moment.
From there, ask yourself simple questions and pause:
What am I feeling right now?
What do I need?
What matters to me?
If the answers feel unclear or unavailable, treat that as information rather than a problem. Silence often reflects parts of the self that learned it was safer to stay quiet.
Start with small, intentional choices. Pause before responding. Give yourself time to decide. Notice and name a preference, even if only to yourself. Allow yourself to release the urge to explain or justify.
Over time, these small moments help build internal trust and create a steadier sense of safety and worth.
An Invitation Back to Yourself
Compassion is essential in the healing process.
The parts of you that learned to manage relationships carefully were trying to protect you. When those parts are met with kindness rather than judgment, the nervous system begins to soften and shame loosens its grip.
Self-criticism has rarely created lasting change. Healing grows more naturally in the presence of understanding.
A different way of living becomes possible when attention turns inward. One rooted in steadiness, self-connection, and inner support.
This does not mean becoming detached or uncaring. It means learning how to stay connected to yourself while caring for others.
Learning to offer yourself safety, belonging, and worth is not selfish. It is foundational. And it is one of the most meaningful steps toward emotional freedom and healthier relationships.
- Kristen D Boice M.A., LMFT, EMDR Trained
Want to Go Deeper?
If this resonates and you want additional guidance, I recommend End Emotional Outsourcing: How to Overcome Your Codependent, Perfectionist, and People-Pleasing Habits by Beatriz Victoria Albina. It offers compassionate insight and practical tools for building internal safety, self-trust, and emotional resilience.
Do you want to join a community of souls wanting to grow, evolve, and on a healing journey?
I would love for you to join our free Close the Chapter Facebook community and check out my YouTube Channel where I post weekly videos with Mental Health Tips.